THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

RIVERSIDE 

IN  MEMORY  OF 

Bon  Adams  and 
Don  Adams 


PRESENTED  BY 

Mrs.  Bon  Adams  and 
Mrs.  Ray  B.  McCarty 


M^-    PUNCH'S    HISTORY 
OF  THE   GREAT   WAR 


PEACE— THE    SOWER 


ejUJii^.  ^- 


M""-  PUNCH'S 

HISTORY  OF  THE 

GREAT  WAR 


New  York 

FREDERICK  A.   STOKES  COMPANY 

Publishers 

1919 


VSZ^-T. 


Published  bp  arrangement  wilh  the  Proprietors  of  "Punch. 


TO    THE    READER 

For  xvhatsocver  worth  or  wit  appears 

In  this  mixed  record  of  five  hectic  years^ 

Thts  tale  of  heroes^  heroines — and  others — 

1  hank  first  "  0.   S^  and  then  his  band  oj  brothers 

Who  took  their  ciie^  with  pencil  and  with  pen, 

From  the  gay  courage  op  onr  fighting  tnen. 

Theirs  be  the  t>raise,  not  his,  tvho  here  supplies 

Merely  the  editorial  hooks  and  eyes 

And,  rich  by  proxy,  prodigally  spends 

The  largess  of  his  colleagues  and  his  friends. 

C.  L.   G. 


PROLOGUE 

THOUGH  a  lover  of  peace,  Mr.  Punch  from  his  earliest 
days  has  not  been  unfamiliar  with  war.  He  was  born 
during  the  Afghan  campaign ;  in  his  youth  England 
fought  side  by  side  with  the  French  in  the  Crimea;  he  saw 
the  old  Queen  bestow  the  first  Victoria  Crosses  in  1857;  he 
was  moved  and  stirred  by  the  horrors  and  heroisms  of  the 
Indian  Mutiny.  A  little  later  on,  when  our  relations  with 
France  were  strained  by  the  Imperialism  of  Louis  Napoleon, 
he  had  witnessed  the  rise  of  the  volunteer  movement  and  made 
merry  with  the  activities  of  the  citizen  soldier  of  Brook  Green. 
Later  on  again  he  had  watched,  not  without  grave  misgiving, 
the  growth  of  the  great  Prussian  war  machine  which  crushed 
Denmark,  overthrew  Austria,  and  having  isolated  France, 
overwhelmed  her  heroic  resistance  by  superior  numbers  and 
science,  and  stripped  her  of  Alsace-Lorraine. 

In  May,  1864,  Mr.  Punch  presented  the  King  of  Prussia 
with  the  "Order  of  St.  (iibbet  "  for  his  treatment  of  Denmark. 

In  August  of  the  same  year  he  portrayed  the  brigands 
dividing  the  spoil  and  Prussia  grabbing  the  lion's  share,  thus 
foreshadowing  the  inevitable  conflict  with  Austria. 

In  the  war  of  1870-1  he  showed  France  on  her  knees  but 
defying  the  new  Caesar,  and  arraigned  Bismarck  before  the 
altar  of  Justice  for  demanding  exorbitant  securities. 

And  in  187.^,  when  the  German  occupation  was  ended  by 
the  payment  of  the  indemnity,  in  a  flash  of  prophetic  vision 
Mr,  Punch  pictured  France,  vanquished  hut  unsubdued,  bid- 
ding her  conqueror  "Au  revoir." 

More  than  forty  years  followed,  years  of  peace  and  pros- 
perity for  Great  Britain,  only  broken  by  the  South  African 
war,  the  wounds  of  which  were  healed  by  a  generous  settle- 
ment. But  all  the  time  Germany  was  preparing  for  "The  Dav," 
steadily    perfecting    her    war   machine,    enlarging    her    armies, 

vii 


PrologMe 


creatini::  a  i^reat  fleet,  and  piling  up  colossal  supplies  of  guns 
and  munitions,  while  her  professors  and  historians,  harnessed 
to  the  car  of  militarism,  inflamed  the  people  against  England 
as  the  jealous  enemy  of  Germany's  legitimate  expansion. 
Abroad,  like  a  great  octopus,  she  was  fastening  the  tentacles 


GAUL  TO  THE   NEW   C^SAR 

Defiance,   Emperor,   while  I   have  strength  to   hurl   it !  " 

(Dec.    17,    ib'/O) 


of  permeation  and  penetration  in  every  corner  of  the  globe, 
honeycombing  Russia  and  Belgium,  France,  England  and 
America  with  secret  agents,  spying  and  intriguing  and  abusing 
our  hospitality.  For  twenty-five  years  the  Kaiser  was  our 
frequent  and  honoured,  if  somewhat  embarrassing,  guest,  pro- 

viii 


THE   REWARD   OF   (DE)MERIT 

King  Punch  presenteth  Prussia  with   the   Order  of    "  St.  Gibbet. 

[May  7,    1S64) 


Pro/ogtce 


fessing  friendship  for  England  and  admiration  of  her  ways, 
shooting  at  Sandringham,  competing  at  Cowes,  sending  tele- 
grams of  congratulation  to  the  University  boat-race  winners, 
ingratiating  himself  with  all  he  met  by  his  social  gifts,  his 
vivacious  conversation,  his  prodigious  versatility  and  energy. 

Mr.  Punch  was  no  enemy  of  Germany.  He  remembered 
— none  better — the  debt  we  owe  to  her  learning  and  her  art ; 
to  Bach  and  Beethoven,  to  Handel,  the  "dear  Saxon  "  who 
adopted  our  citizenship;  to  Mendelssohn,  who  regarded 
England  as  his  second  home;  to  her  fairy  tales  and  folk-lore; 
to  the  Brothers  Grimm  and  the  Strwvoivelpeter ;  to  the  old  kindly 
Germany  which  has  been  driven  mad  by  War  Lords  and  Pan- 
Germans.  If  Mr.  Punch's  awakening  was  gradual  he  at  least 
recognised  the  dangerous  elements  in  the  Kaiser's  character 
as  far  back  as  October,  1888,  when  he  underlined  Bismarck's 
warning  against  Caesarism.  In  March,  1890,  appeared 
Tenniel's  famous  cartoon  "Dropping  the  Pilot";  in  May  of 
the  same  year  the  Kaiser  appears  as  the  Enfant  Terrible  of 
Europe,  rocking  the  boat  and  alarming  his  fellow-rulers.  In 
January,  1892,  he  is  the  Imperial  Jack-in-the-Box  with  a  finger 
in  every  pie;  in  March,  1892,  the  modern  Alexander,  who 

Assumes  the  God, 

Affects  to  nod, 

And  seems  to  shake  the  spheres ; 

though  unfortunately  never  nodding  in  the  way  that  Homer 
did.  (This  cartoon,  by  the  way,  caused  Punch  to  be  excluded 
for  a  while  from  the  Imperial  Palace.) 

In  P^ebruary,  1896,  Mr.  Punch  drew  the  Kaiser  as  Fidgety 
Will.  In  January,  1897,  he  was  the  Imperial  actor-manager 
casting  himself  for  a  leading  part  in  IJn  Voyage  en  Chine;  in 
October  of  the  same  year  he  was  "Cook's  Crusader,"  sym- 
pathising with  the  Turk  at  the  time  of  the  Cretan  ultimatum ; 
and  in  April,  1903,  the  famous  visit  to  Tangier  suggested  the 
Moor  of  Potsdam  wooing  Morocco  to  the  strains  of 

"  Unter  dc-n   Linden  " — always  at  Home, 
"Under  the   Limelight,"  wherever  1   roam. 

X 


"AU   REVOIR!" 

Germany:  "Farewell.  Madam,  and  if " 

France  :  "  Ha  !     We  shall  meet  again  !  " 

{Sept.  27,    1873) 


SOL 


Prologue 


In  1905  the  Kaiser  was  "The  Sower  uf  Tares,"  the  enemy 
of  Europe. 

In  1910  he  was  Teutonising  and  Prussifying  Turkey;  in 
191 1  discovering  to  his  discomfort  that  the  Triple  Entente  was 
a  solid  fact. 

And  in  September,    1913,  he  was  shown  as  unable  to  dis- 


'i^'''illljmm<s^, 


THE  STORY   OF   FIDGETY   WILHELM 

(Up-to-date  Version  of  "  Struwwelpeler  "  ) 


''  Let  me  see  if  Wilhclm  can 
Be  a  little  gentleman  ; 
Let  me  see  if  he  is  able 
To  sit  still  for  once  at  table  !  '' 
Ffb.  I,  1896. 


"  But  Fidgety  Will 
He  'ivon't  sit  still." 

Just  like  any  bucking  horse. 

"  Wilhclm  I   \Vc  are  gettini^  cross  ! '' 


semble  his  disappointment  at  the  defeat  of  the  German-trained 
Turkish  army  by  the  Balkan  League. 

So,  too,  with  Turkey.  From  1876  to  1913  ^^r.  Punch's 
cartoons  on  the  Near  East  are  one  continuous  and  illuminating 
commentary   on    Lord   Salisbury's   historic   admission   that   we 


Xll 


THE   SOWER  OF   TARES 

(Aflcr  Millais,  Au:^\  23,   1905) 


Xlll 


Prolog7te 


had  "backed  the  wrong  horse,"  culminatini^  in  the  cartoon 
"Armageddon  :  a  Diversion  "  in  December,  191 2,  when  Turkey 
says  "Good!  If  only  all  these  other  Christian  nations  get  at 
one  another's  throats  I  may  have  a  dose's  chance  yet." 
Throiicrhout  the  entire  series  the  Sick  Alan  remains  cynical 
and    impenitent,    blowing    endless    bubble-promises   of    reform 


SOLID 

Germany:  "  Donnerwetter !     It's  rock.     J   thought  it  was 
going  to  be  paper."     {Aug.   2,    1911) 

from  his  hookah,  bullying  and  massacring  his  subject  races 
whenever  he  had  the  chance,  playing  off  the  jealousies  of  the 
Powers,  one  against  the  other,  to  further  his  own  sinister  ends. 
Yet  Mr.  Punch  does  not  wish  to  lay  claim  to  any  special 
prescience  or  wisdom,  for,  in  spile  of  lucid  intervals  of  fore- 
sight, we  were  all  deceived  by  Germany.  Nearly  fifty  years 
of  peace  had  blinded  us  to  fifty  years  of  relentless  preparation 
for  war.    But  if  we  were  deceived  by  the  treachery  of  Germany's 

xiv 


Prologue 


false  professions,  we  had  no  monopoly  of  illusion.  Germany 
made  the  huge  mistake  of  believing  that  we  would  stand  out 
•^that  we  dared  not  support  France  in  face  of  our  troubles 
and  divisions  at  home.  She  counted  on  the  pacific  influences 
in  a  Liberal  Cabinet,  on  the  looseness  of  the  lies  which  bound 
us  to  our  Dominions,  on  the  "contemptible  "  numbers  of  our 
Expedilionarv  F^orce,  on  the  surrender  of  Belgium.  She  had 
willed  the  War;  the  tragedy  of  Sarajevo  gave  her  the  excuse. 
There  is  no  longer  any  need  to  fix  the  responsibility.  The 
roots  of  the  world  conflict  which  seemed  obscure  to  a  neutral 
statesman  have  long  been  laid  bare  by  the  avowals  of  the 
chief  criminal.  The  story  is  told  in  the  Memoir  of  Prince 
Lichnowsky,  in  the  revelations  of  Dr.  Muehlon  of  Krupp's, 
in  the  official  correspondence  that  has  come  to  light  since  the 
Revolution  of  Berlin.  Germany  stands  before  the  bar  of 
civilisation  as  the  teu^  confifens  in  the  cause  of  light  against 
darkness,  freedom  against  world  enslavement. 

So  the  War  began,  and  if  "when  war  begins  then  hell 
opens,"  the  saying  gained  a  tenfold  truth  in  the  greatest  War 
of  all,  when  the  aggressor  at  once  began  to  wage  it  on  non- 
combatants,  on  the  helpless  and  innocent,  on  women  and 
children,  with  a  cold  and  deliberate  ferocity  unparalleled  in 
history.  Let  it  now  be  frankly  owned  that  in  the  shock  of  this 
discovery  Mr.  Punch  thought  seriously  of  putting  up  his 
shutters.  How  could  he  carry  on  in  a  shattered  and  mourning 
world?  The  chronicle  that  follows  shows  how  it  became 
possible,  thanks  to  the  temper  of  all  our  people  in  all  parts  of 
the  Empire,  above  all  to  the  unwavering  confidence  of  our 
sailors  and  soldiers,  to  that  "wonderful  spirit  of  light-hearted- 
ness,  that  perpetual  sense  of  the  ridiculous"  which,  in  the  words 
of  one  of  Mr.  Punch's  many  contributors  from  the  front, 
"even  under  ihe  most  apf)alling  conditions  never  seemed  to 
desert  them,  and  which  indeed  seemed  to  flourish  more  freely 
in  the  mud  and  rain  of  the  front  line  trenches  than  in  the 
comparative  comfort  of  billets  or  '  cushy  jobs.'  "  Tommy  gave 
Mr.  Punch  his  cue,  and  his  high  example  was  not  thrown 
away  on  those  at  home,  where,  when  all  allowance  is  made  for 
shirkers  and  slackers  and  scaremongers,  callous  pleasure- 
seekers,   faint-hearted  pacificists,   rebels  and  traitors,   the  great 

.\v 


Prologue 


majority  so  bore  themselves  as  to  convince  Mr.  Punch  that  it 
was  not  only  a  privilege  but  a  duty  to  minister  to  mirth  even 
at  times  when  one  hastened  to  laugii  for  fear  of  being  obliged 
to  weep.  In  this  resolve  he  was  fortified  and  encouraged,  week 
after  week,  by  the  generous  recognition  of  his  efforts  which 
came  from  all  parts  of  our  far-flung  line. 

This  is  no  formal  History  of  the  War  in  the  strict  or  scientific 
sense  of  the  phrase;  no  detailed  record  of  naval  and  military 
operations.  There  have  been  many  occasions  on  which  silence 
or  reticence  seemed  the  only  way  to  maintain  the  national  com- 
posure. It  is  Mr.  Punch's  History  of  the  Great  War,  a  mirror 
of  varying  moods,  month  by  month,  but  reflecting  in  the  main 
how  England  remained  steadfastly  true  to  her  best  traditions; 
how  all  sorts  and  conditions  of  men  and  women  comported 
themselves  throughout  the  greatest  ordeal  that  had  ever 
befallen  their  race. 


M'  PUNCH'S 

HISTORY  of  the  GREAT  WAR 


August,  igi4. 

FOUR  weeks  ago  we  stood  on  the  verge  of  the  great  up- 
heaval and  knew  it  not.  We  were  thinking  of  holidays; 
of  cricket  and  golf  and  bathing,  and  then  were  suddenly 
plunged  in  the  deep  waters  of  the  greatest  of  all  Wars.  It  has 
been  a  month  of  rude  awakening,  of  revelation,  of  discovery — 
of  many  moods  varying  from  confidence  to  deep  misgiving,  yet 
dominated  by  a  sense  of  relief  that  England  has  chosen  the  right 
course.  Sir  Edward  Grey's  statement  that  we  meant  to  stand  by 
France  and  fulfil  our  obligations  to  Belgium  rallied  all  parties. 
"Thrice  armed  is  he  that  hath  his  quarrel  just."  The  Fleet 
"stands  fast"  and  the  vigil  of  the  North  Sea  has  begun.  Lord 
Kitchener  has  gone  to  the  War  Office,  and  in  twelve  days 
from  the  declaration  of  War  our  Expeditionary  Force,  the 
best  trained  and  equipped  army  that  England  has  ever  put 
into  the  field,  landed  in  France.  The  Dominions  and  India 
are  staunch.  Every  able-bodied  public  school  boy  and  under- 
graduate of  military  age  has  joined  the  colours.  The  Admiralty 
is  crowded  with  living  counterparts  of  Captain  Kettle,  offering 
their  services  in  any  capacity,  linking  up  the  Merchant  Marine 
with  the  Royal  Navy  in  one  great  solidarity  of  the  sea. 

The  Empire  is  sound  and  united.  So  far  the  omens  are 
good.  But  as  the  days  pass  the  colossal  task  of  the  Allies 
becomes  increasingly  apparent.  Peace-loving  nations  are  con- 
fronted by  a  Power  which  has  prepared  for  war  for  forty  years, 
equipped  in  every  detail  as  no  Power  has  ever  been  equipped 
before,  with  a  docile  and  welWisciplincd  people  trained  to  arms, 
fortified  by  a  well-founded  belief  in  their  invincibility,  reinforced 
B  I 


Mr.  PiuicJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


by  armies  of  spies  in  every  country,  hostile  or  neutral.  We 
are  up  against  the  mii^htiest  War-machine  of  all  time,  wonderful 
in  organisation,  joining  the  savagery  of  the  barbarian  to  the 
deadliest  resources  of  modern  science.  The  revelation  of  the 
black  soul  of  Germany  is  the  greatest  and  the  most  hideous 
surprise  of  this  month  of  months,  crowning  long  years  of 
treachery  and  the  abuse  of  hospitality  with  an  orgy  of  butchery 
and  devastation— the  torture  and  massacre  of  old  men,  women 
and  children,  the  shooting  of  hostages,  the  sack  and  burning 
of  towns  and  the  destruction  of  ancient  seats  of  learning.  Yet 
we  feel  that  in  trampling  upon  heroic  Belgium,  who  dared  to 
bar  the  gate,  Germany  has  outraged  the  conscience  of  the  world 
and  sealed  her  ultimate  doom. 

The  month  closes  in  gloom,  the  fall  of  Liege,  Namur  and 
Brussels,  the  sack  of  Louvain,  and  the  repulse  of  the  Russian 
raid  into  East  Prussia  at  Tannenberg  following  in  rapid  suc- 
cession. Against  these  disasters  we  have  to  set  the  brilliant 
engagement  in  the  Heligoland  Bight.  But  the  onrush  of  the 
Germans  on  the  Western  front  is  not  stayed,  though  their  time- 
table has  been  thrown  out  by  the  self-sacrifice  of  the  Belgians, 
the  steadfast  courage  of  French's  "contemptible  little  army" 
in  the  retreat  from  Mons,  and  the  bold  decision  of  Smith- 
Dorrien,  who  saved  the  situation  at  Le  Gateau.  In  these  days 
of  apprehension  and  misgiving,  clouded  by  alarming  rumours 
of  a  broken  and  annihilated  army,  it  sometimes  seems  as  though 
we  should  never  smile  again.  Where,  in  a  world  of  blood  and 
tears,  can  Punch  exercise  his  function  without  outraging  the 
fitness  of  things?  These  doubts  have  been  with  us  from  the 
beginning,  but  they  are  already  being  resolved  by  the  discovery 
■ — another  of  the  wonders  of  the  time — that  on  the  very  fringes 
of  tragedy  there  is  room  for  cheerfulness.  When  our  fighting 
men  refuse  to  be  downhearted  in  the  direst  peril,  we  at  home 
should  follow  their  high  example,  note  where  we  can  the 
humours  of  the  fray,  and  "bear  in  silence  though  our  hearts 
may  bleed." 

Germany  in  one  brief  month  has  given  us  a  wonderful 
exhibition  of  conscienceless  strength,  of  disciplined  ferocity. 
She  has  shown  an  equally  amazing  failure  to  read  the  character 
of    her    foes   aright.     We    now    know    what    German    Kultur 

2 


BRAVO,   BELGIUM  ! 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  ilie  Great  War 


means  :  but  of  the  soul  and  spirit  of  Enj^land  she  knows  nothing. 
Least  of  all  does  she  understand  that  formidable  and  incorrigible 
levity  which  refuses  to  take  hard  knocks  seriously.  It  will 
be  our  privilege  to  assist  in  educating  our  enemies  on  these 
and  other  points,  even  though,  as  Lord  Kitchener  thinks, 
it   takes   three   years  to  do  it.     The   Mad   Dog  of   Europe   is 


'  VOUH   KIWC  «WC    COVKi 
A    CAll.    To  AWf> 


Medical  Officer:     "Sony   I   must  reject  you   on  account  of  your  teeth." 
Would-be-Recruit  :     "  Man,  ye're  making  a  gran'  mistake.       I'm   no  wanting 
lo  bite  the  Germans,   I'm   wanting  to  shoot  'em." 

loose,  but  we  remember  the  fate  of  the  dog  who  "to  serve 
some  private  ends  went  mad  and  bit  the  man."  "The  man 
recovered  from  his  bite,  the  dog  it  was  that  died."  Meanwhile 
the  Official  Press  Bureau  has  begun  its  operations,  the  Prince 
of  Wales's  Relief  F"und  for  the  relief  of  those  who  may  suffer 
distress  through  the  war  is  started,  and  in  the  City 


Because  beneath  grey  Northern  Skies 
Some  grey  hulls  heave  and  fall, 

The  merchants  sell  their  merchandise 
All  just  as  usual. 


Ge^nnany   Unmasked 


Septe7iiher,  igi4. 

A  NOTHER  month  of  revelations  and  reticences,  of  carnage 
l\  and  destruction,  loss  and  gain,  with  the  miracle  of  the 
-i-  J^  Marne  as  the  first  great  sign  of  the  turning  of  the  tide. 
On  September  3  the  Paris  Government  moved  to  Bordeaux, 
on  the  5th  the  retreat  from  Mons  ended,  on  the  13th  Joffre, 
always  unboastful  and  laconic,  announced  the  rolling  back  of 
the  invaders,  on  the  15th  the  battle  of  the  Aisne  had  begun. 
What  an  Iliad  of  agony,  endurance  and  heroism  lies  behind 
these  dates — the  ordeal  and  deliverance  of  Paris,  the  steadfast- 
ness of  the  "Contemptibles,"  the  martyrdom  of  Belgium! 

Day  by  day  Germany  unmasks  herself  more  clearly  in  her 
true  colours  from  highest  to  lowest.  The  Kaiser  reveals  him- 
self as  a  blasphemer  and  hypocrite,  the  Imperial  crocodile  with 
the  bleeding  heart,  the  Crown  Prince  as  a  common  brigand, 
the  High  Command  as  chief  instigators  to  ferocity,  the  rank 
and  file  as  docile  instruments  of  butchery  and  torture,  content 
to  use  Belgium  women  as  a  screen  when  going  into  action. 


THE    TWO     GERMANIES 

Marvellous  the  utter  transformation 
Of  the  spirit  of  the  German  nation  ! 

Once  the  land  of  poets,  seers  and  sag^es, 
Who  enchant  us  in  their  deathless  pages, 

Holding  high  the  torch  of  Truth,   and  earning 
Endless  honour  by  their  zeal  for  learning. 

Such  the  land  that  in  an  age  uncouther 
Bred  the  soul-emancipating  Luther. 

Such  the  land  that  made  our  debt  the  greater 
By  the  gift  of  Faust  and  Struivwelpeier. 

Now  the  creed  of  Nietzsche,  base,  unholv, 
Guides  the  nation's  brain  and  guides  it  solely. 

Now  Mozart's  serene  and  joyous  magic 
Yields  to  Richard  Strauss,  the  haemorrhagic* 


Great  play  is  made  in  Strauss's  FAektra  with  the  "  slippery  blood  "  motive. 

5 


Mr,  Piinclis  History  of  the  Great  War 

Now  the  eagle  chang-'ing'  to  the  vulture 
Preaches  rapine  in  the  name  of  culture. 

Now  the  Prussian  Jtinker,  blind  with  fury, 
Claims  to  be  God's  counsel,  judge  and  jury, 

While  the  authentic  German  genius  slumbers. 
Cast  into  the  limbo  of  back  numbers. 

The  campaign  of  lies  goes  on  with  immense  energy  in  all 
neutral  countries,  for  the  Kaiser  is  evidently  of  opinion  that 
the  pen  is  perhaps  mightier  than  the  sword. 

At  home  the  great  improvisation  of  the  New  Armies,  under- 
taken by  Lord  Kitchener  in  the  teeth  of  much  expert  criticism, 
goes  steadily  on.  Lord  Kitchener  asked  for  500,000  men, 
and  he  has  got  them.  On  September  10  the  House  voted 
another  half  million.  The  open  spaces  in  Hyde  Park  are 
given  over  to  training;  women  are  beginning  to  take  the 
place  of  men.  Already  the  spirit  of  the  new  soldiers  is 
growing  akin  to  that  of  the  regulars.  One  of  Mr.  Punch's 
brigade,  who  has  begun  to  send  his  impressions  of  the  mobilised 
Territorials,  sums  it  up  very  well  when  he  says  that,  amateurs 
or  professionals,  they  are  all  very  much  alike.  "Feed  them 
like  princes  and  pamper  them  like  babies,  and  they'll  complain 
all  the  time.  But  stand  them  up  to  be  shot  at  and  they'll  take 
it  as  a  joke,  and  rather  a  good  joke,  too."  Lord  Roberts 
maintains  a  dignified  reticence,  but  that  is  "Bobs'  way  "  : 

He  knew,   none  better,  how  'twould  be, 
And  spoke  his  warning  far  and  wide  : 

He  worked  to  save  us  ceaselessly, 
Setting  his  well-earned  ease  aside. 

We  smiled  and  shrugged  and  went  our  way, 
Blind  to  the  swift  approaching  blow  : 

His  every  word  proves  true  to-day. 
But  no  man  hears,  **  I  told  you  so  !  " 

Meanwhile  General  Botha,  Boer  and  Briton  too,  is  on  the 
war-path,  and  we  can,  without  an  undue  stretch  of  imagination, 
picture  him  composing  a  telegram  to  the  Kaiser  in  these  terms  : 
"Just  off  to  repel  another  raid.  Your  customary  wire  of  con- 
gratulations should  be  addressed,  '  British  Headquarters,  Ger- 
man South- West  Africa.'" 

6 


GOD    (AND   THE   WOMEN)    OUR   SHIELD 
Study  of  a  German  Gentleman  going  Into  Action 


Mr.  PuncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


The  rigours  of  the  Censorship  are  pressing  hard  on  war 
correspondents.  Official  news  of  importance  trickles  in  in 
driblets:  for  the  rest,  newspaper  men,  miles  from  the  front, 
are  driven  to  eke  out  their  dispatches  with  negligible  trivialities. 
We  know  that  Rheims  Cathedral  is  suffering  wanton  bombard- 
ment. And  a  great  many  of  us  believe  that  at  least  a  quarter 
of  a  million  Russians  have  passed  through  England  on  their 
way  to  France.     The  number  of  people  who  have  seen  them 


Porter:  "Do  I  know  if  the  Rooshuns  has  really  come  to  England?  Well, 
sir,  if  this  don't  prove  it,  I  don't  know  what  do.  A  train  went  through  here 
full,  and  when  it  came  back  I  knowed  there'd  been  Rooshuns  in  it,  'cause  the 
cushions  and  floors  was  covered   with   snow." 

is  large  :   that  of  those  who  have  seen  people  who  have  seen 
them  is  enormous. 

We  gather  that  the  Press  Bureau  has  no  notion  whether 
the  rumour  is  true  or  not,  and  cannot  think  of  any  way  of 
finding  out.  But  it  consents  to  its  publication  in  the  hope 
that  it  will  frighten  the  Kaiser.  Apropos  of  the  Russians  we 
learn  that  they  have  won  a  pronounced  victory  (though  not 
by  us)  at  Przemysl. 

Motto  for  the  month  :  Gratlcc  le  Prnsse  et  vous  trouveres 
le  barbare. 

8 


UNCONQUERABLE 

The  Kaiser:    "So,  you  see — you've  lost  everything." 
The  King  of  the  Belgians:   "Not  my  soul." 


Mr.  PitncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


October,  igi4. 

A  NTWERP   has  fallen   and   the   Belgian    Government   re- 
L\     moved  to  Havre.     But  the  spirit  of  the  King  and  his 
-^  ^  army  is  unshaken. 

Unshaken,  too,  is  the  courage  of  Burgomaster  Max  of 
Brussels,  "who  faced  the  German  bullies  with  the  stiffest  of 
stiff  backs."  The  Kaiser  has  been  foiled  in  his  hope  of  witness- 
ing the  fall  of  Nancy,  the  drive  for  the  Channel  ports  has 
begun  at  Ypres,  and  German  submarines  have  retorted  to  Mr. 
Churchill's  threat  to  "dig  out"  the  German  Fleet  "like  rats" 
by  torpedoing  three  battleships.  Trench  warfare  is  in  full  and 
deadly  swing,  but  "Thomas  of  the  light  heart"  refuses  to  be 
downhearted  : 

He  takes  to  fighting  as  a  game, 

He  does  no  talking  through  his  hat 
Of  holy  missions  :   all  the  same 

He  has  his  faith — be  sure  of  that : 
He'll  not  disgrace  his  sporting  breed 

Nor  play  what  isn't  cricket.     There's  his  creed. 

Last  month  Lord  Kitchener  paid  a  high  tribute  to  the 
growing  efficiency  of  the  "Terriers"  and  their  readiness  to  go 
anywhere.  Punch's  representative  with  the  "Watch  Dogs" 
fully  bears  out  this  praise.  They  have  been  inoculated  and 
are  ready  to  move  on.  Some  suggest  India,  others  Egypt. 
"But  what  tempted  the  majority  was  the  thought  of  a  season's 
shooting  without  having  to  pay  for  so  much  as  a  gun  licence, 
and  so  we  decided  for  the  Continent." 

News  from  the  front  continues  scanty,  and  Joffre's  laconic 
communiques  might  in  sum  be  versified  as  follows  : 

On  our  left  wing  the  state  of  things  remains 

Unaltered  on  a  general  review, 
Our  losses  in  the  centre  match  our  gains, 

And  on  our  right  wing  there  is  nothing  new. 

Nor  do  we  gain  much  enlightenment  from  the  "Eye- 
witness" with  G.H.Q.,  though  his  literary  skill  in  elegantly 
describing  the  things  that  do  not  matter  moves  our  admiration. 

lO 


Prophecies  aiid  Miracles 


.  ■^■ 


THE    BULL-DOG    BREED 

Officer  :    "  Now,  my  lad,  do  you  know  what  you  are  placed  here  for  ?  " 
Recruit:    "To  prevent  the  henemy  from  landin',  sir." 

Officer:    "And  do  you  think  you  could    prevent  him    landing  all    by  your- 
self ?  " 

Recruit:  "Don't  know,  sir,  I'm  sure.     But  I'd  have  a  damn  good  try!" 

The  Kaiser's  sons  continue  to  distinguish  themselves  as  first- 
class  looters,  and  the  ban  laid  on  the  English  language,  in- 
cluding very  properly  the  word  "gentleman,"  has  been  lifted 
in  favour  of  Wilhelm  Shakespeare. 

The  prophets  are  no  longer  so  optimistic  in  predicting 
when  the  War  will  end.  One  of  Mr.  Punch's  young  men 
suggests  Christmas,  1918.  But  500  German  prisoners  have 
arrived  at  Templemore,  co.  Tipperary.  It's  a  long,  long  way, 
but  they've  got  there  at  last. 


T 


Nove^nber,  igi4. 

HE  miracle  of  the  Marne  has  been  followed  by  another 
miracle — that  of  Ypres.     Outgunned  and  outnumbered, 
our  thin  line  has  stemmed  the  rush  to  the  sea. 
The   road   to  Calais  has  been   blocked  like   that   to   Paris. 

II 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Heartening  news  comes  from  afar  of  tlie  fall  of  Tsing-tau  before 
our  redoubtable  Japanese  allies,  and  with  it  the  crumbling  of 
Germany's  scheme  of  an  Oriental  Empire;  of  the  British  occu- 
pation of  Basra;  and  of  the  sinking  of  the  Emden,  thanks  to 
the  "good  hunting  "  of  the  Sydney — the  first  fruits  of  Australian 
aid.  A  new  enemy  has  appeared  in  Turkey,  but  her  defection 
has  its  consolations.  It  is  something  to  be  rid  of  an  "unspeak- 
able" incubus  full  of  promises  of  reform  never  fulfilled,  "sick" 
but  unrepentant,  always  turning  European  discord  to  bloody 
account  at  the  expense  of  her  subject  nationalities ;  in  all 
respects  a  fitting  partner  for  her  ally  and  master. 

At  sea  our  pain  at  the  loss  of  the  Good  Hope  and  Monmouth 
off  Coronel  is  less  than  our  pride  in  the  spirit  of  the  heroic 
Cradock,  true  descendant  of  Grenville  and  Nelson,  prompt  to 
give  battle  against  overwhelming  odds.  The  soul  of  the  "Navy 
Eternal "  draws  fresh  strength  from  his  example.  So,  too, 
does  the  Army  from  the  death  of  Lord  Roberts,  the  "happy 
warrior,"  who  passed  away  while  visiting  the  Western  front. 
The  best  homage  we  can  pay  him  is  not  grief  or 

Vain  regret  for  counsel  given  in  vain, 
But  service  of  our  lives  to  keep  her  free 

The  land  he  served  :  a  pledge  above  his  grave 
To  give  her  even  such  a  gift  as  he, 

The  soul  of  loyalty,  gave. 

Even  the  Germans  have  paid  reluctant  tribute  to  one  who, 
as  Bonar  Law  said  in  the  House,  "was  in  real  life  all,  and 
more  than  all,  that  Colonel  Newcome  was  in  fiction."  He  was 
the  exemplar  in  excelsis  of  those  "bantams,"  "little  and  good," 
who,  after  being  rejected  for  their  diminutive  stature,  are  now 
joining  up  under  the  new  regulations: 

Apparently  he's  just  as  small, 

But  since  his  size  no  more  impedes  him 

In  spirit  he  is  six  foot  tall — 
Because  his  country  needs  him. 

We  have  begun  to  think  in  millions.  'I'he  war  is  costing 
a  million  a  day.  The  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  has  launched 
a  war  loan  of  230  millions  and  doubled  our  income  tax.     The 

12 


THE    EXCURSIONIST 

Tripper  Wilhelm:  "First  Class  to  Paris." 
Clerk:  "  Line  blocked." 
Wilhelm :  "Then  make  it  Warsaw." 
Clerk:  "Line  blocked." 
Wilhelm:  "Well,  what  about  Calais  ?  " 
Clerk:  "  Line  blocked." 

Wilhelm :    "Hang  it!    1  must  go  someivhere  / 
people  I  would." 

13 


I    promised  my 


Mr.  Ptiuclis  History  oj  the  Great  War 


Prime  Minister  asks  for  an  addition  of  a  million  men  to  the 
Regular  Army.  But  the  country  has  not  yet  fully  awakened 
to  the  realities  of  war.  Football  clubs  are  concerned  with  the 
"jostling  of  the  ordinary  patrons"  by  men  in  uniform.  "Busi- 
ness as  usual"  is  interpreted  as  "pleasure  as  usual  "  in  some 
quarters.  Rumour  is  busy  with  stories  of  mysterious  prisoners 
in  the  Tower,  with  tales  of  huge  guns  which  are  to  shell  us 
from  Calais  when  the  Germans  get  there ;  with  reports  (from 
neutral  sources)  of  the  speedy  advent  of  scores  of  Zeppelins 
and  hundreds  of  aeroplanes  over  London.     But  though 

Old  England's  dark  o'  nights  and  short 

Of  'buses  :  still  she's  much  the  sort 
Of  place  we  always  used  to  know. 

It  is  otherwise 
with  Belgium,  with 
its  shattered  homes 
and  wrecked  towns. 
The  great  Russian 
legend  is  still  go- 
ing strong,  in  spite 
of  the  statements 
of  the  U  nder- 
Secretary  for  War, 
and,  after  all,  why 
should  the  Ger- 
mans do  all  the 
story  telling?  By 
the  w..y,  a  "  German 
Truth  Society  "  has 
been  founded.  It 
is  pleasant  to  know 
that  it  is  realised 
over  there  at  last 
that  there  is  a 
di  (Terence  between 
Truth  and  German 
Truth.  The  British 
Navy,  we  learn 
from  the  Kolnische 


T.B.D. 

Officer's  Steward:    "Will    you    take    your    bath. 


sir,    before  or  after  Kaction  ?  " 


14 


Coronel  Avenged 


Zeitung,  "  is  in  hiding."     But  our  fragrant  contemporary  need 
not  worry.     In  due  course  the  Germans  shall  have  the  hiding. 

In  some  ways  the  unchanged  spirit  of  our  people  is  rather 
disconcerting.  One  of  Mr.  Punch's  young  men,  happening 
to  meet  a  music-hall  acquaintance,  asked  him  how  he  thought 
the  war  was  going,  and  met  with  the  answer:  "  Oh,  I  think 
the  managers  will  have  to  give  in."  And  the  proposal  to 
change  the  name  of  Berlin  Road  at  Lewisham  has  been  rejected 
by  the  residents. 


I 


December,  igi4. 

lel  has  been 
of  the  Falkland  Islands 


N  less  than  six  weeks  Coronel  has  been  avenged  at  the  battle 


Hardened  steel  are  our  ships; 

Gallant  tars  are  our  men ; 
We  never  are  wordy 

(Sturdee,  boys,  Sturdee  !), 
But  quietly  conquer  again  and  again. 

Here  at  least  we  can  salute  the  vanquished.  Admiral  von 
Spee,  who  went  down  with  his  doomed  squadron,  was  a  gallant 
and  chivalrous  antagonist,  like  Captain  Miiller,  of  the  Emden. 
Germany's  retort,  eight  days  later,  by  bombarding  Scarborough 
and  Whitby,  reveals  the  normal  Hun  : 

Come  where  you  will — the  seas  are  wide ; 

And  choose  your  Day — they're  all  alike; 
You'll  find  us  ready  when  we  ride 

In  calm  or  storm  and  wait  to  strike; 
But — if  of  shame  your  shameless  Huns 

Can  yet  retrieve  some  casual  traces — 
Please  fight  our  men  and  ships  and  guns, 

Not  womenfolk  and  watering  places. 

Austria's  "punilive  expedition"  has  ended  in  disaster  for 
the  Austrians.  They  entered  Belgrade  on  the  2nd,  and  were 
driven  out  twelve  davs  later  bv  the  Serbs.     King  George  has 

15 


Mr,  Pttnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


paid  his  first  visit  to  the  front,  and  made  General  F'och  a 
G.C.B.  We  know  that  the  General  is  a  great  authority  on 
strategy,  and  that  his  name,  correctly  pronounced,  rhymes 
with  Boche,  as  hero  with  Nero.  He  is  evidently  a  man  likely 
to  be  heard  of  again.  Another  hitherto  unfamiliar  name  that 
has  cropped  up  is  that  of  Herr  Lissauer,  who,  for  writing  a 
"Hymn  of  Hate"  against  England,  has  been  decorated  by  the 
Kaiser.  This  shows  true  magnanimity  on  the  part  of  the 
Kaiser,  in  his  capacity  of  King  of  Prussia,  since  the  "Hymn 
of  Hate  "  turns  out  to  be  a  close  adaptation  of  a  poem  composed 
by  a  Saxon  patriot,  in  which  Prussia,  not  England,  was  held 
up  to  execration. 

Kitchener's  great  improvisation  is  already  bearing  fruit,  and 
the  New  Armies  are  flocking  to  the  support  of  the  old.  Indian 
troops  are  fighting  gallantly  in  three  continents.  King  Albert 
"the  unconquerable,"  in  the  narrow  strip  of  his  country  that 
still  belongs  to  him,  waits  in  unshaken  faith  for  the  coming 
of  the  dawn.  And  as  Christmas  draws  on  the  thoughts  of 
officers  and  men  in  the  waterlogged  trenches  turn  fondly  home- 
ward to  mothers,  wives  and  sweethearts  : 

Cheer  up!     I'm  calling  far  away; 

And  wireless  you  can  hear. 
Cheer  up  !     You  know  you'd  have  me  stay 
And  keep  on  trying  day  by  day ; 

W'e're  winning,   never  fear. 

Christmas  at  least  brings  the  children's  truce,  and  that  is  some- 
thing to  be  thankful  for,  but  it  is  not  the  Christmas  that  we 


knew  and  long  for 


ON   EARTH— PEACE 


No  stir  of  wings  sweeps  softly  by  ; 

No  angel  comes  with  blinding  light; 
Beneath  the  wild  and  wintry  sky 

No  shepherds  watch  their  flocks  to-night. 

In  the  dull  thunder  of  the  wind 

We  hear  the  cruel  guns  afar, 
But  in  the  glowering  heavens  we  find 

No  guiding,   solitary  star. 
i6 


Peace  : 
unspoiled. " 


THE  CHILDREN'S   PEACE 

"I'm    slad   that   they,   at    least,    have    their   Christmas 


«7 


Mr.  Piniclis  History  of  the  Great  JJ^ar 


But  lo  !  on  this  our  Lord's  birthday, 
Lit  by  the  glory  whence  she  came, 

Peace,  like  a  warrior,  stands  at  bay, 
A  swift,  defiant,  living'  flame  ! 

Full-armed  she  stands  in  shining  mail. 

Erect,   serene,   unfaltering  still, 
Shod  with  a  strength  that  cannot  fail. 

Strong  with  a  fierce  o'ermastering  will. 

Where  shattered  homes  and  luins  be 

She  fights  through  dark  and  desperate  days; 

Beside  the  watchers  on  the  sea 

She  guards  the  Channel's  narrow  ways. 

Through  iron  hail  and  shattering  shell, 
Where  the  dull  earth  is  stained  with   red. 

Fearless  she  fronts  the  gates  of  Hell 
And  shields  the  unforgotten  dead. 

So  stands  she,  with  her  all  at  stake, 

And  battles  for  her  own  dear  life, 
That  by  one  victory  she  may  make 

For  evermore  an  end  of  strife. 

Yet  we  have  our  minor  war  gains  in  the  temporary  dis- 
appearance of  cranks  and  faddists,  some  of  whom  have  sunk 
without  a  ripple.  And  though  the  Press  Censor's  suppressions 
and  delays  and  inconsistencies  provoke  discontent  in  the  House 
and  out  of  it,  food  for  mirth  turns  up  constantly  in  unexpected 
quarters.  The  Crown  Prince  tells  an  American  interviewer 
that  there  is  no  War  Party  in  Germany,  nor  has  there  ever  been. 
The  German  General  Staff  have  begun  to  disguise  set-backs 
under  the  convenient  euphemism  that  the  situation  has 
developed  "according  to  expectation."  An  English  village 
worthy,  discussing  the  prospects  of  invasion,  comes  to  the 
reassuring  conclusion  that  "there  can't  be  no  battle  in  these 
parts,  Jarge,  for  there  bain't  no  field  suitable,  as  you  may  say; 
an'  Squire,  'e  won't  lend  'em  the  use  of  'is  park."  The  troubles 
of  neutrality  are  neatly  summed  up  in  a  paper  in  a  recent 
geography  examination.  "Holland  is  a  low  country,  in  fact 
it  is  such  a  very  low  country  that  it  is  no  wonder  that  it  is 
dammed  all  round." 

i8 


Trials  on  the  Home  Front 


The  trials  of  mistresses  on  the  home  front  are  happily 
described  in  the  reply  of  a  child  to  a  small  visitor  who  inquired 
after  her  mother.  "Thank  you,  poor  mummie's  a  bit  below 
herself  this  morning — what  with  the  cook  and  the  Kaiser." 


Pompous  Lady:    "I  sliall  descend  at  Knightsbridge." 
Tommy  (aside):    "Takes  'erself  for  a  bloomin'  Zeppelin!" 

We  have  to  thank  an  ingenious  correspondent  for  drawing 

up    the    following    "credibility    index  "    for    the   guidance  of 
perplexed  newspaper  readers  : 

London,   Paris,  or  Petrograd   (official) lOO 

,,             ,,                   ,,             (semi-official) 50 

Berlin  (official)      25 

It  is  believed  in  military  circles  here  that — 24 

A  correspondent  that  has  just  returned  from  the  firing-line  tells 

me  that —      18 

Our  correspondent  at  Rome  announces  that —         11 

Berlin  (unofficial)            10 

I  learn  from  a  neutral  merchant  that — 7 

A  story  is  current  in  Venice  to  the  effect  that —      5 

It  is  rumoured  that — 4 

19 


Mr.  PuncUs  History  oj  the  Great  War 


1  have  heard  to-day  from  a  reliable  source  that — 3 

I  learn  on  unassailable  authority  that — 2 

It  is  rumoured  in  Rotterdam  that —        i 

Wolff's  Bureau  states  that —         o 


January,   i<)i$. 

GENERAL  VON  KLUCK  "never  ^ot  rouiKl  (>ii  the 
right."  Calais  is  Calais  still,  and  the  Kaiser,  if  he  still 
wishes  to  give  it  a  new  name,  may  call  it  the  "Never, 
Never  Land."  "General  Janvier"  is  doing  his  worst,  but  our 
men  are  sticking  it  out  through  slush  and  slime.  As  for  the 
Christmas  truce  and  fraternisation,  the  British  officer  who 
ended  a  situation  that  was  proving  impossible  by  presenting  a 
dingy  Saxon  with  a  copy  of  Punch  in  exchange  for  a  packet 
of  cigarettes,  acted  with  a  wise  candour  : 

For  there  he  found,   our  dingy  friend, 

Amid  the  trench's  sobering-  slosh, 
What  must  have  left  him,  by  the  end, 

A  wiser,   if  a  sadder,   Borhc, 
Seeing-  himself,   with  chastened  mien. 
In  that  pellucid  well  of  Truth  serene. 

There  can  be  no  "  fraternising  "  with  l'"rilz  until  he  realises 
that  he  has  been  fooled  by  his  War  Lords;  and  his  awakening 
is  a  long  way  off.  Lord  Kitchener  has  been  charged  with  being 
"very  economical  in  his  information  "  votichsafod  to  the  Lords, 
but  it  is  well  to  be  rid  of  illusions.  This  has  not  been  a  month 
of  great  events,  (jcneral  Joffre  is  content  with  this  ceaseless 
"nibbling."  'I"he  Kaiser,  nourished  by  the  flattery  of  his  tame 
professors,  encourages  the  war  on  non-combatants. 

The  Turks  are  beginning  to  show^  a  gift  for  euphemism  in 
disguising  their  reverses  in  the  Caucasus,  which  shows  that 
they  have  nothing  to  learn  from  their  masters;  Austria,  badly 
mauled  by  the  Serbians,  addresses  awful  threats  to  Roumania; 
and  the  United  States  has  issued  a  warning  Note  on  neutral 
trading.  But  the  American  Eagle  is  not  the  Eagle  that  we 
are  up  against. 

20 


THE   FLIGHT  THAT   FAILED 

The  Emperor :  "  What !  No  babes,  Sinah  ? " 

The  Murderer:  "Alas,  Sire,  none." 

The  Emperor  :  "  Well,  then,  no  babes,  no  iron  crosses.' 

{Exit  murderer,  Jiscoura'^ed.) 


21 


Mr.  PiincJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


The  number  of  Mr.  Punch's  correspondents  on  active  service 
steadily  grows.  Some  of  them  are  at  the  Western  front;  others 
are  still  straining  at  the  leash  at  home;  another  of  the  Punch 
brigade,  with  the  very  first  battalion  of  Territorials  to  land  in 
India,  has  begun  to  send  his  impressions  of  the  shiny  land; 
of  friendly  natives  and  unfriendly  ants;  of  the  disappointment 
of  being  relegated  to  clerical  duties  instead  of  going  to  the 
front;  of  the  evaporation  of  visions  of  military  glory  in  the 
routine  of  typing,  telephoning  and  telegraphing;  of  leisurely 
Oriental  methods.  Being  a  soldier  clerk  in  India  is  very 
different  from  being  a  civilian  clerk  in  England.  Patience, 
good  Territorials  in  India,  your  time  will  come. 

At  home,  though  the  "knut"  has  been  commandeered  and 
nobly  transmogrified,  though  women  are  increasingly  occupied 
in  war  work  and  entering  with  devotion  and  self-sacrifice  on 
their  new  duties  as  substitutes  for  men,  we  have  not  yet  been 
wholly  purged  of  levity  and  selfishness.  Football  new^s  has 
not  receded  into   its  true  perspective ;   shirkers  are   more  pre- 


THE     SHIRKERS'    WAR     NEWS 

There!     Whatldid   I  tell  you?     Norlhdown   Lambs  beaten — two  to  nothing.' 

22 


Germany  a7zd  her  Pigs 


occupied  with  the  defeat  or  victory  of  "Lambs"  or  "Wolves" 
in  Lancashire  than  with  the  stubborn  defence,  the  infinite  dis- 
comfort and  the  heavy  losses  of  their  brothers  in  Flanders. 

Overdressed  fashionables  pester  wounded  officers  and  men 
with  their  unreasonable  visits  and  futile  queries.  The  enemies 
in  our  midst  are  not  all  aliens;  there  are  not  a  few  natives  we 
should  like  to  see  interned. 

The  Kaiser  has  had  his  first  War  birthday  and,  as  the 
Prussian  Government  has  ordered  that  there  shall  be  no  public 
celebrations,  this  confirms  the  rumours  that  he  now  wishes  he 
had  never  been  born. 

Germany,  says  the  Cologne  Gazette  in  an  article  on  the 
food  question,  "has  still  at  hand  a  very  large  supply  of  pigs  " — 
even  after  the  enormous  number  she  has  exported  to  Belgium. 
Germany,  however,  does  not  only  export  pigs;  her  trade  in 
"canards"  with  neutrals  grows  and  grows,  chiefly  with  the 
United  States,  thanks  to  the  untiring  mendacity  of  Bernstorff 
and  Wolff.  Compared  with  these  efforts,  the  revelations  of 
English  governesses  at  German  courts,  which  are  now  finding 
their  way  into  print,  make  but  a  poor  show. 

As  the  British  armies  increase,  the  moustache  of  the  British 
officer,  one  of  the  most  astonishing  products  of  these 
astonishing  times,  grows  "small  by  degrees  and  beautifully 
less."  Waxed  ends,  fashionable  in  a  previous  generation,  are 
now  only  worn  by  policemen,  taxi-drivers  and  labour  leaders. 
The  Kaiser  remains  faithful  to  the  Mephistophelean  form.  But 
in  proof  of  his  desire  to  make  the  best  of  both  worlds,  nether  and 
celestial,  he  continues  to  commandeer  "  Gott "  on  every  occasion 
as  his  second  in  command.  Out-Heroding  Herod  as  a  murderer 
of  innocents,  he  enters  into  a  competition  of  piety  with  his 
grandfather.  For  we  should  not  forget  that  the  first  German 
Emperor's  messages  to  his  wife  in  the  Franco-Prussian  War 
were  once  summed  up  by  Mr.  Punch  : 

Ten  thousand  French  have  gone  below ; 
Praise  God  from  Whom  all  blessing^s  flow. 


23 


Mr.  P^mcJis  Histojy  of  the  Great  War 


J 


February^  igiS- 

ANUARY  ended  with  a  knock  for  the  Germans  off  the 
Dogger  Bank,  when  the  Bliicher  was  sunk  by  our  Battle- 
Cruiser  Squadron : 

They  say  the  Lio7i  and  the  Tiger  sweep 
Where  once  the  Huns  shelled  babies  from  tlie  deep, 
And  Bliicher,  that  great  cruiser — 12-inch  guns 
Roar  o'er  his  head,  but  cannot  break  his  sleep. 

And  now  it  is  the  turn  of  "Johnny  Turk,"  who  has  had 
his  knock  on  the  Suez  Canal,  and  failed  to  solve  the  Riddle  of 
the  SaJids  under  German  guidance.  Having  safely  locked  up 
his  High  Seas  Fleet  in  the  Kiel  Canal,  the  Kaiser  has  ordered 
the  U-boat  blockade  of  England  to  begin  by  the  torpedoing  of 
neutral  as  well  as  enemy  merchant  ships. 

You  may  know  a  man  by  the  company  he  keeps,  and  the 
Kaiser's  friends  are  now  the  Jolly  Roger  and  Sir  Roger 
Casement. 

Valentine's  Day  has  come  and  gone.  Here  are  some  lines 
from  a  damp  but  undefeated  lover  in  the  trenches  : 

Though  the  glittering  knight  whose  charger 

Bore  him  on  his  lady's  quest 
With  an  infinitely  larger 

Share  of  warfare's  pomp  was  blest, 
Yet  he  offered  love  no  higher, 

No  more  difficult  to  quench. 
Than  the  filthy  occupier 

Of  this  unromantic  trench. 

The  fusioq  of  classes  in  the  camps  of  the  New  Armies  outdoes 
the  mixture  of  "cook's  son  and  duke's  son"  fifteen  years  ago. 
The  old  Universities  are  now  given  up  to  a  handful  of  coloured 
students,  Rhodes'  scholars  and  reluctant  crocks.  As  a  set-off, 
however,  a  Swansea  clergyman  and  football  enthusiast  has  held 
a  "thanksgiving  service  for  their  good  fortune  against  Newcastle 
United."  Meanwhile,  the  Under-Secretary  for  War  has  stated 
that  the  army  costs  more  in  a  week  than  the  total  estimates  for 
the  Waterloo  campaign,  and  tli.it  our  casualties  on  the  Western 

24 


RUNNING  AMOK 

German  Bull:  "I  know  I'm  making  a  rotten  exhibition  of  my- 
self; but  I  shall  tell  everybody  I  was  goaded  into  it." 


25 


Mr.  P^incHs  Histoiy  of  the  Great  War 


front  alone  have  amounted  to  over  100,000.  So  what  with 
submarine  losses,  ubiquitous  German  spies,  the  German 
propaganda  in  America,  and  complaints  of  Government 
inactivity,  the  pessimists  are  having-  a  fine  time.  Tommy 
grouses  of  course,  but  then  he  complains  far  more  of  the  loss 
of  a  packet  of  cigarettes  or  a  tin  of  peppermints  or  a  mouth- 
organ  than  of  the  loss  of  a  limb. 

Germany's  attitude  towards  the  United  States  tempers  the 
blandishments  of  the  serenader  with  the  occasional  discharge 
of  half-bricks.  There  is  no  such  inconsistency  in  the  expression 
of  her  feelings  about  England.  Articles  entitled  "  Unser  Hass 
gegen  England  "  constantly  appear  in  the  German  Press,  and 
people  are  beginning  to  wonder  whether  the  Hass  is  not  the 
Kaiser.  Apropos  of  newspapers,  we  are  beginning  to  harbour 
a  certain  envy  of  the  Americans.  Even  their  provincial  organs 
often  contain  important  and  cheering  news  of  the  doings  of 
the  British  Army  many  days  before  the  Censor  releases  the 
information  in  England.  Daylight  saving  is  again  being  talked 
of,  and  it  would  surely  be  an  enormous  boon  to  rush  the 
measure  through  now  so  that  the  Germans  may  have  less 
darkness  of  which  to  take  advantage.  And  there  is  a  general 
and  reasonable  feeling  that  more  use  should  be  made  of  bands 
for  recruiting.  The  ways  of  German  musicians  are  perplexing. 
Here  is  the  amiable  Herr  Humperdinck,  composer  of  "Hansel 
and  Gretel,"  the  very  embodiment  of  the  old  German  kindliness, 
signing  the  Manifesto  of  patriotic  artists  and  professors  who 
execrate  England,  while  Strauss,  the  truculent  "Mad  Mullah" 
of  the  Art,  holds  aloof.  Dr.  Hans  Richter,  who  enjoyed 
English  hospitality  so  long,  now  clamours  for  our  extinction; 
it  is  even  said  that  he  has  asked  to  be  allowed  to  conduct  a 
Parsifal  airship  to  this  country. 


March,  igiS- 

ANEW   and  possibly   momentous  chapter  has  opened   in 
the    history   of   the    War   by   the  attempt   to   force   the 
D.-irdanelles.     At  the  end  of  February  the  Allied  Fleet 
bombardtd   the  forts  at   the  entrance,   and  landed  a  party  of 

26 


27 


Mr,  Pinic/is  History  oj  the  Great  War 


bluejackets.  Since  then  these  naval  operations  have  been 
resumed,  and  our  new  crack  battleship  Queen  EUcabeth  has 
joined  in  the  attack.  We  have  not  got  llirough  (he  Narrows, 
and  some  sceptical  critics  are  asking  what  we  should  do  if  we 
got  through  to  Constantinople,  without  a  land  force.  It  is  a 
great  scheme,  if  it  comes  off;  and  the  "only  begetter"  of  it, 
if  report  is  true,  is  Mr.  Winston  Churchill,  the  strategist  of  the 
Antwerp  expedition,  who  now  aspires  to  be  the  Dardanelson 
of  our  age.  Anyhow,  the  Sultan,  lured  on  by  the  Imperial 
William  o'  the  Wisp,  is  already  capable  of  envying  even  his 
predecessor : 

Abdul !     I  would  that  I  had  shared  your  plight, 

Or  Europe  seen  my  heels, 
Before  the  hour  when  Allah  bound  me  tight 

To  William's  chariot-wheels  ! 

Germany,  always  generous  witli  other  people's  property, 
has  begun  to  hint  to  Italy  possibilities  of  compensation  in  the 
shape  of  certain  portions  of  Austro-Hungarian  territory.  She 
has  also  declared  that  she  is  "fighting  for  the  independence  of 
the  small  nations,"  including,  of  course,  Belgium.  In  further 
evidence  of  her  humanity  she  has  taken  to  spraying  our  soldiers 
in  the  West  with  flaming  petrol  and  squirting  boiling  pitch  over 
our  Russian  allies.  It  is  positively  a  desecration  of  the  word 
devil  to  apply  it  to  the  Germans  whether  on  land,  on  or  under 
water,  or  in  the  air. 

We  have  begun  to  "push  "  on  the  Western  front,  and  Neuve 
Chapelle  has  been  captured,  after  a  fierce  battle  and  at  terrible 
cost.  Air  raids  are  becoming  common  in  East  Anglia  and 
U-boats  unpleasantly  active  in  the  North  Sea.  Let  us  tako 
ofT  our  hats  to  the  mine-sweepers  and  trawlers,  the  new^  and 
splendid  auxiliaries  of  the  Royal  Navy.  Grimsby  is  indeed  a 
"name  to  resound  for  ages  "  for  what  its  fishermen  have  done 
and  are  doing  in  the  war  against  mine  and  submarine  : 

Soles  in  the  Silver  Pit — an'  there  we'll  let  'em  lie; 
Cod  on  the  Dogger — oh,  we'll  fetch   'em  by  an'  by; 
War  on  the  water — an'   it's  time  to  serve  an'  die, 

For  there's  wild  work  doin'  on  the   North  Sea  ground. 

28 


WILLIAM  O'  TME  WISP 


29 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


An'  it's  "Wake  up,  Johnnie!"  they  want  you  at  the  travvlin' 
(With  your  long:  sea-boots  and  your  tarry  old  tarpaulin) ; 
All  across  the  bitter  seas  duty  comes  a-callin' 

In  the  Winter's  weather  off  the  North   Sea  ground. 
It's  well  we've  learned  to  laug-h  at  fear — the  sea  has  taught  us  how; 
It's  well  we've  shaken  hands  with  death — we'll  not  be  strangers  now, 
With  death  in  every  climbin'  wave  before  the  trawler's  bow, 

An'   the  black  spawn  swimmin'  on  the  North  Sea  ground. 

These  brave  men  nnd  their  heroic  brothers  in  the  trenches 
are  true  sportsmen  as  well  as  patriots,  not  those  who  interpret 
the  need  of  lighthcartedncss  by  the  cult  of  "sport  as  usual  "  on 
the  football  field  and  the  racecourse.  And  the  example  of  the 
Universities  shines  with  the  same  splendour.  Of  the  scanty 
remnant  that  remain  at  Oxford  and  Cambridge  all  the  physically 
tit  have  joined  the  O.T.C.  Boat-race  day  has  passed,  but  the 
crews  are  gone  to  "keep  it  long"  and  "pull  it  through" 
elsewhere  : 

Not  here  their  hour  of  great  emprise ; 

No  mounting  cheer  towards  Mortlake  roars; 
Lulled  to  full  tide  the  river  lies 

Unfrettcd  by  the  fighting  oars ; 
The  long  high  toil  of  strenuous  play 

Serves  England  elsewhere  well  to-day. 

London  changes  daily.  The  sight  of  the  female  Jehu 
is  becoming  familiar;  the  lake  in  St.  James's  Park  has  been 
drained  and  the  water-fowl  driven  to  form  a  concentration  camp 
by  the  sorry  pool  that  remains  beside  the  Whitehall  Gate. 

Spy-hunting  is  prevalent  in  East  Anglia,  but  the  amateurs 
have  not  achieved  any  convincing  results.  Spring  poets  are 
suffering  from  suspended  animation;  there  is  a  slump  in 
crocuses,  snowdrops,  daffodils  and  lambkins.  Their  "musings 
always  turn  away  to  men  who're  arming  for  the  fray."  The 
clarion  and  the  fife  have  ousted  the  pastoral  ode.  And  our 
military  and  naval  experts,  harassed  by  the  Censor,  take  refuge 
in  psychology. 

The  Kohiischc  Zcilung  has  published  a  whole  article  on 
"Mr.  Punch."  The  writer,  a  Herr  Professor,  finds  our  cartoons 
lacking  in  "modest  refinement."     Indeed,  he  goes  so  far  as  to 

30 


Luther  s  Criticism 


say  that  the  treatment  of  the  Kaiser  savours  of  blasphemy. 
One  is  so  apt  to  forget  that  the  Kaiser  is  a  divinity,  so  prone 
to  remember  that  Luther  wrote,  "We  Germans  are  Germans, 


THE    WAR    SPIRIT    AT    THE     BRITISH     MUSEUM 

Ardent  Egyptologist  (who  has  lately  joined  the  Civic  Guard) :  "  No,  1 
seem  to  have  lost  my  enthusiasm  for  this  group  since  I  noticed  Bes-Hathor- 
Horus  was  out  of  step  with  the  other  two." 

and  Germans  we  will  remain — that  is  to  say,  pigs  and  brutish 
animals."  This  was  written  in  1528:  but  "the  example  of  the 
Middle  Ages"  is  held  up  lo-<lay  by  German  leaders  as  the  true 
fount  of  inspiration. 


April,  igiS- 

A  HUNDRED  years  ago  Bismarck  was  born  on  April   i, 
the  man  who  built  with  blood  and  iron,  but  now  only 
the  blood  remains.     Yet  one  may  doubt  whether  even 
that   strong   and    ruthless   pilot    would   have   commended    the 

31 


Mr.  Ptcnc/is  History  of  the  Great  War 


submarine  crew  who  sank  the  liner  Falaba  and  laughed  at  the 
cries  and  struggles  of  drowning  men  and  women.  Sooner  or 
later  these  crews  are  doomed  to  die  the  death  of  rats  : 

But  you,  who  sent  ihcni  out  to  do  this  slianic; 

From  whom  they  take  their  orders  and  their  pay ; 
For  you — avenging-  wrath    defers  its  claim, 

And  Justice  bides  her  day. 

The  tide  of  "frightfulness  "  rolls  strong  on  land  as  on  sea. 
The  second  battle  of  Ypres  has  begun  and  the  enemy  has 
resorted  to  the  use  of  a  new  weapon — poison  gas.  He  had 
already  poisoned  wells  in  South  West  Africa,  but  this  is  an 
uglier  outcome  of  the  harnessing  of  science  to  the  Powers  of 
Darkness.  Italy  grows  restive  in  spite  of  the  blandishments 
of  Prince  Biilow,  and  as  the  month  closes  we  hear  of  the  landing 
of  the  Allies  in  Gallipoli,  just  two  months  after  the  unsupported 
naval  attempt  to  force  the  Dardanelles.  British  and  Australian 
and  New  Zealand  troops  have  achieved  the  impossible  by 
incredible  valour  in  face  of  murderous  fire,  and  a  foothold  has 
been  won  at  tremendous  cost  of  heroic  lives.  Letters  from  the 
Western  front  continue  cheerful,  but  it  does  not  need  much 
reading  between  the  lines  to  realise  the  odds  with  which  our 
officers  and  men  have  to  contend,  the  endless  discomfort  and 
unending  din.  They  are  masters  of  a  gallant  art  of  metaphor 
which  belittles  the  most  appalling  horrors  of  trench  warfare; 
masters,  too,  of  the  art  of  extracting  humorous  relief  from  tlie 
most  trivial   incidents. 

On  the  home  front  we  have  to  contend  with  a  dangerous 
ally  of  the  enemy  in  Drink,  and  with  the  self-advertising 
politicians  who  do  their  bit  by  asking  unnecessary  questions. 
Sometimes,  but  rarely,  they  succeed  in  eliciting  valuable  in- 
formation, as  in  Mr.  Lloyd  George's  statement  on  the  situation 
at  the  front.  We  have  now  six  times  as  many  men  in  the  field 
as  formed  the  original  Expeditionary  Force,  and  in  the  few 
days  fighting  round  Neuve  Chapelle  almost  as  much  ammuni- 
tion was  expended  by  our  guns  as  in  the  whole  of  the  two  and 
three-quarter  years  of  the  Boer  War. 

The  Kaiser  has  been  presented  with  another  grandson,  but 
it  has  not  been  broken  to  the  poor  little  fellow  who  he  is.     It  is 

32 


THE   HAUNTED   SHIP 

Ghost  of  the  Old  P.lot:  "I  wonaer  if  he  would  drop  me  no 


w 


33 


Mr,  Piniclis  History  of  tJie  Great  War 


also  reported  that  the  Kaiser  has  bestowed  an  Iron  Cross  on 
a  learned  pig — one  of  a  very  numerous  class. 


May,  i()i$. 

WE  often  think  that  we  must  have  got  to  the  end  of 
German  "f rightfulness,"  only  to  have  our  illusions 
promptly  shattered  by  some  fresh  and  amazing 
explosion  of  calculated  ferocity.  Last  month  it  was  poison  gas; 
now  it  is  the  sinking  of  the  Lusita^iia.  Yet  Mr.  Punch  had  read 
the  omens  some  seven  and  a  half  years  ago,  when  the  records 
established  by  that  liner  had  created  a  jealousy  in  Ger- 
many which  the  Kaiser  and 
his  agents  have  now  ap- 
peased, but  at  what  a  cost ! 
The  House  of  Commons  is  an 
odd  place,  unique  in  its  char- 
acteristics. Looking  round 
the  benches  when  it  reas- 
sembled on  May  loth,  and 
noting  the  tone  and  purport 
of  the  inquiries  addressed  to 
the  First  Lord,  one  might 
well  suppose  that  nothing  re- 
markable had  happened  since 
Parliament  adjourned.  The 
questions  were  numerous  but 
all  practical,  and  as  unemo- 
tional as  if  they  referred  to 
outrages  by  a  newly-dis- 
covered race  of  fiends  in 
human  shape  peopling  Mars 
or  Saturn.  Tlie  First  Lord, 
equally  undemonstrative,  an- 
nounced that  the  Board  of 
Trade  have  ordered  an  in- 
quiry into  the  circumstances 

34 


JdwtlilatU 


AN     OMEN     OF     1908 

Reproduced  from  "  Christmas  Cards 

for      Celebrities."     in     Mr.     Punch's 

Almanack  of  that  year 


HAMLET  U.S.A. 

Scene:  The  Ramparts  of  the  White  House. 
President  Wilson  :  "  The  time  is  out  of  joint,  O  cursed  spite, 

That  ever  I  was  born  to  set  it  right ! " 
Voice  of  Roosevelt  (off) :  "  That's  so  !  " 


35 


Mr.  PuncJis  Histoiy  of  the  Great  War 


attending  the  disaster.  Pending  the  resuh,  it  would  be  pre- 
mature to  discuss  the  matter.  Here  we  have  the  sublimation  of 
officialism  and  national  phlegm.  Of  the  1,200  victims  who  went 
down  in  this  unarmed  passenger  ship  about  200  were  Americans. 
What  will  America  say  or  do? 

In  silence  you  have  looked  on  felon  blows, 

On  butcher's  work  of  which  the  waste  lands  reek  ! 

Now  in  God's  name,   from  Whom  your  greatness  flows, 
Sister,   will  you  not  speak? 

Many  unofficial  voices  have  been  raised  in  horror,  indigna- 
tion, and  even  in  loud  calls  for  intervention.  The  leaven  works, 
but  President  Wilson,  though  not  unmoved,  gives  little  sign 
of  abandoning  his  philosophic  neutrality. 

In  Europe  it  is  otherwise.  Italy  has  declared  war  on 
Austria;  her  people  have  driven  the  Government  to  take  the 
path  of  freedom  and  honour  and  break  the  shackles  of 
Germanism  in  finance,  commerce  and  politics. 

Italy  has  not  declared  war  on  Germany  yet,  but  the  fury  of 
the  German  Press  is  unbounded,  and  for  the  moment  Germany's 
overworked  Professors  of  Hate  have  focused  their  energies  on 
the  new  enemy,  and  its  army  of  "vagabonds,  convicts,  ruffians 
and  mandolin-players,"  conveniently  forgetting  that  the  spirit 
of  Garibaldi  is  still  an  animating  force,  and  that  the  King 
inherits  the  determination  of  his  grandfather  and  namesake. 

On  the  Western  front  the  enemy  has  been  repulsed  at  Ypres. 
Lord  Kitchener  has  asked  for  another  300,000  men,  and  speaks 
confidently  of  our  soon  being  able  to  make  good  the  shortage 
of  ammunition. 

On  the  Eastern  front  the  Grand  Duke  Nicholas  has  been 
forced  to  give  ground;  in  Gallipoli  slow  progress  is  being  made 
at  heavy  cost  on  land  and  sea.  The  Turk  is  a  redoubtable 
trench  fighter  and  sniper;  the  difficulties  of  the  terrain  are 
indescribable,  yet  our  men  continue  the  epic  struggle  with 
unabated  heroism.  King  Constantine  of  Greece,  improved  in 
health,  construes  his  neutrality  in  terms  of  ever  increasing 
benevolence  to  his  brother-in-law  the  Kaiser. 

At  home  the  great  event  has  been  the  formation  of  a 
Coalition    Government — a   two-handed   sword,   as  we  hope,    to 

36 


OF  KULTUR 


37 


Mr,  Punclis  History  oj  the  Great  War 


smite  the  enemy;  while  practical  people  regard  it  rather  as  a 
"Coal  and  Ammunition  Government."  The  cost  of  the  War 
is  now  Two  Millions  a  day,  and  a  new  campaign  of  Posters 
and  Publicity  has  been  inaugurated  to  promote  recruiting. 
Volunteers,  with  scant  oflicial  recognition,  continue  their 
training  on  foot;  the  Hurst  Park  brigade  continue  their 
activities,  mainly  on  rubber  wheels.  An  evening  paper 
announces : 

VICTORY    IN   GALLIPOLI. 
LATE    WIRE    FROM    CHESTER. 

Mr.  Punch  is  prompted  to  comment : 

For  these  our  Army  does  its  bit. 

While  they  in  turn  peruse 
Death's  honour-roll  (should  time  permit) 

After  the  Betting  News. 

More  agreeable  is  the  sportsmanship  of  the  trenches,  where 
a  correspondent  tells  of  the  shooting  of  a  hare  and  the  recovery 
of  the  corpse,  by  a  reckless  Tommy,  from  the  turnip-field  which 
separated  our  trenches  from  those  of  Fritz. 

Amongst  other  signs  of  the  times  the  emergence  of  the  Spy 
Play  is  to  be  noted,  in  w-hich  the  alien  enemy  within  our  gates 
is  gloriously  confounded.  Yet,  if  a  certain  section  of  the  Press 
is  to  be  believed,  the  dark  and  sinister  operations  of  the  Hidden 
Hand  continue  unchecked. 

The  Germans  as  unconscious  humorists  maintain  their 
supremacy  hors  concours.  A  correspondent  of  the  Cologne 
Gazette  was  with  other  journalists  recently  entertained  to  dinner 
in  a  French  villa  by  the  Crown  Prince  Rupprecht  of  Bavaria. 
"The  party,  while  dining,"  we  are  told,  "talked  of  the  defects 
of  French  taste,  and  Prince  Rupprecht  said  that  French  houses 
were  full  of  horrors."  True,  O  Prince,  but  the  French  are 
determined  to  drive  them  out.  Better  still,  in  the  month  which 
witnessed  the  sinking  of  the  Lusitania  we  read  this  panegyric 
of  the  Teuton  in  Die  Welt:  "Clad  in  virtue  and  in  peerless 
nobility  of  character,  unassailed  by  insidious  enemies  either 
wMthin  or  without,  girded  about  by  the  benign  influences  of 
Kultur,  the  German,  whether  soldier  or  civilian,  pursues  his 
destined  way,  fearless  and  serene." 

38 


The  Lesson  of  Karlsruhe 


June,  igis> 

THE  weeks  that  have  passed  since  the  sinking  of  the 
Lusitania  have  left  Germany  not  merely  impenitent  but 
glorying-  in  her  crime.  "The  destruction  of  the 
Lusitania,"  says  Herr  Baumgarten,  Professor  of  Theology, 
"should  be  greeted  with  jubilation  and  enthusiastic  cheering, 
and  everybody  who  does  not  cheer  is  no  real  or  true  German." 
Many  harsh  things  have  been  said  of  the  Germans,  but  nothing 
quite  so  bitter  as  this  suggestion  for  a  test  of  nationality.  But 
while  Germany  jubilates,  her  Government  is  painfully  anxious 
to  explain  everything  to  the  satisfaction  of  America.  The 
conversations  between  the  two  Powers  are  continuous  but 
abortive.  President  Wilson's  dove  has  returned  to  him,  with 
the  report  "Nothing  doing,"  and  the  American  eagle  looks  as 
if  he  would  like  to  take  on  the  job. 

Germany  has  had  her  first  taste  of  real  retaliation  in  the 
bombardment  of  Karlsruhe  by  Allied  airmen,  and  is  furiously 
indignant  at  the  aftack  on  an  "unfortified  and  peaceful  "  town — 
which  happens  to  be  the  headquarters  of  the  14th  German  Army 
Corps  and  to  contain  an  important  arsenal  as  well  as  large 
chemical,  engineering  and  railway  works.  Also  she  is  very 
angry  with  Mr.  Punch,  and  has  honoured  him  and  other  British 
papers  with  a  solemn  warning.  Our  performances,  it  seems, 
are  "diligently  noted,  so  that  when  the  day  of  reckoning  arrives 
we  shall  know  with  whom  we  have  to  deal,  and  how  to  deal 
with  them  effectually."  It  is  evident  that  in  spite  of  Italy's  entry 
into  the  war  the  mass  of  the  Germans  are  still  true  to  their  old 
hate  of  England. 

But  Germany  does  not  merely  talk.  She  has  been  indulging 
in  drastic  reprisals  in  consequence  of  Mr.  Winston  Churchill's 
memorandum  on  the  captured  submarine  crews.  As  a  result 
39  imprisoned  British  officers,  carefully  selected,  have  been 
subjected  to  solitary  confinement  under  distressing  conditions 
in  return  for  Mr.  Churchill's  having  hinted  at  possible 
severities  which  were  never  carried  out.  Moral  :  Do  not  threaten 
unless  you  mean  to  act.  The  retirement  of  Mr.  Churchill  to 
the  seclusion  of  the  Duchy  of  Lancaster  and  the  appointment 
of  Mr.  Balfour  to  the  First  Lordship  of  the  Admiralty  afford 
hope   that  the   release  of  the  Thirty-Nine   from   their  special 

39 


Mr.  PimcJis  History  oj    the  Great  War 


hardship  will  not  be  unduly  postponed.  The  Coalilion  Govern- 
ment is  shakinj^  down.  A  Ministry  of  Munitions  has  been 
created,  with  Mr.  Lloyd  Geor<;e  in  charge;  and  members  of 
the  Cabinet  have  decided  to  pool  their  salaries  with  a  view  to 


ON    THE    BLACK     LIST 

Kaiser  (as  executioner):    "I'm  going  to  hang  you." 
PcNCH:  "Oh,  you  are,  are  you?     Well,  you  don't  seem  to 
know  how  the  scene  ends.     Ii's  the  hangman  that  gets  hanged." 

their  being  divided  equally.  Mr.  McKenna  has  made  his  first 
appearance  as  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  and  introduced  a 
Bill  authorising  the  raising  of  a  War  Loan  unlimited  in  extent, 
but,  being  a  man  of  moderate  views,  will  be  satisfied  if  nine 
hundred  millions  are   forthcoming.     Lord    Haldane   has  been 

40 


SOME   BIRD 

The    Returning    Dove    (to    President    Woodrow    Noah) 
Nothing  doing." 
The  Eagle:  "Say,  Boss,  what's  the  matter  with  trying  me  ? 


41 


Mr,  Pnnclis  Histo7'y  of  the  Great  War 


succeeded  in  the  Lord  Chancellorship  by  Lord  Buckmaster, 
having  caused  by  one  unfortunate  phrase  a  complete  oblivion 
of  all  the  services  rendered  by  his  creation  of  the  Territorial 
system.  The  cry  for  "more  men  "  has  now  changed  to  one 
for  "more  shells,"  and  certain  newspapers,  always  in  search 
of  a  scapegoat,  have  entered  on  a  campaign  directed  against 
Lord  Kitchener,  the  very  man  whom  a  few  short  months  ago 
they  hailed  as  the  saviour  of  the  situation.  Finding  that  the 
public  cannot  live  on  their  hot  air,  they  are  doing  their  best 
to  make  our  flesh  creep  and  keep  our  feet  cold.  Let  us  hope 
that  K.  of  K.  will  find  the  Garter  some  slight  protection 
against  this  hitting  below  the  belt. 

The  Russian  retreat  continues,  but  there  is  no  debacle. 
Greece  shows  signs  of  returning  sanity  in  the  restoration  to 
power  of  her  one  strong  man,  M.  Venizelos.  If  there  were  a 
few  more  like  him  then  (to  adapt  Porson)  "the  Germanised 
Greek  would  be  sadly  to  seek."  As  it  is,  he  flourishes 
exceedingly,  under  the  patronage  of  a  Prussianised  Court. 

In  Gallipoli  tlie  deadly  struggle  goes  on ;  our  foothold  has 
been  strengthened  by  bitter  fighting  and  our  lines  pushed 
forward  for  three  miles  by  a  few  hundred  yards — a  big  advance 
in  modern  trench  warfare.  Blazing  heat  and  a  plague  of  flies 
add  to  the  discomforts  of  our  men,  but  a  new  glory  has  been 
added  to  the  ever  growing  vocabulary  of  the  war  in  "Anzac." 
There  is  a  lull  on  the  Western  front,  if  such  a  word  properly 
can  be  applied  to  the  ceaseless  activities  of  the  war  of  position, 
of  daily  strafe  and  counter-strafe. 

At  home,  khaki  weddings  are  becoming  common  form.  By 
an  inversion  of  the  old  order  the  bride  is  now  eclipsed  by  the 
bridegroom  : 


-to' 


'Tis  well  :  the  lack  of  fine  array 

Best  fits  a  sacrificial  altar; 
Her  man  to-morrow  joins  the  fray. 

And  yet  she  does  not  falter; 
Simple  her  gown,  but  still  we  see 
The  bride  in  all  her  bravery. 

Society  is  losing  much  of  its  snap  through  the  political  truce. 
It  is  all  very  well  to  talk  of  the  lion  lying  down  with  the  lamb, 

43 


Botha  Makes  Good 


but  of  course  it  makes  life  a  distinctly  duller  business  both  for 
the  lion  and  the  lamb  when  each  has  lost  his  or  her  dearest 
enemy.  For  the  rest,  there  is  a  brisk  trade  in  anti-gas  respira- 
tors, "lonely  soldiers"  are  becoming  victimised  by  fair  corre- 
spondents, and  a  new  day  has  been  added  to  the  week — flag 
day. 

Proverb  for  the  month,  suggested  by  the  activities  of  the 
Imperial  infanticide:  "The  hand  that  wrecks  the  cradle  rules 
the  world.*'- 

July,  1^1$. 

THE  last  month  of  the  first  year  of  the  war  brings  no 
promise  of  a  speedy  end ;  it  is  not  a  month  of  great  battles 
on  land  or  sea,  but  rather  of  omens  and  foreshadowings, 
good  and  evil.  To  the  omens  of  victory  belongs  the  sinking  of 
the  Pornmern,  named  after  the  great  maritime  province,  so  long 
coveted  by  the  Brandenburgers,  the  makers  of  Prussia  and  the 
true  begetters'  of  Prussianism.  Of  good  omen,  too,  has  been 
the  "^clean  sweep  "  made  by  General  Botha  in  German  South- 
West  Africa,  where  the  enemy  surrendered  unconditionally  on 
July  9.  And  though  the  menace  of  the  U-boat  grows  daily, 
there  may  be  limits  to  America's  seemingly  inexhaustible  for- 
bearance. There  are  happily  none  to  the  fortitude  of  our  blue- 
jackets and  trawlers. 

Pundits  in  the  Press,  fortified  by  warnings  from  generals  in 
various  Home  Commands,  display  an  increasing  preoccupation 
with  the  likelihood  of  invasion  by  sea.  Mr.  Punch  naturally 
inclines  to  a  sceptical  attitude,  swayed  by  long  adherence  to 
the  views  of  the  Blue  Water  School  and  the  incredulousness  of 
correspondents  engaged  in  guarding  likely  spots  on  the  East 
Coast.  With  runaway  raids  by  sea  we  are  already  acquainted, 
and  their  growing  frequency  from  the  air  is  responsible  for 
various  suggested  precautions,  official  and  otherwise — pails  of 
sand  and  masks  and  anti-asphyxiation  mixtures — which  are  not 
viewed  with  much  sympathy  in  the  trenches.  There  the  men 
meet  the  most  disconcerting  situations — as,  for  example,  the 
problem  of  spending  a  night  in  a  flooded  meadow  occupied  by 
a  thunderstorm — with  irrelevant  songs  or  fantasias  on  the 
mouth-organ. 

43 


Mr.  Punclis  Htsfo7y  of  the  Great  War 


First  Trawler  Skipper  (to  friend  who  is  due  to  sail  by  next  tide):  "Are 
ye  takin'  any  precautions  against  these  submarines,  Jock  ?  " 

Second  Skipper:  "Ay!  Although  I've  been  in  the  habit  o'  carryin*  my  bits 
of  bawbees  wi'  me,  I  went  an'  bankit  them  this  mornin',  an'  I'm  no  taking  ma 
best  oilskins  or  ma  new  seabools." 

FiRbT  Skipper:  "  Oh,  t/ou're  a'richt,  then,  "^'e'll  hac  practically  nolhin' lae 
lose  but  yer  life." 

Oh,   there   ain't   no  band   to  cheer  us  up,   there   ain't  no   Highland 

pipers 
To  keep  our  warlike  ardure  warm  round  New  Chapelle  and  Wipers, 
So — since  there's  nothing-  like  a  tune  to  glad  the  'eart  o'  man, 
Why  Billy  with  his  nioulh-org-an   'e  does  the  best   'e  can. 

Wet,   'ungry,  thirsty,    'ot  or  cold,   whatever  may  betide  'im, 
'E'll  play  upon  the  'ob  of  'ell  while  the  breath  is  left  inside  Mm; 
And  when   we  march   up   Potsdam   Street,    and  goose-step  through 

Berlin, 
Why  Billy  with   'is  mouth-organ  'e'll  play  the  Army  in  1 

When  ofTicers  come  home  on  leave  and  find  Ene^lnnd  standinf^ 
where  she  did,  their  views  support  llie  wcatiier-beaten  major 
who  said  that  it  was  "worth  going  to  a  httle  trouble  and 
expense  to  keep  thai  intact."    But  you  can  hardly  expect  people 

44 


THE   OLD   MAN  OF   THE   SEA 
SiNBAD  THE  Kaiser :  "This  submarine  business  is  goin<^  to  get 
me  mto  trouble  with  America:   but  what  can  an  All-PowerfuI  do 
with  a  thmg  hke  this  on  his  back  ?  ** 

45 


Mr.  PiincHs  History  or  the  Great  War 


who  live  in  trenches  which  have  had  to  be  rebuilt  twice  daily  for 
the  last  few  months  and  are  shelled  at  all  hours  of  the  day  or 
nio^ht,  to  compassionate  the  occasional  trials  of  the  home- 
keeping  bomb-dodger.  The  war,  as  it  goes  on,  seems  to  bring 
out  the  best  and  the  worst  that  is  in  us.  South  Wales  responded 
loyally  to  the  call  for  recruits,  yet  200,000  miners  are  afifected 
by  the  strike  fever. 

The  House,  where  party  strife  for  a  brief  space  was  hushed 
by  mutual  consent,  is  now  devastated  by  the  energies  of  in- 
discreet, importunate,  egotistic  or  frankly  disloyal  question- 
mongers.  We  want  a  censorship  of  Parliamentary  Reports. 
The  Press  Bureau  withholds  records  of  shining  courage  at  the 
front  lest  they  should  enlighten  the  enemy,  but  gives  full 
publicity  to  those 

Who  give  us  words  in  lieu  of  deeds. 
Content  to  blather  while  their  country  bleeds. 

There  is,  however,  some  excuse  for  those  importunates  who 
wish  to  know  on  what  authority  the  Premier  declared  at  New- 
castle that  neither  our  Allies  nor  ourselves  have  been  hampered 
by  an  insufficient  supply  of  munitions.  In  two  months'  fighting 
in  Gallipoli  our  casualties  have  largely  exceeded  those  sustained 
by  us  during  the  whole  of  the  Boer  War.  And  financial  purists 
may  be  pardoned  for  their  protests  against  extravagant  expendi- 
ture in  view  of  the  announcement  that  the  war  is  now  costing 
well  over  three  millions  daily.  The  idea  of  National  Registra- 
tion has  taken  shape  in  a  Bill,  which  has  passed  its  second 
reading.  The  notion  of  finding  out  what  ever}'one  can  do  to 
help  his  country  in  her  hour  of  need  is  excellent.  But  the 
Government  do  not  seem  to  have  realised  that  half  a  million 
volunteer  soldiers  have  been  waiting  and  ready  for  a  job  for 
the  last  six  months  : 

And  when  at  last  you  come  and  say 
"What  can  you  do?     We  ask  for  light 

On  any  service  you  can  pay," 

The  answer  is  :  "  Y ou  know  all  right, 

And  all  this  weary  while  you  knew  it; 

The  trouble  was  you  wouldn't  let  us  do  it." 
46 


Etcpkemists  and  Pessimists 


The  German  Press  is  not  exactly  the  place  where  one  expects 
to  find  occasion  for  merriment.  Yet  listen  to  this  from  the 
Neueste  Nachrichten:  "Our  foes  ask  themselves  continuously, 
How  can  we  best  get  at  Germany's  vital  parts?  What  are  her 
most  vulnerable  points?  The  answer  is,  her  humanity — her 
trustful  honesty."  Here,  on  the  other  hand,  thousands  of 
people,  by  knocking  months  and  years  off  their  real  age,  have 
been  telling  good  straightforward  lies  for  their  country.  At  the 
Front  euphemism  in  describing  hardship  is  mingled  with 
circumlocution  in  official  terminology.  Thus  one  C.O.  is  re- 
ported to  refer  to  the  enemy  not  as  Germans  but  "militant 
bodies  of  composite  Teutonic  origin." 

A  new  and  effectual  cure  for  the  conversion  of  pessimists 
at  home  has  been  discovered.  It  is  simply  to  out-do  the 
prophets  of  ill  at  their  own  game.  The  result  is  that  they  seek 
you  out  to  tell  you  that  an  enemy  submarine  has  been  sunk 
off  the  Scillies  or  that  the  Crown  Prince  is  in  the  Tower.  It 
is  the  old  story  that  optimists  are  those  who  have  been 
associating  with  pessimists  and  vice  versa.  But  seriousness  is 
spreading.  We  are  told  that  even  actresses  are  now  being 
photographed  with  their  mouths  shut,  though  one  would  have 
thought  that  at  such  a  time  all  British  subjects — especially  the 
"Odolisques"  of  the  variety  stage — ought  to  show  their  teeth. 


Aug7ist,  igiS- 

ORDINARY  anniversaries  lead  to  retrospectT  after  a  year 
of  the  greatest  of  all  wars  it  is  natural  to  indulge  in  a 
stock-taking  of  the  national  spirit,  and  comforting  to 
find  that,  in  spite  of  disillusions  and  disappointments,  the 
alternation  of  exultations  and  agonies,  the  soul  of  the  fighting 
men  of  England  remains  unshaken  and  unconquerable.  Three 
of  the  Great  Powers  of  Europe  espoused  the  cause  of  Liberty 
a  year  ago ;  now  there  are  four,  and  the  aid  of  Italy  in  engaging 
and  detaching  large  Austrian  forces  enables  us  to  contemplate 
with  greater  equanimity  a  month  of  continuous  Russian  with- 
drawal, and  the  tragic  loss  of  Warsaw  and  the  great  fortresses 
of   Novo-Georgievsk  and   Brest-Litovsk.     And   if  there   is   no 

47 


Mr,  PicncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


outward  sign  of  the  awakening  of  Germany,  no  slackening  in 
frightfulness,  no  abatement  in  the  blasphemous  and  overween- 
ing confidence  of  her  Ruler  and  his  War-lords,  who  can  tell 
whether  they  have  not  moments  of  self-distrust  ? 

THE    WAYSIDE    CALVARY. 

August  4th,    1915. 

Now  wnth  the  full  year  Memory  holds  her  tryst, 

Heavy  with  such  a  tale  of  bitter  loss 
As  never  Earth  has  suffered  since  the  Christ 
Hung  for  us  on  the  Cross. 

If  God,   O  Kaiser,  makes    the  vision  plain  ; 

Gives  you  on  some  lone  Calvary  to  see 
The  Man  of  Sorrows  Who  endured  the  pain 
And  died  to  set  us  free — 

How  will  you  face  beneath  its  crown  of  thorn 
That  figure  stark  against  the  smoking  skies, 
The  arms  outstretched,   the  sacred  head  forlorn. 
And  those  reproachful  eyes? 

How  dare  confront  the  false  quest  with  the  true. 

Or  think  what  gulfs  between  the  ideals  lie 
Of  Him  Who  died  that  men  may  live — and  you 
Who  live  that  man  may  die? 

Ah,  turn  your  eyes  away;   He  reads  your  heart; 

Pass  on  and,  having  done  your  work  abhorred, 
Join  hands  with  Judas  in  his  place  apart, 
You  who  betrayed  your  Lord. 

It  is  the  way  of  modern  war  that  we  know  little  of  what 
is  going  on,  least  of  all  on  sea.  Some  of  our  sailormen  have 
had  their  chance  in  the  Heligoland  Bight,  off  the  Dogger  Bank 
and  Falkland  Isles,  and  in  the  Dardanelles.  It  is  well  that  we 
should  remember  what  we  owe  to  the  patient  vigil  of  their  less 
fortunate  comrades,  the  officers  and  men  of  the  Grand  Fleet, 
and  to  the  indefatigable  and  ubiquitous  activities  of  the  ships 
offirinllv  classified  as  "Light  Cruisers  (Old)": 

From   Pole   unto   Pole,   all   the  oreans  between, 
Patrolling,    protecting,    imvvearied,    unseen, 
48 


AFTER   ONE   YEAR 


49 


Mr.  Pnnclis  History  of  ilie  Great  War 


By   night  or  by   noonday,   the  Navy  is  there, 
And  the  out-of-date  cruisers  are  doing  their  share, 
The  creaky  old  cruisers  whose  day   is   not  done, 
Built   some  time  before   Nineteen-hundred-and-one. 

At  any  rate,  we  know  for  certain  that  British  submarines  have 
made  their  way  into  the  Baltic,  a  "sea  change"  extremely 
disquieting-  to  the  Germans,  who,  for  the  rest,  have  sufTered  in 
a  naval  scrap  in  the  Gulf  of  Riga  with  the  Russians.  On  the 
Western  front  our  troops  are  suffering  from  two  plagues — 
large  shells  and  little  flies.  These  troubles  have  not  prevented 
them  from  scoring  a  small  though  costly  success  at  Hooge. 
From  Gallipoli  comes  the  news  of  fresh  deeds  of  amazing 
heroism  at  Suvla  Bay  and  Anzac. 

The  war  of  Notes  goes  on  with  unabated  energy  between 
Germany  and  the  U.S.A.  At  home  a  brief  period  has  been 
set  to  the  pernicious  activities  of  importunate  inquisitors  by 
t1ie  adjournment  of  the  House  till  mid-September.  "Dr. 
Punch  "  is  of  opinion  that  the  Mother  of  Parliaments  is  sorely 
in  need  of  a  rest  and  needs  every  hour  of  a  seven  weeks' 
holiday.  In  the  Thrift  campaign,  which  has  now  set  in, 
everybody  expects  that  everybody  else  should  do  his  duty ;  and 
the  universal  eruption  of  posters  imploring  us  to  subscribe  to 
the  War  Loan  indicates  the  emergence  of  a  new  Art — that  of 
Government  by  advertisement.  To  the  obvious  appeals  to  duty, 
patriotism,  conscience,  appeals  to  shame,  appeals  romantic  and 
even  facetious  are  now  added.  It  may  be  necessary,  but  the 
method  is  not  dignified.  All  that  can  be  said  is  that  "Govertise- 
ment,"  or  government  by  advertisement,  is  better  than  Govern- 
ment bv  the  Press,  a  new  terror  with  which  we  are  daily 
threatened. 

Mr.  Winston  Churchill,  the  greatest  of  our  quick-change 
political  artists,  is  said  to  be  devoting  his  leisure  to  landscape 
painting.  The  particular  school  that  he  favours  is  not  publicly 
stated,  but  we  have  reason  to  believe  that  he  intends  to  be  a 
Leader. 

The  Archbishop  of  Cologne  says  that,  on  being  congratu- 
lated on  his  Eastern  successes,  the  Kaiser  "turned  his  eyes  to 
heaven  with  the  most  indescribable  expression  of  intense 
gratitude  and  religious  fervour."     Ves,   we  can  quite  imagine 

5'5 


splendid  Mendacity 


that  it  beggared  description.  But  there  is  no  difficulty  in 
finding  the  right  phrase  for  his  address  to  the  inhabitants  of 
Warsaw:  "We  wage  war  only  against  hostile  troops,  not 
against  peaceful  citizens."  It  is  not  " splendide  mendax."  That 
is  the  due  of  boys  who  overstate,  and  men  who  understate,  their 
age  in  order  to  serve  their  country  in  the  field. 


Officer  (lo   boy  of    thirteen   who,  in  his  effort  to  get  taken    on   as   a    bugler 
has  given  his  age  as  sixteen):    "Do  you  know  where  boys  go  who  tell  lies?" 
Applicant:    "To  the  Front,  sir." 

A  correspondent  reminds  Mr.  Punch  that  four  years  ago 
he  wrote  as  follows:  "Lord  Haldane,  in  defending  the 
Territorials,  declared  that  he  expects  to  be  dead  before  any 
political  party  seriously  suggests  compulsory  military  service. 
We  understand  that,  since  making  this  statement,  our  War 
Minister  has  received  a  number  of  telegrams  from  Germany 
wishing  him  long  life."  But  we  suspect  that  when  he  said 
dead  he  meant  politically  dead.  Still,  we  owe  Lord  Haldane 
the  Territorials,  and  they  are  doing  great  work  in  Europe  and 
most  valuable,  if  thankless,  work  in  India.  As  "One  of  the 
Punch  brigade"  writes:  "The  hearts  of  very  few  of  the 
Territorials  now  garrisoning  India  are  in  their  work,  though, 

51 


Mr.  Pitncli  s  History  oj  the  Great  War 


of  course,  we  know  that  actually  it  is  essential  duty  we  are 
performing."  "They  also  serve,"  who  patiently  endure  the 
dull  routine  of  existence  largely  spent  in  a  stifling  fort  on  the 
blistering  and  dust-swept  plains,  and  find  relief  in  the  smallest 
incident  that  breaks  the  monotony.  As,  for  example,  when  a 
quartermaster-sergeant  was  held  up  by  a  native  guard  at  a 
bridge,  and,  on  demanding  an  explanation,  had  his  attention 
directed  to  the  notices  on  the  wall,  "Elephants  and  traction 
engines  are  not  allowed  to  cross  this  bridge." 


September,  IQIS' 

THE  Tsar  has  succeeded  the  Grand  Nicholas  as  General- 
issimo of  his  armies,  and  the  great  Russian  retreat  has 
ended.  Yet  it  would  be  rash  to  say  that  the  one  event 
has  caused  the  other.  Lord  Kitchener's  statement  that  on  the 
Eastern  front  the  Germans  had  "almost  shot  their  last  bolt" 
is  a  better  summary,  and  when  we  reflect  on  their  enormous 
superiority  in  artillery  and  equipment,  that  is  a  great  tribute 
to  the  strategy  of  the  Grand  Duke  in  conducting  the  most 
difficult  retreat  of  modern  times.  Germany,  though  a  mistress 
of  the  entire  alphabet  of  frighlfulness,  is  making  increasing 
play  with  the  U's  and  Z's,  and  Admiral  Percy  Scott,  who 
predicted  the  dangers  of  the  former,  is  now  entrusted  with  the 
task  of  coping  with  the  latter  menace. 

Five  months  have  elapsed  since  the  sinking  of  the  Lusitania 
and  the  pro-German  campaign  in  the  United  States  is  more 
active  than  ever,  thanks  to  the  untiring  efforts  of  Count  Bern- 
storff  and  his  worthy  ally.  Dr.  Dumba,  in  promoting  strikes  and 
sabotage;  but  President  Wilson,  "Le  Grand  Penseur,"  declines 
to  be  rushed  by  the  interventionists,  and  is  giving  his  detached 
consideration  to  the  "concessions"  of  the  German  Government 
in  resrard  to  submarine  warfare.  But  three  thousand  miles  of 
ocean  no  longer  keep  America  free  from  strife.  The  enemy 
is  within  her  gates,  plotting,  spying  and  bribing.  The  lesser 
neutrals  in  Europe  find  it  harder  to  dissemble  their  sympathies, 
but  Fercrnand  of  Bulgaria  maiiilnins  a  vulpine  inscrutability. 
By   wav  of  a  sidelight  on   what   happens  on   the   Western 

52 


<.f?/rven  ft-^*<_ 


THE  UNSINRABLE  TIRP 

German  Chancellor:  "Well,  thank  Heaven,  that's  the  last  of 
Tirpitz." 

TiRPiTZ  (reappearing) :  "  1  don't  think  !  " 


53 


Mr,  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


front,  a  wounded  oQiccr  sends  a  characteristic  account  of  his 
experiences  after  "going  over  the  top"  at  3  a.m.  "The  first 
remark,  as  distinct  from  a  shout  that  I  heard  after  leaving  our 
parapet,  came  from  Private  Henry,  my  most  notorious  male- 
factor. As  the  first  attempt  at  a  wire  entanglement  in  our  new 
position  went  heavenward  ten  seconds  after  its  emplacement, 
and  a  big  tree  just  to  our  right  collapsed  suddenly  like  a  dying 
pig,  he  turned  round  with  a  grin,  observing  :  '  Well,  sir,  we 
do  see  a  bit  of  life,  if  we  don't  make  money.'  I  never  saw  a 
man  all  day  who  hadn't  a  grin  ready  when  you  passed,  and 
a  bit  of  a  riposte  if  you  passed  tlie  time  of  day  with  him."  Our 
oflicers  only  think  of  their  men,  and  the  men  of  their  officers. 
In  Gallipoli  our  soldiers  have  discovtr  d  a  new  method  of 
annoying  the  Turk  : 

We  go  and  bathe,   in  shameless,  sci'  <\s 

Beneath  his  baleful  een. 
Disrobe,  unscathed,  on  sacred  shores 

And  wallow  in  between  ; 
Nor  does  a  soldier  then  assume 
His  university  costume, 
And  though  it  makes  the  Faithful  fume, 

It  makes  the  Faithless  clean. 

The  return  of  the  wounded  to  England  is  marked  by  strange 
incidents,  pathetic  and  humorous.  Thus  it  has  been  reserved 
for  an  officer,  reported  dead  in  the  casualty  list,  to  ring  up  his 
people  on  the  telephone  and  correct  "this  silly  story  about  my 
being  killed."  And  the  cheerfulness  of  the  limbless  men  in 
blue  is  something  wonderful.  They  "jest  at  scars,"  but  not 
because  they  "never  felt  a  wound."  It  is  a  high  privilege  to 
entertain  these  light-hearted  heroes,  one  of  whom  recently 
presented  his  partner  in  a  lawn  tennis  match  with  a  fragment 
of  shell  taken  direct  from  his  "stummick."  And  the  recipient 
rightly  treasures  it  as  a  love-token. 

Parliament  has  reassembled,  the  inquisitors  returning  (un- 
happily) like  giants  refreshed  after  their  holiday.  But  they 
sometimes  contribute  to  our  amusement,  as  when  one  relentless 
and  complacent  critic  declared  that,  on  the  matter  of  conscrip- 
tion, he  should  himself  "prefer  to  be  guided — very  largely — by 

54 


Flora   Yields  to  Ceres 


Lord  Kitchener."     The  concession  is  somethini^.     Most  of  the 
importunate  questionists  are  on  the  other  side  : 

"Take  from  us  any  joys  you  like,"  they  cry; 

"  We'd  bear  the  loss,   however  much  we  missed  'cm ; 
Let  truth  and  justice,   fame  and  honour  die. 

But  spare,   O   spare,    our  Voluntary   System!" 

A  m  o  n  i;  s  t  other 
signs  of  the  times  the 
increase  of  girl  gar- 
deners and  the  sacrifice 
of  flower  beds  to  vege- 
tables are  to  be  noted. 
But  War  changes  are 
sometimes  disconcert- 
ing, even  when  they 
are  most  salutary.  For 
example,  there  is  the 
cii  de  cceiir  of  a  pas- 
senger on  a  Clydebank 
tramcar  in  Glasgow  on 
Saturday  night,  with 
a  lady  conductor  :  "  I 
canna  jist  bottom  this, 
Tarn.  It's  Seterday 
nicht  an'  this  is  the 
Clydebank  caur,  an' 
there's  naebody  sing- 
in'  an'  naebody  fecht- 
in'  vvi'  the  conductor." 
Liquor  control  e  v  i  - 
dently  does  mean 
something. 

The  War  voca- 
bulary    grows    and 


A     HANDY     MAN 


Marine 
o'clock 
o'clock 
1  was  a 


(somewhat    late    ior    parade  :      "At    six     grOWS.       "  Pipsqueaks," 
I    was    a    bioomin'    'ousemaid :    at    seven 
i  was   a   bioomin'   valet;    at   eight  o'clock 


crumps"  and    "Jack 

bloomm'   waiter;  an'  now  I'm  a   bioomin'     JohnSOUS,"  pictUrCSQUe 

equivalents  for     u  n  - 
55 


jld 


ler ! 


Mr.  Piuicli  s  History  of  the  Great  War 


pleasant    things,    have    lonj;"   been    familiar   even    to   arm-chair 

experts.     The  strangely  named  "Archie,"  and  "Pacifist,"  the 

dismay  of  scholars — a  word  "mean  as  what  it's  meant  to  mean  " 

— now  come  to  be  added  to  the  list.     A   new  and  admirable 

explanation  of  tlie  R.F.A.,  "Ready  for  anyiink,"  is  attributed 

to  a  street  Arab.     Our  children  are  mostly  lapped  in  blissful 

ignorance,    but   their   comments  are   often    illuminating.      As, 

for  instance,  the  suggestion  of  a  small  child  asked  to  give  her 

idea  of  a  suitable  future  for  Germany  and  the  Kaiser:  "After 

the  war  I  wouldn't  let  Heligoland  belong  to  anybody.     I  would 

put  the  Germans  there,  and  they  should  dig  and  dig  and  dig 

until  it  was  all  dug  into  the  sea.     The  Kaiser  should  be  sent 

to  America,  and  they  should  be  as  rude  as  they  liked  to  him. 

If  he  went  in  a  train  no  one  was  to  offer  him  a  seat;  he  was 

to  hang  on   to  a  strap,   and  he  is  to  be  called  Mr.  Smith." 

Cooks  are   being  bribed   to  stay  by  the  gift  of  War  Bonds. 

Smart  fashionables  are  flocking  to  munition  works,  and  some 

of    them    sometimes    are     not    unnaturally     growing    almost 

frightened  at  the  organising  talents  they  are  developing.     So 

are  other  people. 

A  vigorous  campaign  against  flics  has  been  initiated  by 
the  journal  which  describes  itself  as  "that  paper  which  gets 
things  done."  Nothing  is  too  small  for  it.  Meanwhile  it  is 
announced  that  "Lord  Northcliffe  is  travelling  and  will  be 
beyond  the  reach  of  correspondence  until  the  end  of  next  week." 
Even  he  must  have  an  occasional  rest  from  his  daily  mail. 

We  have  to  apologise  for  any  suggestion  to  the  effect  that 
the  Huns  are  devoid  of  humour.  The  German  Society  for  the 
Protection  and  Preservation  of  Monuments  has  held  a  meeting 
in  Brussels  and  expressed  its  thanks  to  the  German  Military 
Authorities  for  the  care  they  had  taken  of  the  Monuments  in 
Belgium.  The  function  ended  with  an  excursion  to  Louvain, 
where  the  delegates,  no  doubt,  enjo}ed  a  happy  hour  in  the 
Library. 


56 


Ferdinand  ftistijies  Himself 


October^  igiS- 

SEPTEMBER  ended  with  the  Western  front  once  more 
ablaze,  with  bitter  fighting  at  Loos  and  a  great  French 
offensive  in  Champagne.  With  October  the  focus  of 
interest  and  anxiety  shifts  to  the  Balkans.  Austrian  armies, 
stiffened  with  Germans,  have  again  invaded  Serbia  and  again 
occupied  Belgrade.  The  Allies  have  landed  at  Salonika,  and 
Ferdinand  of  Bulgaria  has  declared  war  on  Serbia.  Thus  a 
new  theatre  of  war  has  been  opened,  and  though  it  is  well  to 
be  rid  of  a  treacherous  neutral,  the  conflict  enters  on  a  fresh 
and  formidable  phase.  When  Ferdinand  went  to  Bulgaria  he 
is  said  to  have  resolved  that  if  ever  there  were  to  be  any 
assassinations  he  would  be  on  the  side  of  the  assassins.  He 
has  been  true  to  his  word  ever  since  the  removal  of  Stamboloff  : 

Here  stands  the  Moslem  with  his  brutal  sword 
Still  red  and  reeking  with  Armenia's  slaughter; 

Here,  fresh  from  Belgium's  wastes,   the  Christian  Lord, 
His  heart  unsated  by  the  wrong  he  wrought  her; 

And   you  between   them,   on   your  brother's  track, 

Sworn,  for  a  bribe,   to  stick  him  in  the  back. 

France  and  England  have  declared  their  intention  of  render- 
ing all  possible  help  to  Serbia  in  her  new  ordeal,  but  Greece, 
false  to  her  treaty  with  Serbia,  and  dominated  by  a  pro- 
German  Court  and  Government,  hampers  us  at  every  turn. 
"'Tis  Greece,  but  living  Greece  no  more."  So  Byron  sang, 
and  a  Byron  de  nos  jours  adds  a  new  stanza  to  his  appeal : 

Lo,  a  new  curse — the  Teuton  banc  ! 

Again  rings  out  the  trumpet  call  ; 
France,    England,   Russia,   joined  again. 

For  freedom  fight,  for  Greece,  for  all ; 
And  Greece — shall  she  that  call  ignore? 
Then  is  she  living  Greece  no  more  ! 

Life  in  the  trenches  grows  more  strenuous  as  the  output 
of  high  explosive  increases,  and  the  daily  toll  of  our  best  and 
bravest  makes  grievous  reading  for  the  elders  at  home,  "who 
linger  bore  and  droop  beneath  the  heavy  burden  of  our  years," 

57 


Mr.  Punch's  History  of  t lie  Great  War 


though  many  of  them  cheerfully  undertake  the  thankless  fatigues 
of  guarding  the  King's  highway  as  specials.  But  letters  from 
the  front  still  show  the  same  genius  for  making  light  of  hard- 
ship and  deadly  peril,  the  same  happy  gift  of  extracting  amuse- 
ment from  trivial  incidents.  So  those  who  spend  their  days 
and  nights  under  heavy  shell  fire  and  heavy  rain  write  to  tell 
you  that  "tea  is  the  dominating  factor  of  war,"  or  that  "the 
mushrooming  and  ratting  in  their  latest  quarters"  are  satis- 
factory. And  even  the  wounded,  in  comparing  the  hazards 
of  London  with  those  at  the  front,  only  indulge  in  mild  irony 
at  the  expense  of  the  "staunch  dare-devil  souls  who  stay  at 
home." 

In  Parliament  Sir  Edward  Carson  has  explained  the  reasons 
of  his  resignation  of  office — his  difference  from  his  colleagues 
in  the  difficulties  arising  in  the  Eastern  theatre  of  war;  and 
a  resolution  has  been  placed  on  the  order-book  proposing  the 
appointment  of  a  Committee  of  Inquiry  on  the  Dardanelles 
campaign.  No  abatement  of  the  plague  of  questions  is  yet 
noticeable,  but  some  slight  excuse  may  be  found  for  the 
"ragging  "  of  the  Censor.  This  anonymous  worthy,  it  appears, 
recently  excised  the  words  "and  the  Kings"  from  the  well- 
known  line  in  Mr.  Kipling's  "Recessional"; 

The  Captains  and  the  Kings  depart. 

Apparently  the  Censor  cannot  admit  any  reference  to  the 
movements  of  royalty. 

When  the  Kaiser  was  at  Windsor  in  1891  he  told  the  Eton 
College  Volunteers  he  was  glad  to  see  so  many  of  them  taking 
an  interest  in  the  study  of  arms,  and  hoped  that  if  ever  they 
had  to  draw  their  swords  in  earnest  they  would  use  them  to 
some  purpose  for  their  country.  Now  that  there  are  three 
thousand  Etonians  at  the  front  he  is  beginning  to  be  sorry  he 
spoke.  The  Kaiser,  by  his  own  confession,  is  sorry  in  another 
way.  He  has  told  a  Socialist  deputy,  "with  tears  in  his  eyes," 
that  he  was  sincerely  sorry  for  France,  which  was  "the  greatest 
disappointment  of  his  life."  Even  crocodiles  sometimes  speak 
the  truth  unwittingly.  Meanwhile  the  Hamburg  Fremdenblatt 
asserts  that,  "We  Germans  would  gladly  follow  the  Kaiser's 
lead  throu£^h  the  very  gates  of  hell,  were  it  necessary."     The 

58 


REALISATION 

("When  I  went  to   Bulgaria   I   resolved  that  if  there  were  to  be 
any  assassinations  1  would  be  on  the  side  of  the  assassins." 

Statement  by  Ferdinand.) 


59 


Mr,  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  Way 


qualification  is  surely  superfluous,  in  the  lipht  of  the  murder 
of  the  heroic  English  hospital  matron,  Edith  Cavell,  at  Brussels 
on  October  12.  Iler  life  was  one  long  act  of  mercy.  She 
died  with  unshaken  fortitude  after  the  mockery  of  a  trial  on 
a  charge  of  having  assisted  fugitive  British  and  Belgian 
prisoners  to  escape.  But  her  great  offence  was  that  she  was 
English.  The  names  of  her  chief  assassins  are  General  Baron 
von  Bissing,  the  Governor  of  Brussels,  General  von  Sauber- 
sclnvcig,    the    Military    Governor,    and    the    Baron    von    der 


Landlady:    ""Ere's  the  Zeppelins,  sir!" 
Lodger:     'Right-o!    Put  'em  down  outside." 

Lancken,  the  Head  of  the  Political  Department.  Many  years 
will  pass  before  the  echoes  of  that  volley  fired  at  dawn  in  a 
Brussels  prison  yard  will  die  away. 

A  new  phase  has  been  reached  in  the  Conscription  con- 
troversy, and  the  burning  question  appears  to  be  whether  the 
necessary  men  are  to  be  compelled  to  volunteer  or  persuaded  to 
be  compulsorily  enrolled.  One  of  our  novelist  military  experts, 
who  is  not  always  lucky  with  figures,  though  he  thoroughly 
enjoys  them,  is  alleged  to  have  discovered  that  there  are  no 
more  men  than  can  be  raised  by  conscription,  but  that  the  same 
does  not,  of  course,  apply  to  the  voluntary  system. 

60 


Chtir chill  sen  va-t-en  Gtterre 

The  Daily  Mail  asks,  "  Have  we  a  Foreign  Office  ?  "  We 
understand  that  a  search-party  is  going  carefully  through 
Carmelite  House.  We  have  certainly  got  a  Chancellor  of  the 
Duchy  of  Lancaster,  so  efficient  in  the  discharge  of  his  duties 
that  he  has  made  himself  an  accomplished  landscape  painter 
in  three  months. 

A  visitor  to  a  remote  East  Anglian  village  in  search  of 
rest  has  found  recreation  in  discussing  with  the  inhabitants 
the  Great  War,  of  which 'he  found  some  of  them  had  heard. 
"Them  there  Zett'lins,"  said  one  old  woman,  "I  almost  shruk 
as  I  heerd  the  mucky  varmints  a-shovellin'  on  the  coals — dare, 
dare  !  How  my  pore  heart  did  beat  !  "  And  an  onlooker,  who 
had  seen  a  bomb  drop  near  a  church,  informed  the  visitor 
that  it  "fared  to  him  like  the  body  of  the  chach  a-floatin' 
away — that  it  did  and  all  !  It  made  a  clangin'  like  a  covey  of 
lorries  with  their  innards  broke  loose."  Another  inhabitant 
said  that  he  had  two  boys  fighting.  "One  on  'em  is  in  France, 
wherever  that  might  be,  and  Jimmy's  in  that  hare  old  Dar- 
delles."  He  couldn't  rightly  say  when  the  elder  had  gone 
out,  "but  it  might  be  a  yare  ago  come  muck-spreadin'." 


November^  igiS- 

MORE  money  and  more  men  is  still  the  cry.  The  war 
is  now  costing  five  millions  a  day,  and  the  new  vote 
of  credit  for  ;^400, 000,000  will  only  carry  us  on  till 
the  middle  of  February.  This  is  "Derby's  Day,"  and  the  new 
Director  of  Recruiting  inspires  confidence  in  his  ability  to 
make  good,  in  spite  of  the  Jeremiads  of  Lord  Courtney  and 
Lord  Loreburn.  The  lot  of  a  Coalition  Government  is  never 
easy,  and  public  opinion  clamours  not  for  Jeremiahs  but  for 
Jonahs  to  lighten  the  Ship  of  State.  Mr.  Winston  Churchill, 
wearying  of  his  sinecure  at  the  Duchy  of  Lancaster,  has  re- 
signed office,  explained  himself  in  a  long  speech,  and  rejoined 
his  regiment  at  the  Western  front.  Lord  Fisher,  whose  doubts 
and  hesitations  about  the  Dardanelles  expedition  were  referred 
to  by  the  late  First  Lord,  has  been  content  to  leave  his  record 
of  sixty-one   years'   service    in    the   hnnds  of   his  countrymen. 

61 


Mr.  PitncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


In  the  briefest  maiden  speech  ever  delivered  in  either  House 
he  stated  that  it  was  "unfitting  to  make  personal  explanations 
affecting  the  national  interest  when  my  country  is  in  the  midst 
of  a  great  war."  Here  at  least  the  traditions  of  the  "Silent 
Service"  have  been  worthily  maintained,  just  as  they  are  main- 
tained bv  the  Port  Officer  R.N.R.  at  an  Oriental  seaport,  a 
thousand  miles  from  the  front,  out  of  the  limelight,  with  no 
chance  of  glorv,  with  fever  from  morn  till  night,  who  "worries 
along  by  the  grace  of  God  and  the  blessing  of  cheap  cheroots." 

In  Flanders  the  rain  has  begun  its  winter  session,  and,  as 
a  militarv  humorist  put  it,  trench  warfare  is  becoming  a  con- 
stant drain.  The  problem  of  parapet  mending  has  been  reduced 
to  arithmetical  form  a  la  Colcnso,  as  follows:  "If  two  inches 
of  rain  per  diem  brings  down  one  quarter  of  a  company's 
parapet,  and  one  company,  working  about  twenty-six  hours 
per  diem,  can  revet  one-eighth  of  a  company's  parapet,  how 
long  will  your  trenches  last — given  the  additional  premisses 
that  no  revetments  to  speak  of  are  to  be  had,  and  that  two 
inches  of  rain  is  only  a  minimum  ration?"  The  infantryman 
finds  the  men  of  the  R.F.C.  interesting  and  stimulating  com- 
panions. "These  airy  fellows  talk  of  war  as  if  it  were  a  day's 
shooting,  and  they  the  cock  pheasants  with  the  best  of  the 
fun  up  aloft.  Upon  my  word,  the  hen  who  hatched  such  birds 
should  be  a  proud,  if  anxious,  mother,"  The  same  corre- 
spondent sends  a  pleasant  account  of  the  mutual  estimates  of 
French  and  English,  prompted  by  their  experiences  as  brothers 
in  arms.  "Our  idea  of  our  Ally  as  a  soldier  is  that  his  elan 
and  gay  courage  are  very  much  more  remarkable  even  than 
supposed;  but  for  the  dull,  heavy  work  of  continued  warfare 
there  is  wanted,  if  we  may  say  so  without  offence,  the  more 
stolid  qualities  of  the  English.  On  the  other  hand,  the  French 
opinion  of  their  Ally  as  a  soldier  is  that  his  dash  and  devil- 
ment are  really  astonishing,  even  to  the  most  expectant  critic; 
but  for  the  sordid,  monotonous  strain  of  this  trench  business  it 
ineeds  (a  thousand  pardons!)  the  duller  persistence  of  the 
French." 

In  Greece  the  quick  change  of  Premiers  proceeds  with 
kaleidoscopic  rapidity.  The  attitude  of  the  successive  Prime 
Ministers   has   been    described   as  (i)   Tender  and  affectionate 

62 


o 


o 

o 

g 

5 
< 

D 

en 

Oh 

K 


63 


Mr,  PuncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


neutrality  toward  the  Entente  Powers;  (2)  Malevolent  impar- 
tiality toward  the  Central  Powers;  (3)  Inert  cupidity  toward 
all  the  belligerent  Powers;  (4)  Genial  inability;  (5)  Strict 
pusillanimity. 

Lord  Milner  has  gone  so  far  in  the  House  of  Lords  ic  to  say 
that   "such   war   news   as   is   published   has   from    first   to   last 


been   seriously   misleadin; 


The   Balkan    intclli^'ence  that   is 


allowed  to  reach  us  does  not  exactly  deserve  this  censure.  To 
call  it  misleaduig  would  be  too  high  praise;  it  seldom  rises 
beyond  a  level  of  blameless  irrelevance.  It  is  hardly  a  burlesque 
of  the  facts  to  say  that  a  cable  from   Amsterdam  informs  us 

that  the  Copenhagen  cor- 
respondent of  the  iic/io  de 
Paris  learns  from  Salo- 
nika, via  Lemnos  and 
Nijni  Novgorod,  that  in 
high  official  circles  in 
Bukarest  it  is  rumoured 
that  in  Constantinople  the 
situation  is  considered 
grave ;  and  then  we  are 
warned  that  too  much 
credence  must  not  be 
given  to  this  report.  The 
number  of  Censors  at  the 
Press  Bureau  being  ex- 
actly forty,  and  their 
minute  knowledge  of 
Lnglish  literature  having 
been  displayed  on  several 
occasions,  it  is  said  that 
Sir  John  Simon  contem- 
plates their  incorporation 
as  an  Academy  of  "Im- 
mortals— for  the  duration 
of  the  War." 

Mr.  Punch's  corre- 
spondent "Blanche" 
sends  distressing   details 


t  4  M    .'■-'t-''^^ 


Paddy  (\v!io  has  had  Wis  periscope  smasKed 
by  a  bullet):  "Sure  there's  seven  years'  bad 
luck  for  the  poor  devil  that  broke  that, 
anyhow.' 

64 


///  Winds  from  the  East 


of  some  of  the  new  complaints  contracted  by  smart  war  workers. 
These  include  munition-wrists,  shell-makers'  crouch,  neuro- 
committee-itis,  and  Zeppelin-eye  through  looking  up  into  the 
sky  too  long  with  a  telescope. 

A  great  deal  depends  on  what  you  look  at  and  what  you 
look  through.  Thus  Mr.  Walter  Long  says  that  when  he  reads 
carping  criticisms  upon  the  conduct  of  the  War  he  looks 
through  his  window  at  the  people  in  the  street  and  is  always 
surprised  to  see  the  quiet  steadfast  manner  in  which  they  are 
going  about  their  business.  It  is  a  good  plan,  but  not  always 
successful.  The  Kaiser  got  his  view  of  the  Irish  people 
through  a  Casement,  and  it  was  entirely  erroneous. 

The  Cologne  Gazette  has  stated  that  "there  is  in  England 
no  real  soldiers'  humour  such  as  we  have."  Certainly  we  have 
nothing  like  it,  though  we  confess  to  preferring  the  home- 
grown brand. 


December,  igi^. 

KUT  and  Ctesiphon,  Ctesiphon  and  Kut.  Thus  may  the 
events  of  the  last  month  in  Mesopotamia,  no  longer  a 
"blessed  word,"  be  expressed  in  a  bald  formula,  which 
takes  no  account  of  the  unavailing  heroism  of  General  Towns- 
hend's  small  but  splendid  force.  Things  have  not  been  going 
well  in  the  East.  The  Allies  have  been  unable  to  save  Serbia, 
Monastir  has  fallen,  and  our  lines  have  been  withdrawn  to 
Salonika.  The  experts  are  now  divided  into  two  camps,  the 
Westerners  and  the  Easterners,  and  the  former,  pointing  to 
the  evacuation  of  Gallipoli,  are  loud  in  their  denunciations  of 
costly  "side-shows,"  and  the  folly  of  strengthening  Germany's 
hold  on  Turkey  by  killing  out  the  Turks,  instead  of  concen- 
trating all  our  forces  on  killing  the  Germans  on  the  Western 
front.  The  time  is  not  yet  come  to  decide  which  is  right.  But 
all  are  agreed  with  the  British  officer  who  described  the 
Australian  soldier  at  Gallipoli  as  "the  bravest  thing  God  ever 
made,"  and  so  prompted  these  lines: 

Bravest,   where  half  a   world   of  men 
Are  brave  beyond   all   earth's  rewards, 
F  6s 


Mr.  Pitriclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


So  stoutly  none  shall  charg-e  again 
Till  the  last  breaking  of  the  swords ; 

Wounded  or  hale,    won   home  from   war, 
Or  yonder  by  the  Lone  Pine  laid ; 

Give   him   his  due  for  evermore — 

"  Tlie  bravest  thing  God  ever  made!  " 

Though  the  wings  of  the  angel  of  Peace  cannot  be  heard, 
peace  kite-flying  has  already  begun  in  Vienna,  but  Germany 
is  anxious  to  represent  it  as  unauthorised  and  improper.  Mr. 
Henry  Ford's  voyage  to  Europe  on  the  Oscar  II.  with  a 
strangely  assorted  group  of  Pacificists  does  more  credit  to  his 
heart  than  his  head,  and  the  conflicting  elements  in  his  party 
have  earned  for  his  ship  the  name  of  "The  Tug  of  Peace."  Any- 
how, England  is  taking  no  risks  on  the  strength  of  these 
frregular  "overtures."  A  vote  has  been  passed  for  a  further 
increase  of  our  "contemptible  little  Army"  to  four  millions; 
and  the  manufacture  of  high  explosive  goes  on  in  an  ever- 
increasing  ratio.  Sir  Douglas  Haig  has  succeeded  Sir  John 
French  as  Commander-in-Chief  of  our  Armies  in  France;  Sir 
.William  Robertson  is  the  new  Chief  of  Staff — Scotsmen  both 
of  the  finest  type — and  the  appointments  are  universally 
approved,  even  by  the  Daily  Mail.  The  temper  of  the  men  in 
France  is  well  hit  off  by  an  officer  when  he  says  that  "Atkins 
is  really  best  when  an  ordinary  mortal  might  be  contemplating 
suicide  or  desertion."  And  officers  arriving  on  leave  at  Victoria 
at  2  A.M.  are  driven  to  the  conclusion  that  they  are  sent  back 
to  England  from  time  to  time  to  check  their  optimism,  whicli 
at  the  front  survives  even  being  sent  to  so-called  rest  camps 
in  the  middle  of  a  malodorous  marsh  for  nine  hours'  military 
training  per  diem.  The  "philosophy  of  Thomas  "  is  inscrutable, 
but  no  doubt  he  derives  satisfaction  from  comparisons': 

If  we're  standin'   in   two  foot  o'   water,   you   see 
Quite  likely   the   Roches  are   standin'   in   three ; 
An'  though  the  keen  frost  may  be  ticklin'  our  toes, 
'Oo  doubts  that  the  Boches'  'ole  bodies  is  froze? 

So   'ere's   our  philosophy,    simple   an'    plain  : 
Wotever  we   'ates   in  the  bloomin'   campaign, 
'Tis  balm   to  our  souls,   as   we  grumble   an'   cuss, 
To  feel  that  the  Boches  are   'atin'   it  wuss. 
66 


AN  UNAUTHORISED  FLIRTATION 

The  Kaiser  (to  Austrian  Emperor):    "Franz!    Franz  i    I'm   sur- 
prised and  pained." 


^7 


Mr.  PtmcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Hardest  of  all  is  the  lot  of  the  trooper  in  the  trenches,  who 
"thinks  all  day  and  dreams  all  night  of  a  slap-bang,  tally-ho  I 
open  fight,"  but  for  the  time  being  "like  a  blinded  mole  toils 
in  a  furrow  and  lives  in  a  hole." 

The  National  Thrift  campaign  is  carried  on  with  great 
earnestness  in  Parliament.  Luxury,  waste,  unnecessary 
banquets,  high  legal  salaries  have  all  come  under  the  lash  of 


Tommy   (finding  a  German    prisoner  who   speaks    English):    "Look    what   you 
done  lo  me,  you   blighlers!    'Ere — 'ave  a  cigarette?" 


the  economy  hunters.  Of  the  maxim  that  "Charity  begins  at 
home,"  they  have,  however,  so  far  shown  no  appreciation 
beyond  abstaining  from  voting  any  addition  to  their  salary  of 
;^400  a  year.  Mr.  Asquith's  announcement  that  he  takes  his 
salary,  and  is  going  to  continue  taking  it,  has  naturally  lifted 
a  great  weight  from  the  minds  of  these  vicarious  champions 
of  economy. 

Evidence  of  the  chastened  condition  of  the  enemy  is  to  be 
found  in  the  statement  on  the  official  notepaper  of  Wolff's 
Telegraphic  Bureau  "that  it  assumes  no  responsibility  of  any 
kind   for  the  accuracy  of  the  news  which   it  circulates."     But 

68 


Tommy  and  the  Poiht 


lliere  is  no  confirmation  of  the  report  that  its  dispatches  will 
in  future  be  known  as  "Lamb's  Tales."  The  German  Imperial 
Chancellor  has  replied  to  an  appeal  from  a  deputation  of  German 
Roman  Catholics  on  behalf  of  the  Armenians  that  "The  German 
Government,  in  friendly  communication  with  the  Turkish 
Government,  has  been  at  constant  pains  to  better  the  situation 
of  Turkey's  Christian  subjects."  Thanks  to  this  friendly  in- 
tervention, more  than  half  a  million  Armenians  w'ill  never  suffer 
again  from  Turkish  misrule. 

Mr.  Roosevelt  has  added  to  the  picturesqueness  of  political 
invective  by  describing  Mr.  Wilson's  last  Presidential  message 
as  "worthy  of  a  Byzantine  logothete."  It  is  not  often  that 
one  finds  a  rough-rider  and  ex-cow^boy  who  is  able  to  tackle 
a  don  in  his  own  lingo.  But  Tommy  at  the  front  manages  to 
converse  with  the  ^oilu  without  any  vocabulary  at  all : 

I  met  a  chap  the  other  day  a-roostin'  in  a  trench, 

'E  didn't  know  a  word  of  ours  nor  me  a  word  of  French, 

An'   'ow  it  was  we  managed — well,   I  cannot  understand, 

But  I  never  used  the  phrase-book,  though  I  'ad  it  in  my  hand. 

I  winked  at  'im  to  start  with;  'e  grinned  from  ear  to  ear; 

An'  'e  says  "Tipperary,"  an'  I  says  **  Sooveneer  " ; 

'E  'ad  my  only  Woodbine,  I   'ad  'is  thin  cigar. 

Which  set  the  ball  a-rollin',   an'  so — well,  there  you  are  ! 

I  showed  'im  next  my  wife  an'  kids,   'e  up  an'  showed  me  'is. 
Them  funny  little  Frenchy  kids  with  'air  all  in  a  frizz; 
"  Annette,"  'e  says,  "  Louise,"  'e  says,  an'  'is  tears  began  to  fall; 
We  was  comrades  when  we  parted,  but  we'd  'ardly  spoke  at  all. 


January,  igi6. 

THE  New  Year  brings  us  a  mixed  bag  of  tricks,  good  and 
bad.     Our  armies  grow   in   numbers  and   efficiency,    in 
men    and    munitions.      The    new    Commander-in-Chief 
on    the   Western    front,   and   his    new   Chief   of   Staff,   inspire 
confidence     in     all     ranks,     combatant    and     non-combatant. 
John  Ward,  the  Labour  Member,  hitherto  a  strong  opponent 

69 


Mr,  Pimc/is  History  of  the  Great  War 


of  conscription,  and  now  a  full-blown  Colonel,  has  hurried 
over  from  the  front  to  defend  the  Compulsory  Service  Bill 
in  a  manly  and  animated  speech,  and  the  Bill,  despite  the 
"Pringling"  and  pacificism  of  a  small  but  local  minority,  has 
passed  through  Committee. 

Against  these  encouraging  omens  we  have  to  set  the  com- 
plete evacuation  of  Gallipoli,  the  scene  of  unparalleled  heroism 
and  unavailing  sacrifice,  the  fall  of  Monastir,  the  overrunning 
of  Serbia,  labour  troubles  on  the  Clyde,  and  the  ignominious 
exemption  of  Ireland  from  the  Military  Service  Bill.  General 
Townshend,  rebus  angustis  animosus — "in  a  tight  place  but 
full  of  beans  " — is  besieged  in  Kut,  and  the  relieving  forces 
have  not  been  able  to  dislodge  the  Turks.  Climate  and  weather 
and  terrain  are  all  against  us. 

Humanitarian  Pacificists  are  much  impressed  by  Germany's 
piteous  lamentations  over  the  brutality  of  the  blockade.  In  these 
appeals  to  America  optimists  detect  signs  of  cracking.  Cooler 
observers  explain  them  as  evidence  of  her  policy  of  shamming 
dead. 

English  mothers  who  have  lost  their  only  sons  cannot  be 
expected  to  show  sympathy  for  an  Emperor  who  combines  the 
professions  of  a  Jekyll  with  the  ferocity  of  a  Hyde.  Yet  few 
of  them  would  rewrite  the  record  of  these  short  lives;  their 
pride  is  greater  than  their  pain. 

While  the  daily  toll  of  life  is  heavy,  War,  shorn  of  its 
pomp  and  pageantry,  drags  wearily  in  the  trenches.  The 
Lovelace  of  to-day  is  a  troglodyte,  biding  his  time  patiently, 
but  often  a  prey  to  ennui.  This  is  how  he  writes  to  Lucasta 
to  correct  the  portrait  painted  by  her  fancy  : 

Above,  the  sky  is  very  grey,  the  world  is  very  damp. 
His  light  the  sun  denies  by  day,  the  moon  by  night  her  lamp ; 
Across  the  landscape,   soaked  and  sad,  the  dull  guns  answer  back, 
And  through  the  twilight's  futile  hush  spasmodic  rifles  crack. 

The  papers  haven't  come  to-day  to  show  how  England  feels; 
The  hours  go  lame  and  languidly  between  our  Spartan  meals; 
We've  written  letters  till  we're  tired,  with  not  a  thing  to  tell 
Except  that  nothing's  doing,   weather  beastly,   writer  well. 

70 


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Mr.  PuncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 

So  when  you  feci  for  us  out  here — as  well  I  know  you  will — 
Then  sympathise  with  thousands  for  their  country  sitting-  still ; 
Don't  picture  battle-pieces  by  the  lurid   Tress  adored, 
But  miles  and  miles  of  Britishers,  in  burrows,  badly  bored. 

Small  wonder  that  Lovelace  in  the  trenches  envies  the 
Flying  Man  : 

He  rides   aloof  on   god-like  wings, 
Taking-  no  thought  of  wire  or  mud, 

Saps,    smells,    or  bugs — the   mundane  things 
That  sour  our  lives  and  have  our  blood. 

The   roads  we  trudged  with  feet  of  lead. 

The  shadows  of  his  pinions   skim ; 
The  river  where  we  piled  our  dead 

Is  but  a  silver  thread  to  him. 

Lovelace  in  the  air  might  tell  another  story;  but  both  are 
at  one  with  their  prototype  in  the  spirit  which  made  him  say  : 
"  I  could  not  love  thee,  dear,  so  much,  loved  I  not  honour 
more,"  though  neither  of  them  would  say  it. 

In  this  context  one  may  add  that  the  Flying  Men  are  not 
alone  in  exciting  envy.  Bread  is  the  staff  of  life,  and  in  the 
view  of  certain  officers  in  the  trenches  the  life  of  the  Staff  is 
one  long  loaf. 

The  discussion  on  the  withdrawal  of  Members'  salaries  has 
died  down.  The  incident  is  now  buried,  and  here  is  its 
epitaph  : 

Some  three-score  years  or  so  ago  six  hundred  gallant  men 

Made  a  charge  that  cost  old  England  dear;  they  lost  four  hundred 

then  : 
To-day  six  hundred  make  a  charge  that  costs  the  country  dear, 
But  now  they  take  four  hundred  each — four  hundred  pounds  a  year. 

Our  journalists  have  been  visiting  the  Fleet,  and  one  of 
them,  in  a  burst  of  candour  tempered  with  caution,  declares  that 
"one  would  like  to  describe  much  more  than  one  has  seen,  but 
that  is  impossible."  Some  other  correspondents  have  found 
no  such  difficulty.    But  for  admirable  candour  commend  us  to 

72 


Tommy  the  Diplomatist 


tlie  Daily  Mail  of  December  24,  where  we  read,  "  The  Daily  Mail 
will  not  be  pubUshed  to-morrow,  and  for  that  reason  we  seize 
the  occasion  to-day  of  bidding  our  readers  a  Merry  Christmas" 
— and  a   very   good 


reason  too.  Mr. 
Punch  is  glad  to  re- 
print a  ten-year-old 
girl's  essay  on  "Pat- 
riotism "  :  "Patriot- 
ism is  composed  of 
patriots,  and  they 
are  people  who  live 
in  Ireland  and  want 
Mr.  Redmond  or 
other  people  to  be 
King  of  Ireland. 
They  are  very  brave, 
some  of  them,  and 
are  so  called  after  St. 

Patrick,  who  is  Ire- 
land's private  saint. 

The     patriots     who 

are   brave   make 

splendid       soldiers. 

The     patriots     who 

are  not  brave  go  to 

America."  And  here 

is  a   topical   extract 

from  a  letter  written 

to  a  loved  one  from 

the  Front : 

"I  received  your  dear  little  note  in  a  sandbag.     You  say 

that  you  hope  the  sandbag  stops  a  bullet.     Well,  to  tell  the 

truth,   I  hope  it  don't,  as  1  have  been  patching  my  trousers 

with  it." 

Tommy    is    adding    to    his    other    great    qualities    that    of 

diplomacy,  to  judge  from  the  incident  illustrated  above. 


Tommy  (dictating    letter   to    be   sent    to  his  wife)  : 
"TKe  nurses  here  are  a  very  plain  lot — 

Nurse  :    "Oh,  come!     I  say!     That's    not    very 

polite  to  us." 

Tommy:    "  Never  mind.  Nurse,  put  it  down.     It'll 

please  her !  " 


73 


Mr,  Ptmclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


February y  igi6. 

THE  Epic  of  the  Dardanelles  is  closed;  that  of  Verdun 
has  begun,  and  all  eyes  are  focused  on  the  tremendous 
struggle  for  the  famous  fortress.  The  Crown  Prince  has 
still  his  laurels  to  win,  and  it  is  clear  that  no  sacrifice  of  German 
"cannon  fodder"  will  be  too  great  to  deter  him  from  pushing 
the  stroke  home.  Fort  Douaumont  has  fallen,  and  the  hill  of 
the  Mort  Homme  has  already  terribly  justified  its  cadaverous 
name.  The  War-lords  of  Germany  are  sorely  in  need  of  a 
spectacular  success  even  though  they  purchase  it  at  a  great 
price,  for  they  are  very  far  from  having  everything  their  own 
way.  Another  Colony  has  gone  the  way  of  Tsing-tau,  New 
Guinea  and  South-West  Africa.  The  German  Kamerun  has 
cried  "Kamerad!"  General  Smuts,  like  Botha,  "Boer  and 
Briton  too,"  has  gone  off  to  take  command  in  East  Africa,  and 
in  the  Caucasus  Erzerum  has  fallen  to  the  Russians.  The 
Kaiser  is  reported  to  be  bitterly  disappointed  with  Allah. 

Sir  Edward  Grey  is  not  altogether  satisfied  with  the  conduct 
of  the  Neutral  Powers.  He  has  no  desire  to  make  things  as 
irksome  to  them  as  some  of  his  critics  desire.  But  he  has 
pointed  out  that  in  the  matter  of  preventing  supplies  from 
reaching  the  enemy  by  circuitous  routes  Great  Britain  has  her 
own  work  to  do,  and  means  to  do  it  thoroughly. 

The  miraculous  forbearance  of  President  Wilson,  in  face 
of  the  activities  of  Count  Bernstorff,  is  even  more  trying  to  a 
good  many  of  his  countrymen  than  it  is  to  the  belligerent 
Briton.  Mr.  Roosevelt,  for  instance,  derives  no  satisfaction 
from  being  the  fellow-countryman  of  a  man  who  can  "knock 
spots"  oft"  Job  for  patience.  The  New  York  Life  has  long 
criticised  the  President  with  a  freedom  far  eclipsing  anything 
in  the  British  Press.  It  has  now  crowned  its  "interventionist" 
campaign  by  a  "John  Bull  number,"  the  most  generous  and 
graceful  tribute  ever  paid  to  England  by  the  American  Press. 

The  Military  Service  Bill  has  passed  through  both  Houses, 
and  may  be  trusted  to  hasten  still  further  the  amazing  growth 
of  our  once  "contemptible  little"  Army.  The  pleasantest 
incident  during  the  month  at  Westminster  has  been  the  tribute 
paid  to  the  gallantry  and  self-sacrifice  of  the  officers  and  men 

74 


THE  CHALLENGE 

•'  Halt  1  Who  comes  there?  "     *'  Neutral."     "  Prove  it !  " 

"What  I  would  say  to  Neutrals  is  this:  Do  they  admit  our  right  to  apply  the 
principles  which  were  applied  by  the  American  Government  in  the  war  between  North 
and  South— to  apply  those  principles  to  modern  conditions  and  to  do  our  best  to  prevent 
trade  with  the  enemy  through  neutral  countries  ?  If  the  answer  is  that  we  are  not  entitled  to 
do  that  then  I  must  say  definitely  it  is  a  departure  from  neutrality."— biR  Ldward  Grey 


75 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Grannie   (dragged  out  of    bed   at   1.30  a.m.,  and    being    hurriedly    dressed   as 
the   bombs  begin  to   fall):    "Nancy,  these  stockings  are  not  a  pair." 

of  our  mercantile  marine.  The  least  satisfactor}'  aspect  of 
Parliamentary  activity  has  Been  the  ventilation  of  silly  rumours 
at  Question  time,  in  which  Mr.  Ginnell  has  been  so  well  to  the 
fore  as  to  suggest  some  subtle  connection  between  cattle-driving 
and  hunting  for  mares'  nests. 

Steps  have  already  been  taken  to  restrict  the  imports  of 
luxuries,  and  Ministers  are  believed  to  be  unanimous  in 
regarding  "ginger"  as  an  article  whose  importation  might  be 
profitably  curtailed.  It  has  been  calculated  that  the  annual 
expenses  saved  by  the  closing  of  the  London  Museums  and 
Galleries  amount  to  about  one-fifth  of  the  public  money  spent 
on  the  salaries  of  Members  of  Parliament.     In  other  words: 

Let  Art  and  Science  die. 

But  give  us  still  our  old  Loquacity. 

Intellectual  retrenchment,  of  course,  is  desirable, 

But  let  us  still  keep  open  one  collection 
Of  curiosities  and  quaint  antiques, 
76 


Sir  Percy  Scott's  Dual  Life 


Under   immediate    Cabinet    direction — 

The  finest  specimens  of  talking  freaks, 
Who  constitute  our  most  superb  museum, 
Judged  by  the  salaries  with  which  we  fee  'em. 

Lord  Sumner,  however,  seems  to  have  no  illusions  on  this 
score.  He  is  reported  to  have  said  that  "if  the  House  of  Lords 
and  the  House  of  Commons  could  be  taken  and  thrown  into 
a  volcano  every  day  the  loss  represented  would  be  less  than  the 
daily  loss  of  the  campaign."  It  sounds  a  drastic  remedy,  but 
might  be  worth  trying. 

Field-Marshal  Lord  French  has  taken  over  the  responsibility 
for  home  defence  against  enemy  aircraft,  with  Sir  Percy  Scott 
as  his  expert  adviser.  But  the  status  of  Sir  Percy,  who,  as 
officially  announced,  "has  not  quite  left  the  Admiralty  and  has 
not  quite  joined  the  War  Office,"  seems  to  suggest  "a  kind  of 
giddy  harumfrodite — soldier  an'  sailor  too." 

The  War  fosters  the  study  of  natural  and  unnatural  history. 


First  Lady  :    "  That's  one  of   them  Australian  soldiers.  " 

Second  Lady  :    "  How  do  you  know  P  " 

First  Lady:    "Why,  can't  you  see  the  Kangaroo   feathers  in  his  hat? 

77 


Mr,  PimcHs  History  of  the  Great  War 


Many  early  nestin<^s  are  recorded  as  the  result  of  mild  weather, 
and  at  least  one  occasional  visitor  {Polonius  bombifcr)  has  laid 
eggs  in  various  parts  of  the  country. 


March,  igi6. 

THE  month  of  the  War  god  has  again  justified  its  name 
and  its  traditions.  Both  entry  and  exit  have  been  leonine. 
The  new  submarine  "  frightful ness "  began  on  the  ist, 
and  the  battle  round  Verdun,  in  which  the  fate  of  Paris,  to  say 
the  least,  is  involved,  has  raged  with  unabated  fury  throughout 
the  entire  month. 

Germany's  junior  partners,  Turkey  and  Bulgaria,  are  for 
the  moment  more  concerned  with  bleeding  Germany  than  with 
shedding  their  blood  for  her;  Enver  Pasha  is  reported  to  have 
gone  to  pay  a  visit  to  the  tomb  of  the  Prophet  at  Medina ; 
Portugal,  our  oldest  ally,  is  now  officially  at  war  with  Germany, 
and  the  dogs  of  frightfulness  are  already  toasting  "  der  Tagus." 

On  our  share  of  the  Western  front  there  is  still  what  is 
nominally  described  as  a  "lull."  But,  as  a  young  officer  writes, 
"you  must  not  imagine  that  life  here  is  all  honey.  Even  here 
we  do  a  bit  for  our  cight-and-sixpence."  Once  upon  a  time 
billets  were  billets.  They  now  very  often  admit  of  being  shelled 
with  equal  exactitude  from  due  in  front  and  due  in  rear,  and 
water  is  laid  on  throughout.  "It  is  a  fact  well  known  to  all  our 
most  widely  circulated  photographic  dailies  that  the  German 
gunners  waste  a  power  of  ammunition.  The  only  criticism  I 
have  to  make  is  that  I  wish  they  would  waste  it  more  carefully. 
The  way  they  go  strewing  the  stuff  about  around  us  is  such  that 
they're  bound  to  hit  someone  or  something  before  long.  Still, 
we  have  only  two  more  days  in  these  trenches,  and  they  seldom 
give  us  more  than  ten  thousand  shells  a  day," 

Letters  from  second-lieutenants  seldom  go  beyond  a  gentle 
reminder  that  their  life  is  not  an  Elysium.  They  offer  a  strange 
contrast  to  the  activities  of  Parliamentary  grousers  and  scape- 
goat hunters.  If  the  Germans  were  in  occupation  of  the  Black 
Country,  if  Oxford  were  being  daily  shelled  as  Rheims  is,  and 
if  with  a  favouring  breeze  London  could  hear  the  dull  rumble 

78 


TO  THE  GLORY  OF   FRANCE 

Verdun,  February — March,  1916 


79 


Mr.  Piinclis  Histoi'V  of  ilic  Great  War 


of  the  bombardment  as  Paris  can,  one  wonders  if  Members 
would  still  be  encumberinfj  the  Order-paper  with  the  vexatious 
trivialities  that  now  find  place  there,  or  emitting  what  a 
patriotic  Labour  Member  picturesquely  described  as  "the 
croakings  and  bleatings  of  the  fatted  lambs  who  have  be- 
smirched their  country."  Vcr  contra  we  welcome  the  optimism 
of  Mr.  Asquith  in  discussing  new  Votes  of  Credit,  though 
he  reminds  us  of  Micawber  calculating  his  indebtedness  for 
the  benefit  of  Traddles.  It  will  be  remembered  that  when  the 
famous  I  O  U  had  been  handed  over,  Copperfield  remarked, 
"I  am  persuaded  not  only  that  this  was  quite  the  same  to  Mr. 
Micawber  as  paying  the  money,  but  that  Traddles  himself 
hardly  knew  the  difference  until  he  had  had  time  to  think  about 
it."  Then  we  have  had  the  surprising  but  welcome  experience 
of  Mr.  Tim  Healy  championing  the  Government  against  Sir  John 
Simon's  attack  on  the  Military  Service  Bill ;  and  have  listened 
to  Lord  Montagu  of  Beaulieu's  urgent  plea  in  the  Lords  for 
unity  of  air  control,  a  proposal  which  Lord  Haldane  declared 
could  not  be  adopted  without  some  "violent  thinking."  Most 
remarkable  of  all  has  been  Mr.  Churchill's  intervention  in  the 
debate  on  the  Naval  Estimates,  his  gloomy  review  of  the 
situation— ]\Ir.  Churchill  is  always  a  pessimist  when  out  of 
office— and  the  marvellous  magnanimity  of  his  suggestion  that 
Lord  Fisher  should  be  reinstated  at  the  Admiralty,  on  the 
ground  that  his  former  antagonist  was  the  only  possible  First 
Sea  Lord.  Mr.  Balfour  dealt  so  faithfully  with  these  criticisms 
and  suggestions  that  there  seems  to  be  no  truth  in  the  report  that 
Mr.  Churchill  has  been  asked  to  join  the  Government  as  Minister 
of  Admonitions.  A  new  and  coruscating  star  has  swum  into  our 
Parliamentary  ken  in  the  shape  of  the  Member  for  Mid-Herts, 
and  astronomers  have  labelled  it  "  Pegasus  tt /3."  When  the 
House  of  Commons  j)assed  the  Bill  prohibiting  duels  it  ought  to 
have  made  an  exception  in  favour  of  its  own  Members.  Nothing 
would  have  done  more  to  raise  the  tone  of  debate,  for  offenders 
against  decorum  would  gradually  have  eliminated  one  another. 
Yet  Parliament  has  its  merits,  not  the  least  of  them  b^ing  the 
scope  it  still  affords  for  hereditary  talent.  Lord  Derby,  at  the 
moment  the  most  prominent  man  on  the  Home  Front  after 
the  Premier,  is  the  grandson  of  the  "Rupert  of  Debate,"  and  the 

80 


He's  kicked  the  Corporal !  " 


He's  kicked  the  Vet.!!" 


He's  kicked  the  Transport  Officer!!!" 


MULE   HUMOUR 
8i 


Mr.  PmiicJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


new  Minister  of  Blockade  enters  on  his  duties  close  on  fifty 
years  after  another  Lord  Robert  Cecil  entered  the  Cabinet  of 
Lord  Derby.  So  history  repeats  itself  with  a  difference.  In 
spite  of  the  Coalition,  or  perhaps  because  of  it,  the  old  strife  of 
Whigs  and  Tories  has  revived,  though  the  lines  of  cleavage  are 
quite  different  from  what  they  were.  Thus  the  new  Tories  are 
the  men  wlio  hplieve  that  the  War  is  going  to  be  decided  by 
battles  in  Flanders  and  the  North  Sea,  and  would  sacrifice 
everything  for  victory,  even  the  privilege  of  abusing  the 
Government.  The  new  Whigs  are  the  men  who  consider  that 
the  House  of  Commons  is  the  decisive  arena,  and  that  even  the 
defeat  of  the  Germans  would  be  dearly  purchased  at  the  cost  of 
the  individual's  right  to  say  and  do  what  he  pleased. 

After  the  exhibition  of  Mr.  Augustus  John's  portrait  of  Mr. 
Lloyd  George,  the  most  startling  personal  event  of  the  month 
has  been  the  dismissal  of  Grand  Admiral  Tirpitz.  According 
to  one  account,    he   resigned   because   he   could   not    take   the 


The  Vicar  :  "  These  Salonikans,  Mrs.  Stubbs,  are.  of  course,  tlie  Thessalonians 
to  whom  St.  Paul  wrote  his  celebrated  letters." 

Mrs.  Stobbs  :  "  Well,  I  'ope  'e'd  better  luck  with  'is  than  1  'ave.  1  sent 
my  boy  out  there  three  letters  and  two  parcels,  and  I  ain't  Rol  no  answer  to  'em 
yet." 

82 


Sinn  Fein  enters  the   War 


German  Fleet  out.     According  to  another,  it  was  because  he 
could  no  longer  take  the  German  people  in. 

At  Oxford  the  Hebdomadal  Council  have  suspended  the 
filling  of  the  Professorship  of  Modern  Greek  for  six  months. 
Apparently  there  is  no  one  about  just  now  who  understands 
the  modern  Greek.  A  French  correspondent  puts  it  somewhat 
differently:  ''La  Grece  Antique:  Hellas.  La  Grece  Moderne: 
Helas !  " 


April,  igi6. 

WHO  would  have  thought  when  the  month  opened  that 
at  its  close  a  new  front  within  the  Four  Seas  would 
be  added  to  our  far-flung  line,  Dublin's  finest  street 
half  ruined,  Ireland  placed  under  martial  law?  Certainly  not 
Mr.  Birrell  or  Mr.  Redmond  or  the  Irish  Nationalist  Members. 
The  staunchest  Unionist  would  acquit  Mr.  William  O'Brien 
of  any  menace  when  in  the  Budget  Debate,  three  weeks  before 
the  Rebellion  of  Easter  Week,  he  gave  it  as  his  opinion  that 
Ireland  ought  to  be  omitted  from  the  Budget  altogether.  So, 
too,  with  Mr.  Tim  Healy,  whose  principal  complaint  was  that 
the  tax  on  railway  tickets  would  put  a  premium  on  foreign 
travel;  that  people  would  go  to  Paris  instead  of  Dublin,  and 
Switzerland  instead  of  Killarney.  No,  so  far  as  the  Govern- 
ment and  Ireland's  Parliamentary  representatives  went,  it  was  a 
bolt  from  the  blue— or  the  green.  Mr.  Birrell,  Chief  Secretary 
for  Ireland  for  nine  years,  a  longer  period  than  any  of  his 
predecessors,  has  shown  himself  conspicuous  at  once  by  his 
absence  and  his  innocence,  and  England  in  her  hour  of  need, 
with  the  submarine  peril  daily  growing  and  Kut  starved  out 
after  a  heroic  defence,  stands  to  pay  dearly  for  the  privilege 
of  entrusting  the  administration  of  Ireland  to  an  absentee 
humorist. 

On  the  Western  front  Verdun  still  rivets  all  eyes.  The 
German  hordes  are  closing  in  on  the  fortress,  but  at  a  heavier 
cost  for  each  mile  gained  than  they  have  ever  paid  before. 

Germany's  colossal  effort  would  inspire  admiration  as  well 
as  respect  if  she  would  only  fight  clean.  The  ugly  stories  of 
her  treatment  of  prisoners  have  now  culminated  in  the  terrible 

83 


Mr.  PitncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


THE  REPUDIATION 

Martin  Ldther  (to  Shakespeare):  "  I  see  my  country- 
men claim  you  as  one  of  them.  You  may  thank  God  that 
you're  not  that.  They  have  made  my  Wittenberg — ay,  and 
all  Germany — to  stink  in  my  nostrils." 

record  of  the  typhus-stricken  camp  at  Wittenberg,  where  the 
German  doctors  deserted  their  post. 

The  report  of  Mr.  Justice  Younger's  Committee,  in  which 
the  tale  of  this  atrocity  is  fully  told,  is  being  circulated  in  neutral 
countries,  and  Mr.  Will  Thorne  has  suggested  that  it  should 
also  be  sent  to  our  conscientious  objectors.  It  is  well  to 
administer  some  sort  of  corrective  to  the  information  diffused 
by  the  neutral  newsmonger  : 

Who  cheers  us  when  we're  in  the  blues, 
With  reassurlngf  German  news, 
Of  starving'  Berliners  in  queues? 
The  Neutral. 

84 


THE  GRAPES  OF  VERDUN 

The  Old  Fox  :  "  You  don't  seem  to  be  getting  much  nearer 
them  ?  " 

The  Cub:  "No,  Father.  Hadn't  we  better  give  it  out  that 
they're  sour  ?  " 


85 


Mr.  PmiicHs  Htstojy  of  the  Gi^eat  War 


And  then,  soon  after,  tells  us  they 
Are  feeding  nicely   all   the  day, 
And  in  the  old  familiar  way? 
The  Neutral. 

Who  sees  the  Kaiser  in  Berlin, 
Dejected,    haggard,    old    as    sin, 
And  shaking  in  his  hoary  skin? 
The  Neutral. 

Then  says  he's  quite  a  Sunny  Jiin, 
That  buoyant  health  and  youthful  vim 
Are  sticking  out  all  over  him? 
The  Neutral. 

Who  tells  us  tales  of  Krupp's  new  guns, 
Much  larger  than  the  other  ones, 
And  endless  trains  chock-full  of  Huns? 
The  Neutral. 

And   then,  when  our  last  hope  has  fled. 
Declares  the  Huns  are  either  dead 
Or   hopelessly   dispirited? 
The  Neutral. 

In  short,  who  seems  to  be  a  blend 
Of  Balaam's  Ass,  the  bore's  godsend, 
And  Mrs.    Gamp's  elusive  friend? 
The  Neutral. 

In  Parliament  we  have  had  the  biggest  Budget  ever  known 
introduced  in  the  shortest  Budget  speech  of  the  last  half-century, 
at  any  rate.  Mr.  Pemberton  Billing  is  doing  his  best  every 
Tuesday  to  bring  the  atmosphere  of  the  aerodrome  into  the 
House.  Mr.  Tennant  has  promised  his  sympathetic  considera- 
tion to  Mr.  Billing's  offer  personally  to  organise  raids  on  tlie 
enemy's  aircraft  bases, and  the  House  is  bearing  up  as  well  as  can 
be  expected  under  the  shadow  of  this  impending  bereavement. 
Mr.  Swift  MacNeill  is  busy  with  his  patriotic  effort  to  purge  the 
roll  of  the  Lords  of  the  peerages  now  held  by  enemy  dukes.  For 
the  rest,  up  to  Easter  Week,  the  Parliamentary  situation  has 
been  described  as  "a  cabal  every  afternoon  and  a  crisis  every 
second  day." 

86 


Hospital  Humours 


It  is  one  of  the  strange  outcomes  of  this  wonderful  time  that 
there  is  more  gaiety  as  well  as  more  suffering  in  hospitals  during 
the  War  than  in  peace.     Certainly  such  a  request  would  never 
have     been     heard 
in  normal  years  as 
that   recently  made 
by    a    nurse    to    a 
roomful  of  irrepres- 
sible Tommies  at  a 
private      hospital  : 

"  A  message  has 
just  come  in  to  ask 
if  the  hospital  will 
make  a  little  less 
noise  as  the  lady 
next  door  has  a 
touch  of  h  e  a  d  - 
ache." 

For  shouting 
"The  Zepps  are 
coming!"  a 
Grimsby  girl  has 
been  fined  £\.  It 
was  urged  in  de- 
fence that  the  girl 
suffered  from  hal- 
lucinations, one  be- 
ing that  she  was  a  Visitor  (at  Private  Hospital); 
daily      newspaper      tenant  Barker,  please  ?  " 

orODrietor.  But  Matron:     "We   do    not   allow   ordinary    visiting. 

,  „  -.  May    I    ask   if    you    are    a   relative?" 

the  recent  Zeppelm  ,.  .. 

^^  Visitor  (boldly):    "Oh.  yes!    Im  his  sister, 

raids        have        not  matron:  "Dear  me!   I'm  very  glad  to  meet  you 

been   without  their    /„,  /,/s  moiherr 

advantages.      In    a 

spirit  of  emulation  an  ambitious  hen  at  Acton  has  laid  an  tg^ 

weighing  5^  oz. 


^7 


Mr.  Ptmclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


May,  igi6, 

VERDUN  still  holds  out :  that  is  the  best  news  of  the 
month.  The  French  with  inexorable  logic  continue  to 
exact  the  highest  price  for  the  smallest  gain  of  ground.  If 
the  Germans  are  ready  to  give  100,000  men  for  a  hill  or  part 
of  a  hill  they  may  have  it.  If  they  will  give  a  million  men  they 
may  perhaps  have  Verdun  itself.  But  so  far  their  Pyrrhic 
victories  have  stopped  short  of  this  limit,  and  Verdun,  like 
Ypres,  battered,  ruined  and  evacuated  by  civilians,  remains  a 
symbol  of  Allied  tenacity  and  the  will  to  resist. 

The  months  in  war-time  sometimes  belie  their  traditions,  but 
it  is  fitting  that  in  May  we  should  have  enlisted  a  new  Ally — 
the  Sun.  The  Daylight  Saving  Bill  became  Law  on  May  17. 
Here  is  a  true  economy,  and  our  only  regret  is  that  Mr.  Willett, 
the  chief  promoter  of  a  scheme  complacently  discussed  during 
his  lifetime  as  ingenious  but  impracticable,  should  not  have 
lived  to  witness  its  swift  and  unmurmuring  acceptance  under 
stress  of  war. 

The  official  communiques  from  the  Irish  Front  in  the  earlier 
stages  of  the  Dublin  rebellion  did  not  long  maintain  their  roseate 
complexion.  Even  before  the  end  of  April  a  Secret  Session — 
the  second  in  a  week — was  held  to  discuss  the  Irish  situation. 
By  a  strange  coincidence  this  Secret  Session  immediately 
followed  the  grant  by  the  Commons  of  a  Return  relating  to  Irish 
Lunacy  accounts.  From  the  meagre  official  summary  we  gather 
that  the  absence  of  reporters  has  at  least  the  negative  advantage 
of  shortening  speeches.  In  a  very  few  days,  however,  the 
Prime  Minister  discarded  reticence,  admitting  the  gravity  of 
the  situation,  the  prevalence  of  street  fighting,  the  spread  of 
the  insurrection  in  the  West,  the  appointment  of  Sir  John 
Maxwell  to  the  supreme  command,  and  the  placing  of  the  Irish 
Government  under  his  orders.  The  inevitable  sequel — the 
execution  of  the  responsible  insurrectionist  leaders — has  led  to 
vehement  protests  from  Messrs.  Dillon  and  O'Brien  against 
militarist  brutality.  The  House  of  Commons  is  a  strange  place. 
When  Mr.  Birrell  rose  on  May  3  to  give  an  account  of  his  nine 
years'  stewardship,  the  Unionists,  and  not  the  Unionists  alone, 
were   thinking  of  a   lamp-post   in   Whitehall.      When   he  had 

88 


89 


Mr.  P^mcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


concluded  his  pathetic  apolog^ia  and  confessed  his  failure  to 
estimate  accurately  the  strength  of  Sinn  Fein,  members  were 
almost  ready  to  fall  on  his  neck,  but  they  no  longer  wanted 
his  head.  Even  Sir  Edward  Carson  admitted  that  Mr.  Birrell 
had  been  well  intentioned  and  had  done  his  best.  By  the  middle 
of  the  month  Mr.  Asquith  had  gone  to  Ireland,  in  the  hope  of 


WANTED— A   ST.    PATRICK 

St.    Augustine    Birrell:    **  I'm    afraid    I'm    not    so  smart    as    my    brother- 
saint  at   dealing  with  this  kind  of  thing.     I'm  apt  to   take  reptiles  too  lightly." 

discovering  some  arrangement  for  the  future  which  would 
commend  itself  to  all  parties.  By  the  25th  he  was  back  in  his 
place  after  nine  days  in  Dublin.  But  he  had  no  panacea  of 
his  own  to  prescribe ;  no  cut-and-dried  plan  for  the  regeneration 
of  Ireland.  All  he  could  say  was  that  Mr.  Lloyd  George  had 
been  deputed  by  the  Cabinet  to  confer  with  the  various  Irish 
leaders,  and  the  choice  is  generally  approved.  If  anyone  knows 
how  to  handle  high  explosives  without  causing  a  premature 
concussion  it  should  be  the  Minister  of  Munitions. 

Ireland  has  dominated  the  political  scene  at  home,  for  it  is 
impossible   not   to  connect   our   new   commitments   across   St. 

90 


Mothers  and  Sons 


George's  Channel  with  the  introduction  and  passing  of  the  new 
Military  Service  Bill  establishing  compulsion  for  all  men, 
married  or  single— always  excepting  Ireland.  The  question  of 
man-power  is  paramount.  Mr.  Asquith  is  at  last  convinced  that 
"Wait  and  See"  must  yield  to  "Do  it  Now"  :  that  the  nation 
won't  have  the  sword  of  Damocles  hanging  over  its  head  any 
longer,  but  will  have  compulsion  in  its  hand  at  once.  On  the 
progress  of  the  War  Mr.  Asquith  has  said  little  in  Open 
Session,  but  any  omission  on  his  part  has  been  made  good  by 
Mr.  Churchill,  now  home  on  unlimited  leave,  who  has  spoken  at 
great  length  on  the  proper  use  of  armies. 

Mr.  Arthur  Ponsonby  and  Mr.  Ramsay  MacDonald,  who 
raised  the  question  of  Peace  on  Empire  Day,  urging  the 
Government  to  open  negotiations  with  Germany,  have  elicited 
from  the  Foreign  Secretary  the  deliberate  statement  that  the 
only  terms  of  peace  which  the  German  Government  had  ever 
put  forward  were  the  terms  of  victory  for  Germany,  and  that 
we  could  not  reason  with  the  German  people  so  long  as  they 
were  fed  with  lies, 

Mr.  Henry  James,  who  so  nobly  repaid  the  hospitality 
England  was  proud  to  show  him  by  adopting  her  nationality  in 
her  hour  of  greatest  need,  said  shortly  before  his  death  that 
nothing  grieved  him  more  than  the  constant  loss  of  England's 
"best  blood,  seed  and  breed."  The  mothers  of  England  "give 
their  sons,"  but  they  know  that  the  choice  did  not  rest  with 
them  : 

We  did  not  give  you — all  unasked  you  went, 
Sons  of  a  greater  motherhood   than   ours ; 

To  our  proud  hearts  your  young  brief  lives  were  lent, 
Then  swept  beyond  us  by  resistless  powers. 

Only  we  hear,  when  we  have  lost  our  all, 
That  far  clear  call. 

But  how  can  the  grief  be  measured  of  those 

Whose  best, 

Eager  to  serve  a  higher  quest 
And  in  the  Great  Cause  know  the  joy  of  battle, 

Gallant   and    young,    by    traitor   hands, 

Leagued   with  a  foe  from   alien  lands. 
Struck  down  in  cold  blood,   fell  like  butchered  cattle. 

91 


Mr.  PtmcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Though  Ireland  is  not  for  the  moment  a  source  of  humour 
she  contrives  to  be  the  cause  of  it  in  others.  A  daily  paper 
tells  us  that  Sir  Robert  Chalmers  is  to  be  "Permanent  Under- 
Secretary  of  Ireland  pro  tern."  Another  daily  paper,  the  Daily 
Mail  to  be  precise,  has  discovered  a  new  test  of  valour  :  "Mr. 
Mellish,  a  regular  reader  of  the  Daily  Mail  for  years,  was 
awarded  the  V.C.  last  month  for  conspicuous  bravery." 


]u7ie^  igi6. 

AT  last  the  long  vigil  in  the  North  Sea  has  ended  In  the 
/-\  glorious  if  indecisive  battle  of  Jutland,  the  greatest  sea 
-^  -*-  fight  since  Trafalgar.  Yet  was  it  indecisive  ?  After  the  mo- 
mentary dismay  caused  by  the  first  Admiralty  communique  with 
iis  over-estimate  of  our  losses,  public  confidence,  shaken  where 
it  was  strongest,  has  been  restored  by  further  information  and 
by  the  admissions  of  the  enemy.  We  have  to  mourn  the  loss  of 
many  ships,  still  more  the  loss  of  splendid  ships'  companies 
and  their  heroic  captains.  We  can  sympathise  with  the  cruel 
disappointment  of  those  who,  after  bearing  the  brunt  of  tl.e 
action,  were  robbed  of  the  opportunity  of  overwhelming  their 
enemy  by  failing  light  and  the  exigencies  of  a  strategy  governed 
in  the  last  resort  by  political  caution.  But  look  at  the  sequel. 
The  German  Fleet,  badly  battered,  retires  to  port ;  and  despite 
the  paeans  of  exultation  from  their  Admirals,  Kaiser,  and 
Imperial  Chancellor,  remains  there  throughout  the  month. 
Will  it  ever  come  out  again  ?  Meanwhile,  Wilhelmshaven  is 
closed  indefinitely,  and  nobody  is  allowed  to  see  those  sheep  in 
Wolff's  clothing — the  "victorious  fleet."  The  true  verdict,  so 
far  as  we  can  judge,  may  be  expressed  in  homely  phrase  :  The 
British  Navy  has  taken  a  knock  but  given  a  harder  one.  We 
can  stand  it  and  they  can't. 

Within  a  week  of  Jutland  the  Empire  has  been  stirred  to 
its  depths  by  the  tragic  death  of  Lord  Kitchener  in  the 
Hampshire,  blown  up  by  a  mine  off  the  Shetlands  on  her 
voyage  to  Archangel.  On  the  eve  of  starting  on  his  mission 
to  Russia  his  last  official  act  had  been  to  meet  his  critics  of  the 
House  of  Commons  face  to  face,  reply  to  their  questions  and 

92 


THE   LOST  CHIEF 
In  Memory  of  Field-Marshal  Earl  Kitchener,  Maker  of  Armies 


93 


Mr,  PuncHs  History  of  the  Great  War 


leave  them  silenced  and  admiring.  On  the  day  of  the  battle  of 
Jutland  these  critics  had  moved  the  Prime  Minister  to  declare 
that  Lord  Kitchener  was  personally  entitled  to  the  credit  for 
the  amazing  expansion  of  the  army.  Sir  Mark  Sykes,  no  mean 
authority,  asserted  that  in  Germany  our  War  Secretary  was 
feared  as  a  great  organiser,  while  in  the  East  his  name  was  one 
to  conjure  with;  and  Sir  George  Reid,  a  worthy  representative 
of  the  Dominions,  observed  that  his  chief  fault  was  that  he  was 
"not  clever  at  circulating  the  cheap  coin  of  calculated  civilities 
which  enable  inferior  men  to  rise  to  positions  to  which  they 
are  not  entitled."  These  tributes  were  delivered  in  his  lifetime; 
they  deserve  to  be  contrasted  with  the  appreciations  of  those 
journalists  who  clamoured  for  his  appointment,  then  clamoured 
for  his  dismissal,  and  profaned  his  passing  with  their  insincere 
eulogies.  Three  weeks  of  Recess  elapsed  before  the  Houses 
could  render  homage  to  the  illustrious  dead.  In  the  Lords  the 
debt  has  been  paid  by  a  statesman.  Lord  Lansdowne,  a  soldier, 
Lord  French,  and  a  friend.  Lord  Derby.  In  the  Commons  the 
speeches  were  all  touched  with  genuine  emotion  and  the  sense 
of  personal  loss.  Through  all  these  various  tributes  rang  the 
note  of  duty  well  done,  and  Mr,  Bonar  Law  did  well  to  remind 
the  House  of  the  sure  instinct  which  caused  Lord  Kitchener  to 
realise  at  the  very  outset  the  gigantic  nature  of  the  present 
War.  In  a  sense  his  loss  is  irreparable,  yet  his  great  w-ork  was 
accomplished  before  he  died.  Sometimes  accused  of  expecting 
others  to  achieve  the  impossible,  he  had  achieved  it  himself  in 
the  crowning  miracle  of  his  life,  the  improvisation  of  the  New 
Armies. 

The  violation  of  Greek  territory  by  the  Bulgarian  troops, 
as  might  be  expected,  has  not  led  to  any  effective  protest  from 
King  Constantine.  On  the  contrary,  one  seems  to  hear  this 
benevolent  neutral  deprecating  any  apology  on  the  part  of  King 
Ferdinand:  "Please  make  yourself  at  home.  This  is  Liberty 
Hall." 

It  is  otherwise  with  the  irruption  ol  the  Russians  under 
General  Brusiloff.  His  great  offensive  is  a  source  of  offence  to 
the  Austrians,  who  have  good  reason  to  complain  that  the 
"steam-roller"  is  exceeding  the  speed  limit.  Or  to  change  the 
metaphor,  the  bear  and  his  tormentor  have  changed  places. 

04 


Echoes  of  Easter   Week 


Ireland  has  receded  a  little  from  her  place  in  the  limelight, 
and  though  debates  on  martial  law  continue,  and  Irish  members 
ask  an  inordinate  number  of  questions  arising  out  of  the  hot 
Easter  week  in  Dublin,  the  temperature  is  no  longer  '"98  in 
the  shade"  as  a  local  wit  described  it  at  the  time.  Ministers 
are    extremely    economical    of    information  :     the    anticipated 


THE  FAR-REACHING   EFFECT   OF  THE  RUSSIAN   PUSH 

settlement  still  hangs  fire,  and  there  are  increasing  fears  that 
it  will  not  hold  water. 

A  number  of  professional  fortune-tellers  have  been  fined  at 
Southend  for  having  predicted  Zeppelins.  The  fraudulent  nature 
of  their  pretensions  was  sufficiently  manifest,  since  even  the 
authorities  had  been  unable  to  foresee  the  Zeppelins  until  some 
time  after  they  had  arrived. 

The  discussions  in  Parliament  and  out  of  it  of  the  way  in 
which  things  get  into  the  papers  which  oughtn't  to,  are  dying 
down.  A  daily  paper,  however,  has  revived  them  by  the  head- 
line, "Cabinet  leekage."  Now,  why,  in  wonder,  do  they  spell 
it  in  that  way  ? 

It  is  quite  impossible  to  keep  pace  with  all  the  new 
incarnations  of   women   in   war-time — 'bus-conductress,    ticket- 

95 


Mr.  Pimcli s  History  of  the  Great  War 


collector,  lift-girl,  club  waitress,  post-woman,  bank  clerk, 
motor-driver,  farm-labourer,  guide,  munition  maker.  There 
is  nothing  new  in  the  function  of  ministering  angel  :  the 
myriad  nurses  in  hospital  here  or  abroad  are  only  carrying  out, 
though  in  greater  numbers  than  ever  before,  what  has  always 
been  woman's  mission.  But  whenever  he  sees  one  of  these  new 
citizens,  or  hears  fresh  stories  of  their  address  and  ability, 
Mr.  Punch  is  proud  and  delighted.     Perhaps  in  the  past,  even 


Farmer  (who  has  got  a  lady-help  in  the  dairy):  " 'Ullo,  Missy,  what  in  the 
world  be  ye  doin'  ?  " 

Ladv  :  "Well,  you  told  me  to  water  the  cows,  and  I'm  doing  it.  They  don't 
seem   to  like  it  much." 

in  the  present,  he  may  have  been,  or  even  still  is,  a  little  given 
to  chaff  Englishwomen  for  some  of  their  foibles,  and  even  their 
aspirations.  But  he  never  doubted  how  splendid  they  were  at 
heart;  he  never  for  a  moment  supposed  they  would  be  anything 
but  ready  and  keen  when  the  hour  of  need  struck. 


96 


The  New  Army  on  the  Som7ne 


July,  igi6. 

ON  the  home  front  we  have  long  been  accustomed  to  the 
sound  of  guns,  small  and  great,   but  it  has  come  from 
training    camps    and    inspires    confidence    rather    than 
anxiety.      We    have    been    spared    the    horrors    of    invasion, 
occupation,  wholesale  devastation.     In  certain  areas  the  noise 
of  bombs  and  anti-aircraft  guns  has  grown  increasingly  familiar, 
and  on  our  south-east  and  east  coasts  war  from  the  air,  on  the 
sea,  and  under  the  sea  has  become  more  and  more  audible  as 
the  months  pass  by.     But  July  has  brought  us  a  new  experi- 
ence—the sound  fifty  or  sixty  miles  inland  in  peaceful  rural 
England,  amid  glorious  midsummer  weather,  of  the  continual 
throbbing  night  and  day  of  the  great  guns  on  the  Somme,  where 
our  first  great  offensive  opened  on  the  ist,  and  has  continued 
with  solid  and  substantial  gains,  some  set-backs,  heavy  losses 
for  the  Allies,  still  heavier  for  the  enemy.     Names  of  villages 
and  towns,  which  hitherto  have  been  to  most  of  us  mere  names 
on  the  map,  have  now  become  luminous  through  shining  deeds 
of   glory    and   sacrifice— Contalmaison    and    Mametz,    Delville 
Wood,   Thiepval   and   Beaumont-Hamel,   Serre  and   Pozi^res. 
The  victory,  for  victory  it  is,  has  not  been  celebrated  in  the 
German  way.    England  takes  her  triumphs  as  she  takes  defeats, 
without  a  sign  of  having  turned  a  hair  : 

Vet  we  are  proud  because  at  last,  at  last 
We  look  upon   the  dawn  of  our  desire; 

Because  the  weary   waiting-time  is  passed 
And  we  have  tried  our  temper  in  the  fire; 
And  proving  word  by  deed 

Have  kept  the  faith  we  pledged  to  France  at  need. 

But  most  because,   from  mine  and  desk  and  mart, 
Springing  to  face  a  task  undreamed  before, 

Our  men,  inspired  to  play  their  prentice  part 
Like  soldiers  lessoned  in  the  school  of  war, 
True  to  their  breed  and  name. 

Went  flawless  through  the  fierce  baptismal  flame. 

And  he  who  brought  these  armies  into  life, 
And  on  them  set  the  impress  of  his  will — 
H  97 


Mr.  Punch s  History  of  the  Great  War 


Could  he  be  moved  by  sound  of  mortal  strife, 

There  where  he  lies,   their  Captain,  cold  and  still 
Under  the  shrouding  tide. 
How  would  his  great  heart  stir  and  glow  with  pride  I 


"TWO   HEADS  WITH   BUT  A    SINGLE   THOUGHT" 

First  Head  ;    "  What  prospects  ? 
Second  Head  :    "  Rotten." 
First  Head;    "Same  here." 

The  results  of  the  battle  of  the  Somme  are  shown  in  a  variety 
of  ways  :  by  the  reticence  and  admissions  of  the  German  Press, 
by  its  efforts  to  divert  attention  to  the  exploits  of  the  commercial 
submarine  cruiser  Deutschland;  above  all,  by  the  Kaiser's  fresh 
explosions  of  piety.  "The  Devil  was  sick,  the  Devil  a  monk 
would  be."  There  is  no  further  sign  of  his  fleet,  which  remains 
crippled  by  its  "victory."  Nor  can  he,  still  less  his  Ally,  draw 
comfort  from  the  situation  on   the  Russian  or  Italian  fronts. 

98 


WELL   DONE,  THE    NEW  ARMY 


99 


Mr,  Pitnclis  Histoiy  of  the  Great  War 


Mr.  Punch  finds  the  usual  difficuhy  in  getting  any  details 
from  his  correspondents  when  they  have  been  or  are  in  the 
thick  of  the  fighting.  Practically  all  that  they  have  to  say  is 
that  there  was  a  "damned  noise,"  that  breakfast  was  delayed 
by  the  "morning  hate,"  or  that  an  angry  sub  besought  a  weary 
O.C.  "to  ask  our  gunners  not  to  serve  faults  into  our  front 
line  wire."  One  of  them,  however,  a  very  wise  young  man, 
ventures  on-  the  prediction  that  the  War  will  last  well  into  1918. 
As  the  result  of  a  brief  leave  he  has  learned  an  important  truth. 
"  In  England  they  assume  that  you,  having  just  arrived  from 
France,  kno%v.  When  you  return  to  France,  it  is  assumed  that 
you,  having  just  arrived  from  England,  knoiv." 

In  Parliament  Ireland  is  beginning  to  suffer  from  a  rival  in 
unenviable  notoriety.  Mesopotamia  does  not  smell  particularly 
sweet  just  now,  but  that  may  add  to  its  usefulness  as  a  red 
herring.  Geographers  are  said  to  have  some  difficulty  in 
defining  its  exact  boundaries,  but  the  Government  are  probably 
quite  convinced  that  it  is  situate  between  the  Devil  and  the 
Deep  Sea.  Two  Special  Commissions  are  to  be  set  up  to 
inquire  into  the  Mesopotamian  and  Dardanelles  Expeditions. 
Public  opinion  has  been  painfully  stirred  by  the  harrowing 
details  which  have  come  to  light  of  the  preventible  sufferings 
endured  by  British  troops.  From  their  point  of  view  the 
supply  of  their  medical  needs,  now  guaranteed,  is  worth  a 
wilderness  of  Special  Commissions.  But  Ireland  still  holds 
the  floor,  though  Mr.  Asquith  is  frugal  of  information  as  to 
the  prospective  Irish  Bill  and  has  deprecated  discussion  of 
the  Hardinge  Report,  the  most  scarifying  public  document  of 
our  times.  The  Lords,  unembarrassed  by  any  embargo,  have 
discussed  the  Report  in  a  spirit  which  must  make  Mr.  Birrell 
thank  his  stars  that  he  got  in  his  confession  first.  But  why, 
he  may  ask,  should  he  be  judged  by  Lord  Hardinge,  himself 
a  prospective  defendant  at  the  bar  of  public  opinion  ? 

Following  the  lead  of  a  certain  section  of  the  Press,  certain 
Members  have  begun  to  wax  vocal  on  the  subject  of  reprisals, 
uninterned  Aliens,  and  the  Hidden  Hand.  Their  appeals  to 
the  Home  Office  to  go  on  the  spy-trail  have  not  met  with  much 
sympathy  so  far.  An  alleged  Austrian  taxi-driver  has  turned 
out   to   be  a   harmless  Scotsman   with   an   impediment  in   his 

100 


John  Bttrns  Reappears 


speech.  More  interesting  has  been  the  sudden  re-emergence 
of  Mr.  John  Burns.  He  sank  without  a  trace  two  years  ago, 
but  has  now  bobbed  up  to  denounce  the  proposal  to  strengthen 
the  Charing  Cross  railway-bridge.  We  could  have  wished 
that  he  had  been  ready  to  "keep  the  bridge  "  in  another  sense; 
but  at  least  he  has  been  a  silent  Pacificist.  Mr.  Winston 
Churchill,  when  his  journalistic  labours  permit,  has  contributed 
to  the  debates,  and  Lord  Haldane  has  again  delivered  his 
famous  lecture  on  the  defects  of  English  education.  But  for 
Parliamentary  sagacity  in  excelsis  commend  us  to  Mr. 
McCallum  Scott.  Pie  is  seriously  perturbed  about  the  shortage 
of  sausage-skins  and,  in  spite  of  the  bland  assurance  of  Mr. 
Harcourt  that  supplies  are  ample,  is  alleged  to  be  planning  a 
fresh  campaign  with  the  assistance  of  Mr.  Hogge.  Another 
shortage  has  given  rise  to  no  anxiety,  but  rather  the  reverse.'^  In 
a  police  court  it  was  recently  stated  that  there  are  no  longer  any 
tramps  in  England.  Evidently  the  appeal  of  that  stirring  old 
song,  "Tramp!  tramp!  tramp!  the  boys  are  marching,"  has 
not  been  without  its  effect.  Yet  another  endurable  shortage  is 
reported  from  the  seaside,  where  an  old  sailor  on  the  local  sea 


mx%i  if-^^\  K?w        • .  ^ .  . 


■^^^ 


Conjurer  (unconscious    of    the    approach    of    hostile    aircraft):  "Now,  Ladies 
and  Gentlemen,  i  want  you  to  watch  me  closely." 

lOI 


Mr.  P^mcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


front  has  been  lamenting  the  spiritual  starvation  brought  about 
by  the  war.  "Why,"  he  said,  "for  the  first  time  for  twenty 
years  we  ain't  got  no  performing  fleas  down  here."  And  per- 
formers, when  they  do  come,  are  not  always  successful  in 
riveting-  the  attention  of  their  audience. 


August,  igi6. 

THE  third  year  of  the  War  opens  well  for  the  Allies;  so 
v.ell  that  the  Kaiser  has  again  issued  a  statement  deny- 
ing that  he  is  responsible  for  it.  The  Big  Push  on  the 
Somme  goes  on  steadily,  thanks  to  fine  leadership,  the  steadfast 
heroism  of  the  New  Armies,  and  the  loyal  co-operation  of  the 
munition-workers  at  home,  who  have  deferred  their  holiday 
rather  than  hamper  their  brothers  in  the  trenches  by  a  lessened 
output. 

Here  one  fact  may  suffice  as  a  sample.  The  weekly  con- 
sumption of  high  explosives  by  the  Army  is  now  between  eleven 
and  twelve  thousand  times  as  much  as  it  was  in  September, 
1 9 14.  Yet  when  a  lieutenant  is  asked  to  state  what  it  is  really 
like  being  along  with  the  B.E.F.  when  it  is  in  its  pushful 
mood,  he  sedulously  eschews  ht-roics,  and  will  not  commit 
himself  to  saying  more  than  that  it's  all  right — that  he  doesn't 
think  there  is  any  cause  for  anxiety.  "We  seem  to  have  ceased 
to  have  sensations  out  here.  It  is  a  matter  of  business;  the  only 
question  is  how  long  is  it  going  to  take  to  complete."  So,  too, 
with  the  Tommies.  "Wonderful,"  declares  the  man  in  the 
ranks  to  persistent  seekers  after  thrilling  descriptions  of 
w-ar.  "You  never  see  the  like.  Across  in  them  trenches  there 
was  real  soda-water  in  bottles."  To  return  to  our  lieutenant, 
he  "simply  can't  help  being  a  little  sorry  for  the  Boche  now  that 
his  wild  oats  are  coming  home  to  roost."  Even  his  poetic 
friends,  formerly  soulful  and  precious,  take  this  restrained  view. 
The  Attributes  of  the  Enemy  are  thus  summed  up  by  one 
trench  bard  \ 

If  Boches  laughed  and   Huns  were  gents. 
They'd  own  their  share  of  continents; 
102 


THE   BIG  PUSH 

Munition  Worker:  "  Well.  I'm  not  taking  a  holiday  myself  just 
yet.  but  I'm  sending  these  kids  of  mine  for  a  little  trip  on  the 
Continent." 


103 


Mr,  P^mcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


There'd  be  no  fuss,  and,  what  is  more, 
There  wouldn't  even  be  a  war. 
Whereas  the  end  of  all  this  tosh 
Can  only  be  there'll  be  no  Boche. 

Another  poet,  an  R.F.C.  man,  adopts  the  same  vein,  void 
alike  of  hate  or  exultation  :^ 

Returning-  from  my  morning  fly 

I  met  a  Fokker  in  the  sky, 

And,  judging  from  its  swift  descent, 

It  had  a  nasty  accident. 

On  thinking  further  of  the  same 

I  rather  fear  I  was  to  blame. 

It  is  easy  to  understand  why  the  enemy  nations  find 
England  so  disappointing  and  unsatisfying  to  be  at  war 
with. 

Italy,  too,  has  had  her  Big  Push  on  the  Isonzo,  capturing 
Monte  Sabotino,  which  had  defied  her  for  fifteen  months,  and 
Gorizia — a  triumph  of  scientific  preparation  and  intrepid 
assault.  The  Austrian  poison-gas  attack  on  the  Asiago  plateau 
has  been  avenged,  and  the  objectives  of  the  long  and  ineffectual 
offensive  of  the  previous  winter  carried  with  thousands  of 
prisoners  at  a  comparatively  cheap  price.  To  add  to  Austria's 
humiliation  her  armies  on  the  Eastern  Front  have  been  placed 
under  the  Prussian  Hindenburg.  And  Rumania  has  joined 
the  Allies  at  the  end  of  what  has  been  a  very  bad  month  for 
the  Central  Empires.  English  newspapers  have  been  excluded 
from  Germany,  and  Berlin  has  added  truthless  to  meatless  days. 
But  the  Germans  have  long  since  found  a  substitute  for 
veracity  as  well  as  for  leather  and  butter  and  rubber  and  bread. 
They  are  said  to  have  found  a  substitute  for  International  Law, 
and  it  is  an  open  secret  that  they  are  even  now  in  search  of 
a  substitute  for  victory.  We  might  even  suggest  a  few  more 
substitutes  which  have  not  yet  been  utilised.  As,  for  example, 
a  substitute  for  Verdun  with  the  German  flag  flying  over  it; 
substitutes  for  several  German  Colonies;  a  substitute  for 
Austria  as  an  ally;  and  substitutes  for  Kultur  and  Organi- 
sation and  Efficiency  and  World  Power  and  the  Mailed  Fist 

104 


The  Irish  Incubus 


and   the    Crown    Prince   and    the    Kaiser   and    the   War   and 
all  the  things  that  haven't  come  off. 

Various  momentous  decisions  have  been  arrived  at  in  Par- 
liament.    The   Cabinet   are   not   to  be   cinematographed,    and 
unnecessary   taxi-whistling    is   to  be   suppressed,   without   any 
prejudice  to  the  squealing  of  importunate  chatterers  below  the 
gangway.      Ireland   has   again    dominated   the    Parliamentary 
scene;  the  Nationalists  have  resumed  their  freedom  of  action 
with  attacks  on  Sir  John  Maxwell  and  martial  law,  and  are 
displaying    an     embarrassing     industry     reminiscent    of     the 
'Eighties.      Mr.   Ginnell   has   been    removed  by  order  of   the 
Speaker;  Mr.  Duke  has  succeeded  Mr.  Birrell;  and  the  discus- 
sion of  three  Irish  Bills  has  bulked  so  large  that  one  might 
almost  forget  we  were  at  war.     In  such  brief  moments  as  could 
be  spared  from  Irish  affairs  the  Premier  has  proposed  a  fresh 
Vote  of  Credit  for  450  millions,  has  introduced  a  Bill  for  extend- 
ing  the   life  of   Parliament,    and  another  establishing  a   new 
Register.      The    last    has    been    unmercifully    belaboured    in 
debate,  the  Prime  Minister  himself  describing  it  as  "a  halting, 
lopsided,    temporary    makeshift."      The    apparently    insoluble 
problem  is  that  of  enabling  soldiers  in  the  trenches  to  exercise 
the  franchise.     Soldiers  and  sailors  can  very  well  wait  for  their 
votes,  but  not  for  their  money,  and  the  delays  in  providing 
pensions  for  discharged  men  have  been  condemned  by  members 
of  all  parties.     So  the  War  is  not  altogether  forgotten  by  the 
House.     Mr.  Lloyd  George,  the  new  War  Secretary,  without 
wasting  breath  on  the  pessimistic  comments  of  his  colleague 
Mr.  Churchill,  has  given  an  encouraging  survey  of  the  general 
situation.    The  cry  has  gone  up  that  Mr.  Hughes  Must  Come 
Back  from  Australia,  and  Mr.  Swift  MacNeill  has  been  rewarded 
for  his  pertinacity  by  extracting  a  promise  from  Mr.  Asquith 
that  he  will  purge  the  Peerage  of  its  enemy  Dukes.    Better  still 
is  the  solemn  assurance  of  the  Premier  that  the  Government 
are  taking  steps  to  discover  the  identity  of  all  those  who  are  in 
any  way  responsible  for  the  judicial  murder  of  Captain  Fryatt 
—the    worst    instance    of    calculated    atrocity    against    non- 
combatants  since  the  murder  of  Nurse  Cavell. 

The  education  of  our  New  Armies  is  full  of  strange  and 
noble  surprises.     Now  it  is  an  ex-shop  boy  converted  into  an 

105 


Mr,  P^tncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


R.H.A.  driver.   Or  again  it  is  a  Tommy  learning  to  appreciate 
the  heroism  of  a  French  peasant  woman  : 

'Er  bloke's  out  scrappin'  with  the  rest, 

Pushin'  a  bay'net  in  Argonne; 
She  wears  'is  photo  on  'er  breast, 

"  Mon  Jean,"  she  sez — the  French  for  John. 

She   'ears  the  guns  boom  night  an'   day; 

She  sees  the  shrapnel  burstin'  black; 
The  sweaty  columns  march  away, 

The  stretchers  bringin'  of  'em  back. 

She  ain't  got  no  war-leggin's  on; 

'Er  picture's  never  in  the   Press, 
Out  scoutin'.     She  finds  breeks  "no  hon," 

An'  carries  on  in  last  year's  dress. 

At  dawn  she  tows  a  spotty  cow 

To  graze  upon  the  village  green ; 
She  plods  for  miles  be'ind  a  plough. 

An'  takes  our  washin'  in  between. 

She  tills  a  patch  o'  spuds  besides, 

An'   burnt  like  copper  in  the  sun. 
She   tosses    'ay    all   day,    then    rides 

The  'orse  'ome  when  the  job  is  done. 

The  times  is  'ard — I  got  me  woes, 

With  blistered  feet  an'  this  an'  that, 
An'  she's  got  'ers,  the  good  Lord  knows, 

Although  she  never  chews  the  fat. 

But  when  the  Boche  'as  gulped  'is  pill. 
An'  crawled   'ome  to  'is  bloomin'  Spree, 

We'll  go  upon  the  bust,  we  will, 
Madame  an'  Monsieur  Jean  an'  me. 

Or  once  more  it  is  the  young  officer  shaving  himself  in  a 
captured  German  dug-out  before  an  old  looking-glass  looted 

1 06 


Lonely  Soldiers 


from   a   chateau  by   a  dead   German,   and  apologising  to   its 
rightful  owner : 

Madame,  at  the  end  of  this  long  campaign, 
When   France  comes  into   her  own   again 
In  the  setting  where  only  she  can  shine. 
As  you  in  your  mirror  of  rare  design — . 

Forgive  me,  who  dare 

In  a  German  lair 
To   shave  in   your  mirror   at   Pozi^res. 

Then  there  are  "lonely  soldiers  "  in  India,  envious  of  their 
more  fortunate  comrades  in  Flanders,  and  soldiers  quite  the 
reverse  of  lonely  during  their  well-earned  leave. 


The  Captain  :    "  Your  brother   is  doing  splendidly   in  the   Battalion.     Before 
long  he'll  be  our  best  man." 

The  Sister:    "Oh.  Reginald!    Really,  this  is  so  very  sudden." 

The  education  of  those  on  the   Home   Front   is  also  pro- 
ceeding.    There  are  some  maids  who  announce  the  approach 

107 


Mr,  Pimclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


of  Zeppelins  as  if  they  were  ordinary  visitors.  There  are  others 
who  pohtely  decline  to  exchange  a  seat  at  an  attic  window 
for  the  security  of  the  basement. 


Mistress  (coming  to  maid's  room  as  the  Zeppelins  approach):  "Jane! 
Jane!     Won't  yoii  come  downstairs  with  the  rest  of  us?" 

Little  Maid  ;  "Oh,  thank  you.  Mum,  but  I  can  see  beautiful  from  here. 
Mum." 

According  to  the  German  papers  Prince  Frederick  Leopold 
of  Prussia  has  been  severely  reprimanded  by  the  Kaiser  for 
permitting  his  wild  swine  to  escape  from  their  enclosure  and 
damage  neighbouring  property.  It  would  be  interesting  to 
know  if  Prince  Leopold  excused  himself  on  the  ground  that  he 
had  merely  followed  the  All  Highest's  distinguished  example. 
When  Princes  are  rebuked  common  editors  cannot  hope  to 
escape  censure.  The  editor  of  the  Vorwarts  has  again  been 
arrested,  the  reason  given  being  that  the  newspaper  does  not 
truthfully  represent  Germany's  position  in  the  War.  If  the 
title  of  the  organ  is  any  indication  of  its  contents  the  charge 
would  appear  to  be  more  than  justified. 

1 08 


Sweepers  of  the  Sea 


September,  igi6. 

IAN  HAY"  wrote  a  fine  book  on  "The  First  Hundred 
Thousand  " — the  first  batch  of  Kitchener's  Army.  Another 
book,  equally  glorious,  remains  to  be  written  about  another 
Hundred  Thousand — the  Sweepers  of  the  Sea.  And  with  them 
are  to  be  reckoned  the  heroes  of  the  little  ships  of  whom  we 
hear  naught  save  the  laconic  record  in  a  daily  paper  that  "the 

small  steamer  struck  a  mine  yesterday  and  sank,"  and 

that  all  the  crew  were  lost : 

Who  to  the  deep  in  ships  go  down, 

Great  marvels  do  behold. 
But  comes  the  day  when  some  must  drown 

In  the  grey  sea  and  cold. 
For  galleons  lost  great  bells  do  toll, 

But  now  we  must  implore 
God's  ear  for  sunken  Little  Ships 

Who  are  not  heard  of  more. 

When  ships  of  war  put  out  to  sea, 

They   go   with   guns   and   mail, 
That  so  the  chance  may  equal  be 

Should  foemen  them  assail ; 
But  Little  Ships  men's  errands  run. 

And  are  not  clad  for  strife ; 
God's  mercy,  then,  on  Little  Ships 

Who  cannot  fight  for  life. 

To  warm  and  cure,  to  clothe  and  feed. 

They  stoutly  put  to  sea, 
And  since  that  men  of  them  had  need 

Made  light  of  jeopardy ; 
Each  in  her  hour  her  fate  did  meet. 

Nor  flinched  nor  made  outcry ; 
God's  love  be  with  these  Little  Ships 

Who  could  not  choose  but  die. 

To  friar  and  nun,  and  every  one 

Who  lives  to  save  and  tend. 
Sisters  were  these  whose  work  is  done 

And  Cometh  thus  to  end ; 
109 


Mr.  PuncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Full  well  they  knew  what  risk  they  ran 

But  still  were  strong  to  give; 
God's  grace  for  all  the  Little  Ships 

Who  died  that  men  might  live. 

September  has  brought  us  good  tidings  by  land  and  air. 
Thiepval  and  Combles  are  ours,  and  the  plague  of  the  Zeppelins 
has  been  stayed.  The  downing  of  the  Zepp  at  CufHey  by 
Lieutenant  Robinson  gave  North  London  the  most  thrilling 
aerial  spectacle  ever  witnessed.  There  has  been  much  diversity 
of  opinion  as  to  the  safest  place  to  be  in  during  a  Zeppelin 
raid — under  cover  or  in  the  open,  on  the  top  floor  or  in  the 
basement;  but  recent  experiences  suggest  that  by  far  the 
most  dangerous  place  on  those  occasions  is  in  a  Zeppelin. 
But  perhaps  the  most  momentous  event  of  the  month  has  been 
the  coming  of  the  Tanks,  a  most  humoious  and  formidable 
addition  to  the  fauna  of  the  battlefield — half  battleship,  half 
caterpillar — which  have  given  the  Germans  the  surprise  of  their 
lives,  a  surprise  all  the  more  effective  for  being  sudden  and 
complete.  The  Germans,  no  doubt,  have  their  surprise  packets 
in  store  for  us,  but  we  can  safely  predict  that  they  are  not  likely 
to  be  at  once  so  comic  and  so  efficient  as  these  unlovely  but 
painstaking  monsters.  As  an  officer  at  the  front  writes  to  a 
friend:  "These  animals  look  so  dreadfully  competent,  I  am 
quite  sure  they  can  swim.  Thus,  any  day  now,  as  you  go  to 
your  business  in  the  City,  you  may  meet  one  of  them  trundling 
up  Ludgate  Hill,  looking  like  nothing  on  earth  and  not 
behaving  like  a  gentleman."  As  for  the  relations  between  the 
Allies  in  the  field  the  same  correspondent  contributes  some 
enlightening  details.  The  French  aren't  English  and  the 
English  aren't  French,  and  difficulties  are  bound  to  arise.  The 
course  of  true  love  never  did  run  smooth.  Here  it  started,  as 
it  generally  does,  with  a  rush ;  infatuation  was  succeeded  by 
friction,  and  that  in  turn  by  the  orthodox  aftermath  of  re- 
conciliation. "How  do  we  stand  now?  We  have  settled  down 
to  one  of  those  attachments  which  have  such  an  eternity  before 
them  in  the  future  that  they  permit  of  no  gushing  in  the 
present."  The  War  goes  well  on  the  Western  Front,  the  worst 
news  being  the  report  that  the  Kaiser  has  undertaken  to  refrain 

no 


THE  SWEEPERS  OF  THE  SEA 

Mr.  Punch  :  "  Risky  work,  isn't  it  ?  " 

Trawler  Skipper:  "That's  why  there's  a  hundred  thousand  of 
us  doin'  it." 


II I 


Mr.  PtmcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


in  future  from  active  participation  in  the  conduct  of  military 
operations. 

Peace  reigns  at  Westminster,  where  legislators  are  agree- 
ably conspicuous  by  their  absence.  But  other  agencies  are 
active.  According  to  an  advertisement  in  the  Nation  the 
Fabian  Research  Department  have  issued  two  Reports,  "to- 
gether with  a  Project  for  a  Supernatural  Authority  that  will 
Prevent  War."  The  egg,  on  the  authority  of  the  Daily  Mail, 
is  "disap  \iring  from  our  breakfast  table,"  but  even  the 
Humblest  .  us  can  still  enjoy  our  daily  mare's  nest.  The  effect 
of  the  Zeppelin  on  the  young  has  already  been  shown;  but 
even  the  elderly  own  its  stimulating  influence. 


October,  igi6. 

MR.  PUNCH'S  correspondents  at  the  Front  have  an  in- 
corrigible habit  of  euphemism  and  levity.  Even  when 
things  go  well  they  are  never  betrayed  into  heroics,  but 
adhere  to  the  schoolboy  formula  of  "not  half  bad,"  just  as  in  the 
blackest  hours  they  would  not  admit  that  things  were  more  than 
"pretty  beastly."  Yet  sometimes  they  deviate  for  a  moment  into 
really  enlightening  comment.  No  better  summary  of  the  situa- 
tion as  it  stands  in  the  third  year  of  the  War  can  be  given  than 
in  the  words  of  the  faithful  "Watch-dog,"  who  has  long  been 
on  duty  in  trench  and  dug-out  and  crater-hole  :  — 

"This  War  has  ceased  to  become  an  occupation  befitting  a 
gentleman — gentleman,  that  is,  of  the  true  Prussian  breed.  It 
was  a  happy  and  honourable  task  so  long  as  it  consisted  of 
civilising  the  world  at  large  with  high  explosive,  poisonous 
gas  and  burning  oil,  and  the  world  at  large  was  not  too  ready 
to  answer  back.  To  persist  in  this  stern  business,  in  face  of  the 
foolish  and  ignoble  obstinacy  of  the  adversary,  required  great 
courage  and  strength  of  mind;  but  the  Prussian  is  essentially 
courageous  and  strong.  Things  came  to  a  pretty  pass,  however, 
when  the  wicked  adversary  made  himself  some  guns  and  shells 
and  took  to  being  stern  on  his  own.  People  who  behave  like 
that,  especially  after  they  have  been  conquered,  are  not  to  be 
mixed  with — anything  to  keep  aloof  from  such.     One  had  to 

I  12 


2  a.m.  Crash  : 


Boom  ! 


Bang ! 


Where  is  it  ? 


1  can't  see  it ! 


I  must  see  it ! 


I  will  see  it! 


I  shall  see  it ! 


THE   REJUVENATING  EFFECT  OF    ZEPPELINS 
I  113 


Mr,  PiincJis  History  of  the  Great  War 

leave  Combles,  one  had  to  leave  Thiepval,  one  may  even  have 
to  leave  Bapaume  to  avoid  the  pest ;  these  nasty  French  and 
English  persons,  with  their  disgusting  tanks,  intrude  every- 
where nowadays."  The  German  engineer  is  being  hoist  w-ith 
his  own  petard  : 

Yet  you  may  suck  sweet  solace  from  the  thought 

That  not  in  vain  the  seed  was  sown, 
That  half  the  recent  havoc  we  have  wrought 

Was  based  on  methods  all  your  own ; 
And  smile  to  hear  our  heavy  batteries 
Pound   you  with   imitation's  purest  flatteries. 

Yet,  at  best,  this  is  sorry  comfort  for  the  Kaiser. 

It  is  not  a  picnic  for  the  men  in  our  front  line.  Reports 
that  the  situation  is  "normal"  or  "quiet"  or  "uneventful" 
represent  more  or  less  correctly  what  is  happening  at  G.H.Q., 
Divisional  Headquarters,  Brigade  Headquarters,  or  even  Bat- 
talion Headquarters.  They  represent  understatement  to  the  n'*" 
when  applied  to  the  front  trenches.  But  listen  again  to  the 
"Watch-dog."  He  admits  that  some  of  our  diamonds  are  not 
smooth,  but  adds  "for  myself  I  welcome  every  touch  of  nature 
in  these  our  warriors.  It  is  good  to  be  in  the  midst  of  them, 
for  they  thrive  as  never  before,  and  their  comforts  are  few 
enough  these  wet  bloody  days." 

The  Crown  Prince,  after  seven  months  of  ineffective  carnage 
before  Verdun,  has  been  giving  an  interview  to  an  American 
ex-clergyman,  representing  the  Hearst  anti-British  newspapers, 
in  which  he  appears  in  the  light  of  a  tender-hearted  philan- 
thropist, longing  for  peace,  mercy,  and  the  delights  of  home- 
life.  Mr.  Lloyd  George,  in  an  interview  with  an  American 
journalist,  has  defined  our  policy  as  that  of  delivering  a  "knock 
out"  to  Prussian  military  despotism,  a  pugilistic  metaphor 
which  has  wounded  some  of  our  Pacificists.  Our  Zeppelin  bag 
is  growing;  Count  Zeppelin  has  sworn  to  destroy  London  or 
die,  but  now  that  John  Bull  is  getting  his  eye  in,  the  oath 
savours  of  suicide. 

The  Allies  have  presented  an  ultimatum  to  Greece,  but  Mr. 
Asquith's  appeal  to  the  traditions  of  ancient  Hellas  is  wasted 

114 


.^^^^o^^''^ 


THE   SUNLIGHT-LOSER 


Kaiser  (as  his  sainted  Grandfather's  clock  strikes  three):  "The 
British  are  just  putting  their  clocks  back  an  hour.  I  wish  I  could 
put  ours  back  about  three  years." 


115 


Mr.  Pwiclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


on  King-  Constantino,  who,  if  he  had  lived  in  the  days  of 
Marathon  and  Salamis,  would  undoubtedly  have  been  a  pro- 
Persian.  As  for  his  future,  Mr.  Punch  ventures  on  a  prediction  : 

Tino,    if  some   day    Hellas   should    arise 

A   phcEnlx   soaring'  from  her  present  cinders, 

Think  not  to  share  her  passage  to  the  skies 
Or  furnish  purple  copy  for  her  Pindars; 

You'll  be  in  exile,  if  you  don't  take  care, 

Along  with  brother  William,   Lord  knows  where  ! 

A  couple  of  months  ago,  on  the  occasion  of  sharks  appear- 
ing on  the  Atlantic  coast  of  the  U.S.A.,  it  was  freely  intimated 

at  the  fashionable 
watering  -  places 
that  there  was 
such  a  thing  as 
being  too  proud 
to  bathe.  Now 
a  new  and  un- 
timely irritant  has 
turned  up  off  the 
same  shores  in  the 
shape  of  U-boats. 
Their  advent  is 
all  the  more  in- 
considerate in 
view  of  the  im- 
pending P  r  e  s  i- 
dential  Election, 
at  which  Mr. 
Wilson's  claim  is 
based  on  having 
kept  America  out 
of  the  War. 

Members  have 
returned  to  St. 
S  t  e  p  h  e  n  's  re- 
freshed by  seven 
w  ee  k  s'  holiday, 
and  the  National- 


COMRADES     IN     VICTORY 
Combles,   September  26th 


POILD 


3ravo,  mon   vieux! 


Tommy:    "Same  to  you,  mate." 

ii6 


The  Woes  of  Sinn  Fein 


ists  have  been  recruiting  their  energies,  but  unfortunately 
nothing  else,  in  Ireland.  By  way  of  signalising  his 
restoration,  after  an  apology,  Mr.  Ginnell  handed  in 
thirty-nine  questions— the  fruits  of  his  enforced  leisure. 
The  woes  of  the  interned  Sinn  Feiners  who  have  been 
condemned  to  sleep  in  a  disused  distillery  at  Frongoch  have 
been  duly  brought  forward  and  the  House  invited  to  declare  that 
"the  system  of  government  at  present  maintained  in  Ireland 
is  inconsistent  with  the  principles  for  which  the  Allies  are 
fighting  in  Europe."  The  system  of  administration  in  Ireland 
is,  and  always  has  been,  inconsistent  with  any  settled  prin- 
ciples whatsoever ;  but  to  propose  such  a  motion  now  is  equivalent 
to  affirming  that  Ireland  is  being  treated  by  Great  Britain  as 
Belgium  and  Poland  and  Serbia  have  been  treated  by  Germany. 
Mr.  Redmond  made  no  attempt  to  prove  this  absurd  thesis, 
but  when  he  demanded  that  martial  law  should  be  withdrawn 
and  the  interned  rebels  let  loose  in  a  Home-ruled  Ireland — 
while  the  embers  of  the  rebellion  were  still  dangerously 
smouldering— he  asked  too  much  even  of  that  amicable  and 
trustful  beast,  the  British  Lion.  Mr.  Duke  is  not  exactly  a 
sparkling  orator,  but  he  said  one  thing  which  needed  saying, 
namely,  that  Irishmen  ought  to  work  out  a  scheme  of  Home 
Rule  for  themselves,  and  lay  it  before  Parliament,  instead  of 
expecting  Englishmen  to  do  their  work  for  them  and  then  com- 
plaining of  the  result.  In  the  division-lobby  the  Nationalists 
received  the  assistance  of  some  forty  or  fifty  British  Members, 
who  supported  the  motion,  Mr.  Punch  suspects,  more  out  of 
hatred  of  the  Coalition  than  of  love  for  Ireland.  But  they  were 
easily  out-voted  by  British  Home  Rulers  alone.  The  impres- 
sion left  by  the  debate  was  that  the  Nationalist  Members  had  a 
great  deal  more  sympathy  with  the  Sinn  Feiners  than  they  had 
with  the  innocent  victims  of  the  rebellion. 

The  need  of  a  War  propaganda  at  home  is  illustrated 
by  the  answers  to  correspondents  in  the  Leeds  Mercury. 
"Reasonable  questions"  are  invited,  and  here  is  one  of  the 
answers  :  "T.B. — No,  it  is  not  General  Sir  William  Robertson, 
but  the  Rev.  Sir  William  Robertson  Nicoll  who  edits  The 
British  Weekly."  But  then,  as  another  journal  pathetically 
observes,  "About  nine-tenths  of  what  we  say  is  of  no  earthly 

117 


il/r.  Pimclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Mother  :    "  Come  away,  Jimmy  !      Maybe  it  ain't  properly  stuffed." 

importance  to  anybody."  Further  light  is  thrown  on  this  con- 
fession by  the  claim  of  an  Islington  applicant  for  exemption  : 
"Once  I  was  a  circus  clown,  but  now  I  am  on  an  evening 
newspaper." 

We  are  grateful  to  Russia  for  her  efforts,  but,  as  our  artist 
shows  above,  the  plain  person  is  apparently  uncertain  as  to  the 
quality  of  our  Ally. 

We  are  glad  to  learn  that,  on  the  suggestion  of  Mr.  Asquith, 
the  Lord  Mayor's  banquet  will  be  "of  a  simple  nature." 
Apropos  of  diet,  an  officer  expecting  leave  writes  :  "My  London 
programme  is  fixed;  first  a  Turkish  bath,  and  then  a  nice  fried 
sole."  History  repeats  itself.  A  fried  sole  was  the  luxury 
which  officers  who  served  in  the  Boer  War  declared  that  they 
enjoyed  most  of  all  after  their  campaigning. 


November,  igi6. 

FRANCIS  JOSEPH  of  Austria  has  died  on  the  tottering 
throne  which  has  been  his  for  nearly  seventy  years.     In 
early  days  he  had  been  hated,  but  he  had  shown  valour. 
Later  on  he  had  shown  wisdom,  and  had  been  pitied  for  his 

ii8 


Hindenbnro  itis 


misfortunes.  It  was  a  crowning  irony  of  fate  which  condemned 
him  in  old  age  to  become  the  dupe  and  tool  of  an  Assassin. 
He  should  have  died  before  the  War— certainly  before  the 
tragedy  of  Sarajevo. 

The  British  Push  has  extended  to  the  Ancre,  and  the  Crown 
Prince,  reduced  to  the  position  of  a  pawn  in  Hindenburg's 
game,  maintains  a  precarious  hold  on  the  remote  suburbs  of 
Verdun.  Well  may  he  be  sick,  after  nine  months  of  futile 
carnage,  of  a  name  which  already  ranks  in  renown  with 
Thermopylae. 

As  the  credit  of  the  Crown  Prince  wanes,  so  the  cult  of 
Hindenburg  waxes. 


HINDENBURGITIS ;  OR,  THE  PRUSSIAN  HOME  MADE  BEAUTIFUL 

Monastir  has  been  recaptured  by  the  Serbians  and  French ; 
but  Germany  has  had  her  victories  too,  and,  continuing  her 
warfare  against  the  Red  Cross,  has  sunk  two  hospital  ships. 
Germany's  U-Boat  policy  is  going  to  win  her  the  War.  At 
least  so  Marshal  Hindenburg  says,  and  tTie  view  is  shared  by 
that  surprising  person  the  neutral  journalist.  But  in  the  mean- 
time it  subjects  the  affections  of  the  neutral  sailorman  to  a 
severe  trial. 

119 


Mr.  Ptmclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


King  GDnstantine,  however,  remains  unshaken  in  his 
devotion  to  German  interests.  He  has  also  shown  marked 
originality  by  making  up  a  Cabinet  exclusively  composed  of 
University  Professors.  But  some  critics  scent  in  his  action  a 
hint  of  compulsory  Ministerial  Service,  and  predict  Labour 
troubles. 

At  home  we  have  to  note  the  steady  set  of  the  tide  of  public 
opinion  in  favour  of  Food  Control.  The  name  of  the  Dictator 
is  not  yet  declared,  but  the  announcement  cannot  be  long 
postponed.  Whoever  he  may  be,  he  is  not  to  be  envied.  We 
have  also  to  note  the  steady  growth  on  every  side  of  Government 
bungalows — the  haunts  (if  some  critics  are  to  be  believed)  of  the 
Great  Uncombed,  even  of  the  Hidden  Hand.  The  men  of 
forty-one  were  not  wanted  last  March.  Mr.  Lloyd  George  tells 
us  that  they  are  wanted  now,  or  it  would  mean  the  loss  of  two 
Army  Corps.  The  Germans,  by  the  way,  appear  to  be  arriving 
at  a  just  conception  of  their  relative  value.  Lord  Newton  has 
informed  the  Lords  that  the  enemy  is  prepared  to  release  600 
English  civilian  prisoners  in  return  for  some  4,000  to  7,000 
Germans.  Parliament  has  developed  a  new  grievance : 
Ministers  have  confided  to  Pressmen  information  denied  to 
M.P.'s.  And  a  cruel  wrong  has  been  done  to  Erin,  according 
to  Mr.  Dillon,  by  the  application  of  Greenwich  time  to  Ireland, 
by  which  that  country  has  been  compelled  to  surrender  its 
precious  privilege  of  being  twenty-five  minutes  behind  the 
times.  The  injustice  is  so  bitter  that  it  has  reconciled  Mr.  Dillon 
and  Mr.  Healy. 

The  Premier  has  hinted  that  if  the  House  insisted  on  having 
fuller  information  than  it  receives  at  present  another  Secret 
Session  might  be  held.  When  one  considers  the  vital  problems 
on  which  Parliament  now  concentrates  its  energies — the  supply 
of  cocaine  to  dentists,  the  withholding  of  pictures  of  the  Tanks, 
etc. — one  feels  that  there  should  be  a  Secret  Session  at  least  once 
a  week.  Indeed,  if  the  House  were  to  sit  permanently  with 
closed  doors,  unobserved  and  unreported,  the  country  might  be 
all  the  better  for  it. 

It  is  the  fashion  in  some  quarters  to  make  out  that  fathers 
do  not  realise  the  sacrifice  made  by  their  sons,  but  complacently 
acquiesce  in  it  while  they  sit  comfortably  at  home  over  the  fire. 

120 


uiAiB^lt^^' 


A  STRAIN  ON  THE   AFFECTIONS 

Norwegian    (to    Swede):    "What — you    here.   too.     I    thought 
you  were  a  friend  of  Germany  ?  " 
Swede  :  *'  I  was." 


121 


Mr.  Picnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 

Mr.  Punch  has  not  met  these  fathers.  The  fathers — ^and  still 
more  the  mothers — that  he  knows  recognise  only  too  well  the 
unpayable  nature  of  their  debt. 

They  held,  against  the  storms  of  fate, 

In  war's  tremendous  game, 
A  little  land  inviolate 

Within  a  world  of  flame. 

They  looked  on  scarred  and  ruined  lands, 

On  shell-wrecked  fields  forlorn, 
And  gave  to  us,  with  open  hands, 

Full  fields  of  yellow  corn; 

The  silence  wrought  in  wood  and  stone 

Whose  aisles  our  falJiers  trod ; 
The  pines  that  stand  apart,   alone. 

Like  sentinels  of  God. 

—  •  •  « 

With  generous  hands  they  paid  the  price. 

Unconscious  of  tlie  cost. 
But  we  must  gauge  the  sacrifice 

By   all  that  they  have  lost. 

The  joy  of  young  adventurous  ways. 

Of  keen  and  undimmed  sight, 
The  eager  tramp  through  sunny  days, 

The  dreamless  sleep  of  night. 

The  happy  hours  that  come  and  go, 

In  youth's  untiring  quest. 
They  gave,  because  they  willed  it  so. 

With  some  light-hearted  jest. 

No  lavish  love  of  future  years. 

No  passionate  regret. 
No  gift  of  sacrifice  or  tears 

Can  ever  pay  the  debt. 

Yet  if  ever  you  try  to  express  this  indebtedness  to  the 
v/onderful  young  men  who  survive,  they  turn  the  whole  thing 
into  a  jest  and  tell  you,  for  example,  that  only  two  things  really 
interest  them,  "Europe  and  their  stomachs" — nothing  in 
between  matters. 

122 


Another  Secret  Session 


Pat  (examining  fare)  ;  "  May  the  divil  destroy  the  Germans  !  " 

Sub  :    "  Well,   they   don't   do    you   much   harm,   anyway.     You    don't   get   near 

enough  to  'em," 

PaT:  "Do  they  not,  thin  ?     Have   they   not  kilt  all   the  half-crown  officers  and 

left  nothing  but  the  shillin'  ones  ?  " 

Guy  Fawkes  Day  has  come  and  gone  without  fireworks, 
pursuant  to  the  Defence  of  the  Realm  Act.  Even  Parliament 
omitted  to  sit.  Apropos  of  Secret  Sessions,  Lord  Northcliffe  has 
been  accused  of  having  had  one  all  to  himself  and  some  five 
hundred  other  gentlemen  at  a  club  luncheon.  The  Daily  Mail 
describes  the  debate  on  the  subject  as  a  "gross  waste  of  time," 
which  seems  to  come  perilously  near  lese-majeste!  But  then,  as 
a  writer  in  the  Evening  News — another  NorthclifTe  paper — 
safely  observes,  "  It  is  the  failing  of  many  people  to  say  what 
they  think  without  thinking." 


123 


Mr,  P^mcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Dece7nber^  igi6. 

RUMANIA  has  unhappily  given  Germany  the  chance  of  a 
cheap  and  spectacular  triumph — of  which,  after  being 
■  badly  pounded  on  the  Somme,  she  was  sorely  in  need. 
Here  was  a  comparatively  small  nation,  whom  the  Germans 
could  crush  under  their  heel  as  they  had  crushed  Belgium  and 
Serbia.  So  in  Rumania  they  concentrated  all  the  men  they 
could  spare  from  other  fronts  and  put  them  under  their  best 
generals.  Their  first  plans  were  thwarted,  but  eventually  the 
big  guns  had  their  way  and  Bukarest  fell.  Then,  after  the  usual 
display  of  bunting  and  joy-bells  in  Berlin,  was  the  moment  to 
make  a  noble  offer  of  peace.  The  German  peace  overtures  re- 
mind one  of  Mr.  Punch's  correspondents  of  the  American 
advertisement:  "If  John  Robinson,  with  whose  wife  I  eloped 
six  months  ago,  will  take  her  back,  all  will  be  forgiven." 

The  shadowy  proposals  of  those  who  preach  humanity  while 
they  practise  unrestricted  frightfulness  have  not  deceived  the 
Allies.  They  know,  and  have  let  the  enemy  know,  that  they 
must  go  on  until  they  have  made  sure  of  an  enduring  peace  by 
reducing  the  Central  Empires  to  impotence  for  evil. 

When  Mr.  Asquith  announced  in  the  House  on  December  4 
the  King's  approval  of  Reconstruction,  few  Members  guessed  that 
in  twenty-four  hours  he  would  have  ceased  to  be  Prime  Minister 
and  that  Mr.  Lloyd  George  would  have  begun  Cabinet-making. 
There  has  been  much  talk  of  intrigue.  But  John  Bull  doesn't 
care  who  leads  the  country  so  long  as  he  leads  it  to  victory. 
And  as  for  Certain  People  Somewhere  in  France,  we  shall 
probably  not  be  far  wrong  in  interpreting  their  view  of  the 
present  change  as  follows  : 

Thank  God,  we  keep  no  politicians  here ; 

Fighting's  our  game,  not  talking;  all  we  ask 
Is  men  and  means  to  face  the  coming  year 
And  consummate  our  task. 

Give  us  the  strongest  leaders  you  can   find, 

Tory  or  Liberal,  not  a  toss  care  we. 
So  they  are  swift  to  act  and  know  their  mind 
Too  well  to  wait  and  see. 

1-4 


THE   RETURN   OF   THE    MOCK  TURTLE-DOVE 


I  (breathlessly):  "Well?" 


Kaiser 

Bethmann-Hollwegj 

The  Bird  :  "  Wouldn't  even  look  at  me  !  " 


125 


Mr.  PuncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


The  ultimate  verdict  on  Mr.  Asquith's  services  to  the  State 
as  Prime  Minister  for  the  first  two  and  a  half  years  of  the 
War  will  not  be  founded  on  the  Press  Campaign  which  has 
helped  to  secure  his  downfall.  But,  as  one  of  the  most  bitterly 
and  unjustly  assailed  ex-Ministers  has  said,  "personal  reputa- 
tions must  wait  till  the  end  of  the  War."  Meanwhile,  we  have 
a  Premier  who,  whatever  his  faults,  cannot  be  charged  with 
supineness. 


THE     NEW    CONDUCTOR 

Opening  of  tlic  1917  Overture. 

Mr.  Bonar  Law,  the  new  Leader  of  the  House,  has  made  his 
first  appearance  as  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer.  Moving  a 
further  Vote  of  Credit  for  400  millions,  he  disclosed  the  fact 
that  the  daily  cost  of  the  War  was  nearer  six  than  five  millions. 
In  regard  to  the  peace  proposals  he  found  himself  unable  to 
better  the  late  Prime  Minister's  statement  that  the  Allies  would 

126 


Willie  Redmond's  Speech 


require  "adequate  reparation  for  the  past  and  adequate  security 
for  the  future."  In  lucidity  and  dignity  of  statement  Mr. 
Asquith  was  certainly  above  criticism.  Lord  Devonport  has 
been  appointed  Food  Controller  and  warned  us  of  rigours  to 
come.  The  most  thrilling  speech  heard  at  Westminster  this 
month  has  been  that  of  Major  Willie  Redmond,  fresh  from  the 
invigorating  atmosphere  of  the  front.  While  some  seventy  odd 
Nationalist  Members  are  mainly  occupied  in  broodino-  over 
Ireland's  woes,  two  are  serving  in  the  trenches — William 
Redmond  and  Stephen  Gwynn,  both  of  them  middle-aged  men. 
O  si  sic  omnesl 

Our  wounded  need  all  their  patience  to  put  up  with  the 
curiosity  of  non-combatants.  A  lady,  after  asking  a  Tommy 
on  leave  what  the  stripes  on  his  arm  were  for,  being  told  that 
they  were  one  for  each  time  he  was  wounded,  is  reported  to 
have  observed,  "Dear  me  !  How  extraordinary  that  you  should 
be  wounded  three  times  in  the  same  place  !  "  Even  real  affection 
is  not  always  happily  expressed. 


"  Have  you  brought  me  any  souvenirs  ?  " 

•'  Only  this  little  bullet  that  the  doctor  took  out  of  my  side." 

'  I  wish  it  had  been  a  German  helmet." 


127 


Mr,  PuncHs  History  of  the  Great  War 


The  tenderness  with  which  King  Constantine  is  still  treated, 
even  after  the  riot  in  Athens  in  which  our  bluejackets  have 
been  badly  mishandled,  is  taxing  the  patience  of  moderate  men. 
Mr.  Punch,  for  example,  exasperated  by  the  cumulative  effect  of 
Tino's  misdeeds,  has  been  goaded  into  making  a  formidable 
forecast  of  surrender  or  exit : 

You  say  your  single  aim  is  just  to  use 

Your   regal  gifts   for   your  beloved    nation; 

Why,   then,   I  see  the  obvious  line  to  choose, 
Meaning,  of  course,  the  path  of  abdication ; 

Make  up  your  so-called  mind — I  frankly  would — 

To  leave  your  country  for  your  country's  good. 

The  German  Emperor  was  prevented  from  being  present  at 
the  funeral  of  the  late  Emperor  Francis  Joseph  by  a  chill.  One 
is  tempted  to  think  that  in  a  lucid  interval  of  self-criticism 
William  of  Hohenzollern  may  have  wished  to  spare  his  aged 
victim  this  crowning  mockery. 

Motto  for  Meatless  Days  :  "The  time  is  out  of  joint,"  This 
is  a  raison  de  plus  for  establishing  an  Entente  in  the  kitchen 
and  getting  Marianne  to  show  Britannia  how  to  cook  a  cabbage. 


January,  igiy. 

THOUGH  the  chariots  of  War  still  drive  heavily,  1917 
finds  the  Allies  in  good  heart — "war-weary  but  war- 
hardened."  The  long  agony  of  Verdun  has  ended  in 
triumph  for  the  French,  and  Great  Britain  has  answered  the 
Peace  Talk  of  Berlin  by  calling  a  War  Conference  of  the 
Empire.  The  New  Year  has  brought  us  a  new  Prime 
Minister,  a  new  Cabinet,  a  new  style  of  Minister.  Captains 
of  Commerce  are  diverted  from  their  own  business  for  the 
benefit  of  the  country.  In  spite  of  all  rumours  to  the  contrary 
Lord  Northcliffe  remains  outside  the  new  Government,  but  his 
interest  in  it  is,  at  present,  friendly.  It  is  very  well  understood, 
however,  that  everyone  must  behave.  And  in  this  context  Mr. 
Punch  feels  that  a  tribute  is  due  to  the  outgoing  Premier. 
Always  reserved  and  intent,   he  discouraged  Press  gossip  to 

128 


THE   DAWN   OF   DOUBT 

GretCHEN:  "  I  wonder  if  this  gentleman  really  is  my  good  angel 
after  all ! " 


T2g 


Mr.  Punch's  History  of  the  Great  War 


such  a  degree  as  actually  to  have  turned  the  key  on  the  Tenth 
Muse.  Interviewers  had  no  chance.  He  came  into  office,  held 
it  and  left  it  without  a  single  concession  to  Demos'  love  of 
personalia. 

Germany  has  not  yet  changed  her  Chancellor,  though  he  is 
being  bitterly  attacked  for  his  "silly  ideas  of  humanity" — and 
her  rulers  have  certainly  shown  no  change  of  heart.  General 
von  Bissing's  retirement  from  Belgium  is  due  to  health,  not 
repentance.  The  Kaiser  still  talks  of  his  "conscience"  and 
"courage"  in  freeing  the  world  from  the  pressure  which 
weighs  upon  all.  He  is  still  the  same  Kaiser  and  Constantine 
the  same  "Tino,"  who,  as  the  Berliner  Tageblatt  bluntly 
remarks,  "has  as  much  right  to  be  heard  as  a  common 
criminal."  Yet  signs  are  not  wanting  of  misgivings  in  the 
German  people. 

Mr.  Wilson  has  launched  a  new  phrase  on  the  world — 
"  Peace  without  Victory  " ;  but  War  is  not  going  to  be 
ended  by  phrases,  and  the  man  who  is  doing  more  than  any- 
one else  to  end  it — the  British  infantryman — has  no  use  for 
them  : 

The  gunner  rides  on  horseback,   he  lives  in  luxury, 

The  sapper  has  his  dug-out  as  cushy  as  can  be. 

The  flying  man's  a  sportsman,  but  his  home's  a  long  way  back, 

In  painted  tent  or  straw-spread  barn  or  cosy  little  shack ; 

Gunner  and  sapper  and  flying  man  (and  each  to  his  job  say  I) 

Have  tickled  the   Hun  with   mine  or  gun  or  bombed  him  from  on 

high. 
But  the  quiet  work,  and  the  dirty  work,  since  ever  the  War  began, 
Is  the  work  that  never  shows  at  all,  tlic  work  of  the  infantryman. 

The  guns  can   pound   the  villages  and  smash   the   trenches   in, 
And  the   Hun  is  fain  for  home  again   when  the  T. M.B.s  begin, 
And  the  Vickers  gun  is  a  useful  one  to  sweep  a  parapet, 
But  the  real  work  is  the  work  that's  done  with  bomb  and  bayonet. 
Load  him  down  from  heel   to  crown  with   tools  and  grub  and  kit, 
He's  always  there  where  the  fighting  is — he's  there  unless  he's  hit; 
Over  the  mud  and  the  blasted  earth  he  goes  where  the  living  can  ; 
He's  in  at  the  death  while  he  yet  has  breath,  the  British  infantry- 
man ! 

130 


The  Spirit  of  the  New  Armies 


Trudg-e  and  slip  on  the  shell-hole's  lip,  and  fall  in  the  clinging  mire- 
Steady  in  front,  go  steady  !     Close  up  there  !     Mind  the  wire  ! 
Double  behind  where  the  pathways  wind  !     Jump  clear  of  the  ditch 
jump  clear !  ' 

Lost  touch  at  the  back?     Oh,  halt  in  front!     And  duck  when  the 

shells  come  near  ! 
Carrying-  parties  all  night  long,  all  day  in  a  muddy  trench, 
With  your  feet  in  the  wet  and  your  head  in  the  rain  and  the  sodden 

khaki's  stench  ! 
Then  over  the  top  in  the  morning-,  and  onward  all  you  can— 
This  is  the  work  that  wins  the  War,  the  work  of  the  infantryman, 

And  if  anyone  should  think  that  this  means  the  permanent 
establishment  of  militarism  in  our  midst  let  him  be  comforted 
by  the  saying  of  an  old  sergeant-major  when  asked  to  give  a 
character  of  one  of  his  men.    "He's  a  good  man  in  the  trenches, 
and  a  good  man  in  a  scrap;  but  you'll  never  make  a  soldier  of 
him.       The  new  armies  fight  all  the  harder  because  they  want 
to  make  an  end  not  of  this  war  but  of  all  wars.     As  for  the 
regulars,  there  is  no  need  to  enlarge  on  their  valour.     But  it  is 
pleasant  to  put  on  record  the  description  of  an  officer's  servant 
which   has  reached   Mr.    Punch   from    France:    "Valet     cook 
porter,    boots,    chamber-maid,    ostler,    carpenter,    upholsterer', 
mechanic,      inventor,      needlewoman,      coalheaver,     diplomat, 
barber,   linguist  (home-made),  clerk,   universal  provider,  com- 
plete   pantechnicon    and    infallible   bodyguard,    he    is   also   a 
soldier,  if  a  very  old  soldier,  and  a  man  of  the  most  human 
kind. 

Parliament  is  not  sitting,  but  there  is,  unfortunately,  no 
truth  in  the  report  that  in  order  to  provide  hillets  for  5,000  new 
typists  and  incidentally  to  win  the  War,  the  Government  has 
commandeered  the  Houses  of  Parliament.  The  Times  Literary 
Supplement  received  335  books  of  original  verse  in  igi6,  and  it 
|S  rumoured  that  Mr.  Edward  Marsh  may  very  shortly  take  up 
his  duties  as  Minister  of  Poetry  and  the  Fine  Arts.  Mr  Marsh 
has  not  yet  decided  whether  he  will  appoint  Mr.  Asquith  or 
Mr.  Winston  Churchill  as  his  private  secretary.  Meanwhile, 
a  full  list  of  the  private  secretaries  of  the  new  private  secretaries 
of  the  members  of  the  new  Government  may  at  any  moment  be 
disclosed  to  a  long  suffering  public. 

131 


Mr.  PujicJis  History  of  tfie  Great  War 


On  the  Home  Front  the  situation  shows  that  a  famous 
literary  critic  was  also  a  true  prophet  : 

O  Matthew  Arnold  !     Vou  were  rig-ht  : 
We  need  more  Sweetness  and  more  Lig-ht; 
For  till  we  break  the  brutal  foe, 
Our  sugar's  short,  our  lights  are  low. 

The  domestic  problem  daily  grows  more  acute.  A  maid, 
who  asked  for  a  rise  in  her  wjiges  to  which  her  mistress 
demurred,  explained  that  the  gentleman  she  walked  out  with 
had  just  got  a  job  in  a  munition  factory  and  she  would  be 
obliged  to  dress  up  to  him. 


Cook  (who,  afler  interview  with  prospective  mistress,  is  Roing  lo  think  it  over)  : 
"  'UIlo  !  Prambilator  !  If  you'd  lold  me  you  'ad  children  1  needn't  have  troubled 
meself  to  'ave  come." 

The  PROsrECTivE  Mistress  :  "  Oh  !  B-but  if  you  think  the  place  would  other- 
wise suit  you,  I  dare  say  we  could  board  the  children  out." 

Maids  are  human,  however,  though  their  psychology  is 
vSometimes  disconcerting.  One  who  was  told  by  her  mistress 
not  to  worry  because  her  young  man  had  gone  into  the  trenches 
responded  cheerfully,  "Oh,  no,  ma'am,  I've  left  off  worrying 
now.    He  can't  walk  out  with  anyone  else  while  he's  there." 

132 


ttr^      ^-Cf' 


THE   RECRUIT  WHO  TOOK   TO   IT  KINDLY 


133 


Mr.  Ptmclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


February,  igi^. 

THE  rulers  of  Germany — the  Kaiser  and  his  War-lords — 
proclaimed  themselves  the  enemies  of  the  human  race  in 
the  first  weeks  of  the  War.  But  it  has  taken  two  years 
and  a  half  to  break  down  the  apparently  inexhaustible  patience 
of  the  greatest  of  the  neutrals.  A  year  and  three-quarters  has 
elapsed  since  the  sinking  of  the  Lusitania.  The  forbearance  of 
President  Wilson — in  the  face  of  accumulated  insults,  inter- 
ference in  the  internal  politics  of  the  United  States,  the  pro- 
motion of  strikes  and  sabotage  by  the  agents  of  Count 
BernstorfT — has  exposed  him  to  hard  and  even  bitter  criticism 
from  his  countrymen.  Perhaps  he  over-estimated  the  strength 
of  the  German-American  and  Pacificist  elements.  But  his 
difficulties  are  great,  and  his  long  suffering  diplomacy  has  at 
least  this  merit,  that  if  America  enters  the  War  it  will  be  as  a 
united  people.  Germany's  decision  to  resort  to  unrestricted 
submarine  warfare  on  February  i  is  the  last  straw  :  now  even 
Mr.  Henry  Ford  has  offered  to  place  his  works  at  the  disposal 
of  the  American  authorities. 

Day  by  day  we  read  long  lists  of  merchant  vessels  sunk  by 
U-boats,  and  while  the  Admiralty's  reticence  on  the  progress 
of  the  anti-submarine  campaign  is  legitimate  and  necessary, 
the  withholding  of  statistics  of  new  construction  does  not  make 
for  optimism.  Victory  will  be  ours,  but  not  without  effort.  The 
great  crisis  of  the  War  is  not  passed.  That  has  been  the  burden 
of  all  the  speeches  at  the  opening  of  Parliament  from  the 
King's  downward. 

Lord  Curzon,  who  declared  that  we  were  now  approaching 
"the  supreme  and  terrible  climax  of  the  War,"  has  spoken  of 
the  late  Duke  of  Norfolk  as  a  man  "diffident  about  powers 
which  were  in  excess  of  the  ordinary."  Is  not  that  true  of  the 
British  race  as  a  whole  ?  Only  now,  under  the  stress  of  a  long- 
drawn-out  conflict,  is  it  discovering  the  variety  and  strength  of 
its  latent  forces.  The  tide  is  turning  rapidly  in  Mesopotamia. 
General  Maude,  who  never  failed  to  inspire  the  men  under  his 
command  on  the  Western  front  with  a  fine  offensive  spirit,  has 
already  justified  his  appointment  by  capturing  Kut,  and  starting 
on  a  great  drive  towards  Baghdad. 

134 


THE   LAST  THROW 


«35 


Mr.  Pitncli  s  History  oj  the  Great  War 


On  the  Salonika  front,  to  quote  from  one  of  Mr.  Punch's 
ever-increasing  staff  of  correspondents,  "all  our  prospects  are 
pleasing  and  only  Bulgar  vile."  On  the  Western  front  the 
British  have  taken  Grandcourt,  and  our  "Mudlarks,"  encamped 
on  an  ocean  of  ooze,  preserve  a  miraculous  equanimity  in  spite 
of  the  attention  of  rats  and  cockroaches  and  the  vagaries  of 
the  transport  mule. 


Head    of    Government    Department  (in   his   private   room  in   recently  com- 
mandeered  hotel)  :  "  Boy  !     Bring    some   more   coal !  ** 

At  home  the  commandeering  of  hotels  to  house  the  new 
Ministries  proceeds  apace,  and  a  request  from  an  inquiring  peer 
for  a  comprehensive  return  of  all  the  buildings  requisitioned 
and  the  staffs  employed  has  been  declined  on  the  ground  that 
to  provide  it  would  put  too  great  a  strain  on  officials  engaged 
on  work  essential  to  winning  the  War. 

The  criticisms  on  the  late  Cabinet  for  its  bloated  size  have 
certainly  not  led  to  any  improvement  in  this  respect,  and  one 
of  the  late  Ministers  has  complained  that  the  Administration 
has  been  further  magnified  until,  if  all  its  members,  including 
under-secretaries,  were  present,  they  would  fill  not  one  but 
three  Treasury  Benches.  Already  this  is  a  much  congested 
district  at  question-time  and  the  daily  scene  of  a  great  push. 

136 


Ministers  and  their  Cintics 


Up  to  the  present  there  are,  however,  only  thirty-three  actual 
Ministers  of  the  Crown,  and  their  salaries  only  amount  to  the 
trifle  of  ;^  133,000.  The  setting  up  of  a  War  Cabinet,  "a  body 
utterly  unknown  to  the  law,"  has  excited  the  resentment  of 
Mr.  Swift  MacNeill,  whose  reverence  for  the  Constitution  (save 
in  so  far  as  it  applies  to  Ireland)  knows  no  bounds;  and  Mr. 
Lynch  has  expressed  the  view  that  it  would  be  a  good  idea  if 
Ireland  were  specially  represented  at  the  Peace  Conference,  in 
order  that  her  delegates  might  assert  her  right  to  self-government. 
England,  in  February,  1917,  seems  to  deserve  the  title  of 
"the  great  Loan  Land."  Amateurs  of  anagrams  have  found 
satisfaction  in  the 
identity  of 
"Bonar  Law" 
with  "War  Loan 
B."  As  a  cynic 
has  remarked,  "in 
the  midst  of  life 
we  are  in  debt." 
But  the  cham- 
pions of  national 
economy  are  not 
happy.  The  staff 
of  the  new  Pen- 
sions Minister,  it 
is  announced, 
will  be  over  two 
thousand.  It  is 
still  hoped,  how- 
ever, that  there 
may  be  a  small 
surplus  which  can 
be  devoted  to  the 
needs  of  disabled 
soldi  ers.  Our 
great  warriors  are 
in  danger  of  being 
swamped  by  our 
small  but  innu- 
merable officials. 


A   PLAIN   DUTY 

"  Well,  good-bye,  old  chap,  and  good  luck  !  I'm 
going  in  here  to  do  my  bit,  the  best  way  I  can.  The 
more  everybody  scrapes  together  for  the  War  Loan, 
the  sooner  you'll  be  back  from  the  trenches." 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


The  older  Universities,  given  over  for  two  years  to 
wounded  soldiers  and  a  handful  of  physically  unfit  or  coloured 
undergraduates,  are  regaining  a  semblance  of  life  by  the 
housing  of  cadet  battalions  in  some  colleges.  The  Rhodes 
scholars  have  all  joined  up,  and  normal  academic  life  is  still  in 
abeyance ; 

In  Tom  his  Quad  tlie  Bloods  no  long^er  flourish ; 

Balliol   is  bare  of  all   but  mild    Hindoos; 
The  stalwart  oars  that  Isis  used  to  nourish 

Are   in   the   trenches  giving-   Fritz  the   Blues, 
And   many   a   stout   D.D. 

Is  digging  trenches  with  the  V.T.C. 

It  is  true  that  Mr.  Bernard  Shaw  has  visited  the  front.  No 
reason  is  assigned  for  this  rash  act,  and  too  little  has  been 
made  of   the  fact  that   he   wore   khaki — just  like   an   ordinary 


The  Brothers  Tingo,  who  are  exempted   from   militory  service,  do  their   bit   by 
helping  to  train  ladies  who  are  going  on  the  land. 


The  End  of  Tsardom 


person.    Amongst  other  signs  of  the  times  we  note  that  women 
are  to  be  licensed  as  taxi-drivers  ; 

War   has   taught   the   truth    that   shines 
Through   the   poet's   noble  lines  : 
"Common  are  to  either  sex 
Artifex  and  opijex." 

A  new  danger  is  involved  in  the  spread  of  the  Army 
Signalling  Alphabet.  The  names  of  Societies  are  threatened. 
The  dignity  of  Degrees  is  menaced  by  a  code  which  converts 
B.A.  into  Beer  Ack.  Initials  are  no  longer  sacred,  and  the 
great  T.P.  will  become  Toe  Pip  O'Connor,  unless  some  Emma 
Pip  introduces  ^  Bill  to  prevent  the  sacrilege. 


March,  igiy. 

WITH  the  end  of  Tsardom  in  Russia,  the  fall  of  Baghdad, 
and  the  strategic  retreat  of  Hindenburg  on  the  Western 
front,  all  crowded  into  one  month,  March  fully  main- 
tains its  reputation  for  making  history  at  the  expense  of  Csesars 
and  Kaisers.     It  seems  only   the  other  day   when   the  Tsar's 
assumption  of  the  title  of  Generalissimo  lent  new  strength  to 
the  legend  of  the  "Little  Father."     But  the  forces  of  "unholy 
Russia  "—Pro-German    Ministers    and    the   sinister    figure   of 
Rasputin — have  combined  to  his  undoing,  and  now  none  is  so 
poor  to  do  him  reverence.    In  the  House  of  Commons  everybody 
seems  pleased,  including  Mr.  Devlin,  who  has  been  quite  states- 
manlike in  his  appreciation,  and  the  Prime  Minister,  in  one  of 
his  angelic  visits  to  the  House,  evoked  loud  cheers  by  describing 
the  Revolution  as  one  of  the  landmarks  in  the  history  of  the 
world.       But     no    one     noticed    that    Sir    Henry     Campbell- 
Bannerman's  outburst   in    1906,    just   after   the   dissolution   of 
Russia's  first  elected  Parliament:   "La  Duma  est  morte ;  vive 
la  Duma!  "  has  now  been  justified  by  the  event — at  any  rate 
for  the  moment,  for  Revolutions  are  rich  in  surprises  and  re- 
actions.   The  capture  of  Baghdad  inspires  no  misgivings,  except 
in  the  bosoms  of  Nationalist  members,  who  detect  in  the  mani- 

139 


Mr.  Piniclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


festo  issued  by  General  Maude  fresh  evidences  of  British 
hypocrisy 

The  fleet  of  Dutch  merchantmen,  which  has  been  sunk  by 
a  waiting  submarine,  sailed  under  a  German  guarantee  of  "re- 
lative security."  Germany  is  so  often  misunderstood.  It 
should  be  obvious  by  this  time  that  her  attitude  to  International 
Law  has  always  been  one  of  approximate  reverence.  The  shells 
with  which  she  bombarded  Rheims  Cathedral  were  contingent 
shells,  and  the  Lusitania  was  sunk  by  a  relative  torpedo. 
Neutrals  all  over  the  world,  who  are  smarting  just  now  under 
a' fresh  manifestation  of  Germany's  respective  goodwill,  should 
try  to  realise  before  they  take  any  action  what  is  the  precise 
situation  of  our  chief  enemy  :  He  has  (relatively)  won  the  War; 
he  has  (virtually)  broken  the  resistance  of  the  Allies;  he  has 
(conditionally)  ample  supplies  for  his  people;  in  particular  he 
is  (morally)  rich  in  potatoes.  His  finances  at  first  sight  appear 
to  be  pretty  heavily  involved,  but  that  soon  will  be  adjusted 
by  (hypothetical)  indemnities;  he  has  enormous  (proportional) 
reserves  of  men;  he  has  (theoretically)  blockaded  Great  Britain, 
and  his  final  victory  is  (controvertibly)  at  hand.  But  his  most 
impressive  argument,  which  cannot  fail  to  come  home  to 
hesitating  Neutrals,  is  to  be  found  in  his  latest  exhibition  of 
offensive  power,  namely,  in  his  (putative)  advance — upon  the 
Ancre. 

A  grave  statement  made  by  the  Under-Secretary  for  War  as 
to  the  recent  losses  of  the  Royal  Flying  Corps  on  the  Western 
front  and  the  increased  activity  of  the  German  airmen  has 
created  some  natural  depression.  The  command  of  the 
air  fluctuates,  but  the  spirit  of  our  airmen  is  a  sure  earnest 
that  the  balance  will  be  redressed  in  our  favour.  Mr.  Punch 
has  already  paid  his  tribute  to  the  British  infantryman.  Let 
him  now  do  his  homage  to  the  heroes  whose  end  is  so  often 
disguised  under  the  laconic  announcement:  "One  of  our 
machines  did  not  return." 

I  like  to  think  it  did  not  fall  to  earth, 

A    wounded  bird   that  trails  a  broken   wing-, 

But  to  the  heavenly  blue  that  gave  it  birth, 
Faded  in  silence,   a  mysterious  thing, 
140 


P^        M  "1' 
C     C 

o  -c  « 

CO        3  — 

*^        O     CO 

>,  J: 


5  Q 


141 


Mr,  PttncHs  History  of  the  Great  War 


Cleaving  its  radiant  course   where  honour  lies 
Like  a  winged  victory  mounting  to  the  skies. 

The  clouds  received  it,  and  the  pathless  night; 

Swift  as  a  flame,   its  eager  force  unspent, 
We  saw  no  limit  to  its  daring  flight; 

Only  its  pilot  knew  the  way  it  went, 
And   how   it   pierced   the   maze  of   flickering  stars 
Straight  to  its  goal  in  the  red  planet  Mars. 

So  to  the  entrance  of  that  fiery  gate, 

Borne  by  no  current,  driven  by  no  breeze, 

Knowing  no  guide  but  some  compelling  fate, 
Bold  navigators  of  uncharted  seas. 

Courage  and  youth  went  proudly  sweeping  by. 

To  win  the  unchallenged  freedom  of  the  sky. 

Parliament  has  been  ocojpied  with  many  matters,  from  the 
Report  of  the  Dardanelles  Commission  to  the  grievances  of 
Scots  bee-keepers.  The  woes  of  Ireland  have  not  been  for- 
gotten, and  the  Nationalists  have  been  busily  engaged  in  getting 
Home  Rule  out  of  cold  storage.  Hitherto  every  attempt  of  the 
British  Sisyphus  to  roll  the  Stone  of  Destiny  up  the  Hill  of 
Tara  has  found  a  couple  of  Irishmen  at  the  top  ready  to  roll 
it  down  again.  Let  us  hope  that  this  time  they  will  co-operate 
to  install  it  there  as  the  throne  of  a  loyal  and  united  Ireland. 
Believers  in  the  "Hidden  Hand  "  have  been  on  the  war-path, 
and  as  a  result  of  prolonged  discussion  as  to  the  responsibility 
for  the  failure  of  the  effort  to  force  the  Dardanelles,  the  House 
is  evidently  of  opinion  that  Lord  Fisher  might  now  be  let  alone 
by  foes  and  friends.  The  idea  of  blaming  Queen  Elizabeth 
for  the  fiasco  is  so  entirely  satisfactory  to  all  parties  concerned 
that  one  wonders  why  the  Commission  couldn't  have  thought 
of  that  itself. 

Mr.  Bernard  Shaw,  returned  from  his  "joy-ride"  at  the  Front, 
has  declared  that  "there  is  no  monument  more  enduring  than 
brass";  the  general  feeling,  however,  is  that  there  is  a  kind 
of  brass  that  is  beyond  enduring.  Armageddon  is  justified 
since  it  has  given  him  a  perfectly  glorious  time.  He  is  obliged, 
in  honesty,  to  state  that  the  stvie  of  some  of  the  buildings 
wrecked  by  the  Germans  was  quite  second  rate.     He  entered 

142 


THE  INFECTIOUS  HORNPIPE 


143 


Mr,  PtmcJi s  History  of  the  Great  War 


and  emerged  from  the  battle  zone  without  any  vulgar  emotion; 
remaining  immune  from  pity,  sorrow,  or  tears.     In  short : 

He  went  throug'h  the  fiery  furnace,  but  never  a  hair  was  missed 
From  the  heels  of  our  most  colossal  Arch-Super- Egotist. 

According  to  the  latest  news  from  Sofia,  35,000  Bulgarian 
geese  are  to  be  allowed  to  go  to  Germany.  As  in  the  case  of 
the  Bulgarian  Fox  who  went  to  Vienna,  there  appears  to  be 
little  likelihood  that  they  will  ever  return. 


FOOD   RESTRICTION 

Scene:  Hotel. 

Little  Girl  :   "  Oh,  Mummy  !     They've  given  me  a  dirty  plate." 
Mother  :     "  Hush,  darling.     That's  the  soup." 

Apropos  of  food  supplies.  Lord  Devonport  has  developed  a 
sense  of  judicial  humour,  having  approved  a  new  dietary  for 
prisoners,  under  which  the  bread  ration  will  be  cut  down  to 
63  ounces  per  week,  or  just  one  ounce  less  than  the  allowance  of 
the  free  and  independent  Englishman.  The  latest  morning 
greeting  is  now:   "Comment  vous  Devonportes-vous?  " 

144 


America  Entej's  the   War 


April,  igiy. 

ONCE  more  the  rulers  of  Germany  have  failed  to  read  the 
soul  of  another   nation.     They   thought  there  was  no 
limit  to  America's  forbearance,  and  they  thought  wrong. 
America  is  now  "all  in  "  on  the  side  of  the  Allies.     The  Stars 
and  Stripes  and  the  Union  Jack  are  flying  side  by  side  over 
the  Houses  of  Parliament.     On  the  motion  introduced  in  both 
Houses  to  welcome  our  new  Ally,  Mr.  Bonar  Law,  paraphrasing 
Cannmg,  declared  that  the  New  World  had  stepped  in  to  redress 
the  balance  of  the  old;  Mr.  Asquith,  with  a  fellow-feeling,  no 
doubt,  lauded  the  patience  which  had  enabled  President  Wilson 
to  carry  with  him  a  united  nation;  and  Lord  Curzon  quoted 
Bret    Harte.      The    memory    of   some    unfortunate    phrases    is 
obliterated  by  the   President's  historic  message  to  Congress, 
and  his  stirring  appeal  to  his  countrymen  to  throw  their  entire 
weight  into  the  Allied  scale.     The  War,  physically  as  well  as 
morally,  is  now  Germania  contra  Munduni.    Yet,  while  we  hail 
the  advent  of  a   powerful   and   determined   Ally,    there   is   no 
disposition  to  throw  up  our  hats.     The  raw  material  of  man- 
power in  America  is  magnificent  in  numbers  and  quality,  but 
It   has   to   be   equipped   and   trained   and   brought   across   the 
Atlantic.     Many  months,  perhaps  a  whole  year,   must  elapse 
before  its  weight  can  be  felt  on  the  battle  front.    The  transport 
of  a  million  men  over  submarine-infested  seas  is  no  easy  task. 
But  while  we  must  wait  for  the  coming  of  the  Americans  on 
land,    their   help   in    patrolling   the   seas   may   be   counted  on 
speedily. 

The  British  have  entered  Peronne;  the  Canadians  have 
captured  Vimy  Ridge.  But  the  full  extent  of  German 
fnghtfulness  has  never  been  so  clearly  displayed  as  in  their 
retreat.  Here,  for  once,  the  German  account  of  their  own  doings 
is  true.  "In  the  course  of  these  last  months  great  stretches 
of  French  territory  have  been  turned  by  us  into  a  dead  country. 
It  varies  in  width  from  lo  to  12  or  13  kilometres,  and  extends 
along  the  whole  of  our  new  positions.  No  village  or  farm  was 
left  standing,  no  road  was  left  passable,  no  railway  track  or 
embankment  was  left  in  being.  Where  once  were  woods,  there 
are  gaunt  rows  of  stumps;  the  wells  have  been  blown  up.  .  . 


^  145 


Mr,  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


In  front  of  our  new  positions  runs,  like  a  gigantic  ribbon,  our 
Empire  of  Death  "  (Lokal  Anzciger,  March  i8,  1917).  The 
general  opinion  of  the  Boche  among  the  British  troops  is  that 
he  is  only  good  at  one  thing,  and  that  is  destroying  other 
people's  property.  One  of  Mr.  Punch's  correspondents  writes 
to  say  that  while  the  flattened  villages  and  severed  fruit  trees 
are  a  gruesome  spectacle,  for  him  "all  else  was  forgotten  in 
speechless  admiration  of  the  French  people. 


The  New-comer  :  "  My  village,  I  think  ?  " 

The  One  in  Possession  :    "Sorry,  old  thing;  I  took  it  Kalf-an-Kour  ago." 


"Their  self-restraint  and  adaptability  are  beyond  words. 
These  hundreds  of  honest  people,  just  relieved  from  the 
domineering  of  the  Master  Swine,  and  restored  to  their  own 
good  France  again,  were  neither  hysterical  nor  exhausted."  The 
names  of  the  new  German  lines — Wotan  and  Siegfried  and 
Hunding — are  not  without  significance.  We  accept  the  omen  : 
it  will  not  be  long  before  we  hear  of  fresh  German  activities 
in  the  Gdtterddmmerung  line.  Count  Reventlow  has  informed 
the  Kaiser  that  without  victory  a  continuation  of  the  Monarchy 
is  improbable.     The  "repercussion  "  of  Revolution  is  making 

146 


SWOOPING   FROM  THE  WEST 

(//  is  the  intention  of  our  new  Alh  to  assist  us  in  the  pairoUim 
of  the  Atlantic.) 


147 


Mr.  PttncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


itself  felt.  Even  the  Crown  Prince  is  reported  to  have  felt 
misgivings  as  to  the  infection  of  anti-monarchial  ideas,  and 
Mr.  Punch  is  moved  to  forecast  possibilities  of  upheaval : 

Not  that  the  Teuton's  stolid  wits 

Are  built  to  plan  so  rude  a  plot ; 
Somehow  I  cannot  picture  Fritz 

Careering-  as  a  sans-culotte ; 
Schooled  to  obedience,   hand  and  heart, 

I  can  imagine  nothing  odder 
Than   such  behaviour  on   the   part 

Of  inoffensive  cannon-fodder. 

And  yet  one  never  really  knows. 

Vou  cannot  feed  his  massive  trunk 
On   fairy  tales  of  beaten  foes. 

Or  Hindenburg's  "victorious"   bunk; 
And   if  his   rations   run  too   short 

Through  this  accursed  British  blockade, 
Even  the  worm  may  turn  and  sport 

A   revolutionary  cockade. 

On  the  German  Roll  of  Dishonour  this  month  appears  the 
name  of  one  who  has  been  grande  et  conspicuum  nostro  quoque 
tempore  monstrum.  Baron  Moritz  Ferdinand  von  Bissing,  the 
German  Military  Governor-General  of  Belgium,  who  was  largely 
responsible  for  the  murder  of  Nurse  Cavell  and  the  chief  insti- 
gator of  the  infamous  Belgian  deportations,  after  being  granted 
a  rest  from  his  labours,  is  reported  to  have  died  "of  overwork." 
Here  for  once  we  find  ourselves  in  perfect  agreement  with  the 
official  German  view.  In  a  recent  character  sketch  of  the  de- 
ceased Baron,  the  Cologne  Gazette  observed,  "He  is  a  fine 
musician,  and  his  execution  was  good."     It  would  have  been. 

The  proceedings  in  Parliament  do  not  call  for  extended 
comment.  Mr.  Asquith  has  handsomely  recanted  his  hostility 
to  women's  suffrage,  admitting  that  by  their  splendid  services 
in  the  war  women  have  worked  out  their  own  electoral  salvation. 
An  old  spelling-book  used  to  tell  us  that  "it  is  agreeable  to 
watch  the  unparalleled  embarrassment  of  a  harassed  pedlar  when 
gauging  the  symmetry  of  a  peeled  pear."  Lord  Devonport, 
occupied  in  deciding  on  the  exact  architecture  and  decoration 

148 


The  Posters  we  Need 


of  the  Bath  bun  (official  sealed  pattern),  would  make  a  com- 
panion  picture.     For   the   rest  the   House   has  been   occupied 
with  the  mysteries  of  combing  and  re-combing.    The  best  War 
saying  of  the  month  was  that  of  xMr.  Swift  MacNeill,  in  refer- 
ence  to   proposed 
peace      overtures, 
that    it    would    be 
time    enough    t  o 
talk    about    peace 
when    the    Ger- 
mans    ceased     to 
blow    up    hospital 
ships. 

Although  the 
streets  may  have 
been  sweetened 
by  the  absence  of 
posters,  days  wmII 
come,  it  must 
be  remembered, 
when  we  shall 
badly  miss  them. 
It  goes  painfully 
to  one's  heart  to 
think  that  the 
embargo,  if  it  is 
ever     lifted,      will  DYNASTIC  AMENITIES 

not      be      lifted      in  little  Willie  (of  Prussia):  -As  one  Crown  Prince  to 

time     tor    most    OI  another,  isn't  your  Hindenburg  line  getting  a  bit  shaky  ?" 
the    events     which  Rupprecht  (of  Bavaria)  :    "  Well,  as  one  Crown  Prince 

we  all  most  desire  '**  another,  what  about  your  Hohenzollern  line  }  " 

—  events     that 

clamour  to  be  recorded  in  the  largest  black  type,  such  as 
"Strasbourg  French  Again,"  "Flight  of  the  Crown  Prince," 
"Revolution  in  Germany,"  "The  Kaiser  a  Captive,"  and  last 
and  best  of  all,  "Peace."  But  Mr.  Punch,  with  many  others, 
has  no  sympathy  to  spare  for  the  sorrows  of  the  headline 
artist  deprived  for  the  time  being  of  his  chief  opportunity  of 
scaremongering. 

149 


Mr.  Punch s  History  of  the  Great  War 


In  the  competition  of  heroism  and  self-sacrifice  the  prize  must 
fall  to  the  young — to  the  Tommy  and  the  Second  Lieutenant 
before  all.  Yet  a  very  good  mark  is  due  to  the  retired  Admirals 
who  have  accepted  commissions  in  the  R.N.R.,  and  are  mine- 
sweeping  or  submarine-hunting  in  command  of  trawlers.  Yes, 
"Captain  Dug-out,  R.N.R.,"  is  a  fine  disproof  of  si  vieillesse 
pouvait. 


Torpedoed  Mine-Sweeper  (to  his  pal) :  "  As  1  was  a-saying.  Bob,  when  we  was 
interrupted,  it's  my  belief  as  'ow  the  submarine  blokes  ain't  on  'arf  as  risky  a  job 
as  the  boys  in  the  airy-o-planes." 


According  to  the  Pall  Mall  Gazette,  Mr.  Lloyd  George's 
double  was  seen  at  Cardiff  the  other  day.  The  suggestion  that 
there  are  two  Lloyd  Georges  has  caused  consternation  among 
the  German  Headquarters  Staff.  But  we  are  not  exempt  from 
troubles  and  anxieties  in  England.  The  bones  of  a  woolly 
rhinoceros  have  been  dug  up  twenty-three  feet  below  the  surface 
at  High  Wycombe,  and  very  strong  language  has  been  used  in 
the  locality  concerning  this  gross  example  of  food-hoarding. 
The  weather,  too,  has  been  behaving  oddly.  On  one  day  of 
Eastertide  there  was  an  inch  of  snow  in  Liverpool,  followed  by 
hailstones,  lightning,  thunder,  and  a  gale  of  wind.  Summer 
has  certainly  arrived  very  early.  But  at  least  we  are  to  be  spared 
a  General  Election  this  year — for  fear  that  it  might  clash  with 
the  other  War. 

150 


Shortening  the  Staff  of  Life 


May,  igiy. 

IN  England,  once  but  no  longer  merry  though  not  down- 
hearted, in  this  once  merry  month  of  May,  the  question  of 
Food  and  Food  Production  now  dominates  all  others.  It  is 
the  one  subject  that  the  House  of  Commons  seems  to  care  about. 
John  Bull,  who  has  invested  a  mint  of  money  in  other  lands, 
realises  that  it  is  high  time  that  he  put  something  into  his  own 
— in  the  shape  of  Corn  Bounties.  Mr.  Prothero,  in  moving 
the  second  reading  of  the  Corn  Production  Bill,  while  admitting 
that  he  had  originally  been  opposed  to  State  interference  with 
agriculture,  showed  all  the  zeal  of  the  convert— to  the  dismay 
of  the  hard-shell  Free  Traders. 

The  Food  Controller  asks  us  to  curtail  our  consumption  of 
bread  by  one-fourth.  Here,  at  least,  non-combatants  have  an 
opportunity  of  showing  themselves  to  be  as  good  patriots  as 


'/  PATRIOTIC    -^ 
COMCER.T 


1^. 


4 

:^y 


"No,  dear,  I'm  afraid  we  shan't  be  at  the  dance  to-night.      Poor  Herbert  has 
got  a  touch  of  allotment  feet." 


Mr.  Pimcli  s  History  of  the  Great  War 


the  Germans  and  of  earning  the  epitaph  :   "Much  as  he  loved 
the  staff  of  Hfe,  he  loved  his  country  even  more." 

On  the  Western  Front  the  German  soldiers'  opinion  of 
"retirement  according  to  plan"  may  be  expressed  as  "each  for 
himself  and  the  Devil  take  the  Hindenburg."  One  of  them, 
recently  taken  prisoner,  actually  wrote,  "When  we  go  to  the 
Front  we  become  the  worst  criminals."  This  generous  attempt 
to  shield  his  superiors  deserves  to  be  appreciated,  but  it  does 
not  dispel  the  belief  that  the  worst  criminals  are  still  a  good 
way  behind  the  German  lines.  The  inspired  German  Press  has 
now  got  to  the  point  of  asserting  that  "there  is  no  Hindenburg 
line."    Well,  that  implies  prophetic  sense  : 

And  if  a  British  prophet  may 

Adopt  their  graphic  present  tense, 

I  would  remark — and  so  forestall 

A  truth  they'll  never  dare  to  trench  on — 

There  is  no  Hindenburg  at  all, 
Or  none  worth  mention. 

According  to  our  Watch  Dog  correspondent,  recent  move- 
ments show  that  the  lawless  German  "has  attained  little  by  his 
destructiveness  save  the  discomfort  of  H.Q.  Otherwise  the 
War  progresses  as  merrily  as  ever ;  more  merrily,  perhaps, 
owing  to  the  difficulties  to  be  overcome.  Soldiers  love  diffi- 
culties to  overcome.  That  is  their  business  in  life."  This  is  the 
way  that  young  officers  write  "in  the  brief  interludes  snatched 
from  hard  fighting  and  hard  fatigues."  Their  letters  "never 
pretend  to  be  more  than  the  gay  and  cynical  banter  of  those 
who  bring  to  the  perils  of  life  at  the  Front  an  incurable  habit 
of  humour,  and  they  are  typical  of  that  brave  spirit,  essentially 
English,  that  makes  light  of  the  worst  that  fate  can  send." 
That  is  how  one  brave  officer  wrote  of  the  letters  of  a  dead 
comrade  to  Punch  only  a  few  weeks  before  his  own  death. 

The  French  have  taken  Craonne;  saluting  has  been  abolished 
in  the  Russian  Army;  and  Germany  has  been  giving  practical 
proof  of  her  friendliness  to  Spain  by  torpedoing  her  merchant 
ships.  A  new  star  has  swum  into  the  Revolutionary  firmament, 
by  name  Lenin.  According  to  the  Swedish  Press  this  interest- 
ing anarchist  has  been  missing  for  two  days,  and  it  remains  to 

152 


CQ^O^ 


A   BAD   DREAM 

Spectre:  "  Well,  if  you  don't  like  the  look  of  me,  eat  less 
bread. " 


153 


Mr.  PtmcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


be  seen  if  he  will  yet  make  a  hit.     Meanwhile  the  Kaiser  is 
doing  his  bit  in  the  unfamiliar  role  of  pro-Socialist. 

Newmarket  has  become  "a  blasted  heath,"  all  horse-racing 
having  been  stopped,  to  the  great  dismay  of  the  Irish  members. 
What  are  the  hundred  thousand  young  men  (or  is  it  two?), 


HIS   LATEST! 

The   Kaiser  :    "This  is  sorry  work  for  a  Hohenzollern  ; 
still,  necessity  knows  no  traditions." 

who  refuse  to  fight  for  their  country,  to  do  ?  Mr.  Lloyd  George 
has  produced  and  expounded  his  plan  for  an  Irish  Convention, 
at  which  Erin  is  to  take  a  turn  at  her  own  harp,  and  the  pro- 
posal has  been  favourably  received,  except  by  Mr.  Ginnell,  in 
whose  ears  (he  Convention  "sounds  the  dirge  of  the  Home  Rule 
Act." 

154 


A   Garden  Glorified 


Mr.  Bonar  Law  has  brought  in  a  Budget,  moved  a  vote  of 
credit  for  500  millions,  and  apologised  for  estimating  the  war 
expenditure  at  5>^  millions  a  day  when  it  turned  out  to  be 
']'%.  The  trivial  lapse  has  been  handsomely  condoned  by  his 
predecessor,  Mr.  McKenna.  The  Budget  debate  was  held  with 
open  doors,  but  produced  a  number  of  speeches  much  more 
suitable  for  the  Secret  Session  which  followed,  and  at  which 
it  appears  from  the  Speaker's  Report  that  nothing  sensational 
was  revealed. 

The  House  of  Commons,  unchanged  externally,  has  de- 
teriorated spiritually,  to  judge  by  the  temper  of  most  of  those 
who  have  remained  behind.  It  is  otherwise  with  other  In- 
stitutions, some  of  which  have  been  ennobled  by  disfigurement. 

A    PLACE    OF    ARMS 

I  KNEW  a  garden  green  and  fair, 

Flanking  our  London  river's  tide, 
And  you  would  think,   to  breathe  its  air 

And  roam  its  virgin  lawns  beside, 
All  shimmering  in  their  velvet  fleece, 
"Nothing  can  hurt  this  haunt  of  Peace." 

No  trespass  marred  tliat  close  retreat ; 

Privileged   were  the  few  that  went 
Pacing  its   walks  with  measured  beat 

On   legal   contemplation   bent ; 
And   Inner  Templars  used  to  say  : 
**  How  well  our  garden  looks  to-day  !  " 

But  That  which  changes  all  has  changed 
This  guarded  pleasaunce,  green  and  fair, 

And  soldier-ranks  therein  have  ranged 
And  trod  its  beauties  hard  and  bare, 

Have  tramped  and  tramped  its  fretted  floor, 

Learning  the  discipline  of  War. 

And  many  a  moon  of  Peace  shall  climb 

Above  that  mimic  field  of  Mars, 
Before  the  healing  touch  of  Time 

With  springing  green  shall  hide  its  scars; 

155 


Mr.  Pwiclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


But  Inner  Templars  smile  and  say  : 
"Our  barrack-square   looks  well   to-day  I  " 

Good  was  that  garden  in  their  eyes, 

Lovely   its  spell  of  long  ago; 
Now  waste  and  mired  its  glory  lies, 

And  yet  they  hold  it  dearer  so, 
Who  see  beneath  the  wounds  it  bears 
A  grace  no  other  garden  wears. 

For  still  the  memory,   never  sere, 

But  fresh  as  after  fallen  rain, 
Of  those  who  learned  their  lesson  here 

And  may  not  ever  come  again, 
Gives  to  this  garden,   bruised  and  browned, 
A  greenness  as  of  hallowed  ground. 

News  comes  from  Athens  that  King  Constantine  is  realising 
his  position  and  contemplates  abdication  in  favour  of  the  Crown 
Prince  George.  It  is  not  yet  known  in  whose  favour  the 
Crown  Prince  George  will  abdicate.  In  this  context  the 
Kolnische  Zeitung  is  w^orth  quoting.  "The  German  people," 
it  says,  "will  not  soon  forget  what  they  owe  to  their  future 
Emperor."  This  spasm  of  candour  is  not  confined  to  the 
Rhineland.  The  keenest  minds  in  Germany,  says  a  Berlin 
correspondent,  are  now  seeking  to  discover  the  secret  of  the 
Fatherland's  world-wide  unpopularity.  It  is  this  absurd  sen- 
sitiveness on  the  part  of  our  cultured  opponent  that  is  causing 
some  of  her  best  friends  in  this  country  to  lose  hope. 

Genius  has  been  defined  as  an  infinite  capacity  for  taking 
pains;  and  if  the  definition  is  sound,  genius  cannot  be  denied 
to  the  painstaking  officials  who  test  the  physical  fitness  of 
recruits — "as  in  the  picture." 

The  month  has  witnessed  the  amendment  of  the  President's 
much  discussed  phrase  :  "Too  proud  to  fight  "  has  now  become 
"Proud  to  fight  too."  Another  revised  version  is  suggested 
by  Margarine:  C'est  magnifique,  mais  ce  n'cst  pas  le  beurre. 
The  German  Food  Controller  laments  the  mysterious  dis- 
appearance of  five  million  four  hundred  thousand  pigs  this  year. 
The  idea  of  having  the  Crown  Prince's  baggage  searched  does 
not  seem  to  have  been  found  feasible. 

156 


OUR   PERSEVERING  OFFICIALS 

Or.  the  Recruit  that  was  passed  at  the  thirteenth  examination 


157 


Mr.  Pitnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


June,  igiy. 

WITHIN  some  eleven  weeks  of  the  Declaration  of  War 
by  the  U.S.A.,  the  first  American  troops  have  been 
landed  in  France.  Even  the  Kaiser  has  begun  to 
abate  his  thrasonic  tone,  declaring  that  "it  is  not  the  Prussian 
way  to  praise  oneself,"  and  that  "it  is  now  a  matter  of  holding 
out,  however  long  it  lasts." 

But  other  events  besides  the  arrival  of  the  Americans  have 
helped  to  bring  about  this  altered  tone.  The  capture  of  Mes- 
sines  Ridge,  after  the  biggest  bang  in  history,  has  given 
him  something  to  think  about.  His  brother-in-law,  Constantine 
of  Greece,  has  at  last  thrown  up  the  sponge  and  abdicated. 
"Tino's"  place  of  exile  is  not  yet  fixed.  The  odds  seem  to  be 
on  Switzerland,  but  Mr.  Punch  recommends  Denmark.  There 
is  no  place  like  home  : 

Try  some  ancestral  palace,  well  appointed ; 

For  choice  the  one  where  Hamlet  nursed  his  spite. 
Who  found  the  times  had  grown  a  bit  disjointed 

And  he  was  not  the  man  to  put  'em  right ; 
And  there  consult  on  that  enchanted  shore 
The  ghosts  of  Elsinore. 

Brazil  has  also  entered  the  War,  and  Germany  is  now  able 
to  shoot  in  almost  any  direction  without  any  appreciable  risk 
of  hitting  a  friend. 

Field-Marshal  Sir  Douglas  Haig  gave  the  nation  a  birth- 
day present  on  his  own  birthday,  in  the  shape  of  a  dispatch 
which  is  as  strong  and  straight  as  himself : 

Frugal  in   speech,   yet  more  than  once  impelled 
To  utter  words  of  confidence  and  cheer 

Whereat  some  dismal   publicists   rebelled 
As  premature,  ill-founded,  insincere — 

Words  none  the  less  triumphantly  upheld 
By  Victory's  verdict,  resonantly  clear, 

Words  that  inspired   misf^iving  in  the  foe 

Because  you  do  not  prophesy — you  know. 

»58 


A   WORD   OF   ILL   OMEN 

Crown  Prince  (to  Kaiser,  drafting  his  next  speech) :  *  For 
Gott's  sake,  father,  be  careful  this  time,  and  don't  call  the 
American  Army  'contemptible.'  " 


159 


Mr,  PitncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Steadfast  and  calm,  unmoved  by  blame  or  praise, 
By  local  checks  or  Fortune's  strange  caprices, 

\'ou  dedicate  laborious  nig-hts  and  days 
To  shattering-  the  Hun  machine  to  pieces; 

And  hovvsoe'er  at  times  the  battle  sways 

The  Army's  trust  in  your  command  increases; 

Patient  in  preparation,  swift  in  deed, 

We  find  in  you  the  leader  that  we  need. 

A  new  feature  of  the  German  armies  are  the  special  "storm- 
troops  " ;  men  picked  for  their  youth,  vigour,  and  daring,  and 
fortified  by  a  specially  liberal  diet  for  the  carrying  out  of 
counter-attacks.  Even  our  ordinary  British  soldiers,  who  are 
constantly  compelled  to  take  these  brave  fellows  prisoners, 
bear  witness  to  the  ferocity  of  their  appearance. 

On  our  Home  Front  the  Germans  have  shown  considerable 
activity  of  late.  Daylight  air-raids  are  no  longer  the  monopoly 
of  the  South-east  coast;  they  have  extended  to  London.  And 
a  weekly  paper,  conspicuous  for  the  insistence  with  which  it 
proclaims  its  superiority  to  all  others,  has  been  asking  :  If 
17  German  aeroplanes  can  visit  and  bomb  London  in  broad 
daylight,  what  is  to  prevent  our  enemy  from  sending  170  or 
even  1,700?  Fortunately  the  average  man  and  woman  pays  no 
heed  to  this  scare-mongering,  and  goes  about  his  or  her 
business,  if  not  rejoicing,  at  any  rate  in  the  conviction  that  the 
Gothas  are  not  going  to  have  it  all  their  own  way. 

Considering  that  the  "  Fort  of  London  "  had  been  drenched 
with  the  "ghastly  dew"  of  aerial  navies  barely  three  hours 
before  Parliament  met  on  June  13,  Members  showed  themselves 
uncommon  calm.  They  were  at  their  best  a  few  days  earlier 
in  paying  homage  to  Major  Willie  Redmond.  It  had  been 
his  ambition  to  be  Father  of  the  House  :  he  had  been  elected 
thirty-four  years  ago;  but  in  reality  he  was  the  Eternal  Boy 
from  the  far-off  time  when  it  was  his  nightly  delight  to  "cheek  " 
Mr.  Speaker  Brand  with  delightful  exuberance  until  the  moment 
of  his  glorious  death  in  Flanders,  whither  he  had  gone  at 
an  age  when  most  of  his  compeers  were  content  to  play  the 
critic  in  a  snug  corner  of  the  smoking-room.  Personal  affection 
combined  with  admiration  for  his  gallantry  to  inspire  the 
speeches  in  which   Mr.   Lloyd  George,    Mr.   Asquith,  and  Sir 

160 


Mr.  Balfottr  Returns 


Edward  Carson  enshrined  the  most  remarkable  tribute  ever  paid 
to  a  private  Member. 

Mr.  Balfour  has  returned  safe  and  sound  from  his 
Mission  to  the  States,  and  received  a  warm  welcome  on  all 
sides.  Even  the  ranks  of  Tuscany,  on  the  Irish  benches,  could 
not  forbear  to  cheer  their  old  opponent.  Besides  securing 
American  gold  for 
his  country,  he  has 

transferred       some  \ 

American      bronze 
to  his  complexion. 
If     anything,      he 
appears     to     have 
sharpened   his 
natural   faculty   for 
skilful  evasion  and 
polite    repartee    by 
his  encounter  with 
Transatlantic   jour- 
nalists.     In    fact 
everybody     is 
pleased  to  see  him 
back     except     per- 
haps   certain    curi- 
ous members,  who 
find     him     even 
more   chary  of   in- 
formation than  his 
deputy,    Lord 
Robert  Cecil.    The 
mystery    of    Lord 
Northclifife's     visit 
to     the     States     has     been     cleared     up.       Certain     journals, 
believed     to    enjoy    his    confidence,     had    described    him    as 
"Mr.    Balfour's    successor."      Certain    other    journals,    whose 
confidence  he  does  not  enjoy,  had  declined  to  believe  this.    The 
fact  as  stated  by  Mr.  Bonar  Law  is  that  "it  is  hoped  that  Lord 
NorthclifTe  will  be  able  to  carry  on  the  work  begun  by  Mr. 
Balfour  as  head  of  the   British   Mission   in   America.     He   is 
L  i6i 


Mrs.  Green  to  Mrs.  Jones  (who  is  gazing  at  an 
aeroplane)  :  "  My  word  !  1  shouldn't  care  for  one  of 
ihcm  flying  things  to  settle  on   me." 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


expected  to  co-ordinate  and  supervise  the  work  of  all  the 
Departmental  Missions."  It  has  been  interesting  to  learn  that 
his  lordship  "will  have  the  right  of  communicating  direct  with 
the  Prime  Minister  " — a  thing  which,  of  course,  he  has  never 
done  before.  Meanwhile,  the  fact  remains  that  his  departure  has 
been  hailed  with  many  a  dry  eye,  and  that  the  public  seem  to 
be  enduring  their  temporary  bereavement  with  fortitude. 

Far  too  much  fuss  has  been  made  about  trying  to  stop 
Messrs.  Ramsay  MacDonald  and  Jowett  from  leaving 
England.  So  far  as  we  can  gather  they  did  not  threaten  to 
return  to  this  country  afterwards.  There  is  no  end  to  the  woes 
of  Pacificists,  conscientious  or  otherwise.  The  Press  campaign 
against  young  men  of  military  age  engaged  in  Government 
offices  is  causing  some  of  them  sleepless  days.  Even  on  the 
stage  the  "conchy  "  is  not  safe. 


Stage  Manager:  "The  elephant's  pulling  in  a  very  spirited  performance 
lo-night." 

Carpenter  .  "  Yessir.  You  see,  the  new  hind-legs  is  a  discharged  soldier, 
and   the   front  legs  is  an  out-and-out  pacificist." 


The  King  has  done  a  popular  act  in  abolishing  the  German 
titles  held  by  members  of  his  family,  and  Mr.  Kennedy  Jones 
has  won  widespread  approval  by  declaring  that  beer  is  a  food. 

162 


Lord  Derby  on  Air  Reprisals 

Lord  Devonport's  retirement  from  the  post  of  Food  Con- 
troller has  been  received  with  equanimity.  There  is  a 
touch  of  imagination,  almost  of  romance,  in  the  appointment 
of  his  successor,  the  redoubtable  Lord  Rhondda,  who  as 
"D.A."  was  alternately  the  bogy  and  idol  of  the  Welsh  miners, 
and  who,  after  being  the  head  of  the  greatest  profit-making 
enterprise  in  the  Welsh  coalfields,  is  now  summoned  to  carry 
on  war  against  the  profiteers  in  the  provision  trade. 

In  Germany  a  number  of  lunatics  have  been  called  up  for 
military  service,  and  the  annual  report  of  one  institution  at 
Stettin  states  that  "the  asylums  are  proud  that  their  inmates 
are  allowed  to  serve  their  Fatherland."  It  appears,  however, 
that  the  results  are  not  always  satisfactory,  though  no  com- 
plaints have  been  heard  on  our  side. 


July,  igiy. 

THE  War,  so  Lord  Northcliffe  has  informed  the  Wash- 
ington Red  Cross  Committee,  has  only  just  begun. 
Whether  this  utterance  be  regarded  as  a  statement  of  fact 
or  an  explosion  of  rhetoric,  it  has  at  least  one  merit.  The 
United  States  cannot  but  regard  it  as  a  happy  coincidence 
that  their  entry  into  the  War  synchronises  with  the  initial 
operations.  The  dog-days  are  always  busy  times  for  the  Dogs 
of  War,  and  the  last  month  of  the  third  year  opened  with  the 
new  Russian  Offensive  under  Brusiloff,  and  closed  with  the 
beginning  of  the  Third  Battle  of  Ypres.  The  War  in  the  air  and 
under  the  sea  rages  with  unabated  intensity,  and  in  both  Houses 
the  policy  of  unmitigated  reprisals  on  German  cities  has  found 
strenuous  advocates.  But  Lord  Derby,  our  new  Minister  of  War, 
will  have  none  of  it.  British  aeroplanes  shall  only  be  employed 
in  bombing  where  some  distinctly  military  object  is  to  be 
achieved.  But  this  decision  does  not  involve  any  slackness  in 
defensive  measures.  We  have  learned  how  to  deal  with  the 
Zepp,  and  now  we  are  going  to  attend  to  the  Gotha.  As  for 
the  U-boats,  the  Admiralty  says  little  but  does  much.  And 
we  are  adding  to  vigilance,  valour,  and  the  resources  of  applied 
science  the  further  aid  of  agriculture. 

163 


Mr.  Pitncli  s  Histojy  of  the  Great  War 


In  the  old  days  the  Kaiser  was  once  described  as  "inde- 
fatigably  changing  Chancellors  and  uniforms."  Dr.  Bethmann- 
Hollweg  has  now  gone  the  way  of  his  greater  predecessors — 
Bismarck  and  Caprivi,   Prince  Hohenlohe  and  Prince  Biilow. 


THE    TUBER'S    REPARTEE 

German  Pirate:    'Gotl  strafe  England!" 
British  Potato:   "Tuber  iiber  Alles!" 

The  Princes  and  the  Peers  depart,  and  the  Doctors  are  follow- 
ing suit.  Bethmann-Hollweg,  immortalised  by  one  fatal 
phrase,  has  been  at  last  hunted  from  office  by  the  extremists 
whom  he  sought  to  restrain,  and  Dr.  Michaelis,  a  second-rate 

164 


Bethmann-Hollweg  Goes 


administrator,  of  negligible  antecedents,  succeeds  to  his  uneasy 
chair,  while  the  Kaiser  maintains  his  pose  as  the  friend  of 
the  people.     He  has  congratulated  his  Bayreuth  Dragoons  on 


THE  SCRAPPER  SCRAPPED 


their    prowess,    which    has    given    joy    "to   old   Fritz    up    in 
Elysian  fields  "  : 

Perhaps;  but  what  if  he  is  down  below? 
In  any  case,  what  we  should  like  to  know 
Is  how  his  modern  namesake,  Private  Fritz, 
Enjoys  the  fun  of  being-  blown  to  bits 
Because  his  Emperor  has  lost  his  wits. 

Delirant  reges:  but  there  are  bright  exceptions.    On  July  17 
our  King  in  Council  decreed  that  the  Royal  House  should  be 

165 


Mr.  PwicKs  History  of  the  Great  War 


known  henceforth  as  the  House  of  Windsor.  Parliament  has 
been  flooded  with  the  backwash  of  the  Mesopotamia  Commis- 
sion, and  at  last  on  third  thoughts  the  Government  has  decided 
not  to  set  up  a  new  tribunal  to  try  the  persons  affected  by  the 
Report.  Mr.  Austen  Chamberlain  has  resigned  office  amid 
general  regret.  The  Government  have  refused,  "on  the  repre- 
sentations of  the  Foreign  Secretary,"  to  accept  the  twice 
proffered  resignation  of  Lord  Hardinge.  The  plain  person  is 
driven  to  the  conclusion  that  if  there  are  no  unsinkable  ships 
there  are  some  unsinkable  officials.     For  the  rest  the  question 


Bdsy  City  Man  to  his  Partner  (as  one  of  the  new  air-raid  warnings  gets 
to  work):  "If  you'll  leave  me  in  here  for  the  warnings  I'll  carry  on  while 
you  take  shelter  during  the  raids." 

mainly  agitating  Members  has  been  "to  warn  or  not  to  warn." 
The  Lord  Mayor  has  announced  that  he  will  not  ring  the  great 
bell  of  St.  Paul's;  but  the  Home  Secretary  states  that  the  public 
will  be  warned  in  future  when  an  air  raid  is  actually  imminent. 
During  these  visitations  there  is  nothing  handier  than  a 
comfortable  and  capacious  Cave,  but  the  Home  Secretary  has 
his  limitations.  When  Mr.  King  asked  him  to  be  more  careful 
about  interning  alien  friends  without  trial,  since  he  (Mr.  King) 
had  just  heard  of  the  great  reception  accorded  in   Petrograd 

1 66 


The  Coming  of  Rhondda 


to  one  Trotsky  on  his  release  from  internment,  Sir  George 
Cave  replied  that  he  was  sorry  he  had  never  heard  of  Trotsky. 

Lord  Rhondda  reigns  in  Lord  Devonport's  place,  and  will 
doubtless  profit  by  his  predecessor's  experience.  It  is  a  thank- 
less job,  but  the  great  body  of  the  nation  is  determined  that  he 
shall  have  fair  play  and  will  support  him  through  thick  and  thin 
in  any  policy,  however  drastic,  that  he  may  recommend  to  their 
reason  and  their  patriotism.  This  business  of  food-controlling 
is  new  to  us  as  well  as  to  him,  but  we  are  willing  to  be  led,  and 
we  are  even  willing  to  be  driven,  and  we  are  grateful  to  him  for 
having  engaged  his  reputation  and  skill  and  firmness  in  the 
task  of  leading  or  driving  us. 

The  War  has  its  grandes  heures,  its  colossal  glories  and 
disasters,  but  the  tragedy  of  the  "little  things  "  affects  the  mind 
of  the  simple  soldier  with  a  peculiar  force— the  "little  gardens 
rooted  up,  the  same  as  might  be  ours  ";  "the  little  'ouses  all  in 
'eaps,  the  same  as  might  be  mine  " ;  and  worst  of  all,  "the  little 


Grandpapa  (to  small  Teuton  struggling  with  home-lessons)  :  "  Come,  Fritz, 
is  your  task  so  difficult?" 

Fritz:  "It  is  indeed.  I  have  to  learn  all  the  names  of  all  the  countries 
that  misunderstand  the  All-Highest." 

167 


Air,  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


kids,  as  might  'ave  been  our  own."  Apropos  of  resentment, 
England  has  lost  first  place  in  Germany,  for  America  is  said 
to  be  the  most  hated  country  now.  The  "morning  hate"  of 
the  German  family  with  ragtime  obbligato  must  be  a  terrible 
thing !  General  von  Blume,  it  is  true,  says  that  America's 
intervention  is  no  more  than  "a  straw."  But  which  straw? 
The  last  ? 

It  is  reported  that  ex-King  Constantine  is  to  receive 
;^20,ooo  a  year  unemployment  benefit,  and  Mr.  Punch,  in 
prophetic  vein,  pictures  him  as  offering  advice  to  his  illustrious 
brother-in-law  : 

Were  it  not  wise,  dear  William,  ere  the  day 
When  Revolution  goes  for  crowns  and  things. 

To  cut  your  loss  betimes  and  come  this  way 
And  start  a  coterie  of  exiled  Kings? 

In  the  words  of  a  valued  correspondent  (a  temporary 
captain  suddenly  summoned  from  the  trenches  to  the  Staff), 
"there  is  this  to  be  said  about  being  at  war — you  never  know 
what  is  going  to  happen  to  you  next." 


August y  igiy. 

WITH  the  opening  of  the  fourth  year  of  the  War 
Freedom  renews  her  vow,  fortified  by  the  aid  of  the 
"Gigantic  Daughter  of  the  West,"  and  undaunted  by 
the  collapse  of  our  Eastern  Ally,  brought  about  by  anarchy, 
German  gold  and  the  fraternisation  of  Russian  and  German 
soldiers.  The  Kaiser,  making  the  most  of  this  timely  boon, 
has  once  more  been  following  in  Bellona's  train  (her  train  de 
luxe)  in  search  of  cheap  reclame  on  the  Galician  front,  to  witness 
the  triumphs  of  his  new  Ally,  Revolutionary  Russia  : 

But  though  she  fail  us  in  the  final  test. 

Not  there,  not  there,  my  child,  the  end  shall  be. 
But  where,  without  your  option,   France  and  we 

Have  made  our  own  arrangements  in  the  West, 
1 68 


RUSSIA'S   DARK   HOUR 


169 


Mr,  Ptmclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


It  is  another  story  on  the  Western  Front,  where  the  British 
are  closing  in  on  the  wrecked  remains  of  Lens,  and  the  Crown 
Prince's  chance  of  breai<ing  hearts  along  "The  Ladies'  Way  " 
grows  more  and  more  remote. 


THE   OPTIMIST 

"  If   this  is  the  right  village,  then  we're  all  right.     The   instructions  is  clear- 
Go  past   the  post-office  and  sharp  to  the  left  afore  you  come  to  the  church.'' 


A  recent  resolution  of  the  Reichstag  has  been  welcomed 
by  Mr.  Ramsay  MacDonald  as  the  solemn  pronouncement  of 
a  sovereign  people,  only  requiring  the  endorsement  of  the 
British  Government  to  produce  an  immediate  and  equitable 
peace.  But  not  much  was  left  of  this  pleasant  theory  after 
Mr,  Asquith  had  dealt  it  a  few  sledge-hammer  blows.  *'So 
far  as  we  know,"  he  said,  "the  influence  of  the  Reichstag,  not 
only  upon  the  composition  but  upon  the  policy  of  the  German 
Government,  remains  what  it  always  has  been — a  practically 
negligible  quantity." 

The  Reminiscences  of  Mr.  Gerard,  the  late  German  Ambas- 
sador in  Berlin,  are  causing  much  perturbation  in  German 
Court  circles.  In  one  of  his  conversations  with  Mr.  Gerard, 
the  Kaiser  told  him  "there  is  no  longer  any  International  Law." 

170 


Heroes  and  Heroines 


Little  scraps  of  paper, 

Little  drops  of  ink, 
Make  the  Kaiser  caper 

And  the  Nations  think. 

The  real  voice  of  Labour  is  not  that  of  the  delegates  who 
want  to  go  to  the  International  Socialist  Conference  at  Stock- 
holm to  talk  to  Fritz,  but  of  the  Tommy  who,  after  a  short 
"leaf,"  goes  cheerfully  back  to  France  to  fight  him.  And  the 
fomenters  of  class  hatred  will  not  find  much  support  from 
the  "men  in  blue."  Mr.  Punch  has  had  occasion  to  rebuke  the 
levity  of  smart  fashionables  who  visit  the  wounded  and  weary 
them  by  idiotic  questions.  He  is  glad  to  show  the  other  side 
of  the  picture  in  the  tribute  paid  to  the  V.A.D.  of  the  proper 
sort : 

There's  an  angel  in  our  ward  as  keeps  a-flittin*  to  and  fro, 
With  fifty  eyes  upon  'er  wherever  she  may  go; 
She's  as  pretty  as  a  picture,   and  as  bright  as  mercury. 
And  she  wears  the  cap  and  apron  of  a  V.A.D. 

The  Matron  she  is  gracious,  and  the  Sister  she  is  kind, 

But  they  wasn't  born  just  yesterday,  and  lets  you  know  their  mind; 

The  M.O.  and  the  Padre  is  as  thoughtful  as  can  be, 

But  they  ain't  so  good  to  look  at  as  our  V.A.D. 

Not  like  them  that  wash  a  teacup  in  an  orficer's  canteen. 
And  then  "  Engaged  in  War  Work  "  in  the  weekly  Press  is  seen ; 
She's  on  the  trot  from  morn  to  night  and  busy  as  a  bee, 
And  there's  'caps  of  wounded  Tommies  bless  that  V.A.D. 

Our  Grand  Fleet  keeps  its  strenuous,  unceasing  vigil  in  the 
North  Sea.  But  we  must  not  forget  the  merchant  mariners  now- 
serving  under  the  Windsor  House  Flag  in  the  North  Atlantic 
trade : 

"We  sweep  a  bit  and  we  fight  a  bit — an'  that's  what  we  like  the 

best — 
But  a  towin'  job  or  a  salvage  job,  they  all  go  in  with  the  rest; 
When    we   arn't   too   busy   upsettin'    old   Fritz   an'    'is   frightfulness 

blockade 
A  bit  of  all  sorts  don't  come  amiss  in  the  North  Atlantic  trade." 


Mr.  Pu7icUs  History  of  the  Great  War 


"  And  who's  your  skipper,  and  what  is  he  like?  "     **  Oh,  well,  if  you 

want  to  know, 
I'm  sailing-  under  a  hard-case  mate  as  I  sailed  with  years  ago; 
'E's  big  as  a  bucko  an'  full  o'  beans,  the  same  as  'e  used  to  be 
When  I  knowed  'im  last  in  the  windbag  days  when  first  I  followed 

the  sea. 
'E  was  worth  two  men  at  the  lee  fore  brace,  an'  three  at  the  bunt 

of  a  sail ; 
'E'd  a  voice  you  could    'ear   to  the   royal   yards   in   the   teeth  of  a 

Cape   'Orn  gale ; 
But  now  'e's  a  full-blown  lootenant,  an'  wears  the  twisted  braid, 
Commandin'  one  of  'is  Majesty's  ships  in  the  North  Atlantic  trade." 

"And  what  is  the  ship  you're  sailin'  in?"     "Oh,   she's  a  bit  of  a 

terror. 
She  ain't  no  bloomin'  levvyathan,   an'  that's  no  fatal  error  ! 


DociOR  :    "Your     throat    is    in     a     very     bad     state.     Have     you    ever     tried 
gargling  with  salt  water  ?  " 

Skipper:    "  Yus,  I've  been  torpedoed  six  times." 

172 


Chtirchill  Restored 


She  scoops  the  seas  like  a  gravy  spoon  when  the  gales  are  up  an' 

blow  in', 
But  Fritz  'e  loves  'er  above  a  bit  when  'er  fightln'  fangs  are  showin'. 
The  liners  go  their  stately  way  an'  the  cruisers  take  their  ease, 
But  where  would  they  be  if  it  wasn't  for  us  with  the  water  up  to 

our  knees? 
We're  wadin'  when  their  soles  are  wet,  we're  swimmin'  when  they 

wade, 
For  I  tell  you  small  craft  gets  it  a  treat  in  the  North  Atlantic  trade  1  " 

"An'   what  is  the  port  you're  plying  to?"      "When   the  last  long 

trick  is  done 
There'll  some  come  back  to  the  old  'ome  port — 'ere's  'opin'  I'll  be 

one; 
But  some  'ave  made  a  new  landfall,  an'  sighted  another  shore. 
An'  it  ain't  no  use  to  watch  for  them,  for  they  won't  come  'ome  no 

more. 
There  ain't  no  harbour  dues  to  pay  when  once  they're  over  the  bar, 
Moored  bow  and  stern  in  a  quiet  berth  where  the  lost  three-deckers 

are. 
An'    there's    Nelson    'oldin'    is'   one    'and    out   an'    welcomin'    them 

that's  made 
The  roads  o'   Glory   an'   the  Port  of  Death   in  the   North   Atlantic 

trade." 

Parliament  has  devoted  many  hours  of  talk  to  the  discussion 
of  Mr.  Henderson's  visit  to  Paris  in  company  with  Mr.  Ramsay 
MacDonald  to  attend  a  Conference  of  French  and  Russian 
Socialists.  As  member  of  the  War  Cabinet  and  Secretary  of 
the  Labour  Party  he  seems  to  have  resembled  one  of  those  twin 
salad  bottles  from  which  oil  and  vinegar  can  be  dispensed 
alternately  but  not  together.  The  attempt  to  combine  the  two 
functions  could  only  end  as  it  began — in  a  double  fiasco.  Mr. 
Henderson  has  resigned,  and  Mr.  Winston  Churchill  has  been 
appointed  Minister  of  Munitions.  Many  reasons  have  been 
assigned  for  his  reinclusion  in  the  Ministry.  Some  sav  that  it 
was  done  to  muzzle  Mr.  MacCallum  Scott,  hitherto  one  of  the 
most  pertinacious  of  questionists,  who,  as  Mr.  Churchill's 
private  secretary,  is  now  debarred  by  Parliamentary  etiquette 
from  the  exercise  of  these  inquisitorial  functions.  Others  say 
it  was  done  to  muzzle  Mr.  Churchill.    Contrary  to  expectation, 

173 


Mr.  PimcJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Mr.  Churchill  has  succeeded  in  piloting  the  Munitions  of  War 
Bill  throuijh  its  remaining  stages  in  double  quick  time.  Its 
progress  was  accelerated  by  his  willingness  to  abolish  the 
leaving  certificate,  which  a  workman  hitherto  had  to  procure 
before  changing  one  job  for  another.  Having  had  unequalled 
experience  in  this  respect,  he  is  convinced  that  the  leaving 
certificate  is  a  useless  formality. 

Food  stocks  going  up,  thanks  to  the  energy  of  the  farmers 
and  the  economy  of  consumers;  German  submarines  going 
down,  thanks  to  the  Navy;  Russia  recovering  herself;  Britain 
and  France  advancing  hand  in  hand  on  the  Western  Front, 
and  our  enemies  fumbling  for  peace — that  was  the  gist  of  the 
message  with  which  the  Prime  Minister  sped  the  parting 
Commons.  "I  have  resigned,"  Mr.  Kennedy  Jones  tells  us, 
"because  there  is  no  further  need  for  my  services."  Several 
politicians  are  of  opinion  that  this  was  not  a  valid  reason.  A 
boy  of  eighteen  recently  told  a  Stratford  magistrate  that  he 
had  given  up  his  job  because  he  only  got  twenty-five  shillings 
a  week.  The  question  of  wages  is  becoming  acute  in  Germany 
too,  and  it  is  announced  that  all  salaries  in  the  Diplomatic 
Service  have  been  reduced.  We  always  said  that  frightfulness 
didn't  really  pay. 


September,  igiy. 

THANKS  to  the  collapse  of  the  Russian  armies  and 
"fraternisation,"  Germany  has  occupied  Riga.  But  her 
chief  exploits  of  late  must  be  looked  for  outside  the  sphere 
of  military  operations.  She  has  added  a  new  phrase  to  the 
vocabulary  of  frightfulness — spurlos  versenkt — in  the  instruc- 
tions to  her  submarine  commanders  for  dealing  with  neutral 
merchantmen.  As  for  the  position  into  which  Sweden  has  been 
lured  by  allowing  her  diplomatic  agents  to  assist  Germany's 
secret  service,  Mr.  Punch  would  hardly  go  the  length  of  saying 
that  it  justifies  the  revision  of  the  National  Anthem  so  as  to 
read,  "Confound  their  Scandi-knavish  tricks."  But  he  finds  it 
hard  to  accept  Sweden's  professions  of  official  rectitude,  and 
so  does  President  Wilson. 

174 


Sweden  s  Innocence 


The  German  Press  accuses  the  United  States  of  having 
stolen  the  cipher  key  of  the  Luxburg  dispatches.  It  is  this 
sort  of  thing  that  is  gradually  convincing  Germany  that  it  is 
beneath  her  dignity  to  fight  with  a  nation  like  America.  And 
the  growing  conviction    in   the   United  States  that  there  can 


PERFECT  INNOCENCE 

Constable  Woodrow  Wilson:    "That's  a  very  mischievous  thing  to  do." 
Sweden  :    "  Please,  sir,   I  didn't  know  it  was  loaded." 

be  no  peace  with  the  Hohenzollerns  only  tends  to  fortify  this 
view  in  Court  circles.  The  Kaiser's  protestations  of  his  love 
for  his  people  become  more  strident  every  day. 

In  Russia  the  Provisional  Government  has  been  dissolved 
and  a  Republic  proclaimed.  If  eloquence  can  save  the  situa- 
tion, Mr.  Kerensky  is  the  man  to  do  it ;  but  so  far  the  men  of 

175 


Mr,  PwicJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


few  words  have  gone  farthest  in  the  war.  A  "Historv  of  the 
Russian  Revolution  "  has  already  been  published.  The  pen 
may  not  be  mightier  than  the  sword  to-day,  but  it  manages 
to  keep  ahead  of  it. 

With  fresh  enemy  battalions,  as  well  as  batteries,  constantly 
arriving  from  Russia,  the  Italians  have  been  hard  pressed, 
but  their  great  assault  on  San  Gabriele  has  saved  the  Bainsizza 
plateau.     The    Italian   success  has  been    remarkable,    but   the 


TRIALS   OF  A  CAMOUFLAGE   OFFICER 

Sergeant-Major  :  "  Beg  pardon,  sir,  I  was  to  ask  if  you'd  step  up  to  the 
battery,  sir." 

Camooflage  Officer  :    "  What's   the  matter  ?  " 

Sergeant-Major  :  "It's  those  painted  grass  screens  sir.  The  nnules  have 
eaten  them." 

Russian  collapse  has  prevented  it  from  being  pushed  home. 
On  the  Western  front  no  great  events  are  recorded,  but  the 
mills  of  death  grind  on  with  ever-increasing  assistance  from 
the  resources  of  applied  science  and  the  new  art  of  camouflage. 
Yet  the  dominion  of  din  and  death  and  discomfort  is  still  unable 
to  impair  our  soldiers'  capacity  of  extracting  amusement  from 
trivialities. 

The  weather  has  been  so  persistently  wet  that  it  looks  as 

176 


THE   INSEPARABLE 

woJr  ^'''T^'''  ^'^  r°^l-)^    "Do  not  listen   to  those  who 
would  sow  dissension  between  us.     /  will  never  desert  you." 


M 


177 


Mr.  Pimclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


if  this  year  the  Channel  had  decided  to  swim  Great  Britain. 
A  correspondent,  in  a  list  of  improbable  events  on  an  "extra- 
ordinary day  "  at  the  front,  gives  as  the  culminating  entry, 
"It  did  not  rain  on  the  day  of  the  olTensive." 


/ 


i^r""'  ."/r' 


CO.  (to    sentry)  :    "  Do    you    know    the    Defence 
Scheme  for  this  sector  of   the   line,  my  man?" 
Tommy  :    "  Yes,  sir." 
CO.  :    "  Well,  what  is  it,  then  ?  " 
Tommy  ;    "To  stay  'ere  an'  fight  like  'ell." 

When  Parliament  is  not  sitting  and  trying  to  make  us  "sit 
up,"  and  when  war  news  is  scant,  old  people  at  home  some- 
times fall  into  a  mood  of  wistful  reverie,  and  contrast  the 
Germany  they  once  knew  with  the  Germany  of  to-day. 

178 


The  Lost  Germany 


A  LOST  LAND 

A  CHILDHOOD  land  of  mountain  ways, 
Where  earthy  gnomes  and  forest  fays, 
Kind,  foolish  giants,  gentle  bears, 
Sport  with  the  peasant  as  he  fares 
Affrighted   through  the  forest  glades. 
And   lead  sweet,   wistful  little  maids 
Lost  in  the  woods,  forlorn,  alone, 
To  princely  lovers  and  a  throne. 

Dear  haunted  land  of  gorge  and  glen, 
Ah  me  !   the  dreams,  the  dreams  of  men  ! 

A  learned  law  of  wise  old  books 
And  men  with  meditative  looks. 
Who  move  in  quaint  red-gabled  towns, 
And  sit  in  gravely-folded  gowns, 
Divining  in  deep-laden  speech 
The  world's  supreme  arcana — each 
A  homely  god  to  listening  youth. 
Eager  to  tear  the  veil  of  Truth ; 

Mild  votaries  of  book  and  pen — 

Alas,   the  dreams,   the  dreams  of  men  ! 

A  music  land  whose  life  is  wrought 
In  movements  of  melodious  thought; 
In  symphony,  great  wave  on  wave — 
Or  fugue  elusive,  swift  and  grave ; 
A  singing  land,  whose  lyric  rhymes 
Float  on  the  air  like  village  chimes; 
Music  and  verse — the  deepest  part 
Of  a  whole  nation's  thinking  heart! 

Oh  land  of  Now,  oh  land  of  Then  ! 

Dear  God  1  the  dreams,  the  dreams  of  men  ! 

Slave  nation  in  a  land  of  hate, 
Where  are  the  things  that  made  you  great? 
Child-hearted  once — oh,  deep  defiled. 
Dare  you  look  now  upon  a  child? 
179 


Mr.  Piniclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Your  lore — a  hideous  mask  wherein 
Self-worship  hides  its  monstrous  sin — 
Music  and  verse,  divinely  wed — 
How  can  these  live   where  love   is  dead? 


Oh  depths  beneath  sweet  human  ken, 
God  help  the  dreams,  the  dreams  of  men  I 

The  Norwegian  explorer,  Roald  Amundsen,  is  preparing 
for  a  trip  to  the  North  Pole  in  1918.  Additional  interest  now 
attaches  to  this  spot  as  being  the  only  territory  whose  neutrality 
the  Germans  have  omitted  to  violate.  Apropos  of  neutrals, 
the  crew  of  the  U-boat  interned  at  Cadiz  has  been  allowed  to 
land  on  giving  their  word  of  honour  not  to  leave  Spain  during 
the  continuance  of  the  War.  The  mystery  of  how  the  word 
"honour"  came  into  their  possession  is  not  explained.  It  is 
easier  to  explain  that  the  Second  Division,  in  which  Mr.  E.  D. 
Morel  is  now  serving,  is  not  the  one  which  fought  at  the  battle 
of  Mons. 


October,  igiy. 

A  NOTHER  month  of  losses  and  gains.  Against  the  break- 
/A  through  at  Caporetto  on  the  Isonzo  we  have  to  set  the 
-*-  -^  steady  advance  of  Allenby  on  the  Palestine  front,  and 
the  decision  arrived  at  by  an  extraordinary  meeting  of  German 
Reichstag  members  that  the  Germans  cannot  hope  for  victory 
in  the  field.  We  see  nothing  extraordinary  in  this.  The 
Reichstag  may  not  yet  be  able  to  influence  policy,  but  it  is 
not  blind  to  facts — to  the  terribly  heavy  losses  involved  in  our 
enemy's  desperate  efforts  to  prevent  us  from  occupying  the 
ridges  above  the  Ypres-Menin  road,  and  so  forcing  him  to 
face  the  winter  on  the  low  ground.  Then,  too,  there  has  been 
the  ominous  mutiny  of  the  German  sailors  at  Kiel.  The  ring- 
leaders have  been  executed,  but  they  may  have  preferred  death 
to  another  speech  from  the  Kaiser.  Dr.  Michaelis,  that 
"transient  embarrassed  phantom,"  has  joined  the  ranks  of  the 
dismissed.     No  sooner  had  the  Berliner  Tagehlott  pointed  out 

180 


THE   DANCE  OF  DEATH 

The  Kaiser:  "Stop!     I'm  tired." 

Death:  "I  started  at  your  bidding;   I  stop  when  I  choose. 


i8i 


Mr,  Ptmclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


that  "  Dr.  Michaelis  was  a  good  Chancellor  as  Chancellors  go  " 
than  he  went.  Another  of  the  German  doctor  politicians  has 
been  delivering  his  soul  on  the  failure  of  Pro-German  pro- 
paganda in  memorable  fashion.  Dr.  Dernburg,  in  Deutsche 
Politik,  tells  us  that  "steadfastness  and  righteousness  are  the 
qualities  which  the  German  people  value  in  the  highest  degree, 
and  which  have  brought  it  a  good  and  honourable  reputation 
in  the  whole  world.  When  we  make  experiments  in  lies  and 
deceptions,  intrigue  and  low  cunning,  we  suffer  hopeless  and 
brutal  failure.  Our  lies  are  coarse  and  improbable,  our  am- 
biguity is  pitiful  simplicity.  The  history  of  the  War  proves 
this  by  a  hundred  examples.  When  our  enemies  poured  all 
these  things  upon  us  like  a  hailstorm,  and  we  convinced  our- 
selves of  the  effectiveness  of  such  tactics,  we  tried  to  imitate 
them.  But  these  tactics  will  not  lit  the  German.  We  are 
rough  but  moral,  we  are  credulous  but  honest."  Before  this 
touching  picture  of  the  German  Innocents  very  much 
abroad,  the  Machiavellian  Briton  can  only  take  refuge  in 
silent  amazement. 

Parliament  has  reassembled,  and  Mr.  Punch  has  been  moved 
to  ask  Why  ?  Various  reasons  would  no  doubt  be  returned  by 
various  members.  The  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  wants  to 
obtain  a  further  Vote  of  Credit.  The  new  National  Party  wish 
to  justify  their  existence ;  and  those  incarnate  notes  of  inter- 
rogation— Messrs.  King,  Hogge  and  Pemberton  Billing — 
would  like  Parliament  to  be  in  permanent  session  in  order  that 
the  world  might  have  the  daily  benefit  of  their  searching  in- 
vestigations. There  has  been  a  certain  liveliness  on  the 
Hibernian  front,  but  we  hope  that  Mr.  Asquith  was  justified 
in  assuming  that  the  Sinn  Fein  excesses  were  only  an  expres- 
sion of  the  "rhetorical  and  contingent  belligerency  "  always 
present  in  Ireland,  and  that  in  spite  of  them  the  Convention 
would  make  all  things  right.  Meanwhile,  the  Sinn  Feiners 
have  refused  to  take  part  in  it.  And  not  a  single  Nationalist 
member  has  denounced  them  for  their  dereliction  ;  indeed,  Mr. 
T.  M.  Healy  has  even  given  them  his  blessing,  for  what  it  is 
worth.  Of  more  immediate  importance  has  been  Mr.  Bonar 
Law's  announcement  of  the  Government's  intention  to  set  up 
a  new  Air  Ministry,  and  "to  employ  our  machines  over  German 

182 


The  l7ico7ista7it  Moon 


towns  so   far  as   military   needs   render  us   free   to   take  such 
action." 

In  the  earlier  stages  of  the  War  we  looked  on  the  moon 
as  our  friend.  Now  that  inconstant  orb  has  become  our  enemy, 
and  the  only  German  opera  that  we  look  forward  to  seeing  is 
Die  Gothaddm- 
merung.  A  circu- 
lar has  been  issued 
by  the  Feline  De- 
fence League  ap- 
pealing to  owners 
of  cats  to  bring 
them  inside  the 
house  during  air- 
raids. When  they 
are  left  on  the  roof 
it  would  seem  that 
their  agilit) 
causes  them  to  be 
mistaken  for 
aerial  torpedoes. 
We  note  that  the 
practice  of  giving 
air-raid  warnings 
by  notice  pub- 
lished in  the  fol- 
lowing morning's 
papers  has  been 
abandoned  only 
after  the  most  ex- 
haustive tests. 
The  advocates  of 
"darkness  and 
composure  "  have 
not  been  very  happy  in  their  arguments,  but  they  are  at  least 
preferable  to  the  members  of  Parliament  deservedly  trounced  by 
Mr.  Bonar  Law,  who  declared  that  if  their  craven  squealings 
were  typical  he  should  despair  of  victory.  Meanwhile,  we  have 
to  congratulate  our  gallant  French  allies  on  their  splendid  bag 

183 


A   PLACE   IN   THE   MOON 

Hans:  "How  beautiful  a  moon,  my  love,  ior  showing 
up  England  to   our  gallant  airmen!  " 

Gretchen  :  "  Yes,  dearest,  but  may  it  not  show  up  the 
Fatherland  to  the  brutal  enemy  one  of  these  nights  ?  " 


Mr.  PitncKs  History  of  tlie  Great  War 


of  Zepps.  But  the  space  which  our  Press  allots  to  air  raids 
moves  Mr.  Punch  to  wonder  and  scorn.  Our  casualties  from 
that  source  are  never  one-tenth  so  heavy  as  those  in  France  on 
days  when  G.H.Q,  reports  "everything  quiet  on  the  Western 
front."  Still  worse  is  the  temper  of  some  of  our  society  week- 
lies, which  have  set  their  faces  like  flint  against  any  serious 
reference  to  the  War,  and  go  imperturbably  along  the  old  ante- 
bellum lines,  "snapping"  smart  people  at  the  races  or  in  the 
Row,  or  reproducing  the  devastating  beauty  of  a  revue  chorus, 
and  this  at  a  time  when  every  day  brings  the  tidings  of 
irreparable  loss  to  hundreds  of  families. 


MISSING 

"  He  was  last  seen  going  over  the  parapet  into  the  German 

trenches." 

What  did  you  find  after  war's  fierce  alarms, 
When  the  kind  earth  gave  you  a  resting-place. 

And  comforting  night  gathered  you  in  her  arms, 
With  light  dew  falling  on  your  upturned  face? 

Did  your  heart  beat,   remembering  what  had  been? 

Did  you  still  hear  around  you,  as  you  lay, 
The  wings  of  airmen   sweeping  by   unseen. 

The  thunder  of  the  guns  at  close  of  day? 

All  nature  stoops  to  guard  your  lonely   bed ; 

Sunshine  and   rain  fall  with  their  calming  breath ; 
Vou  need  no  pall,   so  young  and  newly  dead. 

Where  the  Lost  Legion  triumphs  over  death. 

When    with    the   morrow's   dawn    the   bugle   blew, 
For  the   first   time   it  summoned   you   in   vain. 

The  Last  Post  does  not  sound  for  such  as  you. 
But  God's   Reveille  wakens  you   again. 

The    discomforts    of    railwav    travelling    do    not    diminish. 
But    impatient   passengers   may    find   comfort    in    a   maxim    of 

184 


Conspiatous  Absentees 


R.  L.  Stevenson  :  "To  travel  hopefully  is  a  better  thing  than 
to  arrive."  And  further  solace  is  forthcoming  in  the  fact  that 
our  enemies  are  even  worse  off  than  we  are.  Railway  fares  in 
Germany  have  been  doubled;  but  it  is  doubtful  if  this  trans- 
parent artifice  will  prevent  the  Kaiser  from  going  about  the 
place      making 

speeches     to     his  ^^^  -.^-k^-  .ss^ 

troops  on    all   the  /; 

fronts.      Here    all  , 

classes  are  united 
by  the  solidarity 
of  inconvenience. 
And  they  all  have 
different  ways  of 
meeting  it.  But 
we  really  think 
more  care  should 
be  taken  by  the 
authorities  to  see 
that  while  waging 
war  on  the  Con- 
tinent they  do  not 
forget  the  defence 
of  those  at  home. 
The  fact  that  Mr. 
Winston  Church- 
il  1      and      M  r. 

Horatio     Bottom-  1 

ley  were  away   in         e  r         ia-        •      .>     l    .  .l-      .     j     • 

-'  -'  bxoDT    Lady    (discussing    the    best    thing    to    do    in 

r  r  a  n  C  e  at  the  an  air-raid):  "  Well,  I  always  runs  about  meself.  You 
same      time     looks      s^^-   ^^   '"y    'usband    sez,    an'    very    reasonable    too,    a 

like     gross     care-    '"°'''"'  ^^'^'^  '"  ""^""^  '^^^^"''  *°  '''•" 
lessness.     In   this 

context  we  may  note  the  report  that  the  Eskimos  had  not 
until  quite  recently  heard  of  war,  which  seems  to  argue  slack- 
ness on  the  part  of  the  circulation  manager  of  the  DaWy  Mail. 


185 


Mr.  P^tnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


November,  igiy. 

THE  best  and  the  worst  news  comes  from  the  outlying 
fronts.  Allenby's  triumphant  advance  is  unchecked  in 
Palestine.  Gaza  has  fallen.  The  British  are  in  Jaffa. 
Jerusalem  is  threatened.  The  German-Austrian  drive  which 
began  at  Caporetto  has  been  stemmed,  and  the  Italians,  stiffened 
by  a  British  army  under  General  Plumer,  are  standing  firm 
on  the  Piave.  In  Mesopotamia  we  deplore  the  death  of  the 
gallant  Claude,  a  great  general  and  a  great  gentleman,  beloved 
by  all  ranks,  whose  career  is  an  abiding  answer  to  those  who 
maintain  that  no  good  can  come  out  of  our  public  schools  or 
the  Staff  training  of  regular  officers.  In  Russia  the  Bolshevist 
coup  d'etat  has  overthrown  the  Kerensky  regime  and  installed 
as  dictator  Lenin,  a  declasse  aristocrat,  always  the  most 
dangerous  of  revolutionaries.  On  the  Western  front  the  tide 
has  flowed  and  ebbed.  The  Germans  have  yielded  ground  on 
the  Chemin  des  Dames,  the  British  have  stormed  Passchendaele 
Ridge,  but  at  terrible  cost,  and  General  Byng's  brilliant  sur- 
prise attack  and  victory  at  Cambrai  has  been  followed  by  the 
fierce  reaction  of  ten  days  later.  But  perhaps  the  greatest  sensa- 
tion of  the  month  has  been  Mr.  Lloyd  George's  Paris  speech, 
with  its  disquieting  references  to  the  situation  on  the  Western 
front,  and  its  announcement  of  the  formation  of  the  new  Allied 
Council.  The  Premier's  defence  of,  and,  we  may  perhaps  say, 
recomposition  of  his  Paris  oration  before  the  House  of 
Commons  has  appeased  criticism  without  entirely  convincing 
those  who  have  been  anxious  to  know  how  the  Allied  Council 
would  work,  and  what  would  be  the  relations  between  the 
Council's  military  advisers  and  the  existing  General  Staff  of 
the  countries  concerned.  But  as  Mr.  Lloyd  George  confessed 
that  he  had  deliberately  made  a  "disagreeable  speech"  in  Paris 
in  order  to  get  it  talked  about,  the  Press  critics  whom  he  rebuked 
will  probably  consider  themselves  absolved. 

Parliament  has  for  once  repelled  the  gibe  that  it  has  ceased 
to  represent  the  people  in  the  tribute  of  praise  paid  by  Lords 
and  Commons  to  our  sailors  and  soldiers  and  all  the  other 
gallant  folk  who  are  helping  us  to  win  the  War.  On  the  strength 
of  this  capacity  foi   rising  to  the  occasion  one  may  pass  over 

1 86 


My  ^  ^ 


A  GREAT  INCENTIVE 

Mehmed  (leading    dispatch    from   the    All-Highest) :     "  Defend 
Jerusalem  at  all  costs  for  my  sake.     I  was  once  there  myself." 


187 


Mr.  Pnnc/is  History  of  the  Great  War 


the  many  sittings  at  which  a  small  minority  of  Pacificists  and 
irrelevant  inquisitors  have  dragged  the  House  down  to  the 
depths  of  ineptitude  or  worse.  In  the  debate  on  the  Air  Force 
in  Committee,  one  member,  if  we  count  speeches  and  interrup- 
tions, addressed  the  House  exactly  one  hundred  times,  and  it 


ONE   UPI 


is  worthy  of  note  that  his  last  words  were  :  "This  is  what  you 
call  muzzling  the  House  of  Commons."  If  we  were  to  believe 
some  critics,  the  British  Navy  is  directed  by  a  set  of  doddering 
old  gentlemen  who  are  afraid  to  let  it  go  at  the  Germans,  and 
cannot  even  safeguard  it  from  attack.  The  truth,  as  expounded 
by  the  First  Lord,  Sir  Eric  Geddes,  in  his  maiden  speech,  is 
quite  different.  Despite  the  Jeremiads  of  superannuated  sailors 
and  political  longshoremen,  the  Admiralty  is  not  going  to 
Davy  Jones's  locker,  but  under  its  present  chiefs,  who  have, 
with  very  few  exceptions,  seen  service  in  this  War,  maintains 
and  supplements  its  glorious  record. 

Save  for  an  occasional  game  of  "tip  and  run,"  as  with  the 

l88 


Rhondda  on  Rations 


North  Sea  convoy,  enemy  vessels  have  disappeared  on  the 
surface  of  the  ocean;  and  the  long  arm  of  the  British  Navy 
is  now  stretching  down  into  the  depths  and  up  into  the  skies 
in  successful  pursuit  of  them.  If  the  nation  hardly  realises 
what  it  owes  to  the  men  of  the  Fleet  and  their  splendid  com- 
r'ades  of  the  Auxiliary  Services,  it  is  because  this  work  is  done 
with  such  thoroughness  and  so  little  fuss,  and,  as  Mr.  Asquith 
put  it,  "in  the  twilight  and  not  in  the  limelight." 


Aunt  Maria  :  "  Do  you  know  I  once  actually  saw  the  Kaiser  riding 
through  the  streets  of  London  as  bold  as  brass.  If  I'd  known  then  what  I 
know  now  I'd  have  told  a  policeman." 

The  general  sense  of  the  community  is  now  practically 
agreed  that  compulsory  rationing  must  come,  and  the  sooner 
the  better.  Lord  Rhondda  is  still  hopeful  that  John  Bull  will 
tighten  his  own  belt  and  save  him  the  trouble.  But  if  we  fail, 
the  machinery  for  compulsion  is  all  ready. 

Reuter  reports  that  a  British  prisoner  has  been  sentenced 
to  a  year's  imprisonment  for  calling  the  Germans  "Huns." 
On  the  Western  front  Tommy  usually  calls  them  "Allymans," 
"Jerry,"  or  "Fritz."  But  even  if  this  prisoner  did  use  the  word 
he  cannot  be  blamed.     The  choice  was  the  Kaiser's  when,  as 

i8g 


M7\  Pimclis  History  of  the  Great  War 

Attila's  understudy,  "Go  forth,"  he  said,  "my  sons.  Go  and 
behave  exactly  as  the  Huns." 

Apropos  of  the  Kaiser,  it  appears  that  a  certain  Herr 
Stegerwald,  addressing  a  Berlin  meeting,  said:  "We  went 
to  war  at  the  side  of  the  Kaiser,  and  the  All-Highest  will  return 
from  war  with  us."  If  we  may  be  permitted  to  say  anything, 
we  expect  he  will  be  leading  by  at  least  a  couple  of  lengths. 

The  versatility  and  inventive  genius  of  the  Prime  Minister 
provoke  mingled  comment.  An  old  Parliamentarian,  when 
asked  to  what  party  Mr.  Lloyd  George  now  belonged, 
recently  answered:  "He  used  to  be  a  Radical;  he  will  some 
day  be  a  Conservative;  and  at  present  he  is  the  leader  of  the 
Improvisatories." 


December,  igiy. 

IT  seems  useless  to  attempt  to  cope  with  the  staggering 
multiplicity  of  events  crowded  into  the  last  few  weeks. 
Jerusalem  captured  in  this  last  crusade,  which  realises 
the  dream  of  Coeur  de  Lion  ;  Russia  "down  and  out  "  as  a  result 
of  the  armistice  and  the  Brest-Litovsk  Conference;  Germany's 
last  colony  conquered  in  East  Africa;  Lord  Lansdowne's 
letter;  the  retirement  of  Lord  Jellicoe;  while  in  one  single 
week  Cuba  has  declared  war  on  Austria,  the  Kaiser  has 
threatened  to  make  a  Christmas  peace  offer,  and  Mr.  Bernard 
Shaw  has  described  himself  as  "a  mere  individual."  We  have 
traversed  the  whole  gamut  of  sensation  from  the  sublime  and 
tragic  to  the  ridiculous;  and  Armageddon,  vulgarised  by  the 
vulgar  repetition  of  the  journalist,  has  redeemed  its  significance 
in  the  dispatches  from  our  Palestine  front.  The  simplicity  and 
dignity  of  General  Allenby's  entry  into  the  Syrian  town — 

Where  on   His  grave  with  shining  eyes 
The  Syrian  stars  look  down — 

afford  a  happy  contrast  to  the  boastful  pagehtry  of  the  Kaiser's 

visit  in  1898.     Meanwhile  it  has  not  yet  been  decided  in  Berlin 

what  the  Sultan  of  Turkey  thinks  of  the  capture  of  Jerusalem. 

Where  Russia  is  concerned  Mr.  Balfour  wisely  declines  to 

190 


BETRAYED 

The  Pander:   "Come  on;  come  and  be  kissed  by  him. 


IQI 


Mr,  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


be  included  among  the  prophets;  all  he  knows  is  that  she  has 
not  yet  evolved  a  Government  with  which  we  can  negotiate. 

There  is  a  Government  in  Germany,  but  neither  Govern- 
ment nor  people  afford  excuse  for  the  negotiations  which  Lord 
Lansdowne,  in  a  fit  of  war-weariness,  has  advocated  in  his 
letter  to  the  Daily  Telegraph.  His  unfortunate  intervention, 
playing  into  the  hands  of  Pacificists  and  Pro-Boches,  is  all  the 
more  to  be  deplored  in  a  public  servant  who  has  crowned  a 
long,  disinterested  and  distinguished  career  by  an  act  of 
grievous  disservice  to  his  country.  British  grit  will  win, 
declares  Sir  William  Robertson;  but  our  elderly  statesmen 
must  refrain  from  dropping  theirs  into  the  machinery.  Happily 
the  Government  are  determined  to  give  no  more  publicity  to 
the  letter  than  they  can  help.  On  the  Vote  of  Credit  for 
550  millions  the  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  has  been  invited 
by  Mr.  Dillon  to  make  a  survey  of  the  military  situation,  and  has 
replied  that  all  the  relevant  facts  are  known  already.  "The 
War  is  going  on ;  the  Government  and  the  country  intend  it 
shall  go  on;  and  money  is  necessary  to  make  it  go  on."  That 
was  a  good  answer  to  a  member  who  has  certainly  done  little 
to  receive  special  consideration.  Not  only  do  we  need  money; 
we  need  men  to  supply  the  gaps  caused  by  our  withdrawal  of 
troops  to  Italy  and  the  constant  wastage  on  all  fronts. 

Mr.  Balfour,  as  we  have  seen,  abstains  from  prophecy. 
Mr.  Dillon,  who,  with  other  Nationalists,  bitterly  resents  the 
decision  of  the  Government  to  apply  the  rules  of  arithmetic 
to  the  redistribution  of  seats  in  their  beloved  country,  has 
indulged  in  a  terrifying  forecast  which  ought  to  be  placed  on 
record.  He  has  threatened  the  House  with  the  possibility  that 
at  the  next  General  Election  he  and  his  colleagues  might  be 
wiped  out  of  existence. 

Tommy  is  a  very  great  man,  but  he  is  not  a  great  linguist, 
though  he  always  gets  what  he  wants  by  the  aid  of  signs  or  tele- 
p'athy.  Throe  years  nnd  some  odd  months  have  not  changed 
his  point  of  view,  and  now  for  Thomas  to  find  himself  in  Italy 
is  only  to  discover  another  lot  of  people  who  cannot  understand 
or  make  themselves  understood.  "Alliances,"  as  a  corre- 
spondent from  Italy  puts  it,  "are  things  as  wonderful  to  see  as 
they  are  magnificent  to  read  about.     I  do,  however,  regard  with 

192 


THE   NEED    OF   MEN 

Mr.  Punch  (to  the  Comber-out) :  "  More  power  to  your 
elbow,   sir.      But  when  are  you   going  to  fill   up  that  silly  gap  ? 

Sir  Auckland  Geddes  :  "  Hush !  Hush !  We're  waiting  for 
the    Millennium." 


»93 


Mr.  Pitnclis  Ilislory  of  the  Great  War 


something   approaching   alarm   the   new   language   which   will 
be  evolved  to  put  the  lot  of  us  on  complete  speaking  terms." 

Lord  Rhondda,  who  listened  from  the  Peers'  gallery  to 
the  recent  debate  in  the  Commons  on  Food  Control,  has  re- 
ceived a  quantity  of  advice  intended  to  help  him  in  minding 
his  p's  and  q's,  particularly  the  latter.  In  China,  we  read  in 
the  Daily  Express,   a  chicken  can  still  be  purchased  for  six- 


)  r    i 


I 


"=;ri^''~ 


y 


^ 


'h. 


v^ 


THE   NEW   LANGUAGE 


Tommy    (lo    inquisitive    French    children) :    "  Nah.    then,   alley   toot   sweet,    an 
the  looter  the  feeler  !  " 


pence;  intending  purchasers  should  note,  however,  that  at 
present  the  return  fare  to  Shanghai  brings  the  total  cost  to  a 
figure  a  trifle  in  excess  of  the  present  London  prices.  More 
bread  is  being  eaten  than  ever,  according  to  the  Food  Con- 
troller; but  it  appears  that  the  stuff  is  now  eaten  by  itself  instead 
of  being  spread  thinly  on  butter,  as  in  pre-war  days.  Bloaters 
have  reached  the  unprecedented  price  of  sixpence  each.  This 
is  no  more,  as  we  have  seen,  than  a  chicken  fetches  in  China, 
but  it  is  enough  to  dispel  the  hope  that  bloaters,  at  any  rate 
over  the  Christmas  season,  would  remain  within  the  reach  of 
the  upper  classes.  At  a  Guildford  charity  \Hc  the  \\ inner  of 
a  hurdle  race  has  been  awarded  a  new-laid  ^g^.    If  he  succeeds 

194 


Christmas  and  the  Children 


in  winning  it  three  years  in  succession  it  is  to  become  his  own 
property . 

Christmas  has  come  round  again,  and  peace  stiil  seems 
a  far-off  thing.  "What  shall  he  have  that  killed  the  deer?" 
someone  asks  somebody  else  in  As.  You  Like  It.  But 
there  is  a  better  question  than  that,  and  it  is  this:  "What 
shall  they  have  that  preserve  the  little  dears  ?  "  And  the 
answer  is — honour  and  support.  For  there  can  be  no  doubt 
that  in  these  critical  times,  when  the  life  of  the  best  and 
bravest  and  strongest  is  so  cheap,  no  duty  is  more  important 
than  the  cherishing  of  infancy,  and  the  provision  of  seasonable 
joys  to  the  youngest  generation,  gentle  and  simple.  More  than 
ever  Mr.  Punch  welcomes  the  coming  of  Santa  Klaus  : 

Thou   who  on   earth    was  nam6d    Nicholas — 
There  be  dull  clods  who  doubt  thy  magic  power 
To  tour  the  sleeping  world  in  half-an-hour, 

And   pop  down  all  the  chimneys  as  you   pass 
With  woolly  lambs  and  dolls  of  frabjous   size 
For  grubby   hands   and   wonder-laden   eyes. 

Not  so  thy   singer,   who  believes   in   thee 

Because  he  has  a  young  and  foolish  spirit ; 

Because   the   simple  faith   that   bards   inherit 
Of  happiness   is   still  the   master  key, 

Opening   life's    treasure-house   to   whoso  clings 

To  the  dim  beauty   of  imagined   things. 


Jamtary,  igiS. 

WHILE    avoiding    as    a    rule    the    fashionable    rule    of 
prophet,  Mr.  Punch  is  occasionally  tempted  to  indulge 
in    prediction.     The   year   1918,    in    which    France   is 
greeting  in  increasing  numbers  the  heirs  of  the  Pilgrim  Fathers, 
is  going  to  be  America's  year.     As  for  the  Kaiser, 

A  Fatherland  Poet  was  busy  of  late 
In  making  the  Kaiser  a  new  Hymn  of  Hate; 
Perhaps,  ere  its  echoes  have  time  to  grow  dim, 
The  Huns  may  be  learning  a  new  Hate  of  Him. 
195 


Mr.  PuncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


In  this  prophetic  strain  Mr.  Punch  has  been  musinq:  on  the 
fortunes  of  the  Hohenzollerns  under  a  German  Republic.  Will 
the  ex-Kaiser  be  appointed  to  the  post  of  official  Gatherer  of 
Scraps  of  Paper,  or  start  in  business  as  a  second-hand  ward- 
robe dealer  with  a  large  assortment  of  slightly  soiled  uniforms? 
Or  will  he  be  ordered  to  ring  a  joy-bell  on  the  anniversary  of 
the  inauguration  of  the  German  Republic? 

These  are  attractive  speculations,  but  a  trifle  previous,  while 
hospital  ships  are  still  being  torpedoed,   U-boats  are  busy  at 


<-<!»¥^nni 


The  ex-Kaiser  is  appointed  to  the  post  of  official   gatherer  of  scraps  of  paper. 

Funchal,  and  the  bonds  of  German  influence  and  penetration 
are  being  forged  anew  at  Brest-Litovsk.  The  latest  news 
from  that  quarter  seems  to  indicate  that  the  Kaiser  desires 
peace — at  any  rate  for  the  duration  of  the  War.  And 
already  there  is  a  talk  of  a  German  counter-offensive  on  a 
colossal  scale  on  the  Western  front.  So  that  Mr.  Punch's 
message  for  the  New  Year  is  couched  in  no  spirit  of  premature 
jubilation,  but  rather  appeals  for  fortitude  and  endurance. 

How  needful  such  an  appeal  is  may  be  gathered  from  the 
proceedings  at  Westminster,  less  fit  for  the  Mother  than  the 
Mummy  of  Parliaments,  where  "doleful  question ists  "  exhume 
imaginary  grievances  or  display  their  "nerve"  by  claiming 
the    increase    in    pay    recently    granted    to    fighting    men    for 

ig6 


TO  ALL  AT  HOME 


197 


Mr,  Punclis  History  of  the  Gi^eat  War 


conscientious  objectors  in  the  Non-Combatant  Corps.  The 
interest  taken  by  one  of  this  group  in  Army  Dentistry  inspires 
the  wish  that  "the  treatment  of  jaw-cases"  mentioned  by  the 
Under-Secretary  for  War  could  be  applied  on  the  Parliamentary 
front.  Head-hunting  is  in  full  swing.  This  classical  sport, 
as  practised  in  Borneo,  involved  the  discharge  of  poisoned 
darts  through  a  blow-pipe,  and  the  House  of  Commons  has 
not  materially  altered  the  method.  In  the  attack  of  January  23 
it  is  supposed  that  the  Head  of  the  Government  was  aimed 
at;  but  most  of  the  shots  went  wide  and  hit  the  Head  of  our 
Army  in  France.  Ministers  have  not  distinguished  themselves 
except  by  their  capacity  for  "butting-in  "  and  eating  their 
words.  Public  opinion  has  been  inflamed  rather  than  en- 
lightened by  the  discussions  on  unity  of  command,  and  the 
newspaper  campaign  directed  against  our  War  chiefs.  Mean- 
while, the  Suffragists  have  triumphantly  surmounted  their  last 
obstacle  in  the  House  of  Lords,  and  Votes  for  Women  is  now 
an  accomplished  fact.  But  the  Irish  Andromeda  still  awaits 
her  Perseus,  gazing  wanly  at  her  various  champions  in  Con- 
vention. The  Ulsterman's  plea  for  conscription  in  Ireland 
has  been  rejected  after  Sir  Auckland  Geddes  had  declared  that 
it  would  be  of  no  use  as  a  solution  of  the  present  difficulty. 
He  did  not  give  his  reasons,  but  they  are  believed  to  be  Con- 
ventional. Mr.  Barnes  has  described  the  Government  as 
"living  on  the  top  of  a  veritable  volcano,"  but,  in  spite  of  the 
context,  the  phrase  must  not  be  taken  to  refer  to  the  Minister 
of  Munitions,  who,  as  everybody  knows,  cannot  be  sat  upon. 
Military  experts  tell  us  that  this  is  a  "Q"  war,  meaning 
thereby  that  the  Quartermaster-General's  department  is  the 
one  that  matters.  Naval  experts  sometimes  drop  hints  attach- 
ing another  significance  to  that  twisty  letter.  Harassed  house- 
keepers are  beginning  to  think  that  this  is  a  "queue-war,"  and 
look  to  Lord  Rhondda  to  end  it.  For  the  moment  the  elusive 
rabbit  has  scored  a  point  against  the  Food  Controller,  but  public 
confidence  in  his  ability  is  not  shaken.  All  classes  are  being 
drawn  together  by  a  communion  of  inconvenience.  The  sporting 
miner's  wife  can  no  longer  afford  dog  biscuits  :  "Our  dog's  got 
to  eat  what  we  eats  now."  And  the  pathetic  appeal  of  the  smart 
fashionable   for  lump  sugar,  on   the  ground  that  her  darling 

198 


Lights  a7id  Leading 


Fido  cannot  be  expected  to  catch  a  spoonful  of  Demerara  from 
the  end  of  his  nose,  leaves  the  grocer  cold.  A  dairyman 
charged  with  selling  unsatisfactory  milk  has  explained  to  the 
Bench  that  his  cows  were  suffering  from  shell-shock, 
himself  is  now 
suffering  from 
shell  -  out -shock. 
A  t    RamsGrate    a 


He 


f^^^?^^'^<'<;^-^^^^sii'$^:^^^^=^^^^^:!^^ 


shopkeeper  has 
exhibited  a  notice 
in  his  window 
announcing  that 
"  better  days  are 
in  store."  What 
most  people  want 
is  butter  days. 

The  disquieting 
activities  of  the 
"giddy  Gotha" 
involve  drastic 
enforcement  of 
the  lighting 
orders,  and  the 
moon  is  still  an 
object  o  f  suspi- 
cion. Pessimists 
and  those  critics 
who  are  never 
content  unless 
each  day  brings 
a  spectacular  suc- 
cess, seem  to  have  taken  for  their  motto  :  "It's  not  what  I  mean, 
but  what  I  say,  that  matters."  But  the  moods  of  the  non-com- 
batant are  truly  chameleonic.  Civilians  summoned  to  tlie  War 
Office  pass  from  confidence  to  abasement,  and  from  abasement 
to  megalomania  in  the  space  of  half  an  hour. 

Turkey,  it  appears,  has  sent  an  urgent  appeal  to  Berlin 
for  funds.  The  disaster  to  the  Goeben  can  be  endured,  since 
the  Sultan  can  now  declare  a  foreshore  claim,  and  do  a  little 

199 


Orderly  Sergeant:  "Lights  out,  there." 
Voice  from  the  Hot:   "It's  the  moon.  Sergint." 

Orderly   Sergeant  •    "  I  don't  give  a  d what 

it  is.     Put  it  out!  " 


Mr,  Pttnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


salvage  profiteering;  but  Palestine  is  another  matter.  Since 
General  Allenby's  advance  "running  "  expenses  have  sv^allowed 
up  a  formidable  total.  The  War  is  teaching  us  many  things, 
including  geography.  We  are  taking  a  lively  interest  in  the 
Ukraine,  and  the  newspapers  daily  add  to  our  stock  of  interest- 
ing knowledge.  Apropos  of  General  Allenby's  entry  into 
Jerusalem,  we  learn  that  "the  predominance  of  the  tar  brush 
in  the  streets  added  to  the  brightness  of  the  scene,"  and  in 
connection  with  his  return  to  Cairo,  that  "the  MacCabean  Boy 
Scouts  "  took  part  in  the  reception — presumably  the  Cadet  Corps 
of  the  Jordan  Highlanders.  But  the  most  reassuring  news 
comes  from  the  enemy  Press.  "It  is  simply  a  miracle,"  says 
the  Cologne  Gazette,  "that  the  Germans  have  so  loyally  stood 
by  their  leaders,"  and  for  once  we  are  wholly  in  agreement  with 
our  German  contemporary. 

If  Mr.  Punch  may  exert  his  privilege  of  turning  abruptly 
to  grave  from  gay,  the  claim  may  be  allowed  on  behalf  of  the 
youngest  generation,  already  remembered  in  the  chronicle  of 
last  month. 

CHILDREN    OF    CONSOLATION 

By  the  red  road  of  storm  and  stress 

Their  fathers'  footsteps  trod, 
They  come,   a  cloud  of  witnesses, 

The  messengers  of  God. 

Cradled  upon   some  radiant  gleam, 

Like  living  hopes  they  lie, 
The  rainbow  beauty  of  a  dream 

Against  a  stormy  sky. 

Before  the  tears  of  love  were  dried. 

Or  anguish  comfort  knew, 
The  gates  of  home   were  opened   wide 

To  let  the  pilgrims  through. 

Pledges  of  faith,   divinely   fair, 

From  peaceful  worlds  above 
Against  the  onslaught  of  despair 

They  hold  the  fort  of  love. 


200 


I  am  bidden   to   the   War 
Office. 


I  depart  for  it.  I  approach  it. 


I  enter.  I  am  not  observed.  I  am  still  not  observed. 


i  am  observed. 


I  am  spoken  to  (and 
still  live). 


I   continue  to   be 
spoken   to. 


I  am  spoken  to  quite         1  am  shaken  hands  with, 
nicely. 


I  take  my  leave. 


THE   CIVILIAN  AND  THE  WAR   OFFICE 

201 


Mr.  P7LncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Febrjcary,  igiS. 

"^"X  7ATCHMAN,   what  of  the  nio-ht?"     The  hours  pass 

%/%/      amid  the  clash  of  rumours  and  discordant  voices — 

optimist,  pessimist,  pacificist.     Only  in  the  answer  of 

the  fighting  man,  who  knows  and  says  little,  but  is  ready  for 

anything,    do    we    find    the    best    remedy    for    impatience   and 

misgiving  : 

"Soldier,   what  of  the  night?  " 

"Vainly  ye  question  of  me; 
I  know  not,  I  hear  not  nor  see; 

The  voice  of  the  prophet  is  dumb 
Here  in  the  heart  of  the  fight. 

I  count  the  hours  on  their  way; 
I  know  not  when  morning  shall  come ; 
Enough  that  I  work  for  the  day." 

The  first  Brest-Litovsk  Treaty  has  been  signed,  followed 
in  nine  days  by  the  German  invasion  of  Russia,  an  apt  com- 
ment on  what  an  English  paper,  by  a  misprint  which  is  really 
an  inspiration,  calls  "the  Brest  Nogotiations." 

The  record  of  the  Bolshevist  regime  is  already  deeply 
stained  with  the  massacre  of  the  innocents,  but  Lenin  and 
Trotsky  can  plead  an  august  example.  More  than  fourteen 
thousand  British  non-combatants — men,  women  and  children — 
have  been  murdered  by  the  Kaiser's  command.  And  the 
rigorous  suppression  of  the  strikes  in  Berlin  furnishes  a  useful 
test  of  his  recent  avowals  of  sympathy  with  democratic  ideals. 
By  way  of  a  set-ofT  the  German  Press  Bureau  has  circulated 
a  legend  of  civil  war  in  London,  bristling  with  circumstantial 
inaccuracies.  The  enemy's  successes  in  the  field — the  occupa- 
tion of  Reval  and  the  recapture  of  Trebizond — are  the  direct 
outcome  of  the  Russian  debacle.  Our  capture  of  Jericho  marks 
a  further  stage  in  a  sustained  triumph  of  good  generalship 
and  hard  fighting,  which  verifies  an  old  prophecy  current 
among  the  Arabs  in  Palestine  and  Syria,  viz.  that  when  the 
waters  of  the  Nile  flow  into  Palestine,  a  prophet  from  the 
West  will  drive  the  Turk  out  of  the  Arab  countries.  The  first 
part  of  the  prophecy  was  fulfilled  by  the  pipe-line  which  has 
brought  Nile  water  (taken  from  the  frebh-water  canal)  for  the 

202 


THE   LIBERATORS 

First  Bolshevik:  "Let  me  see;  we've  made  an  end  of  Law. 
Credit,  Treaties,  the  Army  and  the  Navy.  Is  there  anything  else 
to  abolish?  " 

Second  Bolshevik  :  "  What  about  War  ?  " 

First  Bolshevik:  "Good!  And  Peace  too.  Away  with  both 
of  'em  !  " 


203 


Mr.  Pimcli  s  History  of  the  Great  War 


use  of  the  Egyptian  Expeditionary  Force  across  the  Sinai 
desert  to  the  neighbourhood  of  Gaza.  The  second  part  was 
fulfilled  by  the  fact  that  General  Allenby's  name  is  rendered 
in  Arabic  by  exactly  the  same  letters  which  form  the  words 
"El  Nebi,"  i.e.  the  Prophet. 

At  home  we  have  seen  the  end  of  the  seventh  session  of  a 
Parliament  which  by  its  own  rash  Act  should  have  committed 
suicide  two  years  ago.  Truly  the  Kaiser  has  a  lot  to  answer 
for.  On  the  last  day  but  one  of  the  session  184  questions  were 
put,  the  information  extracted  from  Ministers  being,  as  usual, 
in  inverse  ratio  to  the  curiosity  of  the  questioners.  The  open- 
ing of  the  eighth  session  showed  no  change  in  this  respect. 
The  debate  on  the  Address  degenerated  into  a  series  of  personal 
attacks  on  the  Premier  by  members  who,  not  without  high 
example,  regard  this  as  the  easiest  road  to  fame.  The  only 
persons  who  have  a  right  to  congratulate  themselves  on  the 
discussion  are  the  members  of  the  German  General  Staff,  who 
may  not  have  learned  anything  that  they  did  not  know  before, 
but  have  undoubtedly  had  certain  shrewd  suspicions  confirmed. 
Mr.  Bonar  Law,  in  one  of  his  engaging  bursts  of  self-revelation, 
observed  that  he  had  no  more  interest  in  this  Prime  Minister 
than  he  had  in  the  last;  but  the  House  generally  seemed  to 
agree  with  Mr.  Adamson,  the  Labour  leader,  who,  before 
changing  horses  again,  wanted  to  be  sure  that  he  was  going 
to  get  a  better  team.  A  week  later,  on  the  day  on  which  the 
Prince  of  Wales  took  his  seat  in  the  Lords,  Lord  Derby 
endeavoured  to  explain  why  the  Government  had  parted  with 
Sir  William  Robertson,  the  Chief  of  the  Imperial  Staff,  and 
replaced  him  by  General  Wilson.  It  is  hard  to  say  whether 
the  Peers  were  convinced.  Simultaneously  in  the  House  of 
Commons  the  Prime  Minister  was  engaged  in  the  same  task, 
but  with  greater  success.  Mr.  Lloyd  George  has  no  equal 
in  the  art  of  persuading  an  audience  to  share  his  faith  in  him- 
self. How  far  our  military  chiefs  approved  the  recent  decision 
of  the  Versailles  Conference  is  not  known.  But  everyone 
applauds  the  patriotic  self-effacement  of  Sir  William  Robertson 
in  silently  accepting  the  Eastern  Command  at  home. 

In   Parliament  the  question  of  food  has  been  discussed  in 
both  Houses  with  the  greatest  gusto.    Throughout  the  country 

204 


Euclid  Revised 


it  is  the  chief  topic  of  conversation.  To  the  ordinary  queues 
we  now  have  to  add  processions  of  conscientious  disgorgers 
patriotically  evading    prosecution.      The    problem    "Is    tea    a 


SECRET   DIPLOMACY 

Wife  :    "  George,   there  are  two  strange  men   digging  up  the  garden." 
George  :    "  It's  all  right,  dear.     A    brainy    idea    of    mine    to    get    the  garden 

dug  up.     I  wrote    an    anonymous    letter    to    the    Food    Controller  and   told  him 

there  was  a  large  box  of  food  buried  there." 
Wife  :    "  Heavens  !      But  there  is  /  " 


food  or  is  it  not?  "  convulses  our  Courts,  and  the  axioms  of 
Euclid  call  for  revision  as  follows  : 

*'  Parallel  lines  are  those  which  in  a  queue,  if  only  produced 
far  enough,  never  mean  meat." 

"If  there  be  two  queues  outside  two  different  butchers' 
shops,  and  the  length  and  the  breadth  of  one  queue  be  equal 
to  the  length  and  breadth  of  the  other  queue,  each  to  each, 
but  the  supplies  in  one  shop  are  greater  than  the  supplies  in 
the  other  shop,  then  the  persons  in  the  one  queue  will  get 
more  meat  than  those  in  the  other  queue,  which  is  absurd,  and 
Rhondda  ought  to  see  about  it." 

All  the  same,  Lord  Rhondda  is  a  stout  fellow  who  goes  on 

205 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


his  way  with  an  imperviousness  to  criticism- criticism  that  is 
often  selfish  and  contemptible — which  augurs  well  for  his 
ultimate  success  in  the  most  thankless  of  all  jobs. 


Indignant  War-Worker  :  "And  sKc  actually  asked  me  if  I  didn't  lliink  I 
migKt  be  doing  something!  Me?  And  I  haven't  missed  achaiity  matinee  for 
the  last  three  months." 

Food  at  the  front  is  another  matter,  and  Mr.  Punch  is  glad 
to  print  the  tribute  of  one  of  his  war-poets  to  the  "Cookers  "  : 

The  Company  Cook  is  no  great  fighter, 

And  there's  never  a   medal  for  hitn  to  wear, 
Though  he  camps  in  the  shell-swept  waste,  poor  blighter, 

And  many  a  cook  has  "copped  it"  there; 
But  the  boys  go  over  on  beans  and  bacon, 

.■\nd  Tommy  is  best  when  lommy  has  dined. 
So  here's  to  the  Cookers,  the  plucky  old  Cookers, 

And  the  sooty  old   Cooks  that  waddle  behind. 

"It  is  Germany,"  says  a  German  paper,  "who  will  speak 
the  last  word  in  this  War."  ^'es,  and  the  last  word  will  be 
"Kamerad!  "  But  that  word  will  be  spoken  in  spite  of  many 
pseudo-war-workers  on  the  Home  I'ront. 

206 


The  Begin7iing  of  the  Rnd 


Among  the  many  wonders  of  the  War  one  of  the  most 
wonderful  is  the  sailor-man,  three  times,  four  times,  five  times 
torpedoed,  who  yet  wants  to  sail  once  more.  But  there  is  one 
thing  that  he  never  wants  to  do  again — to  "pal  "  with  Friiz 
the  square-head  : 

"When  peace  is  signed  and  treaties  made  an'  trade  begins  again, 
There's  some'll  shake  a  German's  'and  an'  never  see  the  stain; 
But  not  me,"  says  Dan  the  sailor-man,  "not  me,  as  God's  on  high — 
Lord  knows  it's  bitter  in  an  open  boat  to  see  your  shipmates  die." 

Among  the  ignoble  curiosities  of  the  time  we  note  the 
following  advertisements  in  a  Manchester  newspaper  of  "wants" 
in  our  "indispensable"  industries:  "Tennis  ball  inflators, 
cutters  and  makers"  and  "Caramel  wrappers";  while  a 
Brighton  paper  has  "Wanted,  two  dozen  living  flies  weekly 
during  the  remainder  of  winter  for  two  Italian  frogs." 

The  situation  in  Ireland  remains  unchanged,  and  suggests 
the  following  historical  division  of  eras.  (i)  Pagan  era; 
(2)  Christian  era;  (3)  De  Valera. 


March,  IQ18. 

ONCE  again  the  month  of  the  War-God  has  been  true 
to  Its  name.  March,  opening  in  suspense,  with  the 
Kaiser  and  his  Chancellor  still  talking  of  peace,  has 
closed  in  a  crisis  of  acute  anxiety  for  the  Allies.  The  expected 
has  happened;  the  long-advertised  German  attack  has  been 
delivered  in  the  West,  and  the  war  of  movement  has  begun. 
Breaking  through  the  Fifth  British  Army,  in  five  davs  the 
Germans  have  advanced  twenty-five  miles,  to  within  artillery 
range  of  Amiens  and  the  main  lateral  railway  behind  the  British 
lines.  Bapaume  and  P(^ronne  have  fallen.  The  Americans 
have  entered  the  war  in  tiie  firing  line.  It  is  the  beginning 
of  the  end,  the  supreme  test  of  the  soul  of  the  nation  : 

The  little  things  of  which  we  lately  chattered— 
The  dearth  of  taxis  or  the  dawn  of  Spring; 
207 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Themes  we  discussed  as  thoug"h  they   really  mattered, 
Like   rationed   meat  or   raiders  on   the  wing; — 

How  thin   it  seems  to-day,   this  vacant   prattle, 
Drowned   by   the   thunder   rolling-  in   the  West, 

Voice  of  the  great   arbitrament  of   battle 
That  puts  our  temper  to  the  final  lest. 

Thither  our  eyes  arc  turned,  our  hearts  arc  straining, 
Where  those  we  love,  whose  courage  laughs  at  fear. 

Amid  the  storm  of  steel  around  them  raining. 
Go  to  their  death  for  all  we  hold  most  dear. 

New-born  of  this  supremest  hour  of  trial, 
In   quiet  confidence  shall  be  our  strength, 

Fixed  on   a  faith  that  will   not  take  denial 

Nor  doubt  that  we  have  found  our  soul  at  length. 

O   England,   staunch  of  nerve  and  strong  of  sinew. 
Best  when  you  face  the  odds  and  stand  at  bay  ; 

Now  show  a  watching  world  what  stuff  is  in  you  ! 
Now  make  your  soldiers  proud  of  you  to-day  ! 

Of  our  soldiers  we  at  home  cannot  be  too  proud,  from 
Field-Marshal  to  officer's  servant.  As  one  of  Mr.  Punch's 
correspondents  at  the  front  writes:  "Dawn  to  me  hereafter 
will  not  be  personified  ns  a  rosy-finc^ered  damsel  or  a  lovely 
swift-footed  deity,  but  as  a  sturdy  little  man  in  khaki,  crimson- 
eared  with  cold,  heralded  and  escorted  by  frozen  wafts  of  outer 
air,  bearing  in  one  knobby  fist  a  pair  of  boots,  and  in  the  other 
a  tin  mug  of  black  and  smoking  tea."  As  for  the  charities  and 
courtesies  of  war,  as  interpreted  by  our  soldiers,  Mr.  Punch 
can  wish  for  no  better  illustration  than  in  these  lines  on  "The 
German  graves  "  : 

I   wonder  are  there  roses  still 

In  Ablain  St.   Nazaire, 
And  crosses  girt  with   daffodil 

In  that  old  garden  there. 
I   wonder  if  the  long  grass  waves 

With   wild-flowers  just   the  same, 
Where   Germans   made  their  soldiers'   graves 

Before   the    English    came? 
208 


MADE   IN  GERMANY 

Civilisation:  •'What's  that  supposed  to  represent  ^  " 
Imperial  Artist:  "Why.  'Peace.'  of  course  " 
Civilisation:  "  Well.  I  don't  recognise  it-and  1  never  shall 


209 


Mr.  Piuiclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


The   English   set  those  crosses   straight 

And  kept  the  legends  clean ; 
The   English   made  the  wicket-gate 

And  left  the  garden  green  ; 
And  now  who  knows  what  regiments  dwell 

In  Ablain  St.    Nazaire? 
But  I  would  have  them  guard  as  well 

The  graves  we  guarded  there. 

And  when  at  last  the   Prussians  pass 

Among  those  mounds  and  see 
The  reverent  cornflowers  crowd  the  grass 

Because  of  you  and  me, 
They'll  give,   perhaps,  one  humble  thought 

To  all  the  "  English  fools  " 
Who  fought  as  never  men  have  fought 

But  somehow  kept  the  rules. 

To  turn  from  the  crowning  ordeal  of  our  Armies  to  the 
activities  of  British  politicians  on  the  eve  of  the  great  German 
attack  is  not  a  soul-animating  experience.  Indeed,  the  efforts 
of  Messrs.  Snovvden  and  Trevelyan,  Pringle  and  King  almost 
justify  the  assumption  that  Hindenburg  would  have  launched 
his  offensive  earlier  but  for  his  desire  not  to  interfere  with  the 
great  ofTcnsive  conducted  by  his  friends  on  the  Westminster 
front.  Our  anti-patriots,  however,  are  placed  in  a  dilemma. 
They  were  bound  to  side  with  Germany,  because  of  their 
rooted  belief  that  England  always  must  be  wrong.  They  were 
bound  to  hail  the  Bolshevik  self-dcterminators  because  of  their 
entirely  sound  views  on  peace  at  any  price.  But  now  their  two 
loves  are  fighting  like  cats.  Hence  the  problem  :  "Which  am  I 
(both  can't  well  be  right),  Pro-German  or  Pro-Trotskyite  ?  " 
Discussions  of  pig  shortage,  commandeered  premises,  the 
relations  of  the  Government  and  Press,  and  the  duties  of  the 
Directors  of  Propaganda  leave  us  cold  or  impatient.  But 
members  of  all  parties  have  been  united  in  genuine  grief  over 
the  death  of  Mr.  John  Redmond,  snatched  away  just  when 
his  distracted  country  most  needed  his  moderating  influence. 
For  in  their  anxiety  not  to  interfere  with  the  deliberations  of 
those  patriotic  Irishmf'n  who  are  trying  to  settle  how  Ireland 

2IO 


Compulsion  by  Coupon 


shall  be  governed  in  the  future,  the  Government  are  allowing 
It  to  become  ungovernable  by  anybody.  A  new  and  agreeable 
Parliamentary  innovation  has  been  introduced  by  Sir  Eric 
Geddes  in  the  shape  of  an  immense  diagram  showing  the 
downward  tendency  of  the  U-boat  activities.  Other  orators 
might  with  advantage  follow  this  method.  Indeed,  there  are 
some  whose  speeches  would  be  more  enjoyable  if  they  were 


Customer 
five-pen 


BY   SPECIAL  REQUEST 

rOMER:   "H-e.  waiter,   take  a  coupon  off  this  and  ask   the   band  to  pi 
north  of  'The  Roast   Beef  of  Old  England.'" 


all  diagrams.  As  for  that  pledge  of  the  New  Citizenship  the 
Education  Bill,  the  debate  on  the  second  reading  has  been 
such  a  long  eulogy  of  its  author  that  Mr.  Fisher  would  be 
well  advised  to  ofifer  a  propitiatory  sacrifice  to  Nemesis. 

Compulsory  rationing  is  now  an  established  fact,  and  the 
temporary  disappearance  of  marmalade  from  the  breakfast  table 
has  called  forth  many  a  cri  de  coeur.    As  one  lyrist  puts  it  : 

Let  Beef  and  Butter,  Rolls  and  Rabbits  fade, 

But  give  me  back  my  love,   my  Marmalade. ' 

211 


Mr,  l^iuicli  s  History  of  the  Great  War 


And  another  has  addressed  this  touching  vow  tc>  margarine  : 

Whether  the  years  prove  fat  or  lean 

This  vow  I  here  rehearse  : 
I  take  you,  dearest  Margarine, 

For  butter  or  for  worse. 

It  is  reported  that  the  Government's  standard  suits  for 
men's  wear  will  soon  be  available.  One  is  occasionally  tempted 
to  hope  that  women's  costumes  might  be  similarly  standardised. 


e^.«  -.*^-^ 


THE   COAT  THAT   DIDN'T   COME   OFF 


The  German  Press  announces  the  death  of  the  notorious 
"Captain  of  Koepenick,"  and  the  Cologne  Gazette  refers  to 
him  as  "the  only  man  who  ever  succeeded  in  making  the 
German  Army  look  ridiculous."  This  is  the  kind  of  subtle 
flattery  that  the  Hohenzollerns  really  appreciate. 

212 


Hopes  and  Fears 


April,  igi8. 

WE   have   reached  the  darkest   hours  of  the  War  and 
the  clouds  have  not  yet  lifted,  though  the  rate  of  the 
German   advance   has   already   begun    to   slow   down. 
On    the    nth   the   enemy   broke   through   at   Armenti^res  and 
pushed  their  advantage  till  another  wedge  was  driven  into  the 
British  line.    On  the  12th  Sir  Douglas  Haig  issued  his  historic 
order  :  "With  our  backs  to  the  wall,  and  believing  in  the  justice 
of  our  cause,  each  one  of  us  must  fight  to  the  end.    The  safety 
of  our  homes  and  the  freedom  of  mankind  depend  alike  upon 
the  conduct  of  each  one  of  us  at  the  critical  moment."     The 
Amiens  line  being  under  fire,  it  was  impossible  to  bring  French 
reinforcements  north  in  time  to  save  Kemmel  Hill  and  stave  off 
the  menace  to  the  Channel  ports.     The  tale  of  our  losses  is 
grievous,     and    for     thousands     and     thousands    of     families 
nothing  can   ever  be  the  same  again.     The  ordeal  of   Paris 
has  been  renewed  by  shelling  from  the  German  long-distance 
gun,  the  last  and  most  sensational  of  German  surprise-packets. 
These  are  indeed  dark  days,  yet  already  lit  by  hopeful  omens — 
the  closer  union  of  the  Allies,  the  appointment  of  the  greatest 
French  military  genius,  General  Foch,  as  Generalissimo  of  the 
Allied  Forces,  and  his  calm  assurance  that  we  have  as  yet  lost 
"nothing  vital."     America  is  pouring  men   into  France  and, 
without  waiting  to  complete  the  independent  organisation  of 
her    Army,    has   chivalrously   sent    her   troops   forward    to   be 
brigaded  with  French  and  British  units.     Even  now  there  are 
optimists,  who  are  not  fools,  who  maintain  that  Germany  has 
shot  her  last  bolt  and  knows  that  she  is  losing.     It  is  at  least 
remarkable   that   German    newspapers   are   daily   excusing   the 
failure  of  their  offensive  to  secure  all  its  objectives.    There  is 
clearly  something  wrong  with  the  time-table  and,  in  the  race  of 
Man  Power,  time  is  on  the  side  of  the  Allies. 

Truth,  long  gagged  and  disguised,  is  coming  to  light  in 
Germany.  This  has  been  the  month  of  the  Lichnowsky  dis- 
closures—the Memoir  of  their  Ambassador,  vindicating  British 
diplomacy  and  saddling  Germany  with  the  responsibility  for 
the  War.  The  time  of  publication  is  indeed  unfortunate  for  the 
Kaiser,  who  has  been  telling  us  how  bitterly  he  hates  war. 

213 


Mr.  Pujiclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


For  now  from  German  lips  the  world  may  know 

Facts   that   should   want  some   skill    for  their  confounding"- 

How  Potsdam  forced  alike  on  friend  and  foe 
A  war  of  Potsdam's  sole  compounding. 


THE   COMING   ARMY 

Father  :    "  Here's  to  the  fighter  of  lucky  eighteen  1 " 
Son  :    "And  here's  to  the  soldier  of  fifty!" 

How  you,   who  itched  to  see  the  bright  sword  lunged, 
Still  bleating  peace  like   innocent  lambs  in  clover, 

In   all  that  bloody   business  you  were   plunged 
Up  to  your  neck  and   something  over. 

And,   having  fed  on  little  else  but  lies, 

Your  people,  with  the  hollow  place  grown  larger 

Now  that  the  truth   has  cut  off  these  supplies, 
&Iay   want  your  head   upon   a  charger. 

214 


THE  DEATH   LORD 

The  Kaiser  (on  reading  the  appalling  tale  of  German  losses) 
"  What  matter,  so  we  Hohenzollerns  survive  ?  " 


215 


Mr.  Pitncli s  History  of  the  Great  War 


And  what  has  England's  answer  been,  apart  from  the 
stubborn  and  heroic  resistance  of  her  men  on  the  Western 
Front?  The  answer  is  to  be  found  in  the  immediate  resolve 
to  raise  the  age  limit  for  service  to  50,  still  more  in  the  glorious 
exploit  of  Zeebrugge  and  Ostend,  in  the  incredible  valour 
of  the  men  who  volunteered  for  and  carried  through  what  is 
perhaps  the  most  astonishing  and  audacious  enterprise  in  the 
annals  of  the  Navy. 

The  pageantry  of  war  has  gone,  but  here  at  least  is  a  magnifi- 
cence of  achievement  and  self-sacrifice  on  the  epic  scale  which 
beggars  description  and  transcends  praise.  The  hornet's  nest 
that  has  pestered  us  so  long,  if  not  rooted  out,  has  been  badly 
damaged;  our  sailors,  dead  and  living,  have  once  more  proved 
themselves  masters  of  the  impossible. 

At  home  Parliament,  resuming  business  after  the  Easter 
recess,  began  by  giving  a  second  Reading  to  a  Drainage  Bill, 
and  ended  its  first  sitting  in  an  Irish  bog.  Ireland  throughout 
the  month  has  dominated  the  proceedings,  aloof  and  irrecon- 
cilable, brooding  over  past  wrongs,  blind  to  the  issues  of  the 
War  and  turning  her  back  on  its  realities.  Mr.  Lloyd  George's 
plan  of  making  Home  Rule  contingent  on  compulsory  service 
has  been  described  by  Mr.  O'Brien  as  a  declaration  of  war 
on  Ireland.  Another  Nationalist  Member,  who  at  Question 
time  urged  on  the  War  Office  the  necessity  of  according  to  its 
Irish  employees  exactly  the  same  privileges  and  pay  as  were 
given  to  their  British  confreres,  protested  loudly  a  little  later 
on  against  a  Bill  \vhich  m\er  alia  extends  to  Irishmen  the 
privilege  of  joining  in  the  fight  for  freedom.  Mr.  Asquith 
questioned  the  policy  of  embracing  Ireland  in  the  Bill  unless 
you  could  get  general  consent.  Mr.  Bonar  Law  bluntly  replied 
that  if  Ireland  was  not  to  be  called  u])on  to  help  in  this  time  of 
stress  there  would  be  an  end  of  Home  Rule,  and  that  if  the 
House  would  not  sanction  Irish  conscription  it  would  have  to 
get  another  Government.  It  remained  for  Lord  Dunraven, 
before  the  passing  of  the  Bill  in  the  House  of  Lords,  to  produce 
as  "a  very  ardent  Home  Ruler  "  the  most  ingenious  excuse  for 
hjs  countrymen's  unwillingness  to  fight  that  has  yet  been  heard. 
Ireland,  he  tells  us,  has  been  contaminated  by  the  British 
refugees  who  had  fled  to  that  country  to  escape  military  service. 

216 


DRAKE'S   WAY 

Zeebrugge,  St.  George's  Day.  1918 

Admiral  Drake  (to  Admiral  Keyes):  "Bravo,  sir.  Tradition 
holds.  ^  My  men  singed  a  King's  beard,  and  yours  have  singed  a 
Kaiser  s  moustache." 


217 


Mr,  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


The  Prime  Minister,  in  reviewing  the  military  situation,  has 
attributed  the  success  of  the  Germans  to  their  possessing  the 
initiative  and  to  the  weather.  Members  have  found  it  a  little 
difficult  to  understand  why,  if  even  at  the  beginning  of  March 
the  Allies  were  equal  in  numbers  to  the  enemy  on  the  West  and 
if,  thanks  to  the  foresight  of  the  Versailles  Council,  they  knew  in 
advance  the  strength  and  direction  of  the  impending  blow, 
they  ever  allowed  the  initiative  to  pass  to  the  Germans.  It  is 
known  that  hundreds  of  thousands  of  men  have  been  rushed  out 
of  England  since  the  last  week  of  March.  Why,  if  Sir  Douglas 
Haig  asked  for  reserves,  were  they  not  sent  sooner?  These 
mysteries  will  be  resolved  some  day.  Meanwhile  General 
Trenchard,  late  chief  of  the  Air  Staff,  and  by  general  consent 
an  exceptionally  brilliant  and  energetic  officer,  has  retired  into 
the  limbo  that  temporarily  contains  Lord  Jellicoe  and  Sir  William 
Robertson.  But  Lord  Rothermere  (Lord  Northcliffe's  brother), 
who  still  retains  the  confidence  of  Mr.  Pemberton  Billing, 
remains,  and  all  is  well.  The  enemy  possibly  thinks  it  even 
better.  "At  least  we  should  keep  our  heads,"  declared  Mr. 
Pringle  during  the  debate  on  the  Man-Power  Bill.  We  are 
not  sure  about  this.     It  depends  upon  the  heads. 

It  is  a  pity  that  the  "New  Oxford  Dictionary  "  should  have 
so  nearly  reached  completion  before  the  War  and  the  emer- 
gence of  hundreds  of  new  words,  now  inevitably  left  out.  The 
Air  service  has  a  new  language  of  its  own,  witness  the  con- 
versation faithfully  reported  by  an  expert : 


Scene  :  R.F.C.  Club. 
Time  :   Every  Time. 

First  Pilot.     Why,   it's  Brown-Jones  ! 

Second  Pilot.     Hullo,   old   thing!     What  are  you  doing  now? 

First  Pilot.  Oh,  I'm  down  at  Puddlemarsh  teaching  huns— 
monoavros,   pups  and  dolphins. 

Second  Pilot.  I'm  on  the  same  game,  down  at  Mudbank — sop- 
two-seaters  and  camels.  We've  got  an  old  tinside,  too,  for  joy- 
riding. 

First  Pilot.      'N'ou've  given  up  the   rumpety,   then? 

Second    Pilot.      Ves.     I    was    getting   ham-handed    and    mutton- 

2l8 


THE  POLITICIAN  WHO   ADDRESSED  THE  TROOPS 


219 


Mr.  Punclis  Ilistojy  of  the  Great  War 


fisted,    flapping   the   old    things   every   day;   felt    1    wanted   to   stunt 
about  a  bit. 

First  Pilot.  Have  you  ever  butted  up  against  Robinson-Smith 
at  Mudbank?     He  was  an  ack-ee-o,   but  became  a  hun. 

Second  Pilot.  Yes,  he  crashed  a  few  days  ago — on  his  first 
solo  flip,  taking  off— tried  to  zoom,  engine  konkcd,  bus  stalled — 
sideslip — nose-dive.  Not  hurt,  though.  What's  become  of  Smith- 
Jones?     Do  you  know? 

First  Pilot.  Oh,  yes.  He's  on  quirks  and  ack-ws.  He  tried 
spads,   but  got  wind   up.      Have  you   seen   the  new  ? 

Second  Pilot.  Yes,  it's  a  dud  bus — only  does  seventy-five  on 
the  ceiling.  Too  much  stagger,  and  prop  stops  on  a  spin.  Besides, 
I  never  did  care  for  rotaries.     Full  of  gadgets  too. 

First  Pilot.  Well,  I  must  tootle  off  now.  I'm  flapping  from 
Northbolt  at  dawn  if  my  old  airship's  ready — came  down  there 
with   a  konking  engine — plug  trouble. 

Second  Pilot.  Well,  cheerio,  old  thing — weather  looks  dud — 
you're  going  to  have  it  bumpy  in  the  morning,  if  you're  on  a  pup. 

First  Pilot.     Bye-bye,  you  cheery  old  bean. 

[Exeunt. 

The  Emperor  Karl  of  Austria,  by  his  recent  indiscretions, 
is  winning  for  himself  the  new  title  of  "His  Epistolic  Majesty." 
His  suggestion  that  France  ought  to  have  Alsace-Lorraine  has 
grated  on  the  susceptibilities  of  his  brother  Wilhelm.  But  a 
new  fastidiousness  is  to  be  noted  in  the  Teuton  character. 
"Polygamy,"  says  an  article  in  a  German  review,  "is  essential 
to  the  future  of  the  German  race,  but  a  decent  form  must  be 
found  for  it." 


May,  igi8. 

WITH  the  coming  of  May  the  Vision  of  Victory  which 
had  nerved  Germany  to  her  greatest  effort  seemed 
fading  from  her  sight.  With  its  last  days  we  see  them 
making  a  second  desperate  effort  to  secure  the  prize,  capturing 
Soissons  and  the  Chemin  des  Dames  and  pushing  on  to  the 
Marne,  This  time  the  French  have  borne  the  burden  of  the 
onslaught,  i)ut  Rheims  is  still  held,  the  Americans  are  pouring 
in  to  France  at  the  rate  of  250,000  a  month,  and  have  proved 

220 


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221 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


their  mettle  at  Cantigny,  a  small  (ight  of  great  importance,  as 
it  "showed  their  fighting  qualities  under  extreme  battle  con- 
ditions," in  General  Pershing's  words,  and  earned  the  praise 
of  General  Debeney  for  the  "offensive  valour  "  of  our  Allies. 

The  British  troops  have  met  Sir  Douglas  Haig's  appeal  as 
we  knew  they  would  : 

Their  tuj'H  to  win  let  Bodies  bawl 

As  loudly  as  they  choose, 
When  once  our  back's  against  the  wall 

'Tis  not  our  wont  to  lose. 

Those  who  have  gone  back  at  the  seventh  wave  are  waiting 
for  the  tide  to  turn.  To  the  fainthearted  or  shaken  souls  who 
contend  that  no  victory  is  worth  gaining  at  the  cost  of  such 
carnage  and  suffering,  these  lines  addressed  "To  Any  Soldier  " 
may  serve  as  a  solvent  of  their  doubts  and  an  explanation  of 
the  mystery  of  sacrifice  : 

If  you  have  come  through  hell  stricken  or  maimed, 

Vistas  of  pain  confronting  you  on  earth ; 

If  the  long  road  of  life  holds  naught  of  worth 
And  from  your  hands  the  last  toil  has  been  claimed; 
If  memories  of  horrors   none  has   named 

Haunt   with   their  shadows   your  courageous    mirth 

And  joys  you  hoped  to  harvest  turn  to  dearth, 
And   the  high   goal   is   lost  at   which   you   aimed; 

Think  this — and  may  your  heart's  pain  thus  be  healed — 
Because   of   me   some  flower  to  fruitage  blew. 

Some  harvest  ripened  on  a  death-dewed   field, 
And    in    a   shattered    village   some   child   grew 

To  womanhood   inviolate,   safe  and   pure. 

For  these  great   things   know  your  reward   is   sure. 

The  Germans  have  reache<l  Sevastopol,  but  the  Kaiser's 
Junior  Partner  in  the  South  is  only  progressing  in  the  wrong 
direction.  While  Wilhelm  is  laboriously  struggling  to  get 
nearer  the  sea,  Mehnied  is  getting  farther  and  farther  away 
from  it.  The  attitude  of  Russia  remains  obscure.  Mr.  Balfour 
tells  us  that  it  is  not  the  intention  of  the  Government  to  appoint 
an   Ambassador  to   Russia.     But  there  is  talk  of  sending  out 

2Z2 


''  Ourselves  Alone'' 


an  exploration  party  to  find  out  just  where  Russia  has  got 
to.  Russia,  however,  is  not  the  only  country  whose  attitude 
is  obscure.  The  Leader  of  the  Irish  Nationalist  Party  is  re- 
ported to  have  said  to  a  New  York  interviewer:  "We  believe 
that  the  cause  of  the  Allies  is  the  cause  of  Freedom  throughout 
the  world."  At  the  same  time,  while  repudiating  the  policy  of 
the  Sinn  Feiners,  he  admitted  that  he  had  co-operated  with 
them  in  their  resistance  to  the  demand  that  Ireland  should 
defend  the  cause  of  Freedom.  The  creed  of  Sinn  Fein — "Our- 
selves Alone  " — is  at  least  more  logical  than  that  of  these 
neutral  Nationalists : 

And  is  not  ours  a  noble  creed 

With  Self  uplifted  on  the  throne? 
Why  should  we  bleed  for  others'  need? 

Our  motto  is  "Ourselves  Alone." 

Why  prate  of  ruined  lands  out  there, 
Of  churches  shattered  stone  by  stone? 

We  need  not  care  how  others  fare. 
We  care  but  for  "Ourselves  Alone." 

Though   mothers   weep  with   anguished   eyes 
And  tortured  children  make  their  moan, 

Let  others  rise  when  Pity  cries ; 

We  rise  but  for  "Ourselves  Alone." 

Let  Justice  be  suppressed  by  Might, 

And  Mercy's  seat  be  overthrown ; 
For  Truth  and  Right  the  fools  may  fight, 

We  fight  but  for  "Ourselves  Alone." 

Meanwhile,  the  gentle  Mr.  Duke  has  retired  from  the  Chief 
Secretaryship  to  the  Judicial  Bench ;  Mr.  Shortt,  his  successor, 
recently  voted  against  conscription  for  Ireland;  Lord  French, 
the  new  Viceroy,  is  believed  to  favour  it.  The  appointments 
seem  to  have  been  made  on  the  cancelling-out  principle,  and 
are  as  hard  to  reconcile  as  the  ministerial  utterances  on  the  recent 
German  push.  Thus  Mr.  Macpherson  declared  that  the  crisis 
came  upon  us  like  a  thief  in  the  night,  while  on  the  same  day 
Mr.  Churchill  observed  that  the  German  offensive  had  opened 

223 


Mr.  Piuiclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


a  month  later  than  we  had  calculated,  and  consequently  our 
reserves  in  munitions  were  correspondingly  larger  than  they 
would  have  been.  Anyhow,  it  is  a  good  hearing  that  the  lost 
guns,  tanks,  and  aeroplanes  have  all  been  more  than  replaced, 
and  the  stores  of  ammunition  completely  replenished,  while 
at  the  same  time  munition  workers  have  been  released  for  the 


THE   DUD 


Army  at  the  rate  of  a  thousand  a  day.  These  results  have  been 
largely  due  to  the  wonderful  work  of  the  women,  who  turned 
out  innumerable  shells  of  almost  incredible  quality — not  like 
that  depicted  by  our  artist. 

Mr.  Bonar  Law  has  brought  in  his  Budget  and  asked  for 
a  trifle  of  842  millions.  We  are  to  pay  more  for  our  letters, 
our  cheques,  and  our  tobacco.  The  Penny  Postage  has  gone, 
and  the  Penny  Pickwick  with  it.     For  the  rest  we  have  had  the 

224 


War  the  Leveller 


Maurice  Affair,  which  looked  Hke  a  means  of  resurrecting  the 
Opposition  but  ended  in  giving  the  Government  a  new  lease  of 
life,  and  Sir  Eric  Geddes  has  given  unexpected  support  to  the 
allegations  that  the  German  pill-boxes  were  made  of  British 
cement.  At  least  he  admitted  that  the  port  of  Zeebrugge  was 
positively  congested  with  shiploads  of  the  stuff.  Proportional 
Representation  has  been  knocked  out  for  the  fifth  time  in  this 
Parliament;  and  we  have  to  thank  Sir  Mark  Sykes  for  telling 
us  that  the  Whip's  defmition  of  a  crank  is  "a  wealthy  man  who 
does  not  want  a  Knighthood,  or  a  nobleman  who  does  not  want 
to  be  an  Under-Secretary." 

War  is  a  great  leveller.  The  Carl  Rosa  Company  are  about 
to  produce  an  opera  by  an  English  composer.  And  war  is 
teaching  us  to  revise  our  histories.  For  example,  "'  Nelson,' 
the  greatest  naval  pageant  film  ever  attempted,  will,"  says  the 
Daily  Ne'ws,  "tell  the  love  story  of  Nelson's  life  and  the  out- 
standing incidents  of  his  career,  including  the  destruction  of 
the  Spanish  Armada."  No  scandal  about  Queen  Elizabeth,  we 
trust.  The  Daily  News,  by  the  way,  is  much  exercised  by 
Mr.  Punch's  language^  towards  the  enemy,  which  it  describes 
as  being  in  the  Billingsgate  vein.  In  spite  of  which  rebuke, 
and  at  the  risk  of  offending  the  readers  of  that  patriotic  organ, 
Mr.  Punch  proposes  to  go  on  saying  just  what  he  thinks  of 
the  Kaiser  and  his  friends. 

The  price  of  tobacco,  as  we  have  seen,  is  becoming  a  serious 
matter,  but  Ireland  proposes  to  graj^ple  with  the  problem  in 
her  own  way.  The  Ballinasloe  Asylum  Committee,  according 
to  an  announcement  in  the  Times  of  May  14,  have  decided, 
with  the  sanction  of  the  authorities,  to  grow  tobacco  leaf  for 
the  use  of  their  inmates.  "A  doctor  said  that  if  the  patients 
were  debarred  from  an  adequate  supply  of  tobacco  there  would 
be   no  controlling  them." 

As  a  set-off  to  the  anti-"Cuthbert  "  campaign  in  the  Press 
the  War  Cabinet  has  in  its  Report  declared  that  "the  whole 
Empire  owes  the  Civil  ^Service  a  lasting  debt  of  gratitude." 
It  looks  as  if  there  was  something  in  red  tape  after  all.  We 
must  not,  however,  fail  to  recognise  the  growth  of  the  new 
competitive  spirit  in  the  sphere  of  production,  and  Mr.  Punch 
looks  forward  to  the  establishment  of  Cup  Competitions  for 
P  225 


Mr.  PttncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Clydesdale  Riveters  and  London  Allotment  workers.  Woman's 
work  in  munition  factories  has  already  been  applauded;  her 
services  on  the  land  are  now  more  in  need  than  ever. 


WOMAN   POWER 

Ceres  :    "  Speed  ihe  plough  !  " 

Ploughman  :  •'  I  don't  know  who  you  are,  ma'am,  but  it's  no  good  speeding 
the  plough   unless  we  can  get  the  women   to  do  the   harvesting." 

(Fifty  thousand  more  women  are  wanted  on   the   land    to   take    the  place  of  men  called  to 
the  colours,  if  the  harvest  is  to  be  got  in.) 


June,  igi8. 

THE  d^n^er  is  not  past,  hut  grounds  for  hope  multiply. 
The  new  German  assault  between  Montdidier  and  Noyon 
has    broug^ht     little     substantial    gain    at     heavy  cost. 
The   attacks  towards   Paris  have   been    held,   and   Paris,   with 

226 


THE  CELESTIAL   DUD 

Kaiser:  "  Ha!     A  new  and  brilliant  star  added  to  my  constella- 
tion of  the  Eagle  !  " 

General  Foch  :  "  On  the  wane.  I  think." 

(It    is   anticipated    in   astronomical    circles    that    the   new  star,  A^ova  AquiItT,  will    shortly 

disappear.) 


227 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


admirable    fortilude,    makes    little    of    the    attentions   of    "Fat 
Bertha."     "The  struggle  must   be   fought  out,"   declared  the 
Kaiser  In  the  recent  anniversary  of  his  accession  to  the  throne. 
In  the  meanwhile  no  opportunities  of  talking  it  out  will  be  over- 
looked   by    the 
enemy.     He  is 
once  more  play- 
ing     the      old 
game   of   striv- 
ing to  promote 
discord  between 
the  Allies.     At 
the    very    mo- 
ment when  the 
official  commu- 
n  i  f]  u  e  s    a  n  - 
nounced        the 
capture    of 
45,000    prison- 
ers,  the   Chan- 
cellor  began   n 
new   peace  of- 
fensive,   aimed 
p  r  i  m  a  r  i  1  y  at 
France,   an  d 
supported      by 
mendacious  re- 
ports   that    the 
French  Govern- 
m  c  n  t     were 
starting    for 
Bordeaux,  Cle- 
menceau    over- 
thrown, and  I'och  disgraced.    But  the  campaign  of  falsehood 
has  proved  powerless  to  shake  France  or  impose  on  the  German 
people.     Commandeered  enthusiasm  is  giving  place  to  grave 
discontent.     The  awakening  of  Germany  has  begun,  and  the 
promise  of  a  speedy  peace  falls  on  deaf  ears.     In  the  process  of 
enlightenment  the  Americans  have  played  a  conspicuous  part, 

228 


"COMPLETE    ACCORD";     OR,    ALL    DONE 
BY    KINDNESS 

Imperial    Trainer    (to  his  dog  Karl):    "Now   then, 
no  nonsense:    iKrough   you  ro ! " 


Kiihlmann  s  Warning 


in  spite  of  the  persistent  belittlement  of  the  military  experts  in 
the  official  German  Press.  The  stars  in  their  courses  have  some- 
times seemed  to  fight  for  Germany,  but  they  are  withdrawing 
their  aid. 

The  long  struggle  between  von  Kiihlmann  and  the  generals 
has  ended  in  the  fall  of  the  Minister;  hut  not  before  he  had 
indicated  to  the  Reichstag  the  possibility  of  another  Thirty 
Years'  War,  and  asserted  that  no  intelligent  man  ever  enter- 
tained the  wish  that  Germany  should  attain  world-domination. 
There  was  a  time  when  this  frank  reflection  on  the  Hohen- 
zollern  intelligence  would  have  constituted  lese-majeste. 
Coming  from  a  Minister  it  amounts  to  a  portent.  Now  he  has 
gone,  but  the  growing  belief  that  military  operations  canno^ 
end  the  war  has  not  been  scotched  by  his  fall,  and  Herr  Erz- 
berger  vigorously  carries  on  the  campaign  against  Chancellor 
Hertling  and  the  generals.  Austria  has  been  at  last  goaded 
into  resuming  the  offensive  on  the  Italian  Front  and  met  with 
a  resounding  defeat.  It  remains  to  be  seen  how  Turkey  and 
Bulgaria  will  respond  to  the  urgent  appeals  of  their  exacting 
master. 

The  ordeal  of  our  men  on  the  Western  Front  is  terrible, 
but  they  have  at  least  one  grand  and  heartening  stand-by  in 
the  knowledge  that  they  have  plenty  of  guns  and  no  lack  of 
shells  behind  them.  This  is  the  burden  of  the  "Song  of 
Plenty  "  from  an  old  soldier  to  a  young  one  : 

The  shelling's  cruel  bad,  my  son. 

But  don't  you  look  too  black. 
For  every  blessed  German  one 

He  gets  a  dozen  back — 
But  1  reinember  the  days 

When  shells  were  terrible  few 
And  never  the  guns  could  bark  and  hhize 

The  same  as  they  do  for  you. 

But  they  sat  in  the  swamp  behind,   my  boy,   and  prayed  for  a   tinv 

shell. 
While  Fritz,  if  he  had  the  mind,  my  boy,  could  give  us  a  first-class 

hell; 

229 


Mr,  Pnnc/is  History  of  the  Great  War 


And  I  know  that  a  5.9  looks  bad  to  a  bit  of  a  London  kid, 

But  I  tell  you  you  were  a  lucky  lad  to  come  out  when  you  did. 

Up  in  the  line  ag'ain,   my  son, 

And  dirty  work,  no  doubt. 
But  when  the  dirty  work  is  done 

They'll  take  the  Regiment  out — 
But  I  remember  a  day 

When  men  were  terrible  few 
And  we  hadn't  reserves  a  mile  away 

The  same  as  there  are  for  you. 

But  fourteen  days  at  a  stretch,  my  boy,   and  nothing  about  relief  ^ 
Fight  and  carry   and  fetch,   my  boy,   with  rests  exceeding  brief; 
And   rotten  as  all  things   sometimes  are,   they're  not  as  they  used 

to  be. 
And  you  ought  to  thank  your  lucky  star  you  didn't  come  out  with 

me. 

Our  mercurial  Premier  lays  himself  open  to  a  good  deal 
of  legitimate  criticism,  but  for  this  immense  relief,  unstinted 
thanks  are  due  to  his  energy  and  the  devoted  labours  of  the 
munition  workers,  women  as  well  as  men. 

The  Admiralty  have  decided  not  to  publish  the  Zeebrugge 
dispatches  for  fear  of  giving  information  to  the  enemy.  All 
lie  knows  at  present  is  that  a  score  and  more  of  his  torpedo- 
boats,  submarines,  and  other  vessels  have  been  securely  locked 
up  in  the  Bruges  Canal  by  British  Keyes.  The  Minister  of 
Pensions  has  told  the  House  the  moving  story  of  what  has 
already  been  done  to  restore,  so  far  as  money  and  care  can  do 
it,  the  broken  heroes  of  the  War,  and  Lord  Newton's  alleged 
obstructiveness  in  regard  to  the  treatment  and  exchange  of 
prisoners  has  been  discussed  in  the  Lords.  Mr.  Punch's  own 
impression  is  that  Lord  Newton  owes  his  unmerited  position 
as  whipping  boy  to  the  fact  that  he  does  not  suffer  fools  gladly, 
even  if  they  come  in  the  guise  of  newspaper  reporters;  and 
that,  unlike  his  illustrious  namesake,  he  has  no  use  for  the 
theory  of  gravity.  Meanwhile  the  Kaiser,  with  a  sublime  dis- 
regard for  sunk  hospital-ships  and  bombed  hospitals,  continues 
to  exhibit  his  bleeding  heart  to  an  astonished  world. 

230 


A   PITIFUL  POSE 

Teuton  Crocodile:  "I  do  so  feel  for  the  poor  British  wounded, 
I  only  wish  we  could  do  more  for  them." 

("  We  Germans  will  priservc  our  cuiUHptioii  of  Cluistian  liuty  towanls  the  sick  and  wounded  " 
— I'lODi  rect'iil  reniiirks  of  the  Kaiser  refunted  b\'  a  Gernuiii  corrfsf>ondent.) 


231 


Mr.  Picndis  History  of  the  Great  War 


Now  that  the  Food  Controller  has  got  into  his  stride,  the 
nation  has  begun  to  realise  the  huge  debt  it  o\ves  to  his  firmness 
and  organising  ability,  and  is  proportionately  concerned  to 
hear  of  his  breakdown  from  overwork.  The  queues  have 
disappeared,  supplies  are  adequate,  and  there  are  no  complaints 
of  class-favouritism. 

It  is  remarkable  how  the  British  soldier  will  pick  up  lan- 


BoBBY   (at  the  conclusion  of    dinner) :    "  Mother,   I   don't  know  how  it  is,   but 
I  never  seem  to  get  that — that — nice  sick   feeling  nowadays." 

guages,  or  at  least  learn  to  interpret  them.  Only  last  week  an 
American  corporal  stopped  a  British  Sergeant  and  said  :  "Say, 
Steve,  can  you  put  me  wise  where  I  can  barge  into  a  boiled- 
shirt  biscuit-juggler  who  would  get  me  some  eats?  "  And  the 
Sergeant  at  once  directed  him  to  a  caf6.  The  training  of  the 
new  armies,  to  judge  by  the  example  depicted  by  our  artist, 
affords  fresh  proof  of  the  saying  that  love  is  a  liberal  education. 
The  situation  on  the  Parliamentary  Front  has  been  fairly 
f|iiiet.  The  popular  pastime  of  asking  when  the  promised  Home 
Rule   Bill    is   to  be   intr()duc(;d   is  no  longer  met   by  suitably 

232 


The  Penalty  of  Decoration 


varied  but  invariably  evasive  replies.  The  Government  has 
now  frankly  admitted  that  the  policy  of  running  Home  Rule 
and  Conscription  in  double  harness  has  been  abandoned,  and 
expects  better  things  from  the  new  pair  :  Firm  Government  and 
Voluntary  Recruiting.  But  sceptics  are  unconvinced  that  the 
Government  will  abandon  the  leniency  prompted  by  "the  insane 
view  of  creating  an  atmosphere  in  which  something  incom- 
prehensible is  to  occur." 

The  lavish  and,  in  many  cases,  inexplicable  distribution  of 


Mistress  (as  the  new  troops  go  by):    "Which  of  them  is  your  cousin?" 
Nursemaid  (unguardedly)  :    "  I  don't  know  yet,  ma'am." 


tile  Order  of  the  British  Empire  bids  fair  to  add  a  peculiar 
lustre  to  the  undecorated.  The  War  has  produced  no  stranger 
paradox  than  the  case  of  the  gentleman  who  within  the  space 
of  seven  days  was  sentenced  to  six  months'  imprisonment  for 
a  breach  of  the  Defence  of  the  Realm  regulations  and  recom- 
mended for  the  O.B.E.  on  account  of  good  services  to  the 
country.  The  fact  that  the  recommendation  was  withdrawn 
hardly  justified  the  assumption  of  a  Pacificist  J»Iember  that  a 
sentence  under  the  Defence  of  the  Realm  Art  was  regarded  as 
the  higher  honour  of  the  two. 

233 


Mr.  Pnncli s  History  of  the  Great  War 


There  is  one  thing,  however,  that  war  at  its  worst  cannot 
do.  It  cannot  make  an  Englishman  forgo  that  peculiar  and 
blessed  birthright  which  enables  him  to  overthrow  the  Giant 
Despair  with  the  weapon  of  whimsical  humour — in  other  words, 
to  write,  as  a  young  officer  has  written  for  Mr.  Punch,  such  a 
set  of  verses  as  the  following  in  June,  1918  : 

THE  BEST  SMELL  OF  ALL 

When  noses  first  were  carved  for  men 

Of  varied  width  and  height. 
Strange   smells  and   sweet   were   fashioned   then 

That  all  might  know  delight — 
Smells  for  the  hooked,  the  snub,  the  fine, 

The  pug,  the  gross,  the  small, 
A  smell  for  each,  and  one  divine 

Last  smell  to  soothe  them  all. 

The  baccy  smell,  the  smell  of  peat. 

The  rough  gruff  smell  of  tweed, 
The  rain  smell  on  a  dusty  street 

Are  all  good  smells  indeed ; 
The  sea  smell  smelt  through  resinous  trees. 

The  smell  of  burning  wood. 
The  saintly  smell  of  dairies — these 

Are  all  rich  smells  and  good. 

And  good  the  smell  the  nose  receives 

From  new-baked  loaves,  from  hops, 
From  churches,  from  decaying  leaves, 

From  pinks,  from  grocers'  shops ; 
And  smells  of  rare  and  fine  bouquet 

Proceed,  the  world  allows. 
From  petrol,  roses,  cellars,  hay. 

Scrubbed  planks,  hot  gin  and  cows. 

Hut  there's  a  smell  that  doth  excel 

All  other  smells  by  far, 
Even  the  tawny  stable  smell 

Or  the  boisterous  smell  of  tar ; 
A  smell  stupendous,  past  compare, 

The  king  of  smells,  the  prize. 
That  smell  which  floods  the  startled  air 

When  home-cured  bacon  fries  ! 

234 


The  Best  Smell  of  All 


All  other  smells,  whate'er  their  worth, 

Though  dear  and  richly  prized, 
Are  earthy  smells  and  of  the  earth, 

Are  smells  disparadised  ; 
But  when  that  smell  of  smells  awakes 

From  ham  of  perfect  cure. 
It  lifts  the  heart  to  heaven  and  makes 

The  doom  of  Satan  sure. 

How  good  to  sit  at  twilight's  close 

In  a  warm  inn  and  feel 
That  marvellous  smell  caress  the  nose 

With  promise  of  a  meal  ! 
How  good  when  bell  for  breakfast  rings 

To  pause,  while  tripping  down. 
And  snuff  and  snuff  till  Fancy  brings 

All  Arcady  to  Town  ! 

But  best,  when  day's  first  glimmerings  break 

Through  curtains  half  withdrawn, 
To  lie  and  smell  it,  scarce  awake, 

In  some  great  farm  at  dawn ; 
Cocks  crow,  the  milkmaid  clanks  the  pails. 

The  housemaid  bangs  the  stairs ; 
And  BACON  suddenly  assails 

The  nostrils  unawares. 

Noses  of  varied  width  and  heig'ht 

Doth  kindly  Heaven  bestow. 
And  choice  of  smells  for  our  delight. 

That  all  some  joy  may  know; 
Noses  and  smells  for  all  the  race 

That  on  this  earth  do  dwell. 
And  for  a  final  act  of  grace 

The  astounding  bacon  smell. 

But  the  War  has  its  drawbacks,  and  owing  to  its  unex- 
pected prolongation  there  is  a  rumour  that  Mr.  H.  G.  Wells 
will  readjust  his  ideas  on  the  subject  quarterly  instead  of  twice 
a  week  as  before. 


235 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  iJie  Great  War 


July,  igiS. 

FRANCE'S    DAY"    was    held    on    July    14    under    die 
auspices  of  the  British  Red  Cross  Committee.    But  this 
has  been  France's  month,  the  month  in  which  the  miracle 
of  the  first  battle  of  the  Marne  has  been  equalled  by  the  second, 


HUN   TO   HUN 

Attila  (to  Little  Willie):    "Speaking  as  one    barbarian    to   another,  I  don't 
recommend  the  neighbourhood.      1   found  it  a   bit  unhealthy  myself." 

(Altila's  victorious  progress  across  Gaul  was  finally  checked  on  the  plains  of  Chalons.) 

and  the  Germans  have  been  hurled  back  across  the  fatal  river 
by  the  tremendous  counterstroke  of  General  Foch. 

On  the  15th  the  Germans  launched  their  great  offensive. 
On  the  2oth  they  recrosscd  the  Marne,  and  are  now  entitled  to 
complain   that   General   Foch   not  only   took  over  the   French 

236 


VERY  MUCH   UP 
A  Champagne  Counter-Offensive 


237 


Mr,  Pitnclts  History  of  the  Great  War 


and  British  armies,  but  has  recently  started  taking  over  a  good 
part  of  the  German  army.  The  neighbourhood  has  never  been 
a  lieahhy  one  for  the  Huns  since  the  days  of  Attila. 

Fritz  has  crossed  the  Marne  and  recrossed  it — according  to 
plan — and   is  already  on   the  way  to  the   Aisne.     The  battle 
of  the  rivers  has  begun  again,  but  on  new  lines.    Yet  this  amaz- 
ing turn  of  the  tide  has  been  taken  very  quietly  in  France  and 
England.     The  Allies  have  rung  no  joy-bells;  they  are  content 
with  doing  their  best  to  give  Germany  no  occasion  for  further 
indulgence  in  that  form  of  jubilation.     And  Germany  is  meet- 
ing them  more  than  half  way,  their  authorities  having  ordered 
a  supplementary  requisition  of  those  church-bells  which  were 
exempted  when  the  first  confiscation  was  made.    "At  this  heavy 
hour,"  said  von  Kiihlmann  to  the  Reichstag,  "none  of  us  fully 
realise  what  we  owe  to  the  German  Emperor."     That  was  a 
month    ago;    the    realisation   of    their    indebtedness   has   since 
advanced   by    leaps   and    bounds.      There   are    now    1,000,000 
Americans  in  France.     But  the  Kaiser  and  his  War-lords  are 
still  passing  their  victims  through  the  fire  to  the  Pan-German 
Moloch,   and  threatening  to  send   German   generals  to  teach 
the  Austrian  Army  how  to  win  offensives.     It  is  even  reported 
that  the  Germans  contemplate  placing  the  ex-king  of  Greece 
on  the  throne  of  Finland.    Fantastic  rumours  are  rife  in  these 
days;  but  there  is  only  too  good  reason  to  believe  the  report 
that  the  ex-Tsar,  the  Tsaritsa,  and  their  daughters  have  all  been 
murdered  by  their  brutal  captors  at  Ekaterinburg.     It  seems 
but   yesterday   when    Nicholas   was  acclaimed   as   the  Saviour 
and  regenerator  of  his  people,  and  now  Tsardom,  irrevocably 
fallen   from    its  high   estate,   has  gone   down   amid  scenes  of 
butchery  and   barbarity   that   eclipse   the   Reign   of  Terror   in 
France. 

Little  has  happened  at  Westminster  to  indicate  a  conscious- 
ness on  the  part  of  the  members  of  the  great  and  glorious 
events  in  France.  The  Irish  Expeditionary  Force,  after  an 
absence  of  three  months  and  a  severe  training  at  home,  has 
returned  to  the  Parliamentary  Front,  and  their  war-cry  is 
"Devlin's  the  friend,  not  Shortt  !  "  But  the  Chief  Secretary 
was  able  to  make  the  gratifying  announcement  that  the  volun- 
tary recruiting  campaign  is  to  be  assisted  by  several  Nationalist 

238 


The  Secret  of  the  Ships 


M.P.'s,  including  Captain  Stephen  Gwynn,  who  has  been 
serving  in  the  trenches,  and  Colonel  Lynch,  who,  having  raised 
one  Irish  brigade  to  fight  against  us  in  the  Boer  War,  and  been 
sentenced  to  death  for  doing  it,  has  now,  with  an  inconsistency 
we  cannot  too  gratefully  recognise,  undertaken  to  raise  another 
to  fight  on  our  side.  Mr.  Bonar  Law  has  revealed  the  interest- 
ing fact  that  only  288  members  of  the  House  of  Commons  have 
received  titles,  decorations,  or  offices  of  profit  since  it  was 
elected  in  December,  19 10.  The  unnoticed  residue  are  probably 
wondering  whether  it  is  their  own  modesty  or  the  shortsighted- 
ness of  Ministers  that  has  caused  them  to  be  passed  over.  Mr. 
Billing,  after  several  pathetic  but  futile  efforts  to  regain  his 
place  in  the  limelight,  has  at  last  succeeded  in  getting  himself 
named,  suspended,  and  forcibly  assisted  by  four  stalwart 
officials  in  his  exit  from  the  House — the  most  salutary  move- 
ment, in  the  opinion  of  most  members,  with  which  he  has  yet 
been  connected. 

Admiral  Sir  Rosslyn  Wemyss,  in  a  recent  speech,  said  that 
the  association  between  the  two  Services,  the  Royal  Navy  and 
the  Mercantile  Marine,  had  been  so  close  during  the  War, 
whatever  that  association  might  have  been  before,  that  it  seemed 
to  him  almost  incredible  that  it  could  ever  be  broken  asunder. 
The  First  Sea  Lord's  statement  is  welcome  and  natural.  But 
there  is  nothing  really  new  in  this  solidarity  of  the  seas.  The 
Secret  of  the  Ships  is  an  old  story  : 

On  their  ventures  in  the  service  of  a  Tudor  King  or  Queen 

All  the  ships  were  just  as  like  as  they  could  be, 
For  the  merchantman  gave  battle,   while  the   Royal  ship  was  seen 

As  a  not  too  simple  trader  over-sea  : 
Being  heirs  to  ancient  customs,  when  their  upper  sails  came  down 

As  a  token  of  respect  in  passing  by, 
They  would  add  the  salutation  in  a  language  of  their  own, 

"God  speed  you,  we  be  sisters,  thou  and  L" 

As  the  centuries  receded  came  a  parting  of  the  ways 

Till  in  time  the  separation  went  so  far 
That  a  family  was  founded  who  were  traders  all  their  days, 

And  another  who  were  always  men-of-war ; 

239 


Mr.  Pitnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


But  whene'er  they  dipped  dieir  colours, one  in  faith,  they  understood — 
And  the  sea,  who  taug*ht  tiiem  both,  could  tell  you  why — 

That  the  custom  never  altered,  so  the  greeting-  still  held  good, 
"God  sf>eed  you,   we  be  sisters,   thou  and  I." 

Then  in   days  of  common   sacrifice  and  peril  was   it  strange 

That  they  ratified  the  union  of  the  past? 
W'Jiile  their  Masters,  unsuspecting,  greatly  marvelled  at  the  change, 

But  they  prayed  with  all  tlidr  souls  that  it  would  last ; 
And  the  ships,  who  know  the  secret,  go  rejoicing  on  their   way, 

For  whatever  be  the  ensign  that  they  fly. 
Such  as  keep  the  seas  with  honour  are  united  when  they  pray, 

"God  speed  you,   we  be  sisters,   thou  and  I." 


i  r  ^       -rt 


WAR   PICTURES" 

TuE  Mother:  "Of  course,  I  don't  understand  them,  cl'.>«r ;  but  lliey  give 
me  a  dreadful  feeling.  I  can'l  bear  to  look  nl  iKem.  Is  il  really  like  that  at 
the   Front  ?  " 

The  Warriok  (who  has  seen  terrible  things  in  battle):  "Thank  heaven,  no. 
mother." 

England  deplores  the  death  of  Lord  Rhondda,  who  achieved 
success  in  the  most  irksome  and  invidious  of  offices.  He 
undertook  the  duties  of  Food  Controller  in  broken  health,  never 

240 


War  Pictttres— Helpful  and  Otherwise 


spared  himself,  and  died  in  harness.  It  is  to  be  hoped  that  he 
reahsed  what  was  the  truth-that  he  had  won  not  only  the 
confidence  but  the  gratitude  of  the  public. 

Spain  has  rendered  herself  unpleasantly  conspicuous  by 
developing  and  exporting  a  new  form  of  influenza,  and  a 
Spanish  astrologer  predicts  the  end  of  the  world  in  a  few 
months'  time.  But  we  are  not  going  to  allow  those  petty 
distractions  to  take  our  minds  off  the  War.  Here  we  may  note 
that  Baron  Burian's  recent  message  indicates  that  but  for  the 
War  everything  would  be  all  right  in  Austria.  Our  artists 
are  certainly  determined  not  to  let  us  forget  it.  But  the  most 
valuable  pictures  do  not  find  their  way  into  galleries,  though 
they  do  not  lack  appreciative  spectators. 


Camouflage  Officer:    .'That's  very  clever.     Who  did  it  .  " 
Sergeant.    "Oh.    that's    by    Perkins,    sir-quite    an    exoert       II<=.^    . 
sparrows  before   the  war  and  sell   'en.  for  canaries.'  '""' 

No  record  of  the  month  would  be  complete  without  notice 
of  he  unique  way  in  which  the  Fourth  of  July  has  been  cele- 
brated by  John  Bull  and  Uncle  Sam  in  France  Truly  such  a 
meeting  as  this  does  make  amends.  "^ 

Q  241 


Mr.  P  line  lis  History  of  the  Great  War 


JULY  was  a  <^lorious  month  for  the  Allies,  and  Auj^ust  is 
even  better.  It  began  with  the  recovery  of  Soissons;  a  week 
later  it  was  the  turn  of  the  British,  and  Sir  Douglas  Haig 
struck  hard  on  the  Amiens  front;  since  then  the  enemy  have 
been  steadily  driven  back  by  the  unrelenting  pressure  of  the 
Allies,  Bapaume  and  Noyon  have  been  recaptured,  and  with 
their  faces  set  for  home  the  Germans  have  learnt  to  recognise 
in  a  new  and  unpleasant  sense  the  truth  of  the  Kaiser's  saying, 
"The  worst  is  behind  us."  The  8th  of  August  was  a  bad  day 
for  Germany,  for  it  showed  that  the  counter-offensive  was  not 
to  be  confined  to  one  section  ;  that  henceforth  no  respite  would 
be  allowed  from  hammer-blows.  The  German  High  Command 
endeavours  to  tranquillise  the  German  people  by  communiques, 
the  gist  of  which  may  thus  be  rendered  in  verse  : 

In  those  very  identical  regions 

That  sunder  the  Marne  from  the  Aisne 
We    advanced    to   the    rear    with    our    legions 

Long  ago  and  have  done  it  again  ; 
Fools  murmur  of  errors  committed, 

But  every  intelligent  man 
Has  accepted  the  view  that  wc  flitted 

According  to  plan. 

The  French  rivers  have  found  their  voice  again  : 

'Tvvas  the  voice  of  the  Marne 

That  began  it  with  "Gftrn  ! 

Full  speed,  Fritz,  astarn  !  " 

Then  the  Ourcq  and  the  Crise 

Sang  "Move  on,   if  you  please." 

The  Ardre  and  the  Vesle 

Took  up  the  glad  tale, 

And  cried  to  the  Aisne 

"Wash  out  the  Hun  stain." 
So  all  the  way  back  from  the  Marne  the  French  rivers 
Have  given  the  Boches  in  turn  the  cold  shivers. 

Hindenburg  has  confided  to  a  newspaper  correspondent  that 
the    German    people   need   to   develop   the  virtue    of   patience. 

242 


4) 

o 

c 

£ 

03 

c 

g 

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o 

g 

O     ^ 

^        (0 

^     -T3 
(U 

c 

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Q 

o 
u 
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243 


Mr,  PttncUs  History  of  the  Great  War 


According  to  the  Berliner  Tageblatt  he  has  declared  that  he 
was  not  in  favour  of  the  July  offensive.  Ludendorff,  on  the 
other  hand,  may  fairly  point  out  that  it  isn't  his  offensive  any 
longer.  Anyhow,  Hindenburg  is  fairly  entitled  to  give  Luden- 
dorff the  credit  of  it  since  Ludendorff's  friends  have  always 
said  that  he  supplied  the  old  INIud-IMarshal  with  brains.     The 


VON   POT   AND   VON   KETTLE 

German  General:  "Why  the  devil  don't  you  stop  these  Americans  coming 
across  ?     Thai's  your  job." 

German  Admiral:  "And  why  the  devil  don't  you  stop  'em  when  they  are 
across  ?     That's  yours." 


amenities  of  the  High  Command  are  growing  lively,  since  the 
Navy  is  also  concerned,  and  tiie  failure  of  the  IJ-boals  to  check 
the  influx  of  American  troops  needs  a  lot  of  explaining  away. 
The  good  news  from  the  Front  has  been  received  at  home 
with  remarkable  composure,  when  one  considers  the  acute 
anxiety  of  the  last  four  months.  But  it  is  the  way  of  England 
to  endure  felicity  with  calmness  and  adversity  with  fortitude. 

244 


Shortt  Shrift  for  Mr.  Dillon 


In  the  House  of  Lords  Lord  Inchcape  and  Lord  Emmott  have 
been  propitiating  Nemesis  by  their  warnings  of  the  gloomy 
financial  future  that  is  in  store  for  us,  while  in  the  Commons 
the  Bolshevist  group  below  the  gangway  are  apparently  much 
perturbed  by  the  prospect  that  Russia  may  be  helped  on  to 
her  legs  again  by  the  Allies.  Mr.  Dillon's  indictment  of  the 
Government  for  their  treatment  of  Ireland  has  had,  however, 
a  welcome  if  unexpected  result.     Mr.   Shortt,   the  new  Chief 


Child   (who   has  been   made   much   of   by   father  home   on   leave   for  the  first 
time  for  two  years):   "Mummy  dear,  I  like  that  man  you  call   your  husband." 


Secretary,  an  avowed  and  unrepentant  Home  Ruler,  has  been 
telling  Mr.  Dillon's  followers  a  few  plain  truths  about  them- 
selves :  that  they  have  made  no  effort  to  turn  the  Home  Rule 
Act  into  a  practical  measure;  that  instead  of  denouncing  Sinn 
Fein  they  had  followed  its  lead;  that  they  had  attacked  the 
Irish  executive  when  they  ought  to  have  supported  it,  and  by 
their  refusal  to  help  recruiting  had  forfeited  the  sympathy  of 
the  British  working  classes.  Mr.  Lloyd  George,  in  his  review 
of  the  War,  warned  the  peacemongers  not  to  expect  their  efforts 
to  succeed  until  the  enemy  knew  he  was  beaten,  but  vouchsafed 

245 


Mr.  Piinc/is  History  of  the  Great  War 


no  information  as  to  his  alleged  intention  to  go  to  the  country 
in  the  poHtical  sense.  In  spite  of  the  Premier's  warning  the 
Pacificists  made  another  futile  attempt  on  the  very  next  day 
to  convince  the  House  that  the  Germans  were  ready  to  make 
an  honest  peace  if  only  our  Government  would  listen  to  it. 
They  were  well  answered  by  Mr.  Robertson,  who  was  a  Pacificist 
himself  until  this  War  converted  him,  and  by  Mr.  Balfour, 
who  declared  that  we  were  quite  ready  to  talk  to  Germany  as 
soon  as  she  showed  any  sign  of  a  change  of  heart.  Up  to  the 
present  there  has  been  no  sign  of  it. 

Food  is  still  the  universal  topic.  Small  green  apples,  says 
a  contemporary,  are  proving  popular.  A  boy  correspondent, 
however,  desires  Mr.  Punch  to  say  that  he  has  a  little  inside 
information  to  the  contrary.     Nottingham  children,  it  is  stated, 

are  to  be  paid  3d.  a 
/j-'v^^'^ir'^-,   pound  for  gathering 
''  ''      blackberries, 


bu  t 

they  are  not  to  use 
their  own  recep- 
tacles. Captain 
Amundsen  is  on  his 
way  to  the  Pole,  but 
we  fear  that  he  will 
not  find  any  cheese 
there.  The  voca- 
bulary of  food  con- 
trol has  even  made 
its  way  to  the  nur- 
sery. A  small  girl 
on  being  informed 
by  her  nurse  that  a 
new  little  baby 
brother  had  come 
to  live  with  her 
promptly  replied : 
"Well,  he  can't  stay 
unless  he's  brought 
his  coupons." 

Yet   one   of   Mr. 


Latest  addition  to  Ministuy  Stakk 
the  tea-time  here?" 

Cicerone  :    "  Usual — three   to   five-thirty." 

246 


What's 


Kaiser  and  Dentist 


Punch's  poets,  in  prophetic  and  optimistic  strain,  has 
actually  dared  to  speculate  on  the  delights  of  life  without 
"Dora";  Dickens,  with  the  foresight  of  genius,  wrote  in 
"David  Copperfield"  how  his  hero  "felt  it  would  have  been 
an  act  of  perfidy  to  Dora  to  have  a  natural  relish  for  my  dinner." 

The  enterprise  of  The  Times  in  securing  the  reminiscences  of 
the  Kaiser's  American  dentist  (or  gum-architect,  as  he  is  called 
in  his  native  land)  has  aroused  mingled  feelings.  But  the 
Kaiser  is  reported  to  have  stated  in  no  ambiguous  terms  that 
if,  after  the  War,  any  Americans  are  to  be  given  access  to  him, 
from  Ambassadors  downwards,  they  must  be  able  neither  to 
read  nor  write.  The  Times  is  also  responsible  for  the  headline  : 
"The  Archangel  Landing."  There  was  a  rumour  of  something 
of  this  kind  after  Mons,  but  this  is  apparently  official. 

One  prominent  effect  of  the  War  has  been  to  make  two 
Propagandist  Departments  flourish  where  none  grew  before,  and 
it  is  to  be  feared  that  the  reflection  on  the  industry  of  our  new 
officials  implied  in  the  picture  on  the  previous  pyge  is  not  with- 
out foundation. 

War  has  not  only  stimulated  the  composition,  but  the 
perusal  of  poetry,  especially  among  women  : 

When  the  Armageddon  diet 
Makes  Priscilla  feel  unquiet, 
She  prescribes  herself  (from  Pope) 
An  acidulated  trope. 

When  the  lard-hunt  ruffles  Rose 
Wordsworth  lulls  her  to  repose, 
Willie  a  snippet  from  the  "Swan" 
Stops  the  jam-yearn  of  Yvonne. 

When   the   man-slump  makes   her  fretty 
Susie  takes  to  D.   Rossctti, 
Though  her  sister  Arabella 
Rather  fancies  Wilcox  (Ella). 

When   Evangelina  swoons 
At  the  sound  of  the  maroons, 
Mrs.   Hem:ms  comes  in  handy 
As  a  substitute  for  brandy. 

247 


Mr.  Picnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


And  when  Auntie  heard  by  chance 
That  the  Curate  was  in  France, 
Browning's  enig^matic  lyrics 
Helped  to  save  her  from  hysterics. 


September,  igi8. 

SINXE  July  15th,  when  the  Kaiser  mounted  a  high  obser- 
vation post  to  watch  the  launching  of  the  offensive  which 
was  to  achieve  his  crowning  victory,  but  proved  the 
prelude  of  the  German  collapse,  the  conflict  has  raged  con- 
tinuously and  with  uninterrupted  success  for  the  Allied  Armies. 
The  Kaiser  Battle  has  become  the  Battle  of  Liberation.  The 
French  bore  the  initial  burden  of  the  attack,  but  since  August  8 
"hundreds  of  thousands  of  unbeaten  Tommies,"  to  quote  the 
phrase  of  a  French  military  expert,  have  entered  into  action  in 
a  succession  of  attacks  started  one  after  the  other  all  the  way  up 
to  P'landers.  Rawlinson,  Home,  and  Byng  have  carried  on  the 
hammer  work  begun  by  Mangin,  Gouraud,  and  Debeney. 
P^ronne  has  been  recovered,  the  famous  Drocourt-Ou^ant 
switch-line  has  been  breached,  the  Americans  have  flattened 
out  the  St.  Mihiel  salient.  The  perfect  liaison  of  British  and 
French  and  Americans  has  been  a  wonderful  example  of  com- 
bined effort  rendered  possible  by  unity  of  command.  "Marshal 
Foch  strikes  to-day  at  a  new  front,"  is  becoming  a  standing 
head-line.  And  this  highly  desirable  "epidemic  of  strikes  " 
is  not  confined  to  the  Western  Front.  As  Generalissimo  of  all 
the  Allied  Forces  the  great  French  Marshal  has  planned  and 
carried  out  an  ensemble  of  operations  designed  to  shatter  and 
demoralise  the  enemy  at  every  point.  The  long  inaction  on 
the  Salonika  Front  has  been  ended  by  the  rapid  and  triumphant 
advance  of  the  British,  French,  Serbians,  and  Greeks  under 
General  Franchet  d'Esperey.  Eight  days  sufficed  to  smash  the 
Bulgarians,  and  the  armistice  then  granted  was  followed  four 
days  later  by  the  surrender  of  Bulgaria,  In  less  than  a  fort- 
night General  Allenby  pushed  north  from  Jerusalem,  anni- 
hilated the  Turkish  armies  in  Palestine,  and  captured  Damascus. 
And  by  the  end  of  the  month  the  Ilindenburg  line  had  been 

248 


STORM   DRIVEN 

The  Kaiser  :  "  I  don't  like  this  wind,  my  son.      Which  way  is  it  ? 
The  Crown  Prince  :  "  Up  !  " 


249 


A4r.  Pitncli  s  History  of  tJie  Great  War 


breached  and  gone  the  way  of  the  "Wotan  "  line.     Wotan  was 
not  a  happy  choice  : 

But  even  super-Germans  are  wont  at  times  to  nod, 

And  to  borrow  Wotan's  aeg^is  was  indubitably  odd  ; 

For  dark  decline  o'erwhelmed  his  line  :  he  saw  his  god-head  wane, 

And  his  stately  palace  vanish  in  a  red  and  ruinous  vain. 

Well   may   the   Berlin    Tageblatt  say  that   "the  war  stares 
us   in   the  face  and  stares  very  hard."     When  a  daily  paper 


IN    RESERVE 


German  Eagle  (to   German    Dove) 
I'm  feeling  rather  run   down." 


Here,  carry    on    for    a    bit,  will   you 


announces  "Half  Crown  Prince's  army  turned  over  to  another 
General,"  we  are  curious  to  know  how  much  the  Half  Crown 
Prince  thinks  the  German  Sovereign  worth.  But  the  end  is 
not  yet.  Our  pride  in  the  achievements  of  our  Armies  and 
Generals,  in  the  heroism  of  our  Allies  and  the  strategy  of 
Marshal  Foch  does  not  blind  us  to  the  skill  and  tenacity  with 
which  the  Germans  are  conducting  their  retreat.  Fritz  is  a 
tough  fighter;  if  only  he  had  fought  a  clean  fight  we  could  look 
forward  to  a  thorough  reconciliation.  But  that  is  a  far  cry 
for  those  who  have  been  in  the  war,  farthest  of  all  for  our 
sailormen,  who  can  never  forget  certain  acts  of  frightfulness. 

250 


The  New  Ctct 


Hans  Dans  an'  me  was  shipmates  once,  an'  if  'e'd  fought  us  clean, 
Why  shipmates  still  when  war  was  done  might  Hans  an'  me  'ave 

been ; 
The  truest  pals  a  man  can  have  are  them  'e's  fought  before, 
Hut — never  no  more,  Hans  Dans,  my  lad,  so  'elp  me,  never  no  more  ! 

Austria  has  issued  a  Peace  Note,  and  the  German  Chancellor 
has  declared  that  Germany  is  opposed  to  annexation  in  any 
form.  The  German  Eagle,  making  a  virtue  of  necessity,  is 
ready  to  give  the  bird  of  Peace  an  innings. 


ALARMING  SPREAD  OF  BOBBING 

The  two  Emmas,  Ack  and  Pip,  are  naturally  furious  at  the 
adoption  of  the  twenty-four  hours'  system  of  reckoning  time, 
which  means  that  their  occupation  will  be  gone,  and  that  like 
other  old  soldiers  they  will  fade  away.  Amongst  other  inno- 
vations we  have  to  note  the  spread  of  "bobbing,"  the  further 
possibilities  of  which  are  alarming  to  contemplate. 

Ferdinand,  Tsar  of  Bulgaria,  great  grandson  of  Philippe 
Egalit6,  finding  Sofia  unhealthy,  has  been  recuperating  at 
Vienna.  His  future  plans  are  vague,  but  it  is  thought  he  may 
join  the  ex-Kings'  Club  in  Switzerland.     Lenin,  the  Bolshevist 

251 


Mr.  Piuiclis  History  of  tJie  Great  War 

Dictator,  has  recently  experienced  an  attempt  on  his  life,  and 
retaliated  in  a  fashion  which  would  have  done  credit  to  a 
mediaeval  despot.  England  still  refuses  to  indulge  in  joy 
bells  or  bunting,  but  the  London  police  have  seized  the  occasion 
to  strike  on  the  home  front.  Their  operations  have  been 
promptly  if  inconsistently  rewarded  by  the  removal  of  their 
chief  and  his  elevation  to  the  baronetcy. 

Parliament  is  not  sitting,  and  the  voice  of  the  Pro-Boche 
and  the  Pro-Bolsh  is  temporarily  hushed.  We  have  to  note, 
however,  a  most  welcome  rapprochement  between  Downing 
and  Carmelite  Streets — the  Daily  Mail  has  praised  the  Foreign 
Office  for  an  "excellent  piece  of  work,"  and  the  scapegoat, 
unexpectedly  caressed,  is  sitting  up  and  taking  nourishment. 

The  harvest  hag  been  a  success,  thanks  to  the  energy  of 
the  new  land-workers,  the  armies  behind  the  army  : 

All  the  talent  is  here — all  the  great  and  the  lesser, 
The  proud  and  the  humble,  the  stout  and  the  slim. 

The  second  form  boy  and  the  aged  professor, 
Grade  three  and  the  hero  in  want  of  a  limb. 

Four  years  of  war  have  brought  curious  changes  to  "our 


village  "  : 


Our  baker's  in  the  Flying  Corps, 

Our  butcher's  in  the  Buffs, 
Our  one  policeman  cares  no  more 

For  running  in  the  roughs. 
But  carves  a  pathway  to  the  stars 
As  trooper  in  the  Tenth  Hussars. 

The  Mayor's  a  Dublin  Fusilier, 

The  clerk's  a  Royal  Scot, 
The  bellman  is  a  brigadier 

And  something  of  a  pot ; 
The  barber,   though  at  large,  is  spurned  ; 
The  Blue  Boar's  waiter  is  interned. 

The  postman,  now  in  Egypt,  wears 

A  medal  on  his  coat ; 
The  vet.   is  breeding  Belgian  hares, 

The   vicar   keeps   a  goat ; 
The  schoolma'am  knits  upon  her  stool; 
The  village  idiot  gathers  wool. 
252 


First  week 


Second  week 


Third  week  Fourth  week 

THE  FARMER  AND  THE  FARM  LABOURER 


253 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


The  husbandman  and  his  new  help  have  undergone  mutual 
transformation.  And  our  cadet  battalions  are  making  them- 
selves very  much  at  home  at  Oxford  and  Cambridge. 


~'^ 


Cadet:     "Really,  from  the  way  these  College  Authorities  make  themselves  at 
home  you'd  think  the  place  belonged  to  them." 

The  Navy  still  remains  the  silent  Service,  but,  as  the  need 
for  reticence  is  being  relaxed  by  the  triumph  of  our  arms,  we 
are  beginning  to  learn  something,  though  unofficially  as  yet, 
of  that  "plaything  of  the  Navy  and  nightmare  of  the  Huns  " — 
the  Q-boat : 

She  can  weave  a   web  of  magic  for  the  unsuspecting  foe, 

She  can  scent  the  breath  of  Kultur  leagues  away, 
She  can   hear  a   U-boat  thinking   in   Atlantic  depths   below 
And  disintegrate  it  with  a  Martian  ray  ; 

She  can  feel  her  vvav  by  night 
Through    the   minefield   of    the    Bight ; 
She  has  all  the  tricks  of  science,  grave  and  gay. 

In  the  twinkle  of  a  searchlight  she  can  suffer  a  sea-change 
From  a  collier  to  a  Shamrock  under  sail, 

254 


Chameleoiis  of  the  Sea 


From  a  Hyper-super-Dreadnoug^ht,  old  Leviathan  at  range, 
To  a  lightship  or  a  whaler  or  a  whale ; 

With  some  canvas  and  a  spar 

She  can  mock  the  morning-  star 
As  a  haystack  or  the  flotsam  of  a  gale. 

She's  the  derelict  you  chartered  north  of  Flores  outward-bound, 

She's  the  iceberg  that  you  sighted  coming  back, 
She's    the    salt-rimed    Biscay    trawler     heeling    home   to    Plymouth 
Sound, 
She's  the  phantom-ship  that  crossed  the  moon-beams'  track  ; 
She's  the  rock  where  none  should  be 
In  the  Adriatic  Sea, 
She's  the  wisp  of  fog  that  haunts  the  Skagerrack. 

Recognition  of  services  faithfully  done  is  an  endless  task ; 
but  Mr.  Punch  is  glad  to  print  the  valedictory  tribute  of  one 
of  the  boys  in  blue  to  a  V.A.D. — a  class  that  has  come  in  for 
much  undeserved  criticism. 

While  willy-nilly  I  must  go 

A-hunting  of  the  Hun, 
You'll  carry  on — which  now  I  know 
(Although  I've  helped  to  rag  you  so) 

Means  great  work  greatly  done. 

Among  the  minor  events  of  the  month  has  been  the  christ- 
ening of  a  baby  by  the  names  of  Grierson  Plumer  Haig  French 
Smith-Dorrien,  as  its  father  served  under  these  generals.  The 
idea  is,  no  doubt,  to  prevent  the  child  when  older  from  asking  : 
"What  did  you  do  in  the  Great  War,  Daddy?  " 

England,  as  we  have  already  said,  endures  its  triumphs  with 
composure.  But  our  printers  are  not  altogether  immune  from 
excitement.  An  evening  paper  informs  us  that  "the  dwifficupl- 
ties  of  passing  from  rigid  trench  warfare  to  field  warfare  are 
gigantic  and  perhaps  unsurmountable."  And  onlv  our  innate 
sense  of  comradeship  deters  us  from  naming  the  distinguished 
contemporary  which  recently  published  an  article  entitled : 
"The  Importance  of  Bray." 


255 


Mr.  PiLiiclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


October^  igi8. 

THE  growing  crescendo  of  success  has  reached  its  climax 
in  this,  the  most  wonderful  month  of  our  annus  mira- 
bilis.  Every  day  brings  tidings  of  a  new  victory.  St. 
Ouentin,  Cambrai,  and  Laon  had  all  been  recaptured  in  the 
first  fortnight.  On  the  17th  Ostend,  Lille,  and  Douai  were  re- 
gained, Bruges  was  reoccupied  on  the  19th,  and  by  the  20th 
the  Belgian  Army  under  King  Albert,  reinforced  by  the  French 
and  Americans,  and  with  the  Second  British  Army  under 
General  Plumer  on  the  right,  had  compelled  the  Germans  to 
evacuate  the  whole  coast  of  Flanders.  The  Battle  of  Liberation, 
which  began  on  the  Marne  in  July,  is  now  waged  uninter- 
ruptedly from  the  Meuse  to  the  sea.  Only  in  Lorraine  has  the 
advance  of  the  American  Army  been  held  up  by  the  difficulties 
of  the  terrain  and  the  exceptionally  stubborn  resistance  of  the 
Germans. 

Elsewhere  the  "war  of  movement"  has  gone  on  with  un- 
relenting energy  according  to  Foch's  plan,  which  suggests  a 
revision  of  Pope  : 

Great  Foch's  law  is  by  this  rule  exprest, 
Prevent   the  coming,   speed   the   parting  pest. 

The  German,  true  to  his  character  of  the  world's  worst  loser 
and  winner,  leaves  behind  him  all  manner  of  booby-traps,  some 
puerile,  many  diabolical,  which  give  our  sappers  plenty  of 
work,  cause  a  good  many  casualties,  and  only  confirm  the 
resolve  of  the  victors. 

According  to  a  German  paper — the  Rhenish  Westphalian 
Gazette — ex-criminals  are  being  drafted  into  the  German  Army. 
But  the  Allies  propose  to  treat  them  without  invidious  dis- 
tinction. The  Crown  Prince  recently  observed  that  he  had 
"many  friends  in  the  Entente  countries";  as  a  matter  of  fact, 
we  seem  to  be  getting  them  at  the  rate  of  about  twenty-five 
thousand  a  week.  The  criminals  in  the  German  Navy  have 
again  been  busy,  adding  to  their  previous  exploits  the  sinking 
of  the  passenger  steamer  Leinstcr,  in  the  Irish  Channel,  with 

256 


FocHs  Warning 


heavy  loss  of  life,  the  worst  disaster  of  the  kind  since  the 
torpedoing  of  the  Lusitania.  Yet  it  is  Germany  that  is  the 
sinking  ship.  Ferdinand  of  Bulgaria  has  joined  the  League 
of  Abdication,  and  according  to  a  Sofia  telegram,  will  devote 
himself  to  scien- 
tific pursuits.  His 
only  regret  is  that 
the  Allies  thought 
of  it  first.  Prince 
Friedrich  Karl  of 
Hesse  says  that 
his  accession  to 
the  throne  of  Fin- 
land will  not  take 
place  for  two 
years,  and  for  the 
first  time  since  his 
emergence  into 
publicity  we  find 
ou  r  s  e  1  ve  s  in 
agreement  with 
this  monarch- 
elect.  Ludendorff 
has  resigned. 
Austria  is  suing 
for  peace;  Count 
Tisza  asks: 
"Why  not  admit 
frankly  that  we 
have  lost  the 
War?"  The 
Italians  have 
crossed       the 


SOLDIER  AND  CIVILIAN 

Marshal  Foch  (to  Messrs.  Clemenceau.  Wilson  and 
Lloyd  George):  "If  you're  going  up  that  road,  gentle- 
men, look  out  for  booby-traps." 

Piave,    and    t  h  e 

Serbians  have  reached  the  Danube.  Turkey  has  been  granted 
an  armistice,  and  with  the  daily  victories  of  the  Allies  comes 
the  daily  report  that  the  Kaiser  has  abdicated. 

Prince   Max   of    Baden,    the   successor  of   Hertling   in    the 
Chancellorship,     whose    appointment     hardlv    bears    out    the 

R  257 


Mr.  Pzuiclis  History  of  tlie  Great  War 


promise  of  popular  government,  has  issued  a  pacific  Manifesto 
which  inspires  an  '*  Iipilaph  in  anticipation  "  : 

In  memory  of  piX)r  Prince  Max, 

Who,  posing-  as  the  friend  of  Pax, 

Yet  was  not  noticeably  lax 

In  the  true  Teuton  faith  which  hacks 

Its  way  along  forbidden  tracks, 

Marks  bloody   dates  on   almanacs 

And  holds  all  promises  as  wax  ; 

Breeding,  where  once  we  knew  Hans  Sachs, 

A  race  of  monomaniacs.  .  .  . 

But  now  illusion's  mirror  cracks. 

The  radiant  vision  fades,  iJie  axe 

Lies  at  the  root.     So  farewell,  Max  ! 

Certain  people  have  proclaimed  their  opinion  that  the 
German  nation  ousjht  not  to  be  humiliated.  When  all  is  said, 
Mr.  Punch  saves  his  pity  for  our  murdered  dead. 

Parliament  has  met  again,  not  that  there  is  any  very 
urgent  need  for  their  labours  just  now.  With  a  caution  thai 
seemed  excessive  Mr.  Bonar  Law  has  thought  it  premature 
to  discuss  a  military  situation  changing  every  hour — though 
happily  always  for  the  better — or  even  to  propose  a  formal  Vote 
of  Thanks  to  men  who  are  daily  adding  to  their  harvest  of 
laurels.  On  better  grounds  discussion  of  Mr.  Wilson's  famous 
"fourteen  points  "  and  of  demobilisation  has  been  deprecated. 
The  suggestion — made  opportunely  on  Trafalgar  Day — for 
securing  marks  of  distinction  for  our  merchant  seamen  gained 
a  sympathetic  hearing,  and  the  proposal  to  make  women 
eligible  for  Parliament  has  been  carried  after  a  serious  debate 
by  an  overwhelming  majority  in  which  the  ci-devant  anti- 
suffragists  were  as  prominent  as  the  others.  Five  vears  ago 
such  a  motion  would  have  furnished  an  orgy  of  alleged  humour, 
and  been  laughed  out  of  the  House.  Mr.  Dillon  and  his  col- 
leagues have  put  a  great  many  questions  about  the  torpedoing 
of  the  Leinster  and  the  lack  of  an  escort.  But  it  is  unfortunate 
that  their  tone  suggested  more  indignation  with  the  alleged 
laches  of  the  Admiralty  than  horror  at  the  German  crime. 
Irish   indignation  over  the  outrage,  according  to  a  Nationalist 

258 


SJi^^E^ "^^^  3^'>»rd^J'ar<r(Ja»     ^ 


Die  ^ad)t  am  mnin 


259 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


M.P.,  is  intense;  but  not  to  the  point  of  expressing  itself  in 
khaki. 

The  woes  of  the  Irish  harvest  labourers  in   England  have 


/Vv/ftiA  ^aAA'»-<r^. 


Prosperous  Irish  Farmer  :    "  And  what  about  the  War,  your  Riverence  '^    Do 
ye  think  it  will  hould  ?  " 

not  yet  been  fully  appreciated,  and  seem  to  demand  a  revised 
version  of  "Moira  O'Neill's  "  beautiful  poem  : 

THE    IRISH    EXILE 

Over  here  in   England   I'm   slavin'   in  the  rain; 
Six-an'-six  a  day  we  get,  an'  beds  that  wanst  were  clane  ; 
Weary  on  the  English  work,   'tis  killin'  me  that  same — 
Och,    Muckish   Mountain,   where   I   used  to  lie  an'  dhrame ! 


At  night  the  windows  here  are  black  as  Father  Murphy's  hat ; 
'Tis  fivepence  for  a  pint  av  beer,  an'  thin  ye  can't  get  that; 
Their  beef  has  shtrings  like  anny  harp,  for  dacent  ham  I  hunV 
Och,   Muckish   Mountain,   an'   my  pig's  sweet  grunt! 

260 


Old  and  New  ''  Contemptibles  " 


Sure  there's  not  a  taste  av  butthermilk  that  wan  can  buy  or  beg, 
Thin  their  sweet  milk  has  no  crame,  an'  is  as  blue  as  a  duck-egg" ; 
Their  whisky  is  as  wake  as  wather-gruel  in  a  bowl — 
Och,   Muckish  Mountain,  where  tJie  poteen  warms  yer  sowl ! 

'Tis  mesilf  that  longs  for  Irish  air  an'  gran'  ould  Donegal, 
Where  there's  lashins  and  there's  lavins  and  no  scarcity  at  all ; 
Where  no  wan  cares  about  the  War,  but  just  to  ate  an'  play — 
Och,  Muckish  Mountain,   wid  yer  feet  beside  the  say  ! 

Sure   these    Englishmin   don't   spare   thimselves   in    this   thremenjus 

fight; 
They  say  'tis  life  or  death  for  thim,  an',  faith,   they  may  be  right ; 
But  Father  Murphy  tells  me  that  it's  no  consarn  av  mine — 
Och,   Muckish  Mountain,   where  the  white  clouds  shine ! 

Over  there  in  Ireland  we're  very  fond  av  peace. 

Though  we  break  the  heads  av  Orangemin  an'  batther  the  police; 

For  we're  all  agin  the  Governmint  wheriver  we  may  be — 

Och,   Muckish  Mountain,  an'  the  wild  wind  blowin'  free  ! 

if  they  tuk  me  out  to  Flandhers,  bedad  I'd  have  to  fight, 

An'  I'm  tould  thim  Jarman  vagabones  won't  let  ye  sleep  at  night; 

So  I'm  going  home  to  Ireland  wid  English  notes  galore^ — 

Och,  Muckish  Mountain,   I  will  niver  lave  ye  more  ! 

By  way  of  contrast  there  is  the  mood  of  the  Old  Contempt- 
ibles, but  it  is  only  fair  to  add  that  there  are  Irishmen  among 
them  : 

THE    OLD-TIMER 

'E  ain't  bin   'ung  with  medals,   like  a  lot  o'  chaps  abaht; 

'E's  wore  a  little  dingy  but  'e  isn't  wearin'  aht ; 

'Is  ole  tin  'at  is  battered,  but  it  isn't  battered  in, 

An'  if  'e  ain't  fergot  to  grouse,   'e  ain't  fergot  to  grin. 

I  fancy  that  'e's  aged  a  bit  since  fust  the  War  begun; 
'E's  'ad  'is  fill  o'  fightin'  an'  'e's  'ad  'is  share  o'  fun; 
'Is  eyes  is  kind  o'  quiet  an'  'is  mouth  is  sort  o'  set, 
But  if  I  didn't  know  'im  well  I  wouldn't  know  'im  yet. 

I  recollec'  the  look  of  'im  the  time  o'  the  retreat, 
The  blood  was  through  'is  toonic  an'  the  skin  was  orf  'is  feet; 
But  "Come  aboard  the  bus,"  say  'e,  "or  you'll  be  lef  be'ind  !  " 
An'  takes  me  weight  upon  'is  back — it  'asn't  slip  me  mind. 

261 


Mr.  Picnclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


It  might  'ave  'appened  yesterday,  it  comes  to  me  so  plain ; 
'E's  dahn  an'  up  a  dozen  times,  a-reeling  through  the  rain; 
It  might  'ave  bin  lars'  Saturday  I  seem  to  'ear  'im  say  : 
"There's  plenty  room  a-top,  me  lad,  an'  nothin'  more  to  pay." 

'E  ain't  bin  'ung  with  medals  like  a  blackamore  with  beads; 
'E  doesn't  figure  on  the  screen  a-doin'  darin'  deeds; 
But  reckon  I'll  be  lucky  if  I  gets  to  Kingdom  Come 
Along  o'  that  Contemptible  wot  wouldn't  leave  a  chum. 


First  Contemptible  :  "D'you  remember  hahing  here  on  the  retreat,  George?  " 
Second  Ditto:     "Can't  call  it  to  mind,  somehow.     Was  it  that   little  village  in 

the  wood  there  down  by  the  river,  or  was  it  that  place  with   the  cathedral  and  all 

them  factories  ?  " 


Amongst  other  items  of  news  we  have  to  chronicle  the  ap- 
pointment of  Mr.  Arnold  Bennett  as  a  Director  of  Propaganda, 
the  steady  growth  of  goat-keeping,  and  the  exactions  of  taxi- 
drivers.  It  is  now  suggested  that  if  one  of  these  pirates  should 
charge  you  largely  in  excess  of  his  legal  fare,  you  should 
tell  him  that  you  have  nothing  less  than  a  five-pound  note.  If 
you  have  an  honest  face  and  speak  kindly  he  will  probably 
accept  the  amount. 

Mr.  Bonar  Law  has  been  making  trips  to  and  from  France 
by  aeroplane.     The  report  that  a  number  of  members  of  the 

262 


THE   SANDS   RUN   OUT 


263 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  tlie  Great  War 


Opposition  have  been  invited  by  the  Admiralty  to  make  a 
descent  in  a  depth-charge  turns  out  to  be  unfounded.  The 
prospects  of  peace  are  being  discussed  on  public  platforms,  but, 
as  yet,  with  commendable  discretion.  Mr.  Roberts,  our  excellent 
Minister  of  Labour,  has  made  bold  to  say  that  "the  happenings 
of  the  last  six  weeks  justify  us  in  the  belief  that  peace  is  much 
nearer  than  it  was  during  the  earlier  part  of  the  year."  And 
a  weekly  paper  has  offered  a  prize  of  £'^00  to  the  reader  who 
predicts  the  date  when  the  War  wall  end.  Meanwhile,  Hanover 
is  said  to  have  made  Hindenburg  a  birthday  present  of  a 
house  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  Zoological  Gardens  in  that 
city,  and  we  suggest  that  before  this  gift  is  incorporated  in  the 
peace-terms  the  words  "the  neighbourhood  of"  should  be 
deleted. 


November,  igiS. 

THE  end  has  come  with  a  swiftness  that  has  out- 
done the  hopes  of  the  most  sanguine  optimists.  In 
the  first  eleven  days  of  November  we  have  seen  history 
in  the  making  on  a  larger  scale  and  with  larger  possibilities 
than  at  any  time  since  the  age  of  Napoleon,  perhaps  since  the 
world  began. 

To  take  the  chief  events  in  order,  the  Versailles  Conference 
opened  on  the  ist;  on  the  3rd  Austria  gave  in  and  the  resolve  of 
the  German  Naval  High  Command  to  challenge  the  Grand  Fleet 
in  the  North  Sea  was  paralysed  by  the  mutiny  at  Kiel ;  on  the  5th 
the  Versailles  Conference  gave  full  powers  to  Marshal  Foch  to 
arrange  the  terms  of  an  armistice,  and  President  Wilson 
addressed  the  last  of  his  Notes  to  Germany;  on  the  6th  the 
American  Army  reached  Sedan;  on  the  9th  Marshal  Foch  re- 
ceived Erzberger  and  the  other  German  Envoys,  the  Berlin 
Revolution  broke  out,  and  the  Kaiser  abdicated;  on  the  loth 
the  Kaiser  fled  to  Holland,  and  the  British  reached  Mons.  The 
wheel  had  come  full  circle.  The  Belgian,  British,  French,  and 
American  Armies  now  formed  a  semi-circle  from  Ghent  to 
Sedan,  and  threatened  to  surround  the  German  Armies  already 
in  retreat  and  crowded  into  the  narrow  valley  of  the  Meuse. 
Everything  was  ready  for  Foch's  final  attack;  indeed,  he  was 

264 


Victory  ! 


on  the  point  of  attacking  when  the  Germans,  recognising  that 
they  were  faced  with  the  prospect  of  a  Sedan  ten  times  greater 
than  that  of  1870,  signed  on  November  11  an  armistice  which 
was  equivalent  to  a  military  capitulation,  and  gave  Marshal 
Foch  all  that  he  wanted  without  the  heavy  losses  which  further 


VICTORY  1 


fighting  would  have  undoubtedly  involved.  He  had  shown 
himself  the  greatest  military  genius  of  the  War.  Here,  in  the 
words  of  one  of  his  former  colleagues  at  the  Ecole  de  Guerre, 
he  proved  himself  free  from  the  stains  which  have  so  often 
tarnished  great  leaders  in  war,  the  lust  of  conquest  and  personal 
ambition.     Not  only  the  Allies,  but  the  whole  world  owes  an 

265 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 

incalculable  debt  to  this  soldier  of  justice,  compact  of  reason 
and  faith,  imperturbable  in  adversity,  self-effacing  in  the  hour 
of  victory.  Glorious  also  is  the  record  of  the  other  French 
Generals  :  the  strong-souled  Petain,  hero  of  Verdun;  the  heroic 


OUR  MAN 
With  Mr.  Punch's  Grateful  Compliments  to  Field-Marshal  Sir  Douglas  Haig, 


Maunoury;  Castlenau  and  Mangin,  Gouraud,  Debeney,  and 
Franchet  d'Esperey,  Captains  Courageous,  worthy  of  France, 
her  cause,  and  her  indomitable  poilus.  In  the  record  of  acknow- 
ledgment France  stands  first  since  her  sacrifices  and  losses  have 
been  heaviest,  and  she  gave  us  in  Foch  the  chief  organiser  of 
victory,  in  Clemenceau  the  most  inspiring  example  of  in- 
trepid statesmanship.     But  the  War  could  not  have  been  won 

266 


CaptaiJts  Courageotis 


without  England  and  the  Empire ;  without  the  ceaseless  vigil  in 
the  North  Sea ;  without  the  heroes  of  Jutland  and  Coronel,  of  the 
Falkland  Isles  and  Zeebrugge,  of  the  Fleets  behind  the  Fleet; 
without  the  services  of  Smith-Dorrien  at  Mons,  French  at 
Ypres;  without  the  dogged  endurance,   the  inflexible  will  and 


THE  FINAL 

Tommy  ;(ex-footballer)  :     "  We  was  just  wipin' them   off    the   face  of    the    earth 
when  Foch  blows  his  whistle  and  shouts  '  Temps! 


the  self-sacrificing  loyalty  of  Haig;  the  dash  of  Maude  and 
Allenby ;  the  steadfast  leadership  in  defence  and  offence  of 
Plumer  and  Byng,  Home  and  Rawlinson  and  Birdwood. 

These  are  only  some  of  the  heroes  who  have  added  to  the 
glories  of  our  blood  and  State,  but  the  roll  is  endless — wonderful 
gunners  and  sappers  and  airmen  and  dispatch  riders,  devoted 

267 


Mr.  PmiicJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


surgeons  and  heroic  nurses,  stretcher-bearers  and  ambulance 
drivers.  But  Mr.  Punch's  special  heroes  are  the  Second  Lieu- 
tenants and  the  Tommy  who  went  on  winning  the  War  all  the 
time  and  never  said  that  he  was  winning  it  until  it  was  won. 

As  for  the  young  officers,  dead  and  living,  their  record  is 
the  best  answer  to  the  critics,  mostly  of  the  arm-chair  type, 
who  have  chosen  this  time  to  assail  our  public  school  system. 
In  the  papers  of  one  of  them  killed  on  August  28  there  was 
found  an  article  written  in  reply  to  "The  Loom  of  Youth," 
ending  with  these  words:  "Perhaps  the  greatest  consolation 
of  these  attacks  on  our  greatest  heritage  in  England  (for  we 
are  the  unique  possessors  of  the  Public  Schools)  is  the  convic- 
tion that  they  will  have  but  little  effect.  Every  public  school 
boy  is  serving,  and  one  in  every  six  gives  up  his  life.  They 
cannot  be  such  bad  places  after  all." 

Of  the  great  mistakes  made  by  Germany  perhaps  the  greatest 
was  in  reckoning  on  the  detachment  of  the  Dominions.  The 
Canadians  have  made  answer  on  a  hundred  stricken  fields 
before  and  after  Vimy  Ridge.  Australia  gave  her  goodliest  at 
Gallipoli,  crowning  the  imperishable  glory  of  those  who  died 
there  by  her  refusal  to  make  a  grievance  of  the  apparent  failure 
of  the  expedition,  and  by  the  amazing  achievement  of  her  troops 
in  the  last  six  months  of  the  War. 

The  immortal  dead,  British,  Australians,  New  Zealanders, 
who  fell  in  the  great  adventure  of  the  narrow  straits  are  not 
forgotten  in  the  hour  of  triumph. 

GALLIPOLI 

Qui  procul  hinc  ante  diem  pericrunt. 

Ye  unforgotten,  that  for  a  great  dream  died, 

Whose  failing  sense  darkened  on  peaks  unwon, 

Whose  souls  went  forth  upon   the   wine-dark   tide 
To  seas  beyond  the  sun, 

Far  off",  far  off,   but  ours  and   England's  yet. 

Know  she  has  conquered  !     Live  again,  and  let 
The  clamouring   trumpets  break  oblivion  ! 

Not  as  we  dreamed,  nor  as  you  strove  to  do, 
The  strait  is  doven,  the  crag  is  made  our  own ; 
268 


Enduring  Kings 


The  salt  grey  herbs  have  withered  over  you, 

The  stars  of  Spring  gone  down, 
And  your  long  loneliness  has  lain  unstirred 
By  touch  of  home,  unless  some  migrant  bird 

Flashed  eastward  from  the  white  cliffs  to  the  brown. 

Hard  by  the  nameless  dust  of  Argive  men, 
Remembered  and  remote,  like  theirs  of  Troy, 

Your  sleep  has  been,  nor  can  ye  wake  again 
To  any  cry  of  joy ; 

Summers  and  snows  have  melted  on  the  waves, 

And  past  the  noble  silence  of  your  graves 
The  merging  waters  narrow  and  deploy. 

But  not  in  vain,  not  all  in  vain,  thank  God  ; 

All  that  you  were  and  all  you  might  have  been 
Was  given  to  the  cold  effacing  sod, 

Unstrewn  with  garlands  green  ; 
The  valour  and  the  vision  that  were  yours 
Lie  not  with  broken  spears  and  fallen  towers. 

With  glories  perishable  of  all  things  seen. 

Children  of  one  dear  land  and  every  sea, 
At  last  fulfilment  comes — the  night  is  o'er ; 

Now,  as  at  Samothrace,  swift  Victory 
Walks  winged  on  the  shore; 

And  England,  deathless  Mother  of  the  dead, 

Gathers,  with  lifted  eyes  and  unbowed  head. 
Her  silent  sons  into  her  arms  once  more. 

Crowns  and  thrones  have  rocked  and  toppled  of  late,  but 
our  King  and  Queen,  by  their  unsparing  and  unfaltering 
devotion  to  duty,  by  their  simplicity  of  life  and  unerring  instinct 
for  saying  and  doing  the  right  thing,  have  not  only  set  a  fine 
example,  but  strengthened  their  hold  on  the  loyalty  of  all 
classes.  And  King  Albert,  who  defied  Germany  at  the  outset, 
shared  the  dangers  of  his  soldiers  in  retreat  and  disaster,  and 
throughout  the  war  proved  an  inspiration  to  his  people,  has 
been  spared  to  lead  them  to  victory  and  has  gloriously  come 
into  his  own  again.  His  decision  to  resist  Germany  was  per- 
haps the  most  heroic  act  of  the  War,  and  he  has  emerged 
trom  his  tremendous  ordeal  with  world-wide  prestige  and  un- 

269 


Mr.  PicncJis  History  of  the  Great  War 


abated  distaste  for  the  limelight.  The  liberation  and  resurrec- 
tion of  Belgium  and  Serbia  have  been  two  of  the  most  splendid 
outcomes  of  the  World  War,  as  the  debacle  in  Russia  and  the 
martyrdom  of  Armenia  have  been  its  greatest  tragedies. 

Parliament  has  been  seen  at  its  best  and  worst.  When  the 
Prime  Minister  rose  in  the  House  on  the  afternoon  of  the  nth 
to  announce  the  terms  of  the  Armistice  signed  at  5  a.m.  that 
morning,  members  from  nearly  all  parts  of  the  House  rose 
to  acclaim  him.  Even  "the  ranks  of  Tuscany  "  on  the  front 
Opposition  bench  joined  in  the  general  cheering.  Only  Mr. 
Dillon  and  his  half-dozen  supporters  remained  moody  and 
silent,  and  when  Mr.  Speaker,  in  his  gold-embroidered  joy- 
robes,  headed  a  great  procession  to  St.  Margaret's  Church, 
and  the  ex-Premier  and  his  successor — the  man  who  drew  the 
sword  of  Britain  in  the  war  for  freedom  and  the  man  whose 
good  fortune  it  has  been  to  replace  it  in  the  sheath — fell  in 
side  by  side,  behind  them  walked  the  representatives  of  every 
party  save  one.  Mr.  Dillon  and  his  associates  had  more  urgent 
business  in  one  of  the  side  lobbies — to  consider,  perhaps,  why 
Lord  Grey  of  Fallodon,  in  his  eve-of-war  speech,  had  referred 
to  Ireland  as  "the  one  bright  spot."  This  Irish  aloofness  is 
wondrously  illustrated  by  the  Sunday  Independent  of  Dublin, 
which,  in  its  issue  of  November  10,  spoke  of  a  racing  event  as 
the  only  redeeming  featiire  of  "an  unutterably  dull  week."  We 
have  to  thank  Mr.  Dillon,  however,  for  unintentionally  enliven- 
ing the  dulness  of  the  discussion  on  the  relations  of  Lord  North- 
cliffe  to  the  Ministry  of  Information  and  his  forecast  of  the 
peace  terms.  Mr.  Baldwin,  for  the  Government,  while  en- 
deavouring to  allay  the  curiosity  of  members,  said  that 
"Napoleons  will  be^ Napoleons."  Mr.  Dillon  seemed  to  desire 
the  appointment  of  a  "NorthclifTe  Controller,"  but  that  is 
impracticable.  All  our  bravest  men  are  too  busy  to  take  on  the 
job.  Better  still  was  the  pointed  query  of  Lord  Henry  Bentinck, 
"Is  it  not  possible  to  take  Lord  NorthclifTe  a  little  too 
seriously?"  But  there  are  other  problems  to  which  the 
House  has  been  addressing  itself  with  a  justifiable  seriousness — 
"Dora"  and  demobilisation,  the  shortage  of  food  and  coal, 
and  the  question  how  at  the  same  time  we  are  to  provide  for 
the  outlay  of  coals  of  fire  and  feed  the  Huns  and  not  the  guns. 

270 


Kngland  and  the  A  rinistice 


And  how  has  England  taken  the  news?  In  the  main  soberly 
and  in  a  spirit  of  infinite  thankfulness,  though  in  too  many 
thousands  of  homes  the  loss  of  our  splendid,  noble  and  gallant 
sons — alas !  so  often  only  sons — who  made  victory  possible 
by  the  gift  of  their  lives,  has  made  rejoicing  impossible  for 
those  who  are  left  to  mourn  them.  Yet  there  is  consolation  in 
the  knowledge  that  if  they  had  lived  to  extreme  old  age 
they  could  never  have  made  a  nobler  thing  of  their  lives. 
Shakespeare,   who  "has  always  been  there  before,"  wrote  the 


ARMISTICE   DAY 

Small  Child  (excitedly) :     "  Oh,  Mother,  what  do  you  think  ?     They've   given 
us  a  whole  holiday  to-day  in  aid  of  the  war." 

epitaph  of   those  who   fell   in    France   when    he  spoke   of   one 

who  gave 

His  body  to  that  pleasant  country's  earth, 
And  his  pure  soul  unto  his  captain,   Christ, 
Under  whose  colours  he  had  fought  so  long. 

And  it  is  a  source  of  unspeakable  joy  that  our  children 
are  safe.  For  though  to  most  of  them  their  ignorance  has  been 
bliss,  they  have  not  escaped  the  horrors  of  a  war  in  which 
non-combatants  have  suflfered  worse  than  ever  before.     Only 


Mr.  Punclis  History  of  the  Great  War 


the  healing  hand  of  time  can  allay  the  grief  of  those  for  whom 
there  can  be  no  reunion  on  earth  with  their  nearest  and  dearest : 

At  last  the  dawn  creeps  in  with  golden  fingers 
Seeking-  my  eyes,  to  bid  them  open  wide 

Upon  a  world  at  peace,   where  Sweetness  lingers, 
Where  Terror  is  at  rest  and  Hate  has  died. 

Loud  soon  shall  sound  a  paean  of  thanksgiving 
From  happy  women,  welcoming  their  men. 

Life  born  anew  of  joy  to  see  them  living. 
Mother  of  Pity,  what  shall  I  do  then? 

Of  the  people  at  large  Mr.  Punch  cannot  better  the  praise 
of  one,  the  late  Mr.  Henry  James,  who  was  nothing  if  not 
critical,  and  who  proved  his  love  of  England  by  adopting  her 
citizenship  in  the  darkest  hour  of  her  need  :  "They  were  about 
as  good,  above  all,  when  it  came  to  the  stress,  as  could  well 
be  expected  of  people.  They  didn't  know  how  good  they  were," 
and  if  they  lacked  imagination  they  stimulated  it  immensely 
in  others. 

Apart  from  some  effervescence  in  the  great  cities.  Armistice 
Day  was  celebrated  without  exultation  or  extravagance.  In 
one  village  that  we  know  of  the  church  bells  were  rung  by 
women.  In  London  our  deliverance  was  to  many  people 
marked  in  the  most  dramatic  way  by  the  breaking  of  his  long 
silence  by  Big  Ben  : 

Gone  are  the  days  when   sleep  alone  could  break 

War's  grim  and  tyrannous  spells  ; 
Now  it  is  rest  and  joy  to  lie  awake 

And  listen  to  the  bells. 

So  the  Great  War  ended.  But  there  yet  remained  the  most 
dramatic  episode  of  all— the  surrender  of  the  German  Fleet 
to  Admiral  Beatty  at  Scapa  Flow— a  surrender  unprecedented 
in  naval  history,  a  great  victory  won  without  striking  a  blow, 
which  yet  brought  no  joy  to  our  Grand  Fleet.  For  our  admirals 
and  captains  and  bluejackets  felt  that  the  Germans  had  smirched 
the  glory  of  the  fighting  men  of  the  sea,  hitherto  maintained 
in  untarnished  splendour  bv  all  vanquished  captains  from  the 
days  of  Carthage  to  those  of  Cervera  and  Cradock. 

272 


IN  HONOUR  OF   THE   BRITISH   NAVY 
To  commemorate  the  surrender  of  the  German  Fleet 


^12> 


EPILOGUE 

IT  remains  to  trace  in  brief  retrospect  the  record  of  "the 
months  between  " — a  period  of  test  and  trial  almost  as 
severe  as  that  of  the  War. 

Having  steadfastly  declined  the  solution  of  a  Peace  without 
Victory,  the  Allies  entered  last  November  on  the  transitional 
period  of  Victory  without  Peace.  The  fighting  was  ended  in 
the  main  theatres  of  war,  the  Kaiser  and  Crown  Prince,  dis- 
crowned and  discredited,  had  sought  refuge  in  exile,  the  great 
German  War  machine  had  been  smashed,  and  demobilisation 
began  at  a  rate  which  led  to  inevitable  congestion  and  dis- 
appointment. The  prosaic  village  blacksmith  was  not  far  out 
when,  in  reply  to  the  vicar's  pious  hope  that  the  time  had  come 
to  beat  our  sword  into  a  ploughshare,  he  observed,  "Well,  I 
don't  know,  sir.  Speaking  as  a  blacksmith  of  forty-five  years' 
experience,  I  may  tell  you  it  can't  be  done."  "The  whole 
position  is  provisional,"  said  the  Times  at  the  end  of  November. 
If  Germany,  Austria,  and  Russia  were  to  be  fed,  how  was  it 
to  be  done  without  disregarding  the  prior  claims  of  Serbia  and 
Roumania  ?  Even  at  home  the  food  question  still  continued  to 
agitate  the  public  mind. 

The  General  Election  of  December,  igi8,  which  followed 
the  dissolution  of  the  longest  Parliament  since  the  days  of 
Charles  II.,  was  a  striking,  if  temporary  proof,  of  the  persistence 
of  the  rationing  principle.  It  proved  a  triumph  for  the  Coali- 
tion "Coupon"  and  for  Mr.  Lloyd  George;  the  extremists 
and  Pacificists  were  snowed  under;  Mr.  Asquith  was  rejected 
and  his  followers  reduced  to  a  mere  handful ;  Labour  came  back 
with  an  increased  representation,  though  not  as  great  as  it 
desired  or  deserved.  The  triumph  of  the  irreconcilables  in 
Ireland  was  a  foregone  but  sinister  conclusion  to  their  activities 
in  the  War,  and  an  ominous  prelude  to  their  subsequent  efforts 
to  wreck  the  Peace.    The  pledges  in  regard  to  indemnities,  the 

275 


Epilogue 


treatment  of  the  Kaiser,  and  conscription  so  lavishly  given  by 
the  Coalition  Leaders  caused  no  little  misgiving  at  the  time, 
and  pledges,  like  curses,  have  an  awkward  way  of  coming  home 
to  roost.    Mr.  Punch's  views  on  the  Kaiser,  expressed  in  his 


"  Don'l  you   think   we   ought   to   liang  the   Kaiser,   Mrs.   'Arris?" 
"  It    ain't    the    Kaiser    I'm    worrying    about — it's    the    bloke    what    interjuiced 
this   war-bacon." 


Christmas  Epilogue,  are  worth  recalling.  Mr.  Punch  did  not 
clamour  for  the  death  penalty,  or  wish  to  hand  him  over  to 
the  tender  mercies  of  German  Kultur.  "The  only  fault  he 
committed  in  German  eyes  is  that  he  lost  the  War,  and  I 
wouldn't  have  him  punished  for  the  wrong  offence — for  some- 
thing, indeed,  which  was  our  doing  as  much  as  his.  No,  I 
think  I  would  just  put  him  out  of  the  way  of  doing  further 
harm,  in  some  distant  penitentiary  like  the  Devil's  Island,  and 
leave  him  to  himself  to  think  it  all  over;  as  Caponsacchi  said 
of  Guido  in  '  The  Ring  and  the  Book  '  : 

Not  to  die  so  much  as  slide  out  of  life, 

Pushed   by   the  general   horror  and   common   hate 

Low,   lower — left  o'   the  very  edge  of  things." 

Christmas,    1918,   was  more  than   "the  Children's  Truce." 

276 


Epilogtte 


Our  bugles  had  "sung  truce,"  the  war  cloud  had  lifted,  the 
invaded  sky  was  once  more  free  of  "the  grim  geometry  of 
Mars,"  and  though  very  few  households  could  celebrate  the 
greatest  of  anniversaries  with  unbroken   ranks,   the   mercy  of 


y*M34. 


REUNITED 

Strasbourg.  December  8th.   1918. 


reunion  was  granted  to  many  homes.  Yet  Mr.  Punch,  in  his 
Christmas  musings  on  the  solemn  memory  of  the  dead  who 
gave  us  this  hour,  could  not  but  realise  the  greatness  of  the  task 
that  lay  before  us  if  we  were  to  make  our  country  worthy  of 
the  men  who  fought  and  died  for  her.  The  War  was  over, 
but  another  had  yet  to  be  waged  against  poverty  and  sordid 
environment;  against  the  disabilities  of  birth;  against  the  abuse 

277 


EpiIog2ie 


of  wealth ;  against  the  mutual  suspicions  of  Capital  and 
Labour;  against  sloth,  indifference,  self-complacency,  and 
short  memories. 

So  the  Old  Year  passed,  the  last  of  a  terrible  quinquen- 
nium, bringing  grounds  for  thankfulness  and  hope  along  with 
the  promise  of  unrest  and  upheaval  :  with  Alsace-Lorraine 
reunited  to  France,  with  the  British  army  holding  its  Watch 
on  the  Rhine,  and  with  all  eyes  fixed  on  Paris,  the  scene  of 
the  Peace  Conference,  already  invaded  by  an  international  army 
of  delegates,  experts,  advisers,  secretaries,  typists,  500  American 
journalists,  and  President  Wilson. 

Great  Expectations  and  their  Tardy  Fulfilment,  thus  in  head- 
line fashion  might  one  summarise  the  story  of  1919,  with  Peace, 
the  world's  desire,  waiting  for  months  outside  the  door  of  the 
Conference  Chamber,  with  civil  war  in  Germany,  Berlin 
bombed  by  German  airmen,  and  anarchy  in  Russia,  and  here 
at  home  impatience  and  discomfort,  aggravated  in  the  earlier 
months  by  strikes  and  influenza,  the  largely  increased  numbers 
of  unemployed  politicians,  the  weariest  and  dreariest  of  winter 
weather. 

Yet  even  January  had  its  alleviations  in  the  return  of  the 
banana,  the  prospect  of  unlimited  lard,  a  distinct  improve- 
ment in  (he  manners  of  the  retail  tradesman,  the  typographical 
fireworks  of  the  Times  in  honour  of  President  Wilson,  and  the 
retreat  of  Lord  Northcliffe  to  the  sunny  south.  Lovers  of 
sensation  were  conciliated  by  the  appointment  of  "F.E."  to  the 
Lord  Chancellorship,  the  outbreak  of  Jazz,  and  the  discovery  of 
a  French  author  that  the  plays  usually  attributed  to  Shakespeare 
were  written  by  Lord  Derby,  though  not  apparently  the  present 
holder  of  the  title.  The  loss,  through  rejection  or  withdrawal, 
of  so  many  of  his  old  Parliamentary  puppets  was  a  serious  blow 
to  Mr.  Punch,  but  the  old  Liberals,  buried  like  the  Babes  in  the 
Wood  beneath  a  shower  of  Coalition  coupons,  already  showed 
a  sanguine  spirit,  and  the  departure  of  the  freaks  could  be  con- 
templated with  resignation.  The  great  Exodus  to  Paris  began 
in  December,  but  it  reached  its  height  in  January.  The  mystery 
of  the  Foreign  Office  official  who  had  not  gone  was  cleared  up 
by  the  discovery  that  he  was  the  caretaker,  a  pivotal  man  who 
could  not  be  demobilised.     Another  exodus  of  a  less  desirable 

278 


RECONSTRUCTION :    A  NEW  YEAR'S  TASK 


27c, 


Epilogue 

sort  was  that  of  the  Sinn  Fein  prisoners,  which  g^ave  rise  to  the 
rumour  that  the  Lord  Lieutenant  had  threatened  that  if  they 
destroyed  any  more  jails  they  would  be  rigorously  released. 
Sinn  Fein,  which  refused  to  fight  Germany,  had  already  begun 
to  play  at  a  new  sort  of  war.  Australia  was  preparing  to  w-elcome 
the  homing  transports  sped  with  messages  of  Godspeed  from  the 
Motherland  : 

Rich  reward  your  hearts  shall  hold, 

None  less  dear  if  long  delayed. 
For  with   gifts  of  wattle-gold 

Shall  your  country's  debt  be  paid  ; 
From  her  sunlight's  golden  store 
She  shall  heal  your  hurts  of  war. 

Ere  the  mantling  Channel's  mist 
Dim   your  distant   decks   and   spars, 

And   your   flag   that   victory   kissed 
And  Valhalla  hung  with   stars — 

Crowd  and  watch  our  signal  fly  : 

"  Gallant  hearts,  good-bye  !     Good-bye ! " 

February,  a  month  of  comparative  anti-climax,  witnessed 
the  reassembling  of  Parliament,  fuller  than  ever  of  members  if 
not  of  wisdom.  As  none  of  the  Sinn  Feiners  were  present,  nor 
indeed  any  representative  of  Irish  Nationalism,  the  proceedings 
were  as  orderly  as  a  Quaker's  funeral,  save  for  the  arrival  of  one 
member  on  a  motor-scooter.  Perhaps  the  most  interesting  in- 
formation elicited  during  the  debates  was  this — that  every  ques- 
tion put  down  costs  the  tax-payer  a  guinea.  On  February  20th 
there  were  282  on  the  Order  Paper,  and  Mr.  Punch  was  moved 
to  wonder  whether  this  cascade  of  curiosity  might  be  abated  if 
every  questionist  were  obliged  to  contribute  half  the  cost,  the 
amount  to  be  deducted  from  his  official  salary.  The  Speaker, 
the  greatest  of  living  Parliamentarians,  was  re-elected  by 
acclamation.  Though  human  and  humorous,  he  has  grown  into 
something  almost  more  like  an  institution  than  a  man,  like  Big 
Ben,  that  great  patriot  and  public  servant  who  never  struck 
during  the  war.  The  best  news  in  February  was  that  of  M. 
Clemenceau's  escape,  though  wounded,  from  the  Anarchist 
assassin  who  had  attempted  to  translate  Trotsky's  threat  into 

280 


THE  1919  MODEL 

Mr.   Punch  :    "  They've    given    you   a    fine    new    machine,  Mr. 
Premier,  and  you've  got  plenty  of  spirit,  but  look  out  for  bumps." 


281 


Epilogtie 


action.  But  it  did  not  help  on  the  proposed  Conference  with  the 
Russians  at  Prinkipo  or  encourag^e  the  prospect  of  any  tangible 
results  from  the  deliberation  of  the  Prinkipotentiaries.  The 
plain  man  could  see  no  third  choice  beyond  supporting  Bol- 
shevism or  anti-Bolshevism.  But  according  to  our  Prime 
Minister,  we  were  committed  to  a  compromise.    The  Allies  were 


"  How  was  it  you   never  let  your  mother  know  you'd  won   the   V.C.  }  " 
"  It  wasna   ma   turrn   tae  write." 

not  prepared  to  intervene  in  force,  and  they  could  not  leave 
Russia  to  slew  in  her  own  hell-broth.  Meanwhile  the  chief 
criminal,  Germany,  had  begun  to  utter  ad  misericordiam 
appeals  for  the  relaxation  of  the  Armistice  terms  on  the  score 
of  their  cruelty;  and  Count  Brockdorff-Rantzau  g^ave  us  a  fore- 
taste of  his  quality  by  declaring  that  "Germany  cannot  be 
treated  as  a  second-rale  nation." 

282 


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283 


Epilogtie 


At  home,  though  the  rays  of  "sweet  unrationed  revelry  " 
were  still  to  come,  and  Dulce  Domum  could  not  yet  be  sung  in 
every  sense,  February  brought  us  some  relief  in  the  de- 
mobilisation of  the  pivotal  pig.  And  the  decision  to  hold  a 
National  Industrial  Conference  was  of  encouraging  augury 
for  the  settlement  of  industrial  strife  on  the  basis  of  a  full 
inquiry  and  frank  statement  of  facts.  In  other  walks  of  life 
reticence  still  has  its  charms,  and  even  in  February  people  had 
begun  to  ask  who  the  General  was  who  had  threatened  not 
to  write  a  book  about  the  War. 

March,  the  mad  month,  remained  true  to  type.  Even  Mr. 
Punch  found  it  hard  to  preserve  his  equanimity  : 

O  Month,  before  your  final  moon  is  set 

Much   may   have   happened — anything,    in   fact; 
More  than  in  any  March  that  I  have  met 

(Last  year  excepted)  fearful  nerves  are  racked; 
Anarchy  does  with   Russia  what  it  likes ; 

Paris  is  put  conundrums  very  knotty ; 
And  here  in   England,   with   its  talk  of  strikes, 

Men,  like  your  own  March  hares,  seem  going  dotty. 

Abroad   the  ex-Kaiser  was  very  busy  sawing  trees,    possibly 
owing  to  an  hallucination  that  they  were  German  Generals. 

At  home  the  Government  decided  to  release  such  of  the  Sinn 
Fein  prisoners  as  had  not  already  saved  them  the  trouble,  and 
a  Coal  Industry  Commission  was  appointed  on  which  no  repre- 
sentative of  the  general  public  was  invited  to  sit — that  is  to  say, 
the  patient,  much  enduring  consumer,  not  the  public  which  has 
all  along  sought  to  discount  peace  by  premature  whooping, 
jubilating,  and  Jazzing.  For  the  Dove  of  Peace,  though  in 
strict  training,  seemed  in  danger  of  collapsing  under  the  weight 
of  the  League  of  Nations'  olive  bough,  to  say  nothing  of  other 
perils,  notably  the  Bolshy-bird,  a  most  obscene  brand  of  vulture. 

Mr.  Wilson  was  onre  more  on  the  Atlantic,  and  Mr.  Lloyd 
George,  distracted  between  his  duties  in  Paris  and  the  demands 
of  Labour,  recalled  Sir  Boyle  Roche's  bird,  or  the  circus  per- 
former riding  two  horses  at  once.  In  Parliament  the  interpreta- 
tion of  election  pledges  occupied  a  good  deal  of  time,  and  Mr. 
Bonar    Law   twice   declared   the   policy   of   the   Government   in 

284 


THE  EASTER  OFFERING 

Mr.   Lloyd  George  (fresh   from    Paris):    "I    don't    say   it's    a 
perfect  egg,  but  parts  of  it,  as  the  saying  is,  are  excellent. 


285 


Epilogue 


regard  to  indemnities  as  being  lo  demand  the  largest  amount 
that  Germany  could  pav,  but  not  to  demand  what  we  knew  she 
couldn't  pay.  It  would  have  saved  him  a  great  deal  of  trouble 
if  at  the  General  Election  the  Government  spokesmen  had 
insisted  as  much  upon  the  second  half  of  the  policy  as  they  did 
on  the  first.     Earnest  appeals  for  economy  were  made  from  the 


OVERWEIGHTED 

President  Wilson:    "Here's  your  olive   branch.      Now  gel  busy." 
DovK   OF    Peace:     "Of    course,   I   wanl  to  please  everybody,  but  isn't  this  a 
bit   thick  ?" 


Treasury  Bench  on  the  occasion  of  the  debate  on  the  Civil 
Service  Estimates,  now  swollen  to  five  times  their  pre-war 
magnitude,  and  were  heartily  applauded  by  the  House.  To 
show  how  thoroughly  thry  had  gone  home,  Mr.  Adamson,  the 
Labour  Leader,  immediately  pre.ssed  for  an  increase  in  the 
salaries  of  Members  of  Parliament. 

286 


Epilogue 


On  the  Rhine  the  efforts  of  our  army  of  occupation  to 
present  the  stern  and  forbidding  air  supposed  to  mark  our 
dealings  wit'i  the  inhabitants  were  proving  a  lamentable  failure. 
You  can't  produce  a  really  good  imitation  of  a  Hun  without 
lots  of  practice.     Gloating  is  entirely  foreign  to  the  nature  of 


HOW  TO  BRIGHTEN  THE  PERIOD  OF  REACTION 

Mother  (to  son  who  has  fought  on  most  of  the  Fronts)-  "Don't  you 
know  what  to  do  with  yourself,  George  ?  Why  don't  you  'ave  a  walk  down 
the   road,   dear  ?  " 

Father:  "Ah,  'e  ain't  seen  the  corner  where  they  pulled  down  Sim- 
mondses'   fish-shop,  'as  'e.   Ma?" 


Thomas  Atkins,  and  he  could  not  pass  a  child  yelling  in  the 
gutter  without  stooping  to  comfort  it.  At  home  his  education 
was  proceeding  on  different  lines.  The  period  of  reaction  had 
set  in,  and  unwonted  exertions  were  necessary  to  stimulate  his 
interest.  Such  artless  devices  were,  however,  preferable  to  the 
pastime,  already  fashionable  in  more  exalted  circles,  of  kicking 
a  total  stranger  round  the  room  to  the  accompaniment  of 
cymbals,  a  motor  siren,  and  a  frying  pan. 


Epilogue 


After  a  month  of  madness  it  was  not  to  be  wondered  at  that 
we  should  have  a  month  of  muzzling,  though  the  enforcement 
of  the  order  might  have  been  profitably  extended  from  dogs 
to  journalists.  The  secrecy  maintained  by  the  Big  Four — a 
phrase  invented  by  America — the  conflict  of  the  idealists  with 
the  realists,  and  the  temporary  break-away  of  the  Italian 
wrestler,  Orlando,  were  bound  to  excite  comment.  But  a 
shattered  world  could  not  be  rebuilt  in  a  day,  with  Bolshevist 
wolves  prowling  about  the  Temple  of  Peace,  and  the  Dove  at 
sea  between  the  Ark  and  Archangel.  The  Covenant  of  the 
League  of  Nations,  though  in  a  diluted  form,  had  at  last  taken 
shape,  the  Peace  Machine  had  got  a  move  on,  and  the  Premier's 
spirited,  if  not  very  dignified,  retaliation  on  the  newspaper 
snipers  led  to  an  abatement  of  unnecessary  hostilities,  though  the 
pastime  of  shooting  policemen  with  comparative  impunity  still 
flourished  in  Ireland,  and  the  numbers  and  cost  of  our  "army 
of  inoccupation  "  still  continued  to  increase.  Innumerable 
queries  were  made  in  Parliament  on  the  subject  of  the  un- 
employment dole,  but  the  announcement  that  the  Admiralty  did 
not  propose  to  perpetuate  the  title  "Grand  Fleet"  for  the 
principal  squadron  of  His  Majesty's  Navy  passed  without 
comment.  The  Grand  Fleet  is  now  a  part  of  the  History  that 
it  did  so  much  to  make. 

May  and  June  were  "hectic"  months,  in  which  the  reaction 
from  the  fatigues  and  restraints  of  War  found  vent  in  an 
increased  disinclination  for  work,  encouraged  by  a  tropical  sun. 
These  were  the  months  of  the  resumption  of  cricket,  the  Victory 
Derby,  the  flood  of  honours,  and  the  flying  of  the  Atlantic, 
with  a  greater  display  of  popular  enthusiasm  over  the  gallant 
airmen  who  failed  in  that  feat  than  over  the  generals  who  had 
won  the  War.  They  were  also  the  months  of  the  duel  between 
Mr.  Smillie  and  the  Dukes,  the  discovery  of  oil  in  Derbyshire, 
the  privileged  excursion  into  War  polemics  of  Lord  French, 
unrest  in  Fgypt,  renewed  trouble  with  the  police,  and  a 
shortage  of  beer,  boots  and  clothes. 

Rut  though  the  Big  Four  had  been  temporarily  reduced  to 
a  Big  Three  by  Italy's  withdrawal,  and  tliough  M.  Clemenceau, 
Mr.  Lloyd  George,  and  President  Wilson  had  all  suffered  in 
prestige  by  the  slow  progress  of  the  negotiations,   Versailles, 

288 


'•END    OF    A    PERFECT    'TAG.' 


289 


Rpiloi^iic 


with  ihe  advent  of  the  German  delegates,  more  than  ever  riveted 
the  gaze  of  an  expectant  world.  To  sign  or  not  to  sign,  or,  in  the 
words  of  Wilhelm  Shakespeare,  Se'in  oder  nichl  scin:  hier  ist 
die  Frage — that  was  the  prohlem  which  from  the  moment  of  his 
famous  opening  speech  Count  Brockdorff-Rantzau  was  up 
against.  But,  as  the  days  wore  on,  in  spite  of  official  impeni- 
tence and  the  double  breach  of  the  Armistice  terms  by  the 
scuttling  of  the  German  war-ships  at  Scapa  and  the  burning 
of  the  French  flags  at  Berlin,  the  force  of  "fierce  reluctant 
truculent  delay  "  was  spent  against  the  steadily  growing  volume 
of  national  acquiescence,  culminating  in  the  decision  of  the 
Weimar  Assembly,  the  tardy  choice  of  new  delegates,  and  the 
final  scene  in  the  Hall  of  Mirrors,  haunted  by  the  ghosts 
of  1S71. 

Writing  at  the  moment  of  the  Signature  of  Peace  and  in 
deep  thankfulness  for  the  relief  it  brings  to  a  stricken  world,  Mr. 
Punch  is  too  old  to  jazz  for  joy,  but  he  is  young  enough  to  face 
the  future  with  a  reasoned  optimism,  born  of  a  belief  in  his  race 
and  their  heroic  achievements  in  these  great  and  terrible  years. 
Victory  took  us  by  surprise;  and  we  were  less  prepared  for 
Peace  at  that  moment  than  we  had  ever  been  for  War.  And 
just  as  in  the  first  days  of  the  fighting  we  went  astray,  running 
after  the  cry  "Business  as  usual,"  so  to-day  we  are  making  as 
bad  a  mistake  when  we  run  after  "Pleasure  as  usual  " — or  rather 
more  than  usual.  But  we  soon  revised  that  early  error,  and  we 
shall  not  waste  much  time  about  revising  this.  For  though  we 
lacked  imagination  then,  and  still  lack  it,  we  have  the  gift, 
perhaps  even  more  useful  if  less  showy,  of  commonsense.  And 
when  commonsense  is  found  in  natures  that  are  honest  and 
hearts  that  are  clean,  it  may  make  mistakes,  but  not  for  long. 
No,  the  spirit  which  won  the  War  is  not  going  to  fail  us  at  this 
second  call.  Perhaps  we  have  only  been  waiting  for  the  actual 
coming  of  Peace  to  settle  down  to  our  new  and  greater  task. 

But  let  us  never  forget  the  debt,  unpaid  and  unpayable,  to 
our  immortal  dead  and  to  the  valiant  survivors  of  the  great 
conflict,  to  whom  we  owe  freedom  and  security  and  the 
possibility  of  a  better  and  cleaner  world. 


290 


GHOSTS  AT  VERSAILLES 


291 


INDEX 


"According  to  plan,"  243 

Admirals,   retired,  accept  commissions 

in  K.N.R.,  150 
Admiralty  and  Zeebrugge  despatches, 

230 
Africa,     German     South-West,     Botha 

makes  clean  sweep  in,  43 
After  one  Year,  49 
Airmen,  Allied 

Bombard  Karlsruhe,  39 

German,  increased  activity  of,   140 
Air   Raids 

Daylight,  extend  to  London,   160 

Public  to  be  warned,    166 
Aisne,  Battle  of,  5 
Alarming  spread  of  bobbing,  251 
Albert,  King  of  Belgium 

Tribute  to,  269 

Victorious  on  Flanders  coast,  256 
Alleuby,  General 

Advances  steadily,   180 

Captures  Damascus,  248 

Enters  Jerusalem,  190 
Allied  Council,  new,  formed,   186 
Allotment  workers,  226 
Alsace-Lorraine    reunited    to     France, 

278 
Also  Ran,  141 
America 

Enters  War,  145 

War  of  Notes,  50 
American,     an,      interviews     German 

Crown  Prince,  114 
American  Troops 

Enter  firing  line,  207 

First  land  in  France,   158 
Ammunition    expended    round    Neuve 

ChapeUe,  32 
Amundsen,    Roald,    prepares   for    trip 

to  North  Pole,  180 
Ancre,  British  push  extends  to,  119 
Anglia,  East,  air-raids  in,  28 
Antwerp,  Fall  of,  10 
Anzac,  British  heroism  at,  50 
Armenia,  martyrdom  of,  270 
Armentieres,    Germans   break   through 

at,  213 
Armistice 

Big  Ben  breaks  silence,  272 

How  England  took  news  of,  272 

Signed,  265 

Women  ring  church  bells,  27a 


Armistice  Day,  271 

Army  Signalling  Alphabet,  139 

Asquith,  Mr. 

Ceases  to  be  Prime  Minister,   124 

Discusses  new  Votes  of  Credit,  80 

Goes  to  Ireland,  90 

Promises  to  purge  Peerage  of  Enemy 
Dukes,  105 

Recants    hostility    to    Women's    suf- 
frage, 148 

Rejected  at  General  Election,  275 
Athens,  riot  in,  128 
"  Au  Revoir  !  "  xi 
Australians,  valour  of,  65 
Austria 

Defeated  by  Serbia,  20 

Defeated  on  Italian  front,  229 

Gives  in,    264 

Issues  Peace  Note,  251 

Sues  for  Peace,  257 

Threatens  Roumania,  20 
Austrians      driven      from      Belgrade, 
15 


Bad  Dream,  A,  153 

Baghdad,  taken  by  British,  139 

Balfour,  Mr. 

Appointed  First  Lord,  39 

Returns  from  U.S.A.,  161 
Balkans,  irrelevant  news  from,  64 
Banana,  return  of  the,  2 78 
Bapaume 

Germans  take,  207 

Recaptured  by  Allies,  242 
Beatty,    Admiral,    German    Fleet    sur- 
renders to,  272 
Belgium 

Opposes  German  invasion,  2 

Resurrection  of,  270 
Belgrade  occupied  by  enemy,  57 
Bennett,  Mr.  .\rnold,  appointed  Direc- 
tor of  Propaganda,  262 
Berlin 

Bombed,  278 

French  flags  burnt  at,  290 

Revolution   breaks  out,    264 

Strikes  in,  suppressed,  202 
Bernstorff,  Count 

Mendacity  of,  23 

Promotes  strikes  in  U.S.A.,  52 
Best  Smell  of  All,  the,  234 


293 


Index 


Bethniann-HoUweg  dismissed,  1O4 

Betrayed,  191 

Big  Four's  secrecy,  288 

Big  Push,  The,   103 

Billing,   Mr.   Pemberton 

Elected  for  Mid-Herts,  80 

Offers  to  raid  eneroy  aircraft  bases, 
86 

Suspended  from  House  of  Commons, 

239 

Birdwood,  General,  267 
Birrell,  Mr.,  apologia  of,  90 
Bismarck,    Prince,   31 
Bissing,  Baron  von. 
Reported  dead,  148 
Retires  from  Belgium,  130 
Bloaters,  unprecedented  price  of,  194 
Blucher,   the,  sunk  by  British,   24 
Blume,       General      von,      depreciates 

American  intervention,  168 
Boat-race,     Oxford     and     Cambridge, 

suspended,  30 
Bobbing,  Alarming  spread  of,  251 
Bordeaux,  Paris  Government  removed 

to,  5 
Botha,  General 
Enters  War,  6 
Makes  clean  sweep  in   S.VV.   Africa, 

43 
Bottoraley,  Mr.  Horatio,  visits  France, 

Bravo,  Belgium,  3 
Brazil  enters  War,  158 
Bread,  curtailment  of,  151 
Brest-Litovsk 

Conference,  190 

Taken  by  enemy,  47 

Treaty  signed,  202 
British  Expeditionary  Force  Lands  in 

France,   i 
Brockdorff-Rantzau,  Count,  290 
Bruges  reoccupied  by  Allies,  256 
Brusiloff,  General 

Opens  new  Russian  offensive,  163 

Successful   against  Austrians,   04 
Brussels. 

Fall  of,  2 

Murder  of  Edith  Cavell  at,  60 
Buckmaster,     Lord,     appointed     I-ord 

Chancellor,  42 
Bukarest,  fall  of,  124 
IJulgaria  surrenders,  248 
Bulgarians  smashed  by  Allies,  248 
Bull-dog  Breed,  the,  11 
Bungalows,    Government,    increase    of, 

120 
Burns,  Mr.  J"hn,  re-emerges,  loi 
Byng,  General,  267 

Victory  at  Cambrai,  i86 
Byron,  Lord,  and  Greece,  57 
By  special  request,  211 


Cabinet  pool  saJarie^s,  40 

Cadet    battalions    housed    in    colleges, 

138 
Caliguy,  Americans  at,  222 
Callousness  of  smart  people,  184 
Cambrai 

Byng's  victory  at,  186 
Recaptured  by  Allies,  256 
Cambridge,  Cadet  battalions  at,  254 
Camouflage,  new  art  of,  176 
Caporetto,    enemy    break    through    at, 

180 
"  Captain     of     Koepenick  "     reported 

dead,  212 
Carson,  Sir  Edward 
Pays  tribute  to  Major  Redmond,  161 
Resigns  Office,  58 
Casement,     Sir    Roger,    and    (Jerman 

Kaiser,  24 
Castlenau,  General,  266 
Casualties,  British,  24 
Cavell,  Edith 
Murder  of,  60 

Names    of    her    principal    assassins, 
60 
Cecil,        Lord        Robert,        appointed 

Minister  of  Blockade,  82 
Celestial  Dud,  the,  227 
Censorship  and  War   Correspondents, 

8 
Challenge,  the,   75 
Chamberlain,     Mr.     Austen,     resigua 

office,  166 
Champagne,  French  offensive  at,  57 
Chemin  des  Dames,  Germans  capture, 

220 
Children  of  Consolation,  200 
Children's  Peace,   17 
China,  food  prices  in,  194 
Christmas 

Musings,  Punch's,  276 
Truce  and  fraternisation,  20 
Church  beUs  requisitioned,  238 
Churchill,  Mr.  Winston 

Appointed    Minister    of    Munitions, 

"73 

Dardanelles  expedition,   28 

Paints  landscapes,  50 

Rejoins  his  regiment,  61 

Resigns   Duchy   of   Lancaster,   61 

Retires  to  Duchy  of  I-ancaster,  39 
Civilian,  the,  and  the  War  Office,  201 
Civil    Service    Estimates,    286 
Clemenceau,   M. 

Attempted  assassination  of,   280 

Tribute  to,  266 
Clyde,  labour  troubles  on  the,  70 
Coal  Commission  appointed,   284 
Coalition  Government 

Formed,   36 

Leaders'   pledges,    275 


294 


Index 


Coalitionists  triumph  at  General  Elec- 
tion, 275 
Coat  that  didn't  come  off,  the,  212 
Cologne,      Archbishop     of,      and      the 

Kaiser,  50 
Combles  taken  by  Allies,  no 
Coming  Army,  the,  214 
Commission 

To  inquire  into  Dardanelles  expedi- 
tion, 100 

To    inquire    into    Mesopotamian    ex- 
pedition, 100 
"  Complete  accord,"   228 
Compulsory   rationing  a  fact,  211 
Comrades  in  Victory,  116 
Conscientious    Objectors    in    Non-com- 
batant Corps,  198 
Constables,      special,      guard      King's 

highway,  58 
Constantine,   King  of  Greece 

Abdicates,  158 

Contemplates  abdication,   153 

Forms  Cabinet  of  Professors,  120 

Mr.   Asquith's  appeal  to,   114 

To  receive  ;i{^2o,ooo  a  year,  168 

Treated  tenderly,    128 
Contemptibles,  the  old,   261 
Corn  Production  Bill,   151 
Coronel  avenged,  15 
Correspondents,    Mr.    Punch's,   22,   51, 

64,  112 
Cradock,  Admiral,   12 
Crank,  Whip's  definition  of  a,  225 
Craonne  taken  by  French,  152 
"  Credibility  index,"  19 
Crown  Prince,  German 

American   interviews,    18 

Common  brigand,  a,  5 

Has  misgivings,  148 

In  exile,  274 
Cuba  declares  war  on  Austria,  190 
Cufiley,    Zeppelin    brought    down    at, 
no 


Daily  Mail,  candour  of,  73 

Daily  News  and  Punch,  225 

Daily    Telegrafh,    Lord    Lansdowne's 

letter  to,   192 
Damascus  captured  by  Allies,  248 
Dance  of  Death,  the,  181 
Danube,  Serbians  reach  the,  257 
Dardan<:lles  Commission,  142 
Dawn  of  Doubt,  the,  129 
Daylight  Saving,  26 

liill  passed,  88 
Death  Lord,  the,  215 
Debenev.  General,  266 

Praises  Americans,   222 
Defence  of  the  Realm  Act.    123 
(De)morit,  the  reward  of,  ix 


Demobilisation  commences,  275 
Derby,  Lord 

Director  of  Recruiting,  61 
Minister  of  War,  163 
Dernburg,  Dr.,  his  picture  of  German 

innocents,  182 
Deutschland,    G«rman    submarine,    ex- 
ploits of,  99 
Devonport,  Lord 

Appointed   Food  Controller,   127 
Approves  new  dietary  for  prisoners, 

144 
Retires  as  Food  Controller,  163 
Diary — 

1914,  August,   I 
September,  5 
October,    10 
November,   11 
December,   15 

1915,  January,    20 
February,   24 
March,    26 
April,    31 
May,   34 
June,  39 
July,   43 
August,    47 
September,    52 
October,    57 
November,    61 
December,   65 

1916,  January,  69 
February,   74 
March,    78 
April,  Sj 
May,  88 
June,  92 

July,   97 
August,    102 
September,    109 
October,    112 
November,    118 
December,  124 

1917,  January,  128 
February,    134 
March,   139 
April,    145 
May,   151 
June,    158 
July,   163 
August,   168 
September .    1 74 
October,   180 

.November,   186 
December,    190 

1918,  January,   195 
February,  202 
March,    207 
April,  213 
May,   220 
June,  226 


295 


/ 


naex 


Diary — 1918  \contd.) 
July,  ^3b 
August,  242 
September,  248 
October,   256 
November,   264 
Die  Nacht  am  Rhein,  259 
Dogger  Bank,  48 

German   reverse  off,  24 
Domestic  servant's  philosophy,   132 
Dominions,  loyalty  of,  268 
Douai  regained  by  Allies,  256 
Drake's  Way,  217 
Drocourt-Queant    switchline    breached 

by  Allies,  248 
Dud,  the,  224 
Duke,    Mr.,    retires    from    Irish    Chief 

Secretaryship,  223 
Dumba,      Dr.,      promotes     strikes     in 

U.S.A.,   52 
Dunraven,     Lord,     excuses    Irishmen, 

216 
Dynastic  Amenities,  149 

Easter  offering,  the,  2S5 

Economy,   appeals  for,   2S6 

Editor  of  the   Vorwdrts  arrested,   108 

Education  l?ill 

Second  reading  of,  211 

Lord  Haldane  lectures  on,  loi 

Ekaterinburg,     Ex-Tsar     and     family 
murdered  at,   238 

Emden  sunk  by  the  Sydney,   12 

Emmas,  the  tw^o,  251 

Empire,     indispensable     in      winning 
War,  267 

End  of  a  perfect  "  Tag,"  291 

England 
Tribute  to,  by  N ew  York  Life,  74 
War  could  not  have  been  won  with- 
out, 266 

Enver  Pasha  goes  to  Medina,  78 

Epilogue,   275 

Erzerum  falls  to  Russians,  74 

Euphemists,  47 

Excursionist,  the,  13 

Exile,  the  Irish,  260 

"F.    E."    appointed   Lord    Chancellor, 
278 

Falaba,    the,    sunk    by    German    sub- 
marine,  32 

Falkland  Islands,  48 
Battle  of,  115 

Farmer  and  Farm  Labourer,  253 

Far-reaching    effect    of    the    Russian 
Push,  the,  95 

Ferdinand,  King  of  Bulgaria 
Abdicates,  257 
Declares  war  on  Serbia,  57 


Ferdinand,  King  of  Bulgaria  (contJ.) 

Goes  to  Vienna,  251 

Inscrutability  of,  52 
Fidgety  Wilhelm,  the  story  of,  xii 
Fifth    liritish    Army,    Germans   break 

through,  207 
Final,  tlie,  267 

Fisher,    Lord,   will   nut    give   explana- 
tions, 61 
Fisher,  Mr.,  eulogised,  211 
Flag  days,  43 
Flanders  coast  evacuated  by  Gerniins, 

256 
Fleet,  German,  surrenders,  272 
Flight  that  failed,  21 
Flying  of  the  Atlantic,  2S8 
Foch,  General 

Appointed    Generalissimo    of    Allied 
Forces,  213 

Arranges  Armistice,  264 

Made  a  G.C.B.,  16 

Receives  German  envoys,  264 

Tribute  to,  265 
Food  at  the  Front,  206 

Control,  public  for,   120 

Production,    urgency   for    increased, 

Question    discussed    in    Parliament, 

204 
Question  in  Germany,  23 
Restriction,    144 
Stocks  increasing,   174 
Ford,  Mr.  Henry 

Offers      his      works     to      American 

authorities,  134 
Visits  Europe,  66 
For  Neutrals — For  Natives,  71 
Fort  Douaumont  falls,  74 
Fourth  of  July  celebrated   in   France, 

241 
France,  destruction  and  desolation  of, 

M5 
France's  Day,  236 
Franchet  d'Esperey,  General,  266 
Francis  Joseph,  Emperor,  dies,  118 
French,  General 

Appointed  Viceroy  of  Ireland,  223 
His  "contemptible  little  army,"  2 
Relinquishes  his  command,  66 
Responsible      for      Home      Defence 
against  enemy  aircraft,  77 
Fryatt,  Captain,  murder  of,  105 
Funchal,  U-boats  busy  at,  196 


Gaiety  at  military  hospitals,  87 
Gallipoli,  268 

Allies  land  in,  32 

Casualties  in,  46 

Complete  evacuation  of,  65,  70 

Discomforts  of,  4a 


2q6 


Index 


Gaiibaldi   still  an  aninxatiug  force   in 

Italy,   36 
Gaul  to  the  New  Caesar,  viii 
Gaza  taken  by  British,  186 
(ieddes.  Sir  Eric 

Defends  Admiralty,  188 

First  Lord,   188 
General  Election,  275 
General  Janvier,  20 
Geography  taught  by  War,  200 
George  V.  of  England 

Abolishes     German     titles     held     by 
family,  162 

His  House  to  be  known  as  Windsor, 

Sets  a  fine  example,  269 
Visits  P^ront,   16 
George,  Mr.  Lloyd 

Appointed    Minister    of     Munitions, 

40 
Defines  British  policy,  114 
Deputed  to  confer  with  Irish  leaders, 

90 
Expounds  plan  for  Irish  Convention, 

154 

Prime  Minister,  124 

Secretary  for  War,  105 

Suffers  in  prestige,  288 

Triumph  of,  275 

Warns  peacemongers,  245 
Gerard,  Mr.,  Reminiscences  of,  170 
German 

"  Frightfulness,"  32 

General  Staff  and  set-backs,   18 

Substitutes,  104 
Germany 

Campaign  of  Falsehood  in,  228 

Civil  War  in,  278 

Fleet  surrenders,  272 

"  German  Truth  Society  "   founded, 

14 
Great  mistake  of,  268 
Hints  to  Italy,  28 
Ill-treats  prisoners,  83 
Indulges  in  reprisals,  39 
Jealous  of  Lusitania  records,  34 
Laments  over  Allied  blockade,  70 
Lunatics  called  up  for  service,  163 
Mutiny  at  Kiel,  180 
New  Peace  offensive,  228 
Old,  contrasted,   178 
Peace  overtures,  124 
Signs  armistice,  265 
Signs  peace,  290 
Sinks  two  hospital  ships,   119 
Sprays  British  soldiers  with  flaming 

petrol,  28 
Squirts  boiling  pitch  over  Russians, 

28 
Torpedoes   Neutral   merchant   ships, 

24 


Germany   {contd.) 

Warns  Punch,  40 
Ghosts  at  Versailles,  291 
God  (and  the  Women)  our  shield,  7 
Goeben,  disaster  to  the,  199 
Good  Hofe,  H.M.S.,  sunk,  12 
Gothas,  activities  of,  199 
Gouraud,  General,  266 
Governesses,    English,    revelations   of, 

Grandcourt,  taken  by  British,  136 
Grand  Fleet,  ceaseless  vigil  of,  48 

Title,  passes,  288 
Grapes  of  Verdun,  the,  85 
Great  incentive,  a,  187 
Greece 

Dominated    by    pro-German    Court, 

57 
Hampers  Allies,  57 
Territory     violated     by     Bulgarian 

troops,  94 
Ultimatum  presented  to,  114 
Greenwich    time    applied    to    Ireland, 

120 
Grey,  Sir  Edward 

Dissatisfied  with  Neutrals,  74 
Statements  re  France  and  Belgium, 
I 
Grimsby  fishermen's  fight,  28 
Guy  Fawkes  Day,  no  fireworks  on,  123 
Gwynn,     Capt.,    undertakes    to    raise 
Irish  brigade,  239 


H.\iG,  Sir  Douglas 

Commander-in-iChief        of        British 

Armies  in  France,  66 
Issues  a  Dispatch,  158 
Issues  historic  order,  213 

Haldane,  Lord 

Debt  to,  for  Territorials,  51 
Lectures  on  Education,  loi 
Retires  from  Chancellorship,  40 

Hamlet,  U.S.A.,  35 

Hamfshire,   the,   mined,   92 

Handyman,  A,  55 

Hardinge   Report,    Lords   discuss  the, 
100 

Harvest,  a  successful,  252 

Haunted  ship,   33 

Havre,    Belgian    Government   removed 

to,    ID 

Hay,  Ian,  book  by,  log 
Healy,    Mr.   Tim,   champions   Govern- 
ment, 80 
Held  !  89 
Heligoland  Bight,  48 

Naval  engagement  in,  2 
Hertling,         Erzbergcr's         campaign 
,  against  Chancellor,  229 

Hidden  Hand,  the,  38 

207 


Index 


Hindenburg,  Marslial  von 

Assumes      commanJ      uf      Austrian 
troops,  104 

Prcseuied  with  house,  263 

Retreats  on  Western  Front,  1J9 
Hindenburgitis,  119 
Hindenburg  line  breached,  248 
His  latest,   154 
Home  Front,  the,  22 

Derby,    Lord,    most  prominent  man 
on,  80 

Drink,  a  dangerous  enemy.  32 

Education  of  those  on,  107 

Flower-beds  sacrificed,  55 

Khaki  weddings,  42 

London  Police  strike,  252 

Pessimists,  cure  for,  47 

Railway   Travelling,   discomforts  of, 
184 

Trials  of  mistresses  on,  19 
Hooge,   British  success  at,  50 
Home,  General,  267 
Hotels  commandeered,  136 
House  of  Commons 

Attends  church,  270 

Characteristics  of,  34 
How    to    brighten    the    period    of    re- 
action,  2S7 
Hunding  line,   146 
Hun  to  Hun,  236 

Hyde  Park   used  for  training   troops, 
6 

Inuia,  "  lonely  soldiers  "  in,  107 

Indian  troops,   16 

Infectious  hornpipe,  the,  143 

Influenza,  Spanish,  241 

In  honour  of  the  British  Navy,  273 

In  reserve,   250 

Inseparable,  the,  177 

Invasion  by  sea,   English    Press  feare, 

43 
Ireland 

Debate  on,  in  Parliament,  117 
Dominates     proceedings    in     Parlia- 
ment, 216 
Exempted     from    Military     Service 

BUI,  70 
Greenwich  time  applied  to,  lao 
Insurrection  in  West  of,  88 
Insurrectionist   leaders   executed,    88 
Irreconcilables    triumph    at    General 

Election,  275 
Maxwell,     Sir    John,    appointed    to 

supreme  command.  88 
Nationalists    attack    Sir    John    Max- 
well,  105 
Placed  under  martial  law,  83 
Irish  Convention,   ii;4 
Exile,  the,  260 
Harvest  labourers,  260 


Italy 
Bainsizza  plateau  saved,   176 
Declares  war  on  Austria,  36 
Push  on  tlie  Isonzo,  104 


Jaffa,  British  in,   186 
James,  Mr.  Henry 

Adopts   British  nationality,  91 

Tribute  to  England  by,  272 
Jazz,  outbreak  of,  278 
Jellicoe,    Lord,    retires    from    post    of 

First  Sea  Lord,  190 
Jericho  captured  by  Allies,  202 
Jerusalem  captured  by  British,  190 
Joffre,      General,      announces     rolling 

back  of  enemy,  5 
John,  Mr.  Augustus,  paiats  Mr.  Lloyd 

George's  portrait,  82 
Jones,  Mr.  Kennedy 

Declares  beer  a  food,  162 

Resignation  of,  174 
Journalists  visit  the  Fleet,  72 
Jutland,  Battle  of,  9a 


Kaiser,  German 

Abdicates,   264 

Absent  from  Francis  Joseph's 
funeral,   128 

Attiia's  understudy,  190 

Blasphemer  and  Hypocrite,  5 

Denies  responsibility  for  War,  102 

Disappointed  with  Allah,   74 

Encourages  war  on  non-combatants, 
20 

First  War  birthday,  23 

Flees  to  Holland,   264 

Foiled  before  Nancy,  10 

Has  another   grandson,   32 

Murderer  of  innocents,  23 

Orders  blockade  of   England,   24 

Poses  as  friend  of  the  people,  165 

Pro- Socialist,   154 

Punch'i  views  on,  276 

Refrains  from  active  participation  in 
military  operations,   no 

Reprimands  Prince  Frederick  Leo- 
pold of  Prussia,   108 

Sorry  for  France,  58 

Spe<^ch   to  ?'ton  College   Volunteers, 

5S 
Talks  of  his  conscience,  130 

Kaiser,  Ex-,  saws  trees,   284 

Karl,    Emperor    of    Austria's    sugges- 
tion re  Alsace-Lorraine,  220 

Karlsruhe   bombarded    by    Allied   air- 
men, 39 

Kerensky,  appointed  head  of  Russian 
Provisional  Crnvernment,   176 
Overthrown,  i8fi 


2n> 


hidex 


Keyes,     Admiial,     locks    up     German 

submarines,  230 
Kiel,  mutiny  at,  264 
Kipling,  Mr.,  58 
Kitchener,  Lord 

Asks  for  more  men,  36 

Death  of,  92 

Eulogies  of,  94 

Gives  frugal   information   to   Lords, 
20 

Meets  critics  in  Parliament,  92 

Obtains  1,000,000  men,  6 

Starts  on  the  Hamfsliire  fox  Russia, 
92 

War  Minister,   i 
Kluck,  General  von,  failure  of,  20 
Kohiische  Zeitung  and  Pu7ich,  30 
Kiihlmann,    von,    fall   of,    229 
Kultur,  the  reward  of,  37 
Kut  captured  by  British,   134 


Labour 

Demands  of,  284 

Real  voice  of,  171 

Representation  of,  275 

Troubles,  70 
Lansdowne,     Lord,     writes    to    Daily 

Telegraph,    192 
Laon,  recaptured  by  Allies,  256 
Last  Throw,  the,  135 
Law,  Mr.  Bonar 

Announces  air-raid   reprisals,    182 

Appointed  Leader  of  the  House,  126 

Declares  policy  re  indemnities,  284 

Introduces  Budget,  155 

Made  Chancellor  of  the   Exchequer, 
126 

Travels  to  France  by  aeroplane,  262 

Will  not  discuss  military  situation, 

League  of  Nations  takes  shape,  288 
Leinster,  the,  sunk  by  Germans,  256 
Lenin 

Appearance  of,  1 1;2 

Attempted  assassination  of,  251 

Installed  as  dictator,   186 
Liberators,  the,  203 
Lichnowsky's  disclosures,  213 
Li6ge,  Fall  of,  2 
Lies,  German  campaign  of,  6 
Lighting  Orders,  enforcement  of,  199 
Lille  regained  by  Allies,  256 
Lissauer,   Herr,   decorated   by   Kaiser, 

16 
London,   daylight  air-raids  extend  to, 

160 
Lonely  soldiers,  107 
Long,    Mr.    Walter,    his    remedy    for 

carping  criticism,  65 
Loos,  fighting  at,  57 


Lord  Mayor's  banquet  simplified,  118 
Lost  chief,   the,   93 
Lost  land,  a,   179 
Louvain,  sack  of,  a 
Lovelace,  the  modern,  70 
Ludendorff   resigns,    257 
Lusitayiia,  the 

American  victims,  34 

Sinking  of,  34 
Luxuries,  imports  of,  curtailed,  76 
Lynch,    Colonel,    undertakes    to    raiise 
Irish  brigade,  239 


MacCabean  Boy  Scouts,  200 
MacNeiU,    Mr.    Swift 

Endeavours    to    purge     peerage    of 
enemy   dukes,  86 

Resents  setting  up  of  War  Cabinet, 

Made  in  Germany,   209 
Mangin,  General,  266 
Manifesto  of  German  artists  and  pro- 
fessors, 26 
Marine,    Mercantile,    tribute    paid    to, 

by  Parliament,  74 
Marne 

German  push  to,  220 

Germans  again  hurled  back  across, 
236 
Mary,   Queen  of   England,  tribute  to, 

269 
Massacres  by  Bolshevists,  20a 
Maude,   General 

Captures  Kut,   134 

Death  of,    iS6 
Mauncury,  General,  266 
Maurice  affair,  the,  225 
Max,  Burgomaster  of  Brussels,  10 
Max,  Prince 

German    Chancellor,   257 

Issues  pacific  manifesto,  257 
McKenna,  Mr. 

Chancellor  of  Exchequer,  40 

Introduces    Bill    for     raising     War 
Loan,  40 
Meatless  days,  128 
Men  of  forty-^nie  wanted,   lao 
Merchant  ships 

Dutch,  sunk  by  German  submarine, 
140 

Neutral,  torpedoed  by  German  sub- 
marines,  24 
Mesopotamia,  tide  turning  in,  134 
Messines  Ridge  captured.    nS 
Michaelis,   Dr. 

Appointed   Crorman   Chancellor,   164 

Dismissed.    t8o 
Military  Service  Bill 

Becomes  law,  74 

Ireland  exempted  from,  70 


299 


Index 


M  liner,     Lord,     ou     tuisleadiug     war 

news,  64 
Minesweepers,  honour  due  to,  28 
Ministry  of  Munitions  creeted,  40 
Missing,  184 
Mistresses,  trials  of,   19 
Monastir 

Fall  of,  65,   70 

Recaptured  by  Serbians  and  French, 
119 
Monmouth,   H.M.S.,  sunk,    m 
Mons 

British  reach,  264 

Retreat  from,  5 
Monte  Sabotino  captured   by   Italians, 

104 
Moon  our  enemy,   1S3 
Morning     Hate,     Prussian     household 

having  its,  27 
Mort  Homme,  carnage  at,  74 
Mottoes  and  proverbs,  43,   128 
Mule  humour,  81 

Miiller,  Captain,  a  chivalrous  antago- 
nist, 15 
Munitions,     smart     people     work     at, 

56 
Museum,  British,  war  spirit  at,  31 
Museums,  London,  closed,  76 
Mutiny  of  sailors  at  Kiel,   180 
Muzzling  Order,  288 


North  Sea,  U-boats  active  in,  28 
Novo-Georgievsk  taken  by  enemy,  47 
Noyon  recaptured  by   Allies,   242 


Officer,  wounded,  experiences  of,  54 
Officers,    young,    splendid    record    of, 

268 
Oil  discovered  in  Derbyshire,  288 
Old  Man  of  the  Sea,  45 
Old-timer,   the,   261 
Omen  of   1908,  34 
On  Earth — Peace,  16 
One  up  !   188 
On  the  Black  List,  40 
Opera  by  English  composer  produced, 

225 
Optimist,  the,   170 
Order  of  British  Empire,  233 
Orlando,  Italian  Statesman,  287 
Ostend 

Naval  exploit  at,  216 
Regained  by  Allies,  256 
O.T.C.   and  the  Universities,  30 
Our    Man,    266 
Our  persevering  officials,  157 
"Ourselves     Alone,"     motto    of     Sinn 

Fein,  223 
Overweighted,  2S6 
Oxford,  cadet  battalions  at,  254 


Namur,  Fall  of,  2 

Narrows,   the,  failure  to  get  through, 

28 
National   Industrial  Conference,   2.S4 
National  Party,  the  new,  1S2 
National     Registration     Bill,     second 

Reading  of,  46 
National  Thrift  Campaign,  68 
Xavy,   its  efficient  work,  254 
Need  of  men,  the,  193 
Neuve   Chapelle  captured   by    British, 

28 
New  Armies 

Composition  of,  24 

Education  of,  105 

Training  of,  232 
New  Conductor,  the,  126 
New  Guinea  taken  by  Allies,  74 
New  language,   the,    194 
Newmarket,  racing  stopped  at,   154 
Newspaper    readers,    "  credibility    in- 
dex "  for,  19 
Nicholas,  Emperor  of  Russia 

Abdicates,    139 

Generalissimo  of  his  armies,   152 
Nineteen- nineteen   Model,  the,  281 
Northcliffe,     Lord,     and     his     corre- 
spondence,  56 

Visits  U.S.A.,  161 


Pacificists 

Dilemma  of,  210 

Impressed    by    Germany's    lamenta- 
tions, 70 
Paris 

Exodus  to,  278 

Peace  Conference  at,  278 

Shelled  by  long-distance  gun,  213 
Parliament 

Assembles,  280 

Dissolution  of,  274 

Extension  of  life  of,   105 

Houses   of.    Stars   and    Stripes   and 
Union  Jack  fly  over,   145 
Passchendaele      Ridge      stormed      by 

British,   186 
Peace 

Signed,  290 

The  children's,   17 
Penny   Postage  gone,   224 
Perfect  Innocence,  175 
Peronne 

British  enter,  145 

Fall  of,  207 

Recovered  by  Allies,  248 
Persuading  of  Tino,  the,  63 
P^tain.  hero  of  Verdun,  266 
Piave.    Italians  cross  the,  257 
Picture  galleries,  London,  closed,  76 


'?no 


Index 


Pill-boxes,    German,    made   of    British 

cement,  225 
Pitiful  pose,  a,  231 
Place   in   the  moon,  a,    183 
Place  of  Arms,  a,  155 
Plain  duty,  a,   137 
Pluraer,  General 

Stands  firm  on  the  Piave,  186 
Victorious  in  Handers,  256 
Poison  gas,  Germans  use,  32 
Police,   London,  strike,   252 
Political  truce,  42 
Politician   who   addressed   the   troops, 

the,   219 
Pommern,  the,  sunk  b)'  British,  43 
Portugal  enters  War,   78 
Posters 
And  Publicity,  38 
And  War  Loans,  50 
Newspaper,  absence  of,   149 
Press 
Bureau,  46 

Campaign  against  Mr.  Asquith,  126 
German,  humours  of,  47 
Prince  of   Wales 
Relief  Fund,  4 
Takes  his  seat,  204 
Prinkipo,  proposed  conference  at,  2S2 
Prisoner,  British,  sentenced  for  calling 

Germans   "Huns,"    189 
Prisoners 

German,  arrive  in  Ireland,   11 
German  offer  re,    120 
Propaganda.       German,      in      United 

States,  26 
Prophecy 
An  old  Arab,  202 
Punch's,  re  Kaiser,  195 
Proportional    Representation    rejected, 

225 
Putick's 
Cartoons  and  the  Kolmsche  Zeitung, 

30 

Correspondents,  64,  152 


Queen   Elizabeth,    H.M.S.,   attacks   in 

Dardanelles,  28 
Queries,  futile,  to  wounded  soldiers,  23 
Queues 

Disappear,  232 

For  various  commodities,  205 
"  Queue  War,"  198 


Rabbit,  the  elusive,  198 
Raids  by   sea,   43 
Rasputin,  sinister  figure  of,   139 
Rationing,  compulsory,  189,  211 
Rawlinson,  General,  267 
Realisation,  59 


Reconstruction,   279 
Recruit  who  took  to  it  kindly,  133 
Recruiting,  posters  to  aid,  38 
Redmond,   Major   William 
Falls  in   Flanders,   160 
Makes  thrilling  speech,   127 
Tribute  to,  in  Commons,  160 
Redmond,   Mr.  John,  death  of,  210 
Reichstag  not  blind  to  facts,  180 
Rejuvenating  efiect  of  Zeppelins,  113 
Reprisals  on  German  cities  advocated, 

163 
Repudiation,  the,  84 
Return  of  the  Mock  Turtle-Dove,  125 
Reunited,  277 
lleventlow,     Count,    and    the     Kaiser, 

146 
Reward  of  Kultur,  the,  37 
Rheims  Cathedral  bombarded,  8 
Rhine,    British  Army's  watch  on  the, 

278 
Rhondda,  Lord 
Appointed  Food  Controller,  163 
Death  of,  240 
Richter,     Dr.      Hans,     clamours     for 

British  extinction,  26 
Riga,  Gulf  of,  German  defeat  in,  50 
Riga   occupied  by   Germans,    174 
Rivers,   French,  find  their  voices,  242 
Roberts,  Mr.,  Minister  of  Labour,  263 
Roberts,  Lord 
Death  of,  12 

Germans  pa}'  tribute  to,   12 
His  reticence,  6 
Robertson,  Sir  William 
Accepts  Eastern  Command  at  home, 

204 
Appointed  Chief  of  Staff,  66 
Displaced,  204 
Robinson,     Lieutenant,     brings    down 

Zeppelin,    no 
Roosevelt,  Mr.,  invents  new  invective, 

69 
Roumania  joins  .Allies,  104 
Royal    Family,    British,    fine    example 

of,  269 
Royal  Flying  Corps,  62 

Great  losses  of,  140 
Running  amok,  25 
Rupprecht,    Crown   Prince,   entertains 

journalists,  38 
Russia 
Array  retreat?,  42 
Bolshevist  cottp  {Pitaf,    1S6 
Bolshevist      regime      stained      with 

massacres.  202 
Collapses,   168 
Dark  hour  of,  169 
D^bScle   in,   270 
End  of  Tsardom,  139 
Ex-Tsar  and  family  shot,  23S 


'.Oi 


Index 


Kui>ia    \<ontd.\ 

Provisional     Liovernment     dissolved, 

»75 
Recovering  herself,  174 
Republic  proclaimed,   175 
Russian    Army    said    to    have    passed 

through  Englaud,  5s 


Saint  QiENTiN    recaptured    by    Allies, 

25b 
St.  James's  I'ark,  lake  iu,  drained,  30 
St.    Mihiel    salient    flattened    out    by 

Americans,   248 
Salonika 
Allies  land  at,  57 
Front,    136 

Triumphant  advance   by    Allies   on, 
248 
Saluting    abolished   in    Russian   Army, 

Sands  run  out,   the,   263 
San  Ciabriele,  Italian  success  at,  176 
Santa   Klaus,   Punch  welcomes,   195 
Scapa  Flow,  German  Fleet  surrenders 
at,  272 

Germans   scuttle    their    warships    at, 
290 
Scarborough  bombarded,  15 
Scott,  Admiral   Percy 

Expert  adviser  to  Lord  French,  77 
Scrapper  scrapped,  the,  165 
Secret 

Diplomacy,   205 

Session,  120 
Sedan,   American   .-\rmy  reaches,   264 
Serbia 

Austrians  and  Germans  invade,  57 

Liberation  of,  270 

Overrun,   70 
Servant 

Domestic,  problem,  132 

Officer's  description  of,  131 
Sevastopol,  Germans  reach,  222 
Shaw,    Mr.    Bernard 

Colossal   arch-super-egotist,    144 

Visits   Front,    138 
Shirkers'  War  News,  22 
Shortt,    Mr.,    appointed    Chief    Secre- 
tary for   Ireland,  223 
Siegfried   line,    146 
Sinn  Fein 

Creed  of,  223 

Excesses,  182 

Plays  at  war,  2S0 
Smart  f)eople.  callousness  of,    184 
Smith-Dorrien,  General,  at  Le  Cateau,  2 
Smuts.    G<'neral,    commands    in    l-last 

.Africa,    74 
Soissons.  Germans  capture,  220 
Soldier   and  civilian,   257 


Soldiers,    British 

Cannot  imitate   Hun,   287 

Ordtal  on   Western   Front,  229 

Tribute  to,   208 
Solid,    xiv. 
Some  bird,  41 
Somme 

Battle  of  the,  commences,  97 

Guns  heard  in  England,  97 

Results  of  Battle  of  the,  98 
"Song  of  Plenty,"  229 
South-West  Africa 

German,  gives  in  to  Allies,  74 

Germans  poison  wells  in,  32 
Spanish   influenza,   241 
Speaker    of    House    of    Commons    re- 
elected, 280 
Spee,    Admiral    von,    goes   down    with 

his  squadron,  15 
Spies,   C>erman,    2 
Spurlos  versenkt,  174 
Spy-hunting  in  East  Anglia,  30 
Spy  play,  emergence  of,  38 
Storm  driven,  249 
Strain  on  the  affections,  121 
Strasbourg,  276 
Strauss,   Herr,   does  not  sign  German 

artists'    manifesto,    26 
Study    of   Prussian   household   having 

its  Morning  Hate,  27 
Sturdee,   Admiral,   15 
Submarine     f  rightfulness,      the     new, 

commences,  78 
Submarines,  British,  in  the  Baltic,  50 
Submarines,   German 

Cornered,  174 

Grimsby's  fight  against,  28 

Locked  up,   230 

Torpedo  British  battleships,  10 
Suffragists'   cause  triumphs,    198 
vSuits,  standard,   212 
Sumner,    Lord,    on    Houses  of   Parlia- 
ment, 77 
Sunlight-loser,  the,  115 
Suvla  Bay,  British  heroism  at,  50 
Sweden    assists    German    Secret    Ser- 
vice,  174 
Sweepers  of  the  sea,  109,  iii 
Swooping   from  the  West,   147 


Tanks,  coming  of  the,  110 

Tannenbcrg,  Russian  repulse  at,  2 

Tares,  the   Sower   of,   xiii. 

T.B.D.,   14 

Territori.^ls 

Doing  great  work  in  India,  e;i 
Efficiency  and  keenness  of,  10 
Mobilised,  (t 

Teutons,  pianegyric  of,  in  /?«>  Welt ,  38 

Thiepval  taken  by  Allies,  no 


302 


Index 


Threatened  I'eace  Offeasive,  221 

Thrill  campaign,  50 

Tirpitz,     Grand    Admiral,     dismissed. 

82 
Tisza,  Count,  admits  defeat,  257 
To  all  at  home,   197 
Tommy,   British 

Needs  no  vocabulary,  69 

Philosophy  of,  66 
To  the  Glory  of  France,  79 
Townshend,   General 

Besieged  in  Kut,  70 

Heroism  of  his  force,  65 
Tramcar  humour,   55 
Tramps  disappear  from  England,   101 
Transitional  period,  274 
Trawlers,  honour  due  to,  28 
Trenchard,   General,    retires  from   Air 

Staff,  218 
Trenches,   sportsmanship  of,    38 
Trench  warfare  commences,  10 
Trials  of  a  camouflage  officer,    176 
Trotsky  released  from  internment,  167 
Tsing-tau,    Japanese    take,    12 
Tuber's  repartee,  the,  164 
Turkey 

Appeals  to  Berlin  for  funds,   igg 

Defeated  in  Caucasus,  20 

Defeated  on  Suez  Canal,  24 

Enters  war,   12 

Granted  armistice,  257 
Two  Germanics,   the,   5 
"  Two     heads      with      but     a      single 
thought,"  98 


U-BOAT  interned  at  Cadiz,  180 

U-boats 
Appear  off   U.S.A.,   116 
Sir  E.   Geddes's  diagram  re,  211 

Ulstermen    and    Conscription,    198 

Unauthorised  flirtation,  an.  67 

Unconquerable,  9 

Unemployment  dole,   288 

United   States 

Accused  of  stealing  cypher  key,   175 
German  propaganda  in,  26 
Issues  warning  Note  on  neutral  trad- 
ing, 20 
No  peace  with  Hohenzollerns,  175 

Unsinkable  Tirp.,  the.  53 


V.A.n.,   tributes  to,    171 

Venizelos,  M.,  resumes  power,  42 

Verdun 

Germans  closing  in  on,  83 
Struggle  around,  begins,  74 
Triumph  of  French  at,   128 

Versailles 
Conference,  204,  264 


Versailles  [contd.) 

Council,  foresight  of,   21S 

Peace  signed  at,   290 
Very  much  up,  237 
Victory  !   265 

Vienna,  peace  kite-flying  at,  66 
Villager,     English,    and    prospects    of 

invasion,   18 
Vimy      Ridge,      Canadians      capture, 

145 

Volunteers,    training  of,   38 
Von  Pot  and  von  Kettle,  244 


Wales,  South 

Miners'  strike,  46 

Provides  recruits,  46 
Wanted — a  St.  Patrick,  90 
War 

Anniversaries  of,  47,   102,  168,  242 

Cabinet,     Mr.      Henderson     resigns 
from,  173 

Changes  wrought  by,  252 

Conference    of    the     Empire    called, 
128 

Daily  cost  of,   126 

Loans,   12,  40 

News,  the  shirkers',  22 

Pictures,  240 

Propaganda,    need    for    a,    at  home, 

"7 
Teaching  geography,  200 
Vocabulary,   55 
Ward,    Colonel,    defends    Compulsory 

Service  Bill,  69 
Warsaw,  Russians  lose,  47 
Waterloo   Campaign    and    Great   War, 

24 

Wayside  Calvary,  the,  48 

Weddings,  khaki,  42 

Well  done,  the  New  Army,  99 

Wemyss,    Sir    Rosslyn,    on    R.N.    and 
mercantile  marine,  239 

Whigs  and   Tories,  strife  between,   re- 
vived, 82 

Whitby  bombarded,  15 

Wilhelm  I.'s  message  to  wife,  23 

Wilhelmshaven   indefinitely  closed,  92 

William  o'  the  Wisp,  29 

Wilson,    General,    appointed   Chief    of 
Imperial  Staff,  204 

Wilson,  President 

And    the   Lusitania,    36 
Declines  to  be  rushed,  52 
Forbearance  of,  74 
His  Fourteen  Points,  258 
Last   Note  to  Germany,  264 
Launches  a  new  phrase,   130 

Wittenberg,   ill-treatment  of   prisoners 
at,  83' 

Wolff,  mendacity  of,  23 


303 


Index 


Womau    Tower,   226 
Women 

Belgian,  used  as  a  screen,  5 

Driving   vans,  30 

Gardeners,  55 

Licensed  as  taxi-drivers,  139 

Obtain  the  Vote,  iqS 

Opportunities  taken  by,  91; 

Punch     delighted     at    their     varied 
work,  96 

Undertake  men's  work,  6 

War  and  poetry,  247 
Word  of  ill-omen,  a,  159 
Wotan  line,    146 

Breached,    250 
Wounded,   return  of,  to  England,  54 


Vpres 
Germans   repulstd  at,    \<i 
Germans  stopped  at,   11 
Second  battle  of,  32 
Third  battle  of,  commences,   163 


Zeedrugce,  naval  exploit  at,  216 
Zeppelin,     Count,    swears    to    destroy 

London,  114 
Zeppelins 

French  bag  several,  1S4 

One  brought  down  at  Cuflley,  no 

Plague  of,  stayed,   no 

Raid  encourages  emulation,  87 


Pbintcd  bv  Cass-fll  &  Company,  Limited.  L»  Bblli  Sauvage.  London,  EC* 
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